magictouch:


I wasnt going to comment until i read the bolded part. Anyways just know that with your lovey dovey behaviour, he is going to hate u more.
you dont love urself and u are VERY weak and he knows this, so he is taking advantage of this.
Babes u are too young to be putting yourself through this stress, if u drop dead today, he wouldnt even think twice about remarrying within a year.

Oh girl no time for dolling oooh, let me tell u wot works for me.... when my hubby begins acting funny, I just distant myself completely. If he like make e use e head waka, if he refuses the eat, no problem, I and my kids eats the food in his very presence, if he ask questions I give straight answers, I tell you he cant carry on for more than 3-4 days he will be on his kneels begging unlike before I use to cry and beg at his kneels. he now knows that Kaki no be leather and he wonders where I get my strength from cos he know I also do not have friends.

I got this tip from Nairaland and it's been working for me. Please stop licking his ass and live ur life.

Thank u so much! I started dse yday, and gosh! I feel so good! Its hard tho but I just thot about it, when I was on my knees begging with all d lovey dovey all I get was insults so I decided to ignore him totally, I dint call all day (sumtimes am tempted to tho, habits die hard u know) when I called it was to ask if he will be having dinner, and he said whatever. So I made food when.he got back I served him ignored totally had my earpiece on listening to musicand singing along, all happy. He met me singing and happy when he got back around 12.midnight. I was sad at first but when I kept on with the singing true joy vame from within.
He slept in d sitting room as usual I slept in our bedroom. He was sooo grumpy he hates seeing me happy and self sufficient lolzz he woke up gtumpy dse morning but I pretended like I dint care, I went about my normal chores, got dressed and told him I was going out. He cldnt ask wia I was going lolz I drove out to send some goods to a customer. Am suree he was expecting me to call him or ask him whats wrong, so he can dish out insults but I wnt
I Have made up my mind come what may, I will be selfish for a while, itsnot easy but I will tryyy and if I feel am failing or going back to my former state of weakness ill run to this forum and aak for help again.

Thanks all you have really been a source of help and strength, I now know the importance of sharing one's Problems. I appreciate all the suggestions, criticisms and advices

^^^ This your strategy may be effective in resolving your emotional issues at best but it is laying a very weak and bad foundation for the children.

Children learn more from their parents' actions than from spoken words. What they will be learning is treating your spouse using the ignore button and living together with no mutual respect and love.

You may have a temporary relief but it will never solve your problem. If you had no kids, I wouldn't be bothered with this method.

Please don't teach those children evil.

pickabeau1:

i can appreciate where you are coming from but mid games in a marriage are never the best
Nothing works like communication in my opinion



who sai..u sef tah!.. i will never advocate mind games or divorce as some are wont to do

Thanks ! But wia communication has broken down totally what happens? We dont even talk anymore just the occasional are u eating? Yes, No. Gosh I have tried! But he says he is not interested in any form of communication, except I want to go crazy, its either I ignore o r we part ways temporarily. I believe temporary seperation shld be the last resort. So I have chosen the mind games. I choose to love myself, to love my kids to ignore anything or whoever makes me sad. Live my life and be happy. What do u think?

bellong: ^^^ This your strategy may be effective in resolving your emotional issues at best but it is laying a very weak and bad foundation for the children.

Children learn more from their parents' actions than from spoken words. What they will be learning is treating your spouse using the ignore button and living together with no mutual respect and love.

You may have a temporary relief but it will never solve your problem. If you had no kids, I wouldn't be bothered with this method.

Please don't teach those children evil.

I am not happy doing this too but to keep my sanctity now till I get a good solution to all this. I spoke to my parents yday, they were so upset wiv me for not sharing all d while but dy were supportive as usual.

They are working on getting me a job in my home state and then ill get an apartment. I dnt want to stay wit ma parents cos of our culture. I cannot divorce or anything cos God hates divorce.

I am so sad that it has gotten to this but as I said earlier the temporary seperation is d last resort. I hope he realises his mistake in time if not ill have to go wit d seperation thing

cirmuell: both, the lady's age is understandable but the guy is just too young at that age if you ask me.

Am not so sure age has anything to do with maturity. There are a lot of old immature guys and also very young matured guys. It all boils down to maturity and emotional intelligence

cirmuell: that's what happens when younglins who don't know jack sh¡t 'bout marriage rush into it like tomorrow will never come.

Marriage is an institution Sir, am not sure anybody knows everything about marriage before venturing into it, we learn everyday in marriage. It takes total commitment on both part to make it work. Feel free to correct me if am wrong

Adufemi:
Thanks ! But wia communication has broken down totally what happens? We dont even talk anymore just the occasional are u eating? Yes, No. Gosh I have tried! But he says he is not interested in any form of communication, except I want to go crazy, its either I ignore o r we part ways temporarily. I believe temporary seperation shld be the last resort. So I have chosen the mind games. I choose to love myself, to love my kids to ignore anything or whoever makes me sad. Live my life and be happy. What do u think?

i think bellong has spoken my mind
separation at times may be helpful in forcing confrontation to deal with the issues .. its not always negative

You may need to get a discreet elderly person to initiate couselling and mediation

Adufemi:
I am not happy doing this too but to keep my sanctity now till I get a good solution to all this. I spoke to my parents yday, they were so upset wiv me for not sharing all d while but dy were supportive as usual.

They are working on getting me a job in my home state and then ill get an apartment. I dnt want to stay wit ma parents cos of our culture. I cannot divorce or anything cos God hates divorce.

I am so sad that it has gotten to this but as I said earlier the temporary seperation is d last resort. I hope he realises his mistake in time if not ill have to go wit d seperation thing

There is no part in my comments that suggests you divorce your husband.

All I am telling you is to be away from the environment for a time to work on yourself and health. Separation does not necessarily mean it will end in divorce.

God hates divorce, I agree but God didn't create robots who shouldn't take decision when life is being threatened.

[quote author=bellong]

There is no part in my comments that suggests you divorce your husband.

All I am telling you is to be away from the environment for a time to work on yourself and health. Separation does not necessarily mean it will end in divorce.

God hates divorce, I agree but God didn't create robots who shouldn't take decision when life is being threatened.[/quote thank u so mch, I was just thinking aloud @ divorce. Thats why I explained to u @ d steps am taking towards temporary seperation. Ill kip all posted

[quote author=Adufemi][/quote]


OK.... It is well with you.

Prior to temporary separation, if you can find a place with the children for a two week vacation away from home, it will be a good idea.

Test the vacation first, keep your calls to him during the period to the barest minimum and let the kids be opportuned to talk to him.

bellong: ^^^ This your strategy may be effective in resolving your emotional issues at best but it is laying a very weak and bad foundation for the children.

Children learn more from their parents' actions than from spoken words. What they will be learning is treating your spouse using the ignore button and living together with no mutual respect and love.

You may have a temporary relief but it will never solve your problem. If you had no kids, I wouldn't be bothered with this method.

Please don't teach those children evil.

I quite agree with you, but desperate issues requires desperate actions. Like I said tears and pleading didnt work for me and I tried every 'soft' way possible, it only made him treat me more awful. I got tired of seeing the kids cry as I cried too and I needed to be strong for them. I have read and seen how a husband's maltreatment killed the wife, I want to be alive for myself and children.

pickabeau1:

i can appreciate where you are coming from but mind games in a marriage are never the best
Nothing works like communication in my opinion
[b][/b]


who sai..u sef tah!.. i will never advocate mind games or divorce as some are wont to do

you can only try your possible best to communicate by initiating the discussion in a subtle manner but when all else fails and you cannot force his mouth open to talk what do you do. each time I give him distance he becomes the one starting up talks.

This is not the best way, but it is my last option

ok

magictouch:

you can only try your possible best to communicate by initiating the discussion in a subtle manner but when all else fails and you cannot force his mouth open to talk what do you do. each time I give him distance he becomes the one starting up talks.

This is not the best way, but it is my last option

Adufemi my love, my sweetheart and my world. I don't know you but I am grieved by what you have passed through because of love. I wouldn't say I have passed through half of what you have passed through. But at least I have known what it is love someone without being loved in return.

I have been there, you do these things thinking it will make him love you but the more you do it the more he resents you. People have said a lot and there are so many good advise. So pick from it and apply it. Love yourself, I feel you should try temporary separation if you could. But if you can't, you have to learn how to ignore. I won't say it is easy, cos there are times you will break down and cry and you will talk to yourself and you will go and beg him all over.

From my own experience, it doesn't work. The more you cry the more it resents them. Hubby has told me before that am insecure, clingy and don't want him to have fun. You don't want to leave because of the ex, God forbid you dropped death today. The ex will pack in the next moment and maltreat those kids you are staying for.

Stop begging, stop crying, stop spending your money in the house. Let him cater for almost everything since he has money to throw around. Some people will say I am wicked but dear from my experience, you can't plan finances with a man that isn't planning with you. Save for the future, love that isn't reciprocated dies.

Today I was about posting on how I could stay away from being hurt after all the money, emotions I have invested in my marriage. Yet still see that hubby is still keeping in touch with exes, and one keeps asking for money. New girls that he still gives money. All these gets to me once in a while, but I looked back and say with all I have learnt here. Nuffin new that I will be told but ignore. So I am learning to ignore and be happy. Even in the face of me not having money again, I want to love myself and ignore.

Sorry for the long epistle.

Getting married? All for what ? Pshhhh !

@Adufemi hi,

I read your post and it's heart-rending. Your distress is palpable. From what you've shared, it's quite clear that both you and your husband were immature when you married. And he was spoilt and somewhat irresponsible to boot.

I started to shake my head as I read the opening account of the run up to your marriage and the issues you went through. Courtship really should be the best time - your hardship started before you even tied the not, instead of it being a time of joy and the prologue to the most fulfilling time of your life.

The one good thing that comes out of all you've suffered is that you've grown-up somewhat- having learnt some hard lessons - and still demonstrate an admirable desire to restore your union. My short response would be; pray and hope for the best, expect the worse and work with the truth of your present reality.

There are children involved, please think of their long-term welfare. But too be honest, I'm in some ways more concerned about you in the immediacy of this situation. You are in poor health, severely distressed and with barely a support network. Your "love" for your husband, may appear to give you reason to persevere, but you must not let it blind you to some of the hard choices you need to make based on what gives here.

Love does no harm to another. If this man treats, scratch that, humiliates you as described, he certainly does not love you. And I would ask, what is it about such a one that you yourself love? It's a distorted love, more of a unilateral dependency, as evidenced by your hurt at a lack of intimacy. Really? That should be the least of your worries and perhaps something that is a small mercy.

You not only need to be out of there, but you also need to be somewhere where you will be given the care and love you sorely need at this point. Please attend to your health as a matter of urgency. You'll need strength for the times ahead. I hope your immediate family can be there for you at this time.

Take time to consider your situation and what's best for you and your children. I won't be prescriptive, but please think long and hard about the future. Even if you do get back with your husband - assuming he is actually willing - it has to be on the basis of adult and responsible love for you and your children. You will be best served by making your own way than living a repeat episode of what you have just gone through. I'm not sure you'll live to tell the tale if you do.

The Lord be with you. All the very best.


TV

^{I posted this on the other thread. I'm on my phone so can't read through this one, I'll just repost. I see some stalwarts on here, so hope you are being encouraged.}

Thank you all for your advises, apologies that it took so long to update.
Fast forward>>>>>> finally moved out around November, 2015 on a sunday morning, the abuses started again, It never stopped but it was horrible on this particular day, I snapped mentally and got a knife to stab him. Thank God my sister and bro in law was around that particular weekend they held me, my sis took me to the bedroom, and called a Taxi, I did not know what I was doing, cant even remember! she narrated everything that happened later, ( Nervous breakdown temporary insanity?) I cant explain what happened. Thank God they ware around, I'll probably be cooling in prison now for murder, God forbid!

We left with the clothes on our back and bathroom slippers, It was hard! but God proved himself. I have the best family ever!, the emotional support was great! financially I had to struggle to make ends meet. Right now my self confidence and self esteem is at its peak, I never knew I possess this kind of strength.

I have a fantastic job now, came out of the blues! no application! no proper interview, just a chat! I see God in action. My kids are back in school ( enrolled them in a new sch) their dad refused to pay school fees and support at first, hoping ill crawl back hungry, now he pays occasionally, I really cant be bothered.

My son told me something last month that broke my heart: he is just 5 years old, He said mum, you smile a lot and you are now happy! I don't want us to go back to our daddy cos he is always making you cry! I love you mum. I want you to smile always. If for this alone,I do not regret that i left. Since we left his parents have neither asked about the grand kids nor checked on us, they even went as far as deleting me on their social network pages like I care. My husband logged into my facebook page and deleted all his pictures, He also asked for a divorce which I told him i'll grant whenever he is ready. The funny thing is he moved into a new apartment somewhere on the Island the same week we moved out of the house, It was all planned.

I had to start all over, new clothes, shoes, children's clothes, shoes etc the thing is nothing is comparable to ones happiness and peace of mind, I am happy, my kids are happy, do I miss my husband?? Yes I certainly do! will I trade my happiness to be with him? No I definitely wont. I do not have friends cos a lot of them started avoiding me but I really do not care, life has taught me not to care.

I am grateful to God, my family and to those who took the time to advise when I posted on nairaland, I am indeed grateful! from the bottom of my my heart I say thank you, and to those who are currently going through a difficult time and think God has forgotten them, no he hasn't, very soon you'll be surprised positively!!!!

Apologies for the typos, I type really fast and never proof read

^^^^^... Thank God you came out strong. . Make God continue to be with you and your kids....

Adufemi,

Good... Good...... Very good.

Your boy is smart. Can you see what I was trying to prevent? He already knew you weren't happy and was absorbing his dad's actions subconsciously.

I wish you well in all your endeavour. May you find happiness and marital fulfillment again.