damiso: @adufemi I can feel your pain from your words but first things first NEVER ever let another human being determine your happiness at all times.Yes it is our spouse's responsibility to share life's joys,pains struggles etc but we should always have it the back of our mind that they are human and as such from time to time might fail us so please honey you CAN and will be happy with or without him.Thats why I have never gotten that 'he/She completes me" statement.

I am more worried about your health at the mo and if the only way you can actually move on to feeling better is a temporary separation maybe it's best you guys try it.As soon as physical/psychological/emotional abuse steps in up to the point where you are feeling suicidal that home has become toxic not just for you but for your child.Children are very very smart they can sense tension and it affects them waaaay more than you can imagine.

It is well like Aluta said I can soo feel your pain from your writing. Kisses and hugs to you

Thank u so much! I know its unhealthy for d children at the same time I now know why people say dnt let other people determine ur happiness. Cos they know this and sometimes they manipulate. I hate it too; I want to be self sufficient and happy by myself, I want to be that woman who ignores her hubby, live her life, take care of herself and her kids etc I make a new resolution everyday sumtimes ill tell maself I will ignore hubby and just be happy! Am succesful at this until I see him or he gets bak from wok and say sumfin nasty to me or ignores me.my heart breaks all over. At a point I travelled to Ghana by road to source for goods, d trip was unecessaer but I needed a break, I promised myself that ill have fun and not think about hubby or home. I dint last 24 hrs, I started calling him , he piked and told me he is busy and shld atop bothering him, he even set his phone to rejectamy calls permanently. I left Ghana the following day, I was supposed to spend 1 week.

Thanks for the advices and suggestions

pheyikemi: apart from the fleet of cars he's got now, u both shd try and acquire landed properties, it doesn't depreciate like cars. So dat uc won't be back to square zero.

There's more going on in this marriage than just acquisition of properties.

Am sooo sad, it's well dear, I hate it when some men play God in their wives lives, mere mortals,in dis life where nothing is certain, does he own his life? does he know tomorrow?kai I don't even know what to type, be strong for your kids if you die his ex would move in less than two weeks and treat your kids anyhow.i have since learnt that my happiness does not depend on anyone not even my spouse.

I was moved by Your story but got pissed when i came across the " i LOVE HIM " bla bla bla shit

(or whatever that implies) on Your post. What amazes Me is the amount of energy n time on this Love

Bullshit ladies expend on the Son's of Adam. See Dove it is never in a woman's position to love a man

(that the hard truth) You are only admonised by God to RESPECT AND SUBMIT to a Man NEVER THE OTHER

WAY ROUND ( U can only Love a Man's Money )

U r depressed U still love Him

U have a major health and U still love Him

anyway sha My prayers are with You.....

Adufemi:

Thank u so much! I know its unhealthy for d children at the same time I now know why people say dnt let other people determine ur happiness. Cos they know this and sometimes they manipulate. I hate it too; I want to be self sufficient and happy by myself, I want to be that woman who ignores her hubby, live her life, take care of herself and her kids etc I make a new resolution everyday sumtimes ill tell maself I will ignore hubby and just be happy! Am succesful at this until I see him or he gets bak from wok and say sumfin nasty to me or ignores me.my heart breaks all over. At a point I travelled to Ghana by road to source for goods, d trip was unecessaer but I needed a break, I promised myself that ill have fun and not think about hubby or home. I dint last 24 hrs, I started calling him , he piked and told me he is busy and shld atop bothering him, he even set his phone to rejectamy calls permanently. I left Ghana the following day, I was supposed to spend 1 week.

Thanks for the advices and suggestions

Adufemiiiiii! Haba! U wan die on top love?
I really am sorry and regret to say that you are the one that empowered that guy to treat you like trash. YOU ARE SUFFOCATING HIM WITH LOVE PERIOD!!! NOBODY LIKES THAT, PERSONALLY IT PISSES ME OFF, AND AM SURE THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO UR HUBBY!
Free him abeg.
Try to harden up and see if you story will not change, it may be what attacted him back to his ex. He doesn't need the 'baby mama' kind of love.
Do ur tin and pay less attention to him, let's see if he won't come back and try to know what's making u tick.

Adufemi:

Thank u so much! I know its unhealthy for d children at the same time I now know why people say dnt let other people determine ur happiness. Cos they know this and sometimes they manipulate. I hate it too; I want to be self sufficient and happy by myself, I want to be that woman who ignores her hubby, live her life, take care of herself and her kids etc I make a new resolution everyday sumtimes ill tell maself I will ignore hubby and just be happy! Am succesful at this until I see him or he gets bak from wok and say sumfin nasty to me or ignores me.my heart breaks all over. At a point I travelled to Ghana by road to source for goods, d trip was unecessaer but I needed a break, I promised myself that ill have fun and not think about hubby or home. I dint last 24 hrs, I started calling him , he piked and told me he is busy and shld atop bothering him, he even set his phone to rejectamy calls permanently. I left Ghana the following day, I was supposed to spend 1 week.

Thanks for the advices and suggestions

Lady,you will do well and move out NOW.Your need to be away from your hubby to sort himself out and you help him with prayers.
I've seen women in your kind of situation slip into depression and usually don't come out of it.You need to your health and your sanity for your sake and the sake of your kids.
Sometimes love is not enough.

snazzylove:

Adufemiiiiii! Haba! U wan die on top love?
I really am sorry and regret to say that you are the one that empowered that guy to treat you like trash. YOU ARE SUFFOCATING HIM WITH LOVE PERIOD!!! NOBODY LIKES THAT, PERSONALLY IT PISSES ME OFF, AND AM SURE THAT IS WHAT IS HAPPENING TO UR HUBBY!
Free him abeg.
Try to harden up and see if you story will not change, it may be what attacted him back to his ex. He doesn't need the 'baby mama' kind of love.
Do ur tin and pay less attention to him, let's see if he won't come back and try to know what's making u tick.

hmmm snazzylove, is there any justification of been attracted to your ex while still married to spouse?? and please i need more explanation on the highlighted...

Acidosis: Hmn...
this marriage thing

*speechless*

my dear! The matter tire me!

Zehner: my dear! The matter tire me!

na so I see am dear

Godmystrength: hmmm snazzylove, is there any justification of been attracted to your ex while still married to spouse?? and please i need more explanation on the highlighted...

Justification?There's nothing to justify here.He is a man walking the wrong path,abandoning his family for some outside pleasure.He's not thinking if it's right or wrong,he's just doing it.

He doesn't love or respect you anymore or even tour family. You can't force him to.
Stop being so needy it's hard but it's the reality.
If you kill yourself trying to force him to love you your kids will be the ones to suffer.

He is not under any juju he is just not a content man from your story always on the look for the next best thing.

thorpido: There's more going on in this marriage than just acquisition of properties.

oh yeah? Did u read where she said they are doing fine now and he has fleet of cars. Finances caused d constraint in d family, and acquiring cars aint d best, u spend more to maintain cars and eventually they depreciate. At least if d man builds a shelter for his family, it's something. It is d legacy(debt/a good future) d man leaves the children will meet. The Op shd learn to stand on her feet for d sake of her children, and sorry for all u went thru.

Adufemi: Thanks all, I have thot of a temporary seperation, I ha
thanks for your suggestion, I have thought about the temporary seperation, I have even talked to him about it, if he feels it will help him sort his feelings out, he knows I dnt have have the guts am not sure ill be able to cope emotionally, who will be my friend? Who will love me? I love him way too much, I hate loving him that much, at the same time I dont want his ex to take advantage of the space. Yes I want my kids to grow with a father and also in a happy home, I grew up in one, but he grew up in a dysfunctional home, his father hits his mum. Am thinking he is a victim too, its a cycle. Ihave 2 boys I dnt wnt them to think its ok to hit their wives or grow up in a dysfunctional home. I desperately want to be happy but my happiness is tied to him(I know its unhealthy) but I cant help it
Ive discussed with his family but as i said earlier its dtsfunctional so no big deal to a husband hitting his wife if she is wrong, he doesnt speak to my parents anymore.

madam, you opened two separate threads for this and your story here is incomplete. Did you not also open this thread?
https://www.nairaland.com/1885551/please-meam-confused-depressed.i-dnt#25990304

where you said

My husband was my best and only friend then and I was his best and only friend too(he cut off all friends
cos of the mockery when he asked for financial help) even tho we were financially strained we will take a
drive to allen, to the island just for sightseeing, (we cldnt afford a proper date) He loved me soo much and I
loved him with my whole life, I cld sacrifice my life for him without blinking an eye
This fateful day came and he called me at work crying that he will be sacked cos of some financial
misappropriation or so, I quickly called my dad and even tho he didnt have lots f money he sent his last
money and all the little money I saved I sent to him to sort out the issue. The matter came to a head when a
certain amount of money was paid to all the staff in d organisation and he was given half of his entitlement
only.
He was so broken, it was a friday we decided to go for all night prayers in our church, we did, handed
everytin to God and we were at peace.
Lest I forget at that point we had rented a house, we got the money by engaging in this Ajo (monthly
contribution) both of us contributed 50/50. It was the happiest period of my life cos even tho we were
financially strained, we were both in love and happy. I trusted him Totally. We had our ups and downs . He
says I talk when he talks and he hates it but I always apologise and we settle it
we gradually started overcomimg our financial difficulties, I got promoted he landed a big customer, we
were no longer in debt and comfortable. Oh how I love my life den. It was my husbands bday and I wanted
to do something special, so I organised a surprise bday for him, it was a sitting room affair but lovely; as I
said earlier he dint have friends anymore so it was just colleagues and family affair
4 weeks after he beat me up for the first time; why? Because I was upset with him cos he was getting
reckless financially, ive been working for so long I cldnt buy myself a decent cloth or shoe and my husband
was always shopping online for new shoes, new clothes etc when I was still buying our son first grade
okrika from yaba all out of pocket, I cant bear to see my son suffer so I get him things he needs and stuffs
he has lacked, and was still contributing to the family savings and still contributing to feeding allowance
50/50. What I had left was just enought to cover transport fare and occasional lunch, I was so upset and let
him know my mind.( saved for his bday) he beat me up becos of that, but atleast he got a bicycle I have
been saving up to get for my son. The following day he bought me a new phone and asked for forgiveness, I
forgave and moved on.
He suddenly changed, I started seeing all sorts of msges on his phone but I turned a blindeye, I was still in
denial, cos I neva eva thot my husband will do such to me after all we have gone thru together.
The 2nd time he beat me was for eggs; we had
just given birth to our 2nd baby and I was constantly tired (was later diagnosed of a medical condition that
caused the tiredness) I went for a friends wedding and I made sure evrywia was neat and tidy but he
wanted to pick a fight with me at all cost ( cos I was upset he got home late, he started getting home
11:30, 12 midnight constantly ) I got back from the wedding, and he started shouting that the house was
untidy, I apologised and started cleaning (fot peace sake, the house was really neat; we had a maid, I hate
an untidy house Nd he knows that) as I was cleaning he brought the matress in our bedroom up and started
cleaning under the bed all the while insulting me. I kept quiet but was deeply hurt, I was also cooking and
he told me he wnt eat my food that d maid shld fry eggs for him, I took the eggs and kept it cos I bought it,
buy most tins and he doesnt appreciate it, I was trying to get his attention but I was doing it the wrong way,
I knew I was wrong but dint care cos I was tired of his attitude, he beat me up in front of d children, maid
and bro in law. He beat me and kicked me around, I had issues breathing for a long time, I had to call my
parent (the first time he beat me I cldnt tell anyone I was ashamed) I thot I was going to die cos I needed to
get to the hospital and I dint know who else to call, my mum started crying and my dad called my sis
husband to come and pik me, take me to the hospital. It was raining so heavily he cldnt come, oh how I
thot I was going to die on that day. I said a lots of things that day that I regret, in terms of insults, curses
and all that was after the beating, I wasnt in my right frame of mind, I apologised to him, he apologised to
me and we made up. Since that day he hates my parents because they dint support him for beating up their
daughter
He started having an affair with his exgirlfriend before the 2nd beating and that made him change, I had to
beg for sex sumtimes a month goes by without sex. Am a very attractive lady, I still weighed 59kg I
weighed b4 I started having kids, I looked good and took care of myself, it had nothing to do with my looks.
He took his first trip abroad , I wanted to go with him but he refused, i discovered he went on the trip with
the exgirlfriend, when I went to pick him up at the arrival section of the airport, he thot I will wait in the car,
but as I said earlier I looked good and was able to charm my way into the arrivals, he was shocked wen he
saw me there and screamed at me to get out in front of everybody, it was embarrassing, he dint wnt me to
see d girl but I had sighted her
He took the 2nd trip and went with same girl, refused to go wiv me , I lost my job during dse time,
diagnosed of an hard to treat illness that altered.my looks (made my eyes bulge, skin thick and black) and
hormones, messed up with my self esteem, I travelled abroad too to buy goods to sell he gave me some
money to assist added with my entitlements thats what I manage now.
Now he gets home constantly at 12 midnight or later, I saw a message on his phone where he was telling
the lady that she is his wife and all, he regrets being with me blah blah blah he told me to my face that he
dislikes my family and does not regret the affair, no apologies nufin. Its constant grief now, he barely talks
to me now, whatever issues he raises e.g I talk when he talks, I stop. He gives me boundaries and rules I
abide by them only for him to make new ones, if he is going out he doesnt tell me wia he goes to, he has
loads of friends that I dont even know , he stopped wearing his wedding ring, sex has totally stopped, he
says all sort of hateful things to me, he tells me all d time that he feeds me so I shldnt question his
movement or anything, he is into new businesses I dnt know anytin about he refuses to share tins with me
cos he says am badluck, he doesnt go out wiv me at alllll anymore, he treats me with disdain, doesnt eat,
doesnt sleep in the bedroom we shar.e. Av tried everything humanly possible, I still love him totally, I love
my children and do not want them to grow up in a broken home. He throws to my face constantly that its
becos I dnt have a job thats why I have time for nonsense (he calls my efforts at working on the marriage
nonsense).This morning I suggested marriage counselling, he insulted the living day out of me, he says all
d time I shld work on myself without being explicit, I dnt know what am doing wrong, I used to be a
confident happy wife wife and mum. Now my self esteem is wrecked, my dignity and my health, am
hypertensive now coupled with the health probs I mentioned earlier. He told me he cannot remember
anything good about the marriage, I asked him why he dint marry his ex instead of coming to me, he said
he was too young ans he regrets it. I have read every self help book, marriage book tried everything I know
or read. I dnt want the marriage to break up, and at the same time if I keep on like this I will break down
emotionally, depression is already setting in.
I am sorry for all the epistle , I need to pour my mind out, maybe the pain in my heart will lessen, house am
not saying I am perfect, I am not at all but one thing I know am not is proud or selfish. I can be rude when
am frustrated but that was when I was younger, I always apologise and we always settle. We both grew up
in this marriage we learnt everyday, I have invested too mch in this marriage in terms of emotions I am
rambling again, I aPologise. sorry for the typos I typed with ma phone

thorpido: Justification?There's nothing to justify here.He is a man walking the wrong path,abandoning his family for some outside pleasure.He's not thinking if it's right or wrong,he's just doing it.

I was responding to snazzylove where she said the OP might be responsible for why her husband is attracted to his ex

Juju ke?
Where was the juju when he was broke?

Some guys can be very loving and smooth when they are broke. Give a man wealth and his true self shows.

cococandy: Juju ke?
Where was the juju when he was broke?

Guys can be very loving and smooth when they are broke. Give a man wealth and his true self shows.

#word

Op I really feel and understand your pain.
I know what it's like to work with someone towards success. Sharing your pains and celebrating your joys together. With a Great hope for the future.
You think since you're so in love and so happy with so little,then it would be exponential when the wealth comes.
Alas it didn't happen.

Letting go can be so hard.
Admitting you worked so hard for nothing seems impossible.

Godmystrength: hmmm snazzylove, is there any justification of been attracted to your ex while still married to spouse?? and please i need more explanation on the highlighted...

No justification whatsoever. How do I explain this, its difficult for me to explain but I'll try. From all she's saying(Adufemi) she's actually showing hubby dat she's helplessly in love which I think is why hubby is reacting the way he is(my opinion though).
Then for getting attracted to ex, maybe I didn't put it right, but what am trying to say is that probably dat 'leech'(ex) is giving him tough love.
So in essence am saying she should try tough love ans see if it works for her and bring him back home plus prayers.
Hope u undrstand my point now, plus I never said OP is responsible for why hubby was attracted to ex.

Madam OP, stop talking about loving this man because you don't, you have to know how to love yourself before loving someone else and you obviously don't love yourself.

I hardly feel sorry for people passing through something like this, I mean how useless does one have to be to allow themselves be treated worse than trash, it's annoying abeg, pity yourself before looking for people to pity you.

cococandy:

Some Guys can be very loving and smooth when they are broke. Give a man wealth and his true self shows.

Once in a while, the use of some, most, average etc will help not to misunderstand your point.

And No, what you raised is not a gender specific problem but the Adamic nature in all.

In don't understand this "my happiness is tied to him" business. You sound like you're ready to die for him. You need to snap out of it. I can't tell you to keep him out go your life because no woman has left until she was ready to. You really need to take sometime out and have a frank talk with yourself. You do not love this man. You think you do but you don't. This is not love. You need to spend that energy on yourself.

Get some self help books geared towards situations like this. Get a notebook and write down all the things you wish for yourself. Your goals. 1year goal, 5 year goal, 10 year goal. Then come up with a plan and process to accomplish that. Write them down and write the steps you will take towards these goals. Some might take time but stay on course. Every night before you sleep you should write a list of what you will do the next day towards the shorter term goals. On the weekend go through all your lists and see what you accomplished and write a new list for the week that you will break down daily through the following week. When you stay on this and focus all your energy on you then you will gradually start seeing life as beautiful again. I got through a particularly difficult break up like this. I'm the type of person that writes lists for my lists anyway but i became a todo list writer on steroids. It helped me stay focused and left no time in my day to answer his calls or think about him. It's easy to get lost in someone else but for your sanity and definitely for the sake of your kids you have no choice but to snap out of it. Take the focus off him and put the focus on you.

bellong:
The first thing you need now is to get your sanity and self esteem back. If you remain in a toxic environment, you will go deeper in depression than the current state.

What you are fighting for isn't right for the children. It is not doing them any psychological advantage for them to constantly witness how your husband batters you. They are better raised with a single responsible parent than with two parents who wouldn't be able to manage their business without involving them.

Please, your children shouldn't be present witnessing how your husband harrasses you all in the name of wanting them to grow up with a father.

Involve your parents about the situation, get a temporary separation from him. Stay away from him for about two - three months to give him time to reevaluate the situation.

Do not underestimate the power of prayer if peradventure he is under the influence of charms.

It is well.

Thank you sir, God bless you

I really do not know where this 'staying for kids' in a toxic environment came from. The kids are learning fast that's why domestic violence will never cease.

@ OP, Please move out of the house temporarily for your sanity's sake and health. Luckily, you have a business that can get you going for now. Also involve your parents and let him come out to say what his future for your marriage is.

It takes two (husband & wife) to work on a marriage, you cannot do it alone

It is well

Cant you see the more reason why you should separate from him. His major problem is that he is easily influenced by friends/anything not that he does not love you. If the job he has now ends he will have nothing to show as he squanders as he gets them. Stop trying to make him love you cos you only making yourself worthless in his eyes. The said girlfriend may even be treating him like rag. If he lost the job,friends and all, he will come to you only to start being foolish again anytime he his on his feet as he will make new foolish ones. The only sure way to get him to start thinking sensibly is to pray he gets truely born again-now are born again yourself to start praying he is one? Its not easy but you and thankGod you have something doing

Adufemi:
I make a new resolution everyday sumtimes ill tell maself I will ignore hubby and just be happy! Am succesful at this until I see him or he gets bak from wok and say sumfin nasty to me or ignores me.my heart breaks all over. At a point I travelled to Ghana by road to source for goods, d trip was unecessaer but I needed a break, I promised myself that ill have fun and not think about hubby or home. I dint last 24 hrs, I started calling him , he piked and told me he is busy and shld atop bothering him, he even set his phone to rejectamy calls permanently. I left Ghana the following day, I was supposed to spend 1 week.
Thanks for the advices and suggestions

Madam op i am reall sorry about what you are going through but you can change your situation and that is what all other posters have written. you are an educated , full grown mother who should be able to take decisions for herself. I might sound harsh but i think you need a bit of tough love.

Your husband is enjoying the fact that your life is miserable and that is why he makes it worse.You need a total change of attitude and outlook to life . If he your husband falls down and die i guess u would die with him and make your lovely children orphans? Why do you need the love of a man to validate your existence, a mere mortal like yourself who has no control over his own life? Worse have happened to people and they have gotten out stronger and happier. I am happy that you have a business even if its small , focus your energy on it,nuture it and watch it grow. This would allow you prepare for any eventualites. You say he loves the kids abi like he loved you before ,what is stopping him from disregarding them in future .

Your husband is not a lost case but most men only find there way home when they are totally destroyed , do you want to wait for that , to prove that you are the dutiful wife . The best revenge will be getting a life and fixing yourself up while he squanders his away. Take charge for once , you are responsible two adorable children.

And if i might ask whats your parents take on this ?

if seperation or divorce so be it , at least your life is most important and you have a better shot at been happy . As per your health it is your responsibility so take charge .

Adufemi:

Thank u so much! I know its unhealthy for d children at the same time I now know why people say dnt let other people determine ur happiness. Cos they know this and sometimes they manipulate. I hate it too; I want to be self sufficient and happy by myself, I want to be that woman who ignores her hubby, live her life, take care of herself and her kids etc I make a new resolution everyday sumtimes ill tell maself I will ignore hubby and just be happy! Am succesful at this until I see him or he gets bak from wok and say sumfin nasty to me or ignores me.my heart breaks all over. At a point I travelled to Ghana by road to source for goods, d trip was unecessaer but I needed a break, I promised myself that ill have fun and not think about hubby or home. I dint last 24 hrs, I started calling him , he piked and told me he is busy and shld atop bothering him, he even set his phone to rejectamy calls permanently. I left Ghana the following day, I was supposed to spend 1 week.

Thanks for the advices and suggestions

I can't believe all this, i think you have been charmed.

For women like the OP I normally dont give advice because they dont need it.
If an adult cannot love herself then there is little anyone else can do for her. I am sure her parents and people are tired of talking too and she may have stopped talking tosome of them who tell her the truth she doesnt want to hear, all she wants to believe is that he is charmed and she would probably go from place to place to "break the charm" Good luck to her.

Infidelity and battery yet she clings on for dear life doesnt even want to try reassesing her life for the fear of the mistress "Taking her place" what Place A place for battery, heartache and pain? Let the mistress take it by all means jor, gladly hand it over.

snazzylove:

No justification whatsoever. How do I explain this, its difficult for me to explain but I'll try. From all she's saying(Adufemi) she's actually showing hubby dat she's helplessly in love which I think is why hubby is reacting the way he is(my opinion though).
Then for getting attracted to ex, maybe I didn't put it right, but what am trying to say is that probably dat 'leech'(ex) is giving him tough love.
So in essence am saying she should try tough love ans see if it works for her and bring him back home plus prayers.
Hope u undrstand my point now, plus I never said OP is responsible for why hubby was attracted to ex.

okay. but i still don't get it. tough love in marriage? anything wrong in loving your spouse without measure?? abeg snazzylove, no confuse me o.

.

soulglo: In don't understand this "my happiness is tied to him" business. You sound like you're ready to die for him.

Exactly d problem I have with her situation.
Smh

Godmystrength: okay. but i still don't get it. tough love in marriage? anything wrong in loving your spouse without measure?? abeg snazzylove, no confuse me o.

Nne desperate situation calls for desperate measures. B4 I married my hussy, I used to love like this oo(the I go die type of love), not that I don't still luv him very much though, but not at the detriment of my life(that I cherish so much). When we got married and I started seeing tinz, no be person tell me use water dilute d love small and develop thick skin towards certain things.
Exactly what am asking Adufemi to try out.

snazzylove:

Nne desperate situation calls for desperate measures. B4 I married my hussy, I used to love like this oo(the I go die type of love), not that I don't still luv him very much though, but not at the detriment of my life(that I cherish so much). When we got married and I started seeing tinz, no be person tell me use water dilute d love small and develop thick skin towards certain things.
Exactly what am asking Adufemi to try out.

na wa for love o

Oh sorry I realize I should have used 'some'.
My bad.

bellong:

Once in a while, the use of some, most, average etc will help not to misunderstand your point.

And No, what you raised is not a gender specific problem but the Adamic nature in all.