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Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Naijasinglegirl: 7:49pm On Oct 11, 2014
I spent the whole of yesterday evening watching hollywood romantic movies. When I was done, I wept for my single status all night. I felt like I deserve to be arrested for being single.

These Hollywood guys know how to make love/ dating look so beautiful.

The images I saw of them kissing, holding hands, looking into each other eyes, whispering sweet nothings (what does that mean anyway?) will surely keep me depressed for days. When this mood eventually fades, I'm going back to the best movies for single ladies, Horror Movies!


As much as I admire those romantic nonsense, its difficult to practice them in Nigeria. Any girl/woman that complains her Nigerian boyfriend/husband is not romantic is simply callous.

Ladies, are you still looking for a guy that's gonna spread red roses on the bed every night? Have you seen red roses before apart from hibiscus flowers? You still want to fall asleep with romantic candles around your bed like its a deliverance session?

Do you know its really difficult, time consuming and expensive to be romantic in this country?

I know why I'm asking these questions.

I've been there and as usual, I'm here to share my experiences.

Aside the two and a half men I dated, they were several quarters I had. I choose to call them quarters (I'll refer to them as Loverboys in all my posts) because I never said yes to their relationship proposal. At the same time I got jealous whenever they were around other girls.
I guess loneliness and fear of heartbreak were responsible for this my despicable behaviour.

Back then I had stacks of mills&booms novels.

I loved Jack & kate kind of love.

I was a die hard fan of Romeo & Juliet.

A couple of times, my obsession with the above characters had me speaking old English to my male admirers.

I wondered which guy would paint me nude like it happened in Titanic without drugging and raping me afterwards.

I also liked how Jack in Titanic died for Kate like a real man making it look like death is nothing.

I wondered which Nigerian guy would volunteer to die for me.

I wanted to experience those things I read so bad...

My first fantasy was to lie by a natural waterside with my lover while we tell ourselves 'sweet nothings'.
We might even strip and dive into the water like it happens abroad. Then I remembered Loverboy like most Nigerian men has a big tummy full of fufu. The pressure of the 15kg of fufu in his tummy might just drown him. Aside that, my enemies might be lurking around with camera phone waiting to take my nudes.

Okay, no diving! We'll just lie by the waterside.

I thought of a suitable beach we could visit. No idea so I googled the words 'lying down with boyfriend in a Nigerian Beach'

Results:
-Two dead bodies found lying in Elegushi Beach, aftermath of severe tide.

-Boyfriend machetes girlfriend to death at a popular beach in Lagos

-A dead fish suspected to be shark found at Beach in Nigeria

-Birthday party turns mourning ground as a final year undergraduate of UNILAG drowns in Beach.


Arrgghhh!!!!

Bad news in beaches. Water might even wash us away while we are busy whispering sweet nothings.

I didn't want a situation I'll lie on the beach sand with my lover only to open my eyes to see him in hell while I'm chilling in heaven. LOL
Whatever happened to those sort of cool deaths that ends with car chases, explosions in slow motion and several police helicopters hovering around one body?

I thought of going for rivers.

River Niger was the only River I could think of. It means we are gonna drive down all the way to Onitsha just to lie under bridge like refuges just because I want to experience romance?

The government even said Niger Bridge might collapse soon. What if it collapses on our head while we are busy whispering 'sweet nothings'?

How am I going to explain what we were doing to Angel Gabriel when I arrive at heaven's gate?

I don't even want to mention all the disgusting refuse by River Niger and other 'yama yama'.

Love is not that serious so I ruled out rivers.

Okay I was going to settle for streams, I thought.

I called a friend that stays in the outskirts of town to enquire if I could visit their village stream for 'romantic purposes'

''My dear, you can go o BUT you are at your own risk o! I heard that's where they do sacrifice to gods. Aside that, there is a harmless python that...''

''Okay okay okay! I don't want to hear more'' I cut her off at the mention of the word python.

How am I going to explain the snake bites to my parents all in the name of romance?

Lying by the waterside in Nigeria✗

Since every romantic idea I though of didn't seem feasible, I tried out taking a long walk with Loverboy late in the evening while we held hands.

This should be easy and there are no risks, I thought.

Loverboy reluctantly agreed to that just to satisfy me. We walked for thirty minutes till we got to a grassland.

''Dear, let's lie on the grass and count the stars just like Nala and Simba did in The Lion King'' I suggested.

I mean if mere Lions could be that romantic, Nigerian men have no excuse!

I was such a hypocrite to suggest that reasons;
1, Watching or counting the stars is BORINGGGGGG especially when there's no suya to munch away.

2, I hate counting anything if its not money.

3, I am extremely poor in mathematics.


Loverboy might dump me right there when he realises I don't know how to count anything from 11 above. Luckily for me they were only seven visible stars that night. I was safe.

Everything was going on well until sand flies gate crashed our little party.

I must have murdered over fifteen sand flies.

Then I heard him scream.

''What's that Loverboy?''

''Its papa o, it has bitten my nose''

The boss of insects has arrived, I thought.

I hope you all know 'papa' is that annoying little insect that is always in a bad mood.

''Let's go home.'' I felt bad Loverboy was in so much pain.

We started the long walk back. A few metres walk and we heard a deep voice

"Who goes there?''

Arrrgghhh!!! Nigerian agberos won't even let someone be romantic in peace.

Two huge agberos walked up to us.

One of them brought out a knife

''oya give me your phones''

Luckily for me I was not with a phone. He took Loverboy's phone and ordered us to run like Lot's wife without looking back.

The next day, Loverboy boy's swollen nose from the insect bite reminded me of the pyramid of Egypt.

One look at him and I vowed never to force a Nigerian man to be romantic.

visit Naijasinglegirl's blog @ http://www.naijasinglegirl.net

162 Likes 11 Shares

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Baddestguyp(m): 7:52pm On Oct 11, 2014
forget the Movies and face real life. Movies are make-believe. Nigerian guys are romantic but to an extent. u don't expect us to act silly cos we like a girl

35 Likes 1 Share

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Nobody: 7:56pm On Oct 11, 2014
Naijasinglegirl and her comic relief smiley
Really nice.

About Nigerian guys. We are very romantic in our own right wink, we just don't have time whispering "sweet nothing" cheesy

11 Likes

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by naijaboiy: 7:57pm On Oct 11, 2014
Hehehehehe... cheesy

Spot on cool
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by djeezy(m): 7:58pm On Oct 11, 2014
What a funny post. This is a result of too much movies. After our Naija girls watched titanic, they now expected us to become Jack. Anyway the love they portray in these white movies is too good to be real. I watched one recently ''Endless love''. I was sad for a moment because I have never felt that kind of love before. Then I had to come back to my senses. It's just a movie afterall.

13 Likes 1 Share

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by valmunich(m): 8:01pm On Oct 11, 2014
OP, who taught you summary in high school undecided

16 Likes 1 Share

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by 2kurupt(m): 8:04pm On Oct 11, 2014
Keep dreaming sister...

3 Likes

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Nobody: 8:04pm On Oct 11, 2014
valmunich:
OP, who taught you summary in high school undecided
lol,shes really emotionally deranged,i feel for her tho

1 Like

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by naijaboiy: 8:06pm On Oct 11, 2014
valmunich:
OP, who taught you summary in high school undecided
djeezy:
Long story.
Try reading it...
It's fun cheesy

7 Likes

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Naijasinglegirl: 8:07pm On Oct 11, 2014
djeezy:
Long story.
we are sorry Sir

3 Likes 1 Share

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by godofwar666(m): 8:24pm On Oct 11, 2014
Let me comment first and go back to the passage and read the stuff undecided o boy e long o, op u sabi rite o
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by djeezy(m): 8:52pm On Oct 11, 2014
naijaboiy:


Try reading it...
It's fun cheesy
okay lemme read it like I'm reading for exam.
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by sheunfemix: 8:52pm On Oct 11, 2014
I think some Nigerian guys are Romantic. Not all whites are romantic they have awkward moments too. My hubby got bitten by an ant too once in Ibadan zoo and after d xperience we have a nice tym laughing. I teased him like crazy smiley if u get the right person romance will come easy

3 Likes

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by naijaboiy: 8:53pm On Oct 11, 2014
djeezy:
okay lemme read it like I'm reading for exam.
grin
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by manuelpepper: 9:08pm On Oct 11, 2014
its too long, no time.
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Rapsainot(m): 9:25pm On Oct 11, 2014
undecided mi ole waku o
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by dechandel(f): 10:07pm On Oct 11, 2014
I only spotted the humour in the post grin



Sha don't give up..
Romantic Naija guys still full ground o tongue

2 Likes

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by folameme(f): 10:53pm On Oct 11, 2014
djeezy:
What a funny post. This is a result of too much movies. After our Naija girls watched titanic, they now expected us to become Jack. Anyway the love they portray in these white movies is too good to be real. I watched one recently ''Endless love''. I was sad for a moment because I have never felt that kind of love before. Then I had to come back to my senses. It's just a movie afterall.
hehehehehe,same here, i watched d film few weeks back and it was jst too Emotional,i stopped half way and went back to ma epic bloody movies lmao,aint got time for those romantic movies that don't happen in real life!give some bloody film where they behead,fight wit swords.......and I'm all game hehehehehehe

4 Likes

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by djeezy(m): 10:57pm On Oct 11, 2014
folameme:
hehehehehe,same here, i watched d film few weeks back and it was jst too Emotional,i stopped half way and went back to ma epic bloody movies lmao,aint got time for those romantic movies that don't happen in real life!give some bloody film where they behead,fight wit swords.......and I'm all game hehehehehehe
hahaha. I'm glad u can relate. I'm sure you like game of thrones. All these love movies bore me.
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by folameme(f): 11:18pm On Oct 11, 2014
djeezy:
hahaha. I'm glad u can relate. I'm sure you like game of thrones. All these love movies bore me.
yep I'm tru wit game of thrones season 4,patiently waiting for the season 5,have u watched Vikings?chai dey behead for that film sha,I'm sooo used to dis epic movies now,that i find it difficult to sit through a romantic movie hehehehehehe

1 Like

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by folameme(f): 11:21pm On Oct 11, 2014
djeezy:
hahaha. I'm glad u can relate. I'm sure you like game of thrones. All these love movies bore me.
Valar morghulis
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by hizson(m): 11:32pm On Oct 11, 2014
I can't read all this stuff..will continue reading it tomorrow and come n comment..
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Nobody: 11:57pm On Oct 11, 2014
Lol, this post is too funny. Naija girls that cries for men to be romantic does not even know what being romantic means.
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by valdes00(m): 12:21am On Oct 12, 2014
Huh... She say Jack die for Kate..... Na Jack MUMU nah.... Dey waste ur tym dere...
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by djeezy(m): 6:34am On Oct 12, 2014
folameme:
yep I'm tru wit game of thrones season 4,patiently waiting for the season 5,have u watched Vikings?chai dey behead for that film sha,I'm sooo used to dis epic movies now,that i find it difficult to sit through a romantic movie hehehehehehe
lol.....Yea I've watched Vikings 1 & 2.
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Oahray: 8:11am On Oct 12, 2014
Lol. Silly thread but funny all the same grin
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Naijasinglegirl: 8:33am On Oct 12, 2014
folameme:
hehehehehe,same here, i watched d film few weeks back and it was jst too Emotional,i stopped half way and went back to ma epic bloody movies lmao,aint got time for those romantic movies that don't happen in real life!give some bloody film where they behead,fight wit swords.......and I'm all game hehehehehehe
lmao. Just look at you
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Tymax(m): 9:16am On Oct 12, 2014
Na jungle romance we get for naija
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by MrsChima(f): 11:07am On Oct 12, 2014
Only niggas complain about romance and they are puzzled why girls are straying afar.

2 Likes 1 Share

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Sarimah(f): 1:04pm On Oct 12, 2014
Lol...romantic guys are everywhere
Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by Spidermon: 1:51pm On Oct 12, 2014
Jack f**ked Kate after painting her ooo. Before I can think of painting a nude chick, we must have done like 9,999 rounds. And why paint when I can just take a picture?

1 Like

Re: Romance In Nigeria Is Impossible (my Experience) by agrovick(m): 2:05pm On Oct 12, 2014
Hilarious

1 Like

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