First of all, please don't call me mad. I am not the jealous type at all.

Well let me tell you my story: I am a Swiss married to an Igbo man since 3 years, we met almost ten years ago and my husband already had residence permit when he married. I love my husband with everything I am, I try everything to be a good wife. This year we got our first child, a wonderful baby boy. We've been to Nigeria several times, also in the village and we are actually planning to go and live there when I finished my training here.

Since I got pregnant my husband showed no interest again in touching me. Even before then he stopped sleeping in our bed.

When I was pregnant he often went out to make phone calls in his car, giving different excuses, sometimes he stayed there till 4 AM! I found out he was talking to a girl and the mother. I also found out my husband was trying to have telephone sex with her, but since she is a christian she refused. (He still had telephone sex with other girls, telling them to use their hand on themselves, thinking I didnt hear the Igbo..) So there was a day the girl called and asked where they will stay. He told her either here in Switzerland or in London. He also told her I wouldnt kill her. I asked him why I told her so, he just said because they are spending time on telephone.. which is a stupid excuse. I told him about my fear. His answer was : " since we know you've been fearing that, have I married another woman?" (So, he didnt say no..)

What also raises my fear: He always says to marry a white is stupid. He praises his friends who married in Nigeria while beeing married here. He once said, court marriage was not important, what counts was traditional marriage (we married in Nigeria but only court marriage). He likes to joke about marrying two more wifes. The other day I told him that was the only reason Id leave him. Later that evening he was joking about it to somebody.. There was a day I received an Email (my husband doesnt have his own email account) saying that his wife could come and look at one duplex. I told my husband and he was quick to call a girl to call that man before I called him to ask what that was all about. He used to speak hours to her on telephone and as well to his mother. She wrote also text messages that she misses him and no morning and evening passes without my husband getting SMS since about 8 months. ( I dont check his SMS because women could also use it to bring trouble, so an SMS wouldnt help me with truth...The one I told you about it was my husband telling me to read, when he was driving)

Also he keeps on telling people he spend 800'000 Naira on "that girl", which I dont know about. We were thining of bringing a girl here to take care of our boy and since one girl was unfriendly he told me about another girl, who has the same Igbo name like the other one... and later he asked again, why not her. (eventhough he complained about her before. Remember this is about taking car of our child, there shouldnt be any small problem with that person and there are millions offering to come here on behalf of that...)

So, this time around I know that some people went to the neighbouring state (the same state that girl came from) and that something is happening on Sunday. I heard my husband speaking to a girl on telephone telling her that he never saw people having to bring 33 of malt and Stout for wedding, but that her father told him so many, many times. He also said he was sorry, they had to bring a goat, but that if they are married and stay for long and she dies after a long life and many children they would bring a goat to her village for the burial.

So I asked my husbands niece what she was doing in that neighbouring state and she confirmed it was a wedding of a relation. I asked whether I know her and she answered I sould see her, when we come back.

We were thinking of bringing somebody here to take care of our boy while I am at work.

I cant stay with my husband if he marries another woman, I cant... I would do everything for him, really everything...

Please help me! This topic has been bothering me but it becomes a real emergency since it looks like the marriage is taking place on Sunday..I know people can marry traditionally without being there in person (one of our friends did so) What should I do against it? How will I find out the truth. If it is true, how can I stop it?

Please forgive me for mistrusting my husband, but all this secret phone calls and him no more being interested in touching me(I am slim like before pregnancy), him not answering me when I tell him I love him and the time he spends on telephone with one girl and the mother... He used to talk to girls and I didn't bother him, because I dont want to be the annoying wife, he used to send different girls money for school and I didn't stop him because of the same reason.

I am helpless and I dont want to start confronting people in Nigeria, because if it was not true it would make him look stupid... Also I cant speak to any friends here, because they'd only tell me to divorce my husband...

Don't let your suspicions kill you
Maybe you should confront him

I absolutely understand where you're coming from.I also understand why there is an urgent need to panic in this situation. Unfortunately, It is possible that your husband is getting marriedin a few days and it is a shameful thing for his family to support that behavior without your consent. it is also possible that he isnt getting married. Who knows? Only God knows. Therefore if you are a christian, it is time to get down on your knees and ask the holy spirit to shut down that union asap.

To me, it sounds like you have given him every opportunity to cheat. You allow him to step outside the house to make phone calls, you allow him to have phone intimacy. I'm not saying that you should have yelled at him every time he misbehaved, . heck he's only human but my point is this: what I would have done is to bring it up to his attention at the very first sign of infidelity. Tell him, hey baby, I know that you talk to the girl in the car and I know that you had phone intimacy and I'm not happy with it. If you continue this way then we are going to have a problem. How would you feel if i was having phone intimacy with men?" Also, it seems that you have been very lenient with him and he's taking advantage of your quietness.
At this point, you need to do away with the shyness and the quietness and stand up and fight for your marriage. Confront him and point blank ask him if he's getting married. Do away with the possibility of getting a helper from Nigeria and start looking for a wau to make it work in Switzerland (thats where u are right?). after all many people who live in Switzerland have kids and are able to manage and cope with the daily schedules. Don't leave room for temptation don't allow the devil to enter your home.
Meanwhile, let me ask you this , do you cook ibo meals for your husband? It might be that the man is just craving something from home. If you don't know how to cook this meal I suggest you learn. Step outside your comfort zone to make this.... it is true d easiest way to a man's heart is good food oo my sister...

You married an 'Ibo' man huhn?
So did I!

Please, relax! It is the culture. If it does not suit you, leave.

Simple!

Id love to cook for my husband but he is being so complicated anytime I cooked for him and didnt even taste it..For example I prepared MMoimoiwhich took me very long and he didnt try it...
Somehow I dont have the power to control him..Anytime I confront him he either gives a stupid excuse which makes me look silly or gets mad at me..
There was a time I saw picture of naked women on his camera and confronted him.Eventually I ended up begging him for peace! So there was a time I found a condom and apacket of condoms in his lugagge.What I did was to write a little note and put a picture of myself telling him I love him..Hoping hed stop everything when remembering it would hurt him.I didnt want to take away the condom because I was afraid he might do something without which would b worse..
How can I have astrong hand on him and how will I confront him with my fear. How could such marriage b stopped? Is there a way back after such traditional marriage?
I am afraid of trouble because I saw my husband dying 3 times and I am too afraid of something happening to him and we are not in peace.
Why accepting that culture? He is not even honest with me if he actually wants to marry...?

What if I confront him and he simply ignores me/gets angry or tells me a stupid lie of it being somebody else?

How do I make him realise that losing me is what he would regret? (I dont think the new wife marries him for love, but money and what he makes people believe about who he is here is far away from truth..in fact I am t one paying all the bills here...)

Its not like he doesnt see I am good to him.He talks good about me and how I show him my love to people on telephone..He even gave that girl example of how I am showing him love...

look here, dont fear he won't dumb you just like that if you don't anything, but he might do that and only if he finally bring the girl he married to switzerland, sorry dear there will be problem. the main thing is that almost every african man like to marry back home. even if they have white woman over there. they feel that's is their route and what their families want, it's a tradition. but trust me i won't mind marrying any white woman and forgetting african forever, i guess everyone is different. just relax what will be will be. leave everything to nature. nature has is way you cannot change it. live your life like the air. you will be fine.

You're going through a lot and I admire your courage. He doesn't know what he has until he loses it. Yes...

The problem with our People of Igbo origin is that mentality that a white woman is short less of what a wife should be. I have seen you love him truely. It will be hard for you to contain him to marry another. Just try be good to him as you're before.

Hell no will another woman be providing my needs and I will be spending it on another paying school fees, sending them money and the rest. I'm talking of me. Igbo girls are pocket penetraters. No sentiments or tribalism intended for saying this because I'm Igbo. A great percentage of them are. They marry according to pocket size. I'm a living witness from my friend. Only an Igbo girl fit use eye penetrate your pocket is a saying.

Wifee you caused all these. You let all these start at the first place. Had it been you told him the consequence of his actions on time he won't be treating you like this. Well I'm judging from your story. Give him a break. If he doesn't miss you...call off the whole thing before he sends you to therapy.

In that case my dear sister, you need to leave him and move on. I am one to advocate for couples staying together unless there's a third party involved in the form of adultery. You pay the bills? Hun you will be fine. It might take a while but He will come back begging you'll see. You just have to stand up for yourself. And pleaaaaaaase Drop this act of making yourself so naive and gullible. The guy has trully taken advantage of your softness and it needs to stop if u want to enjoy peace.
What I will tell you is this, before u leave him, make sure u confirm everything.. dont leave on an assumption. It is true ibo men and most nigerian men generally will rather marry from 'home'. So my dear, your fears may be true. Please tell your husband these fears. He will probably get angry as usual but as long as he does not get violent with you, be ready to take it. Have your phone handy and have the police on speed dial. THEN if he confirms your fears, please leave him. By the way, if youdo decide to leave, do so discretely. Dont let him know. Just tell him " no problem" then let him get home one day to meet an empty house. This takes serious planning and committment. You love him but he clearly does not feel thesame way. Be prepared to cry for this will hurt like hell.., I know becuase I have been though it. But I promise u dear, there's light at the end of this tunnel. Dont settle for less. You can be happy and in love some place else. Ask God for guidiance. This is not easy but u will laugh last.

Had an idea..Will tell my husband I had a nightmare of him marrying another woman..the father of the woman demanded a lot as dowry..Then Ill tell him that I left him.Later on he called me to tell me his wife was treating him bad and he wanted to come back. Some days later I heard something bad happened to him...
After Ill ask him to promiss me he'd never marry a second wife...
I wish that could change his mind/hope it can stop things before its too late..Guess I am lost already...
Off course I am praying as well! I cant imagine that my dream come true with the husband I love and our wonderfull little baby could end here...

What is going on in this world?

.1st relax and consider ur health.
A living cow is beta than a dead lion!

Thank you so much for your help. Guess you are right I caused all of this in a way...Always wanted to be good, wanted him to feel fine, never imagined that it is possible to see all of that and still do bad to the person that gives you everything...
I know I can make it on my own but always wished for a family, always wished for my children to grow up in a happy marriage..Knowing finances wont b my problem helps, but giving up the wonderfull future I imagined for my family hurts really bad. Also all the money I ever saved went into our house in Nigeria, if I did this for a woman who steals my husband it will painfull..Still having the hope of it all being my fantasies..
I wont take any action before I am sure but I am quite sure he wouldnt tell me the truth..then how will I find out? If he does that I want to find out in time..Now Im still young having a lot of opportunities..I wouldnt want to look back at my life thinking I invested everything into lies..
I am hoping so much Im only raising fallse alarm for missunderstanding...
Had an idea..Will tell my husband I had a nightmare of him marrying another woman..the father of the woman demanded a lot as dowry..Then Ill tell him that I left him.Later on he called me to tell me his wife was treating him bad and he wanted to come back. Some days later I heard something bad happened to him...
After Ill ask him to promiss me he'd never marry a second wife...
I wish that could change his mind/hope it can stop things before its too late..Guess I am lost already...
Off course I am praying as well! I cant imagine that my dream come true with the husband I love and our wonderfull little baby could end here...

pickabeau1: Don't let your suspicions kill you
Maybe you should confront him

Hehehe , that's all you have to say? If I say it as it is now, I won't sleep tonight ( page 20things)

Opari

Dear Wify,

Well i wouldn`t blame you 100% but trust me you need to be responsible for whatever that become of you at the end.

In this day and age here is the only rule.

Rule No 11.

Never love with your eyes closed,give your love with you open eyes.

In other word as it is spoken in my dear Nija broken English

Shine your eyes well well, he is obviously planning how to end your long hard ever cherish marriage to him.

Married for 3 years

Been together 10years total

Sooo I'm guessing you filed for him after your trip to Nigeria ( court wedding for documentation) during your courting days?

#just thinking out loud

OMG! U spent ur life savings building a house 4 him in Nigeria? And he's treating u like this? Sounds like a scam marriage 2 me. He's done everything to tell u, apart 4rm saying it to ur face, that he doesn't want u again. And I thought white women were smarter than this. A Nigerian woman wudnt let her man do half of the things uv described here. He knows ur weak and scared of leaving cos uv invested a lot in him (building a house 4 him in Nigeria with ur life savings!) and he's taking perfect advantage of this. He clearly doesn't luv or respect u anymore. He even has d audacity to tell u about taking anoda wife! Mayb u shud listen 2 ur real friends and do what u have to do and dump his azz. Make sure u milk d hell out of him 4 child support. And omg! U pay all d bills?

Something tells me this lady is telling lies! He had his permit before meeting you. Yet you pay ALL the bills. Please balance your report so you can get a constructive advice. I know many Igbos who married white women and are okay with them. One such lady is in my village now while her hubby is abroad. No Igbo can joke with a woman who adds value to his life. Tell us if you forced yourself on him. I'm pretty sure his own story will be different from yours and plausible too.

I guess its your husband that really needs help here from your story. Whatever you are told may only complicate the problem.

However, you can still have a long discussion with him and confront him with all the evidences you have. Let him understand what your final decision will be if your suspicion is found to be true.

Does this man really love you?

Its not that he doesnt earn any money but it all goes to Nigeria Im the one paying house rent, food, health insurance.... if we stay together thats fine because the house in Nigeria is something I will surely enjoy and he did a big part of it too..
Maybe I just allowed my fear to make me believe this, I dont know. If I KNEW it was true I wouldnt be here...I would leave him as I always told him when he joked (?) About having a second wife. I would love to be that white woman living in the village.. I love him and I love his roots. As I said we actually planned to live in Nigeria when I finished training.. All these things I heard him talking on phone simply got me afraid whether I am not risking far too much if what I suspect is true..
After his health issues (several heart attacks) I simply became aware of how short life can be and I told myself it was the best to give him all I can because if I didnt I would regrett it if something happened to him.. maybe it was stupid, but if you are always cheated when opening your heart to someone to the fullest what would life b all about. Can it be wrong to love that strong? Yes, you risky for someone to tear your heart into pieces if the person does not value that love..
I wish Im the one going crazy imagining things that are not happening...

If you read my signature, you'll see what i mean.
If the 2nd marriage goes on, and you still love him, my dear abeg move on and leave that place for him.
I see that you're a strong woman capable of taking care of herself and your family.
Please don.t wait until you get depressed and tend to commit sucide. How do you know that it's not your money his spending on those LovePeddler.

Now hes not married, kindly ask him how he'll feel when you sleep with other men or when you move out. He might change his mind,but how do you know that he didnt change his mind for your money. Your dear husband needs help. Forget those telling you to confront him, u've done that enough. Whatever happened has happened. there's a good man out there willing to take you for who you are.
Don.t wait until he gives you physical abuse. Planning to leave in nigeria is risky cos he'll have every right to beat you and turn you to a maid. Abeg. This all i can say for now.

I didnt force myself on him..When we had arguments and he wanted to run I convinced him to stay, yes, but I dont think thats forcing myself on him. He was the one who asked whether I would marry him...
I hope he loves me and I believe he does, but maybe not to the extend I love him..We both have different stories. But if he actually marries a second wife for whatever reason that would make me to be useless and since I cant agree on that it would be a big disrespect to me with which I couldnt live. There might be people who can be polygamous, but I am not among it would hurt me too much to know Im not wife enough for my husband.

Ewuro707:

Hehehe , that's all you have to say? If I say it as it is now, I won't sleep tonight ( page 20things)

Opari

The matter is really complicated..
But she has to be sure of her suspicions at the least

Ewuro707: What is going on in this world?

Really what is going on in this world my sister ! ! ! some women 's life surely revolves around a pair of testicles .

OP,Please kindly relax and stop working yourself up,he has been cheating and you condoned it,what difference does it make if he marries a second wife?It's obvious you don't mind sharing,why don't you let him have a second wife if he so wishes .

Be strong and move on. I really feel your pain.

Dreamflyin:
Be strong and move on. I really feel your pain.

You don't have to quote the whole message now....

wifee: Its not that he doesnt earn any money but it all goes to Nigeria Im the one paying house rent, food, health insurance.... if we stay together thats fine because the house in Nigeria is something I will surely enjoy and he did a big part of it too..
Maybe I just allowed my fear to make me believe this, I dont know. If I KNEW it was true I wouldnt be here...I would leave him as I always told him when he joked (?) About having a second wife. I would love to be that white woman living in the village.. I love him and I love his roots. As I said we actually planned to live in Nigeria when I finished training.. All these things I heard him talking on phone simply got me afraid whether I am not risking far too much if what I suspect is true..
After his health issues (several heart attacks) I simply became aware of how short life can be and I told myself it was the best to give him all I can because if I didnt I would regrett it if something happened to him.. maybe it was stupid, but if you are always cheated when opening your heart to someone to the fullest what would life b all about. Can it be wrong to love that strong? Yes, you risky for someone to tear your heart into pieces if the person does not value that love..
I wish Im the one going crazy imagining things that are not happening...

You love this guy so much that you're refusing to embrace reality. If you continue living in denial and tolerating everything he's doing, don't be surprised when you get home one day to find he's abandoned you and gone back to Nigeria with his child to live with his new wife in the house you helped him build. One more piece of advice- stop seeking counsel from his friends, they may be in on his deceit too. Seek advice from your own friends. Tons of Nigerians do what your husband is doing to you and get away with it cos they think its normal so don't bother seeking advice from his friends cos they're probably doing the same thing.