Akpos and the Chinese man

The following conversation ensued Akpos, an envagelist and a Chinese man:

Evangelist Akpos: How are you?

Chinese Man: I fine.

Evangelist Akpos : Do you know Jesus Christ?

Chinese Man: No. But you give me sample, I make for you.

Akpos, a policeman, stopped a motorist and his friend on the road and after checking his car papers and driver’s licence which were intact, the following conversation ensued:


POLICEMAN AKPOS: If you start feeling sick on the steering, who would drive this car home?

MOTORIST: I don’t intend to fall sick officer, but thank God I have my friend here. if I fall sick, he will drive me home.

POLICEMAN AKPOS: (turns to his friend) Where is your driver’s license?

FRIEND: I don’t have one.

POLICEMAN AKPOS: You are under arrest for intent to drive without a licence!
jokeafrica..com

People Without Gifts
Submitted

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:

1. Bride's relatives

2. Groom's relatives

He entered the groom's door and found two doors again.

1. Ladies

2. Men

He entered the men's door and found two doors again.

1. People with gifts

2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and He found himself outside the hotel.

Perfect Shot


During a golf game, a guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.


Finally, his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

Shameless Old Woman


A windy day, an old lady is standing on a street corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is flying up over her face. An old man across the street sees her and runs over. As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that damn hat with both hands. You ought to be ashamed."


She looked at him and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but this hat is brand new!"
jokeafrica..com

Shollay20:
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Lmao.

The Good son


An old farmer wrote to his son who was in prison "...this year I won't b able to plant potatoes and other things because I can't dig the field, I know if you were here you would have helped me"
The son wrote back, "Dad, don't even think of digging the field do you want to expose me?

That's where I buried the money I stole"
The police read the letter before delivering it to the father, and the next day the whole field was dug by police but nothing was found. The following day the son wrote to his father again, "Now you can plant your potatoes Dad, your farm has been dug for you"

Ages of Women on Their Wedding Day


It's very easy to know the age of a woman on her traditional wedding day...


18-21 years: There will be no dancing. Rather, the bride and her mother will be hugging each other and crying.


22-25 years: Only the bride will be dancing while the mother will sit and watch with wet eyes and forced back tears.


26-30 years: Both mother and daughter will be dancing with all their might and strength.


31-35 years: Daughter, mother and father will be trying to outdo each other on the dancing arena


36 years and above: The father o, mother o, brothers o, sisters o, and the entire extended family will take over the dancing arena...jokeafrica..com

I wanted to use my ATM
card but the machine kept on rejecting the card. A frustrated
me called my bank help line.
Me: (angrily) So what's
wrong with my ATM card.
Call girl : Sir, I have checked your
account, everything
is alright here and You should be
able to use your
card, are you sure your card is
not damaged or broken?
Me: Are you insane? What are
you insinuating? No
one takes good care of their ATM
card like I do.
Call girl: Okay Sir, are you also
sure the surface isn't
wet or stained with dirt?
Me: You dey mad? ATM card
wey I dey pet like egg. As a matter of fact, I even laminated it last week when I laminated my Identity card



jokeafrica..com

Sleeping with a patient


ctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming but every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him, "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Let it go." Invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet!"
jokeafrica..com

Hopeful faint


Akpos fainted in front of Tasty Fried Chicken. People rushed down to him, a Man shouted, "Bring water, bring water".

On hearing this, Akpos quickly got up and said "If na water dey hungry me, I for faint of front of Water Board"..jokeafrica..com

A conversation about coincidence!

The first guy said "when my wife was pregnant she read,the novel: the 2 cities and gave birth 2 twins".

The second guy said, his wife read the 3 musketeers and gave birth 2 triplet.

The third guy stood up and started running heading home when asked why? he then said "my wife is pregnant and she's reading alibaba and the 40 thieves!"
jokeafrica..com

Daughter's Pregnancy


A young girl in her teens got pregnant. Her father was so furious, he asked her who was responsible for the pregnancy and she said told him a rich famous chief. He called the chief over to the house and they sat down to discuss the matter.

FATHER: Chief, i heard you are responsible for my daughter's pregnancy.
CHIEF: You are right, that is true, let me add this, if she gives birth to a male child, I will give you 5 million naira with a furnished flat. If she gives birth to a female child, I will give you 2 million naira and a bungalow. If she gives birth to twins, I will give you 10 million naira with a duplex but if she gets a miscarriage-

FATHER: [interrupts] You will have to sleep with her again!
jokeafrica..com

White House Contract


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the white house, where Barack obama Lives.

The 1st from INDIA, the 2nd from CHINA & the 3rd akpos from Nigeria.They go with White House official to examine the fence.

The Indian takes out a tape & did some measuring, works some figures "Well", he says, "I figure the job will cost $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my teamv& $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese does some measuring & figuring, says,"I can do it for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team & $100 profit for me)".

Akpos did not even measure or figure out anything, but he walks around the White House & whispers "$2,700." The official says, "You didn't even measure how did you come up with such a high figure?" Akpos whispers "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, & $700 to hire the Chinese to do the job."

Free things


Akpos went to a bar to relax his nerves this sunny afternoon. While at the bar Akpos shouted and said to the barman; "Give me a bottle of small stout and give everybody here 2 bottles of big stout let them enjoy because when I drink stout, everybody drinks stout."

The barman obeyed people in the bar started hailing Akpors while sipping on their free drinks.

Akpos ordered again "Barman! Give me a bottle of small stout and give everybody here 2 bottles of big stout let them enjoy because when I drink stout, everybody drinks stout".
Everybody cheered and hailed Akpos louder. After some minutes again Akpors said "barman give me a plate of fish peppersoup and give everybody here two plates of fish peppersoup each, let them eat while I eat". They were so happy and heaped praises on Akpos while they ate and drank.
About an hour later, Akpos beckoned on the Barman and said to him, "Bring me my bill and also give everybody here their bill too because when I pay my bill, everybody will pay their bills too!"
Please help save Akpos who is still lying unconcious at the intensive care unit of Central Hospital in Warri..jokeafrica..com

Not Taking Chances


A man travelled to Jerusalem with his wife and grand mother. When they got there the grand mother died, the man demanded the cost of the burial arrangement. He was told it would cost him just $100 to bury her there, but $10,000 to be taking back home.

Considering the huge price difference, the man still decided to take the body home. When asked why he wants to spend such money the man said "several years ago I learnt that a certain man died here and resurrected after 3 days, I wouldn't want to take that chance cos this woman is so stubborn...jokeafrica..com

The stupid wife


WIFE: If i knew you were this Poor I wouldn't have married you!


AKPOS: What do you think I meant when I said you were the only thing I have in this world?"

Lazy Workers

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

Girls are over imaginative

A boy sends a text

BOY: Hey

GIRL (to herself): OMG..he jst texted me..I wonder what he wants..maybe he just wants to talk..or maybe he's mad at me, but all he said was hey.. I should just answer him, don't want to keep him waiting..well maybe I'll wait another 3 minutes so he thinks I m busy...no, that's too obvious. Could this mean he's into me? Or is he just bored? Either way is fine, I mean I don't care if he likes me back. Who said that I even liked him? Huh...I'm gonna text back now. Should I reply hi or hey. Hey with 3 y's? No that's stupid. 2 y's work. He won't know if I did it on purpose or if it was accidental. Ok! I got this. Breathe in, breathe out.

GIRL: Heyy!!!

BOY: plz mark my attendance at college!!!

The pastor and the two evil brothers


There were two evil brothers who were extremely rich. They went to the same church and on the surface appeared to be good christians.
One of the brothers suddenly died. The remaining brother sort out the pastor and handed him a large donation. He said "I only have one condition, at the funeral you must say my brother was a saint".

The pastor agreed and deposited the cheque.
At the funeral the pastor said "this man was a evil man, he lied, he stole, he cheated people" after going on and on for several minutes, he finally said "BUT compared to his brother, he was a SAINT!"
jokeafrica..com

How to Escape Police

Akpos was being chased by two men for one of his numerous crimes. Akpos ran into d forest and d men followed him.

Akpos got into the forest and climbed a tree. The two men got to the tree where Akpos was and did not know where he ran to. Angrily, one of the men retorted: "This boy has escaped again". His colleague replied: "I know Akpos, if I call his name thrice, he'll answer!

Akpos laughed from d tree and said to d men: "If you like call my name from now till next year I no go answer u, U think say na Akpos of before?"

Respect Thyself


CHUKO: Akpos, why do u keep saying 'Good Morning Sir' to the mirror?


AKPOS: Last night, Ebube told me to respect myself.

At a court hearing, the Judge says, "on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?", "Guilty", said the man in the dock.

At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "you dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "...also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?",

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "you dirty rotten stinking rat!"
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?" He replied "He is my next door neighbour". The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "No, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and both times he said he didn't have one!"

The Armed Robbers

ARMED ROBBERS: We are going to kill everyone here in alphabetical order! You, what's ur name?

OCHUKO: Rev.Ochuko.


AKPOS: ZzzAkpos ZzOghene

Exam Time


uring the exam, Akpos kept looking under the table, then he would write on the answer sheet. His teacher saw him doing that & thought he was copying.? When collecting the paper after the exam..

Teacher: I'm gonna minus 10 marks.

Akpos: Hiiaaa!! Why sir?

Teacher: For copying.

Akpos: How do you know that I was copying?

Teacher: I saw you looking under the table.

Akpos: *laughing* Question 9 said, STUDY THE TABLE BELOW.

Lazy Workers


A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," the foreman announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" the foreman asked the tenth man. "Too much trouble," came the reply.

I only speak english

A professor drove into a petrol station in his sleek state of the art range rover sports.

Professor: guy, abeg, give me full tank.

Fuel Attendant: Sir, I don't speak pidgin, I only speak English

Professor: Ok! good morning, I currently feel a profound desire to replenish the propelling of my motorized automobile. Therefore I cordially request you to transfer from your subterranean reservoir a sufficient quantity of the combustible fluid of the highest octane rating to fill the appropriate receptacle of the said means of perambulation to the brim.

Fuel Attendant: Oga na play I dey play o, how much fuel you wan buy?

Akpos on excursion to Egypt

The students of Warri Grammar School went on excursion to Egypt. On the tomb of Pharaoh was written "1102BC".

The teacher now asked "who knows what this means?" Nobody except Akpos raised his hand but the teacher was not comfortable and pretended not to take notice of him. She then asked again and yet only Akpos' hand was still up.
So she allowed him to answer.
Akpos said "Na Pharaoh BB Pin be that"
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The Good son


An old farmer wrote to his son who was in prison "...this year I won't b able to plant potatoes and other things because I can't dig the field, I know if you were here you would have helped me"

The son wrote back, "Dad, don't even think of digging the field do you want to expose me? That's where I buried the money I stole"

The police read the letter before delivering it to the father, and the next day the whole field was dug by police but nothing was found. The following day the son wrote to his father again, "Now you can plant your potatoes Dad, your farm has been dug for you...[url]jokeafrica..com[/url]

Bad Mood


Akpos sat in a bar and was very moody? Soni goes over and asks:

Akpos, wetin happen?
A very sad looking Akpos replied: I borrow Rukewe N2million to do facial surgery, and now I no fit recognize am to collect my money back.

Citizenship Studies


TEACHER: If a person from Nigeria is a Nigerian, then what's a person from Holland called?..


AKPOS: Hollandia

Wanna Dance?


Two Girls were sitting at a club. One was ugly and the other one was beautiful. Akpos walked straight to the ugly girl.

Akpos: Hi!

Girl: Hi!!

Akpos: Wanna dance?

Girl: Yes (excited)

Akpos: Ok, go and dance, I wanna talk to your friend.