There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone
for marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the
excitement and nuance of a budding relationship and in the
process completely forget to ask the critical questions that help
determine compatibility. One of the biggest mistakes that many
young Muslims make is rushing into marriage without properly and
thoroughly getting to know someone. A common myth is that the duration
of a courtship is an accurate enough measure of how compatible two
people are. The logic follows that the longer you speak with someone, the
better you will know them. The problem with that premise is that no
consideration is given to how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim
couples are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with
each other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going
out to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure
activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are either
minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised. When you
consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly, if ever at all,
would the critical conversations take place? Unfortunately, for many, the
answer is never and they live to suffer the consequences. If you or
someone you know is in the “getting to know someone” phase, the
following guide offers advice on exactly what to look for and avoid:
1) Do Not Marry Potential: Oftentimes men consider marrying a woman
hoping she never changes while a woman considers marrying a man she
hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on both accounts.
Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re married to them or
that they will reach their potential. There is no guarantee, after all, that
those changes will be for the better. In fact, it’s often for the worse. If you
can’t accept someone or imagine living with them as they are then don’t
marry them. These differences can include a number of things such as
ideological or practical differences in religion, habits, hygiene,
communication skills, etc.
2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry and attraction are no
doubt important, character precedes them both. A famous quote follows,
“Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps it burning.” The idea of
falling “in love” should never be the sole reason for marrying someone; it is
very easy to confuse infatuation and lust for love. The most important
character traits to look for include humility, kindness, responsibility, &
happiness. Here’s a breakdown of each trait:
•Humility: The humble person never makes demands of people but rather
always does right by them. They put their values and principles above
convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are modest, and avoid
materialism.
•Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential giver. They seek to please
and minimize the pain of others. To know if a person is a giver, observe
how they treat their family, siblings, and parents. Do they have gratitude
towards their parents for all that they’ve done for them? If not, then know
that they will never appreciate what you do for them. How do they treat
people they don’t have to be kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates,
employees, etc)? How do they spend their money? How do they deal with
anger; their own anger and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
•Responsibility: A responsible person has stability in their finances,
relationships, job, and character. You can you rely on this person and trust
what they say.
•Happiness: A happy person is content with their portion in life. They feel
good about themselves and good about their life. They focus on what they
have rather than on what they don’t have. They very rarely complain.
3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner: Both men and
women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership to be
successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental emotional
need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional need of a
man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel loved give
her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, & Appreciation. To make a man
feel loved give him the three RRRs: Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the
obligation of each partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends
to intimacy as well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional
needs of the other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes
seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged to
fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously the
emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give her
the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working together
in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can either grow together or
grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life will increase the chance that
you will grow together.
•You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they
ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this
passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?
•The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your beliefs,
your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life partner, your
soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
•Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first
figure out your destination.
5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:
•Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us to
refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great harms as
well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a relationship
between a man and a woman.
•Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship gets
physical before its time, important issues like character, life philosophy, and
compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently, everything is romanticized
and it becomes difficult to even remember the important issues let alone
talk about them.
•Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual
commitment.
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you
must answer YES to:
•Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and
admire about this person?
•Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do
I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
•Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be
vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
•Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating until you
know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t feel safe now,
you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t trust now, this
won’t change when you are married!
7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing someone you
don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a long-lasting and
loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the foundation of a strong and
healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe, you can’t express your feelings
and opinions. Learn how to identify whether you are in an abusive
relationship. If you feel you always have to monitor what you say, if you
are with someone and you feel you can’t really express yourself and are
always walking on eggshells, then it’s very likely you are in an abusive
relationship. Look for the following things:
•Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the way you act, the way
you think, the way you dress, the way you wear your hair/hijab and the way
you spend your time. Know the difference between suggestions and
demands. Demands are an expression of control and if the demands are
implied, than you must do it or there will be consequences. All of these are
clear indications of abusive personalities.
•Anger issues: This is someone who raises their voice on a regular basis,
who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger against you, uses put downs,
and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to put up with this type of
treatment. Many people who tolerate this behavior usually come from
abusive backgrounds. If this is the case with you or someone you know,
get help right away. Deal with those issues before getting married or before
even thinking about getting married.
Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner: Many couples make the
mistake of not putting everything on the table for discussion from the
onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to be absolutely certain I
want to marry this person?” “What bothers me about this person or the
relationship?” It’s very important to identify what’s bothering you, things
that concern you, and things you are afraid to bring up for discussion. Then
you must have an honest discussion about them. This is a great way to
test the strength of your relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s
conflict is a great opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate,
negotiate, and work together as a team. When people get into power
struggles and blame each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a
team. Also important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep
questions of each other and see how your partner responds. How do they
handle it? Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do
they get annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or
rationalize it? Don’t just listen to what they say but watch for how they
say it!
9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to
remember no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many people make
the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and make their life
better and that’s their reason for getting married. People fail to realize that
if they are unhappy as a single person, they will continue to be miserable
when they are married. If you are currently not happy with yourself, don’t
like yourself, don’t like the direction your life is going now, it’s important to
take responsibility for that now and work on improving those areas of your
life before considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your
marriage and hope your partner will fix them.
10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your
Potential Partner: Many people choose partners that are not emotionally
healthy or available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to
balance the emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having
3 (or more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a
man is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the
marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to consider
are the following:
•Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people who
don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be emotionally
available. They are always preoccupied with their deficiencies, insecurities,
and negative thoughts. They are in a perpetual fight with depression, never
feel good, are isolated, are critical and judgmental; tend to not have any
close friends, and often distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear
indication about them is they always feel their needs are not getting met;
they have a sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people
should take care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other
people’s needs and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be
emotionally available to build healthy relationships.
•Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner to build a
strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict. Addictions are not
limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about addictions and
dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping, money, power,
status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction, they will not and
can not be emotionally available to develop an intimate relationship with
you!
Additional Points to Consider:
1.The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person we
marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone we
love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall essence.
2.Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly
for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is clearly in
front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill of others, is rude
to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of this mean about their
character?”
3.Never separate someone from their family, background, education, belief
system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask questions like,
“What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What are your
expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the house?”
Compare your definition with theirs.
4.Be flexible. Be open-minded!
5.Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom. It
should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy
because of your connection with them.
6.Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define someone in
addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright and spiritual
person will stand by your side during adversity and hardship. If someone
isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves into account with God
then why should you expect them to fulfill their rights owed to you? The
ideal partner is someone who considers giving a gain and not causing a
loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual relationship will foster a
successful marriage. Furthermore, a successful marriage is one that keeps
the laws of family purity which require a certain degree of self-control and
self-discipline, as well as the belief that the physical side of the
relationship includes the spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding
commonality and balance between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a
relationship is a strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.~N.H & H.M

Choi. That's a lot and insightful

Op,

Are you married?

see as the OP take use small thing spoil am. I shouldn't knack kpekus before marriage abi? I dey come maa go undo all the former ones wey I don do

Insightful!
Great points indeed...

Sharksblow:
see as the OP take use small thing spoil am. I shouldn't knack kpekus before marriage abi? I dey come maa go undo all the former ones wey I don do

Obviously you can't UNDO your past doings! but you can make right your FUTURE doings!!!
Bro, PURITY brings blessing!!
that's just it!!!

Very informative!..tanx @ op..

Nice advice..for people for fall in my group..#teamSingle

MoyoGENERAL:


Obviously you can't UNDO your past doings! but you can make right your FUTURE doings!!!
Bro, PURITY brings blessing!!
that's just it!!!

OK sir... just that some of dem fit dey cheat you for back

My brother what can I say? Lame! Don't you know that at some point in our lives we often believe that we have made a mistake/wrong decision/choice.

op you wrote this by yourself?

It is very imperative that you test the package before buying it.

naijaboiy:

a space booker booking a booked space.. This getting intersting.. Or do you want to buy land?

no sex before marriage. girls be commenting op u r right and guys be commenting op u dey jones?

Naturally,am a supporter of "as d lord leads"
Bt I will kip note of dis

front page things .

Na only God know the right and wrong person.






Don't stress yourself but pray always.

Godly write up.

I pray God rewards my effort towards this..

Insightful

Slonge2:
It is very imperative that you test the package before buying it.

Bro it doesn't work that way ooo!

How many package will you now test until you find the right one?

You see, aside from the fact that certain measures need to be taken to ensure you settle for the right person, the fact also remains that marriage requires a GREAT LEAP of FAITH to completely TRUST your Choices and allow GOD to Make things Work OUT for you!!

@op, nice write up. Solid points, well elaborated and very insightful.