My first contact with this guy whom I will call worried guy for the purpose of this article was through another e-mail address. He’d asked if I could spare a few minutes to discuss a very personal issue with him on a given phone number which I’d obliged.
We have been talking ever since and the thrust of our discussion is what I have reproduced below as he has requested. Worried guy is a 32 year old hard working and very focussed banker, while his wife whom he met at the university works as a teacher in a private Secondary school.
They are both Christians and have been married for close to three years, but he would rather not take his problems to the church for personal reasons. He is counting on you and I to work things out. Please, let do this together!
Dear Yetunde,
I have a very serious problem which has started affecting me psychologically and even my performance at my job.
I have tried to work things out with my wife but it has not yielded any positive result as I am not convinced about the situation. I feel too ashamed to discuss the problem with my pastor and even worse with my mother because I know that will only escalate things. Trust me, I know my mother and mothers generally. As for my friends, I am afraid they might turn around to use it against us and make me the butt of their jokes
My problem started last December, over the festive period to be precise. I caught my wife on our matrimonial bed having sex with a vibrator. I almost collapsed because I was shocked beyond what words can describe. I found myself shaking from head to toe, unable to even say anything. I felt so disgusted and sick that I had to rush to the bathroom to splash water over my face to avoid vomiting.
She must have been so engrossed in what she was doing that she did not even know when I entered our apartment and walked into the room to find her in that position. It was my movement that brought her back to reality.
What I found most disturbing at that moment was why she could not wait for me if she was so in need of sex, since I’d called her earlier on that I was on my way home. And though she got up immediately and started pleading with me that it was the devil, I did not bring myself to talk to her until very early in the morning of the next day.
She told me a friend in her office had given it to her to try out and it was her first time of using it. And that she would have told me about it but wanted to try it out first. She mentioned somebody’s name which she said I have never met and pleaded that she would return it and never use it again. She managed to convince me that it was an innocent one-off-thing which I did not need to bother myself about and I accepted.
But it was difficult for me to forget as I kept seeing the picture of her in that position in my head and wondering if it was right for a married, Christian woman to be doing such a thing. To me, it is something made by the Satan for his children.
Later that week, she told me she had returned it and things went back to normal between us but I was surprised to find the instrument again in her underwear drawer by accident. She was not at home, so I took it out and laid it on her side of the bed. As soon as she saw it, she went on her knees again and began to beg me.
She said she did not know how to return the thing since it was a gift and would not want to upset her colleague at the office, nor embarrass herself. She insisted she was not using it and was also scouting for whom she too can give it to.
Since I did not catch her using it, I had no choice but to let it go. However, I was not comfortable and began suspecting her. I later hatched a plan to catch her and before long, it worked. What I saw that evening was worse than the previous one and still haunts me till today.
I’d never seen my wife look that way before even when we are doing it. I was transfixed that I had to hide quietly behind the door way to allow her finish before I opened the door. Immediately my wife went on her knees, begging that it was the devil again.
I refused to talk to her and walked out of the apartment. I just walked round and round the neighbourhood because I felt lost and didn’t know where to go or who to talk to. I felt thoroughly betrayed. I had never looked at another woman in my life, before and even after I met her. I’d never looked at porn magazines or movie, not to talk of having a girlfriend, and worse still, owning a intimacy gadget.
I could only manage to keep my anger for two days as she kept crying and asking for forgiveness, promising never to use it again. I could not bear to see her that way too, so, I insisted she had to tell me the truth.
She then told me that since the matter was no longer a secret, it was better she confessed everything to me. She said the vibrator was hers and she had been using it even before she became a born again Christian, as she was introduced to it while in Secondary school. (A girls only school) I don’t understand the logic, but she said it was a way to show that they did not need male company? Were they Lesbians?
She insisted they were not. When she became “born again” in the university, she stopped, she said. This was where we met and started first as friends, then I got the message that she was my wife and we eventually got married two years after our service year. She said she was forced to go and buy another vibrator after a discussion with some ladies in her office about how much they enjoyed their sex life and she missed the fun she used to have. She also told me that she does not get satisfaction from what we do together but did not want to hurt my feelings by telling me and begged me to allow her to continue using the thing and that it will not affect what we have together, after all, I never would have guessed it, if I had not caught her using it.
My problem now is that, though I have not caught her again in almost two months, I am still not happy because I know she is doing it and its disgusting to me. Though she says it will not affect us, it is already affecting me because anytime I want to have sex with her, that picture comes to my mind and spoils my mood. I will have to just force myself because I have nowhere else to relieve myself.
My work schedule is very tight as I work in the bank and have to leave home very early in the morning and most times, don’t return home until around 10pm or even later. I am also taking some professional courses, so, that also takes away most of my weekends. But my wife is a teacher, so she has more than enough time on her hands to do all she wants before I return.
Before you ask what I have done to make our love life better, I have tried to do everything she tells me, and though she says she is now enjoying it, I am not convinced. I do not see that look on her face. And it is making me feel inadequate as a husband. We have been married for three years and we are yet to conceive a child and I sometimes wonder if this is her priority. I know what I am facing with my mother and family on that issue alone, not to now add this one to it.
Have I not bitten more than I can chew with this girl? My wife is unfaithful to me and I am powerless to do anything about it. Please Aunty Yetunde, help me. I want Nigerians to advise me on what next to do. I don’t want anyone to know my identity please.
Worried guy in Lagos.
Well Nigerians, the ball is in your court. As is my style, I never assume I have the best answers to all relationship problems and this guy is sure not expecting me to provide him one.
He is asking for your opinion to enable him take his decisions concerning his situation. So, what do you think is the way out for this couple? Is worried guy just a sex novice or his wife is being too clever by half? Is she really cheating on him with this toy or helping him? There are so many other issues I noticed in this guy’s story which I am hoping you will spot out too. Please, let’s help to save this marriage.

This might take a while to read.

Being an addict to something is not very easy to let go. It's either she is just an addict or/and d guy isnt satisfying her. Let him do his home work on dat, from there, he can know d next turn to take.

Wow! I took all the pain to read through your post, although it's a Monday morning,Lol.

What I see there is that you are a novist when it comes to love making. You should be grateful she isn't cheating on you with a real guy. Your sex life is whack.

Most girls masturbate/handle themselves to complement their husband's lapses on bed. Ask around you will get what I mean.

I guess you need to sit her down and discuss about your sex life...

Resign if need be and get a job that will give you enough time with your wife .

"then I got the message that she was my wife and we
eventually got married two years after our service
year."....who sent the message?

You should learn how to summarize, but from what I deduced from your story, if your wife derives joy in doing that, you should let her be and also learn to live with it. Don't allow Lil stuffs like this to kill your vibe

jst work on ur sex life

sseunth: "then I got the message that she was my wife and we
eventually got married two years after our service
year."....who sent the message?

Lol.

His pastor or imam.

You know Nigerians and religion.

Funny people.

Hmmmmmmm
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.yoruba go say : food wey husband no dey chop wife nor suppose cook am