I was to resume work at Maestro Registrars on Monday, and I was very drunk on Sunday Night. I was to resume work on Monday morning, and I had lost my wallet on Sunday night. I was to resume work on Monday morning and all my clothes were dirty; and smelt like skunk also.



“oboy borrow me shirt wey I go take go work tomorrow, when I come next time, I go bring your shirt” I told Chima.

“guy you sure say my clothe go size you?” he asked.

“e go enter me na, you no see say I don dey fat?” I said that with an Alcoholic voice; and brain too.


“Flow this one wey you don lost your wallet, how you go take go work tomorrow na?” Onye Nku asked.

“I go trek na” I responded.

“what!! You go trek from barracks reach Iganmu? Abi no be Iganmu the company dey?” Chidi asked.

“na Iganmu na, I fit trek am na, na small thing”

If trekking was sin, i could be called John "sinner". If trekking was crime, i would be a popular face on "crime fighter" weekly. I sometime wished i was alive in the days of Moses in the Bible, i would had been his Minister of Trekking.


“you go just die, you no fit jor!!” Godwin said.

“die for wetin? You know the kin far place wey I don trek reach before?”




I remember trekking from Cele bus stop to Mile 2, and from Mile 2 to Barracks since our Office was locked because Kel had closed for the day.

My way from Cele Bus stop to mile 2 almost saw me fainting, as inasmuch as I applied “the three trekking” Laws as postulated by Chima and Chidi, I still felt like the Sun was directly opposite my head, and that i also walked bare foot.



The three trekking laws states thus:

Law 1: When Mr Flow and Mr Flow1759 are trekking on a long journey of say two miles for instance, the conversation between the both of them should follow such:

Flow: “Guy, Eze go dey for him shop abi?”

Flow1759: “him go dey na, I don call am, him say him dey wait for us for shop”

Flow: “shebi na him shop be that? We don near na”, Saying this with so loud a voice in other for the occupants of vehicles in the usual Lagos traffic to think since Eze’s shop was a stone throw away, what Mr Flow and Mr Flow1759 was doing wasn’t a trek but a little walk.


I took time to explain the laws to a friend I met on my way trekking by the name Kola who stayed in Ijesha, we both applied the law that lasted till Kola left me at Ijesha bus stop. It really worked, I must say, as Kola’s loud voice made the occupants of the vehicles in Traffic to believe we were only but taking a little “crow fly” walk to the shop of an imaginary guy named Ade. Or so i thought.



Law 2: When just Mr Flow is trekking, He should never ever bring out his tongue to wet his lips; even if the season was Hamatan. Whoever failed this law has shown to passers by or commuters that he/she is hungry.

Talking of a “she” trekking, Ladies trek too you know.

I will never forget seeing three ladies trekking from Alakija via old Ojo road, and as I got to Barracks bus stop, I saw the same three ladies still trekking and gossiping, maybe they where either heading to Iyana Iba or Benin Republic. Or maybe they were ghosts.









Law 3: Never you buy "pure water" on your way trekking, never!!! Even it be pure water for drinking, for washing your face, or for washing your shoes.


And, lemme add to the Laws as postulated by the Ejimas, never you look at your shoes for once while trekking, if you do, it will break you heart. Just take it that you are a dust seller.





“oga trekker, you no go comot for road?” a bus conductor yelled.

“mumu!! I no dey trek, I just dey exercise myself”

“shey you no know where national stadium dey wey you go go do exercise?” The butt faced conductor said, and all the passengers laughed hard.







I had trekked to Abule Ado bus stop wishing Home would come meet me there, when I heard: “Peter!!! Why are you trekking, come lemme lap you” I was sure it was a feminine voice.

That "come and lemme lap u"got me cracking.

That "come and lemme lap u"got me cracking. Mr flow you are a genius.

Oga flow, i don dy follow u frm the days of barack boy, man wey dey reason and ibo boy wey like yoruba. How dem brainbox,ilorin, pkc, mog, ilya du neked wire, L101, madam ify, angom and the rest. Greet them for me oh. STILL I FOLLOW

valicious1:

You are so ugly and disgusting with your short hands! Your entire being is just so repulsive. Pls kindly remove that dirty picture from your profile! God forbid!

... I just saw these,buh if I am disgusting,yhu had 2 read all I wrote down to knw.kai am sorry bro abi dude which one sef? U simply can't deprieve me of ma fundalmental human right n d pix shit was ma yr1 pix @ least I cute pass ya sisters n gf

I don't even know why you looked up to my profile,its not for you *yimu*

I do not want to trade words wiv u mbok,I don't knw u from Adam n I wish nt to buh concerning ya pix Nigeria army and immigrations r recruiting.tnx u n Jah bless

......i laugh sotey,pple are giving d look of 'are you sure you are alright'
Flow is born to put smile on pples faces and take away their sorrow

I wish i had money,i wld sign a collabo contract with flow to produce this series as a tv show.am still looking forward to it though.

IHate9ja1:
......i laugh sotey,pple are giving d look of 'are you sure you are alright'
Flow is born to put smile on pples faces and take away their sorrow

I wish i had money,i wld sign a collabo contract with flow to produce this series as a tv show.am still looking forward to it though.

I look forward to myself

Spongia1:
Oga flow, i don dy follow u frm the days of barack boy, man wey dey reason and ibo boy wey like yoruba. How dem brainbox,ilorin, pkc, mog, ilya du neked wire, L101, madam ify, angom and the rest. Greet them for me oh. STILL I FOLLOW

Pkc is in Owerri working for God, Man is in Okopoly Studying Mechanical Engineering, Ilorin is in Ilorin teaching in a secondary school, Angom is in Benue state selling Yam as a dealer.

“omoh, this shirt big for me well well” I told myself as I walked pass the Cantonment gate by 6:30am on Monday.


I thought of trekking all the way to Iganmu the night before, so I thought it right to do what my friend Segun call “Bambi alla”. I bambi allized myself the night before begging my cousin, my mum, and My brother that returned for holiday just that night.

I got the amount I requested for, less of 100 naira.


“Flow, this one wey you dress like this, where you dey go?” Sir White on duty asked.

“I dey go government house, Governor say him wan see me”

“na your type dey go Government house?”

“yes na?”








Soon I boarded a Coaster bus headed to Mile 2.


“Madam shift na?” I was practically hanging on the air.

“madam shift for am na?” said a conductor that looked modest to me, at least unlike other conductors I had seen.

“where you see space wey I go shift go?” The obviously Yoruba Woman said.

“Madam abeg shift for am jor!!” One passenger said.

“e concern you? You no go mind your business?”

“Madam no be your Palour be this na” Another Passenger added.

“Madam you no go shift abi?” I was beginning to regret why I boarded Coaster and not the normal small bus.







Small bus, big bus or very big bus a.k.a Molue, trouble will still find you as far as Lagos was concerned.




I will never forget the day Trouble found me in a small bus.



I was to alight at Mile 2 bus stop, that wasn’t a problem, the problem was for the Bus driver to stop properly for me and other passengers to alight.



“oya oh!! Gbogbo ero!! Na Mile 2 be this oh!! Make una come down!!” the Driver ordered.


I was the closest to the door, that wasn’t a problem also.


“oga!! Come down na!!” the man behind me said.

“wait na, make driver stop well na”

“I no go stop oh, Agbero dey come, make una dey jump down oh!” Driver yelled.

“oboy jump down na, motor no dey speed!!” A guy that was really in a haste to go down said.

“you go down now!! You no see say Bus still dey move?” I beckoned.

“I no go stop kpata kapata oh!!” The driver kept saying.

“wait make I go down jor” I gave way for him.


Before I knew it the guy was down, I noticed he came down as skillfully as a conductor would; taking a three step run forward to gain balance.


***none Lagosians can’t understand this, but if you are a Lagosian and you still don’t understand, then permit me to say; “you be Mumu for Lagos”***



“you!! Go down na!!” A woman behind me yelled. At that moment I had forgotten the Conductor was with my balance and that he was nowhere to be found.


“abeg shift make I come down if you no wan come down” The woman said.



For a woman to do what I was a bit scared of doing for the sake of the effect of my action on the sole of a just acquired shoe was indeed a shameful thing, so I decided I would go before the woman.



I jumped down and took the legendary three steps run. And……………..










As I took more three steps walking, I noticed that my right foot was limping a bit, but I ignored it, and kept moving looking for the conductor like every other passenger he held balance.





We painstakingly located the conductor and i collected my change that was short of 20naira.


“oboy see your sole for back oh!!” A guy behind me said.


I almost laughed at such a person that was walking faster than his/her sole.


“oboy! Na you I dey talk, your sole dey for back” He tapped me.






That I had lost my sole wasn’t only what made me almost cried. As I turned to go pick it up, I saw that a bus had parked on it, with its Tyre disfiguring it. My sole had suddenly turned Amoeba. Out of shame, I turned and continued walking like nothing happened.


“you go leave your sole go?” The same sabi-sabi guy said.

“you be sabi-sabi oh! I no wan pick am na, I dash you”

“I no need your Kole- Kole sole abeg”




***A Kole-Kole is a Scavenger ***

“na your papa be Kole-Kole!!” I regreted that curse.


To cut the long story short, I lost my sole and five buttons of the expensive TM shirt I wore. If that was the only pains my TM shirt suffered, It would had been revived by my Tailor Soro. The TM shirt also drank few drops of blood.








“oboy no mind the madam, come sidon here” The conductor offered me a seat close to where he stood.







I alighted the bus happy that the conductor forgot to collect transport fare from me, little did I know that I had lost another shirt. A shirt I borrowed.

Nice one. Writing true life stories always makes the reader feel as though he/she is really part of it. Thumbs up man and don't let this be your last story

flow1759:



Pkc is in Owerri working for God, Man is in Okopoly Studying Mechanical Engineering, Ilorin is in Ilorin teaching in a secondary school, Angom is in Benue state selling Yam as a dealer.

waistaa:
I don't even know why you looked up to my profile,its not for you *yimu*

sister abeg u dey gym?
Those ur muscle dey fear person ooo... The guy was intimidated na why him talk
meself dey intimidated

Mayorblaze:


sister abeg u dey gym?
Those ur muscle dey fear person ooo... The guy was intimidated na why him talk
meself dey intimidated

lols bros abeg o,I dnt gym.I guess its d way I positioned ma arms*aka mothering sunday*

FLOW 1759 kudos...permition to be greedy.abeg d updates don dey drop,give am small belle na,abeg

This flow no go kill person with laughter

Your wife go try cause na every day laugh house

Hope there will be update tomorrow Sunday as the first day of new month


Keep the good work going brother


And keep Nigeria laughing till 2090

waistaa:
lols bros abeg o,I dnt gym.I guess its d way I positioned ma arms*aka mothering sunday*

ok... Case dismissed

flow you know my name is OLIVER TWIST... anyway ure twogbaski

Happy new month

And happy Sunday to everybody

Flow update for me before my club start ball

Up chelsea

So I Finally Meet Up wit Dhiz story!! Chai!!

Flow1759 Ur Church I.T centre na Dada street wey dey Papa Ajao, Mushin, Lagos ??

Slimzjoe:
So I Finally Meet Up wit Dhiz story!! Chai!!

Flow1759 Ur Church I.T centre na Dada street wey dey Papa Ajao, Mushin, Lagos ??

Wrong

flow1759:



Wrong

Pheew!!

But Hw many Dada street dey Mushin??

Flow update now


So you can reply people but you can't update

Flow you too much, carry go.

seuncyber:
Flow update now


So you can reply people but you can't update

Mr seuncyber i will, i am busy. Remember it is always worth the wait.

seuncyber:
Flow update now


So you can reply people but you can't update

ok.

flow1759:


Mr seuncyber i will, i am busy. Remember it is always worth the wait.

I will surely wait

You be boss

Berger has no chose

seuncyber:


I will surely wait

You be boss

Berger has no chose

Thank you!!! I am working on it.

“guy where you dey go?” I turned and saw it was James.


“I dey go s’hit for bush” I answered with a hand shake. A handshake with a hand soiled with poo.


My both hands smelt not like an A’boki perfume but like poo. I had mistakenly used my hand on my butt, since the leaves I used were so handful that they fell of leaving just my hand to do the cleaning. Don’t you have tissue paper in your house? You would ask. Since my Mum was the head teacher of a primary school, we had millions of tissue papers in our toilet, but I detested using them. Why? You would also ask.

The answer is simple and short; My a’ss still smelt regardless. Water cleans better, at least, our fore fathers can attest to that.





I will never forget, cleaning my a’ss hole with water and Tetmosol soap after pooing. Throughout that day, I took the World Wide Waka(WWW) as my choice walking step.


When one is World wide wakaing, he/she is walking like he/she has elephantiasis of the s’crotum. Of a truth, I have never seen any lady world wide wakaing since Kel.




I had s’ex with Kel one hot afternoon that she begged for me to free her, that she wasn’t herself anymore. My "magic stick" gave her bow-legs garnished with K-legs. And it was the same Kel that told her friends that I was an “Okuko”; and that I released without even inserting not to talk of reaching my peak. It was the same Kel that told her friends my “thing” was as small as her finger. Yet it was the same Kel that told her friends my "round one" was 20 seconds, my round two was 5 seconds, and my round three was half a second.


Okuko means Fowl. Or better still, Roster.









I was rushing home to go wash my hands, but the running stomach refused me, so I turned back to go continue from where I stopped, before I met James.


“this one wey you dey sweat like this, you go jog?” I asked him.

“no oh, I go clear farm for my mama”

He, rather than wiping of the sweat on his face with his shirt or something, he wiped it with the hand I shook.

I was like: “this one don clean him face with s’hit”



“guy na you even sweat pass me sef” He said.

Me too wiped the sweat on my face with my hand, and ate poo also. No, mine wasn’t that I ate, I licked poo, because my tongue was out searching for what only God knows.





“guy my belle don dey disturb me, make I run enter bush”

“hahahahahah!! Oboy wetin you chop wey dey disturb your belle?”

“na beans oh!!!” The poo had already found its way out.

“hahahahahaha!!! who cook beans give you?”

“na them my friends oh!!!”




I had just returned from Iba estate where I went to see the Ejima’s and co. who served me Beans and improperly fermented palm wine.



The Beans was delicious I must say; it had in it, Fish, Tomatoes, Plantain, and maybe Sugar because it was too sweet, or so I thought. In fact, it was the most delicious beans I had ever eaten since Bitter leaf beans.








My friend Nnamdi was studying Nutrition and dietetics in school; he loved his Course of study so much that he tried so many culinary practical on no other than his hostel mates, of which Flow was amongst.



Nnamdi cooked not by 8pm, not by 9pm, not by 10pm, his cooking ranges from 11pm to 1am, and sometimes he might end cooking by 3am.


I will never forget the day I woke up my about 12:35am to go ease myself in our general toilet. As I walked pass the very dark passage without any form of light in hand, my mind escaped the fact that there was a guy known as Night Cooker (NC), and sometimes I added “E” to the acronym to make it (NCE): Night Cooker Extraordinaire.




As I walked hurriedly in the dark passage, I felt a little drop of pee was about coming out so I increased my steps. As I got to Nnamdi’s passage where his mini kitchen and utensils shelve were located, I heard: “stop!! Where are you hurrying to?” I first thought it was either the voice of a Ghost or an Angel, but as I heard: “Flow!! Where you dey run go?” I thought otherwise as a Ghost or an Angel can never speak pidgin English, and a Ghost or an Angel can never call me by my nickname Flow, so I concluded it should be a Demon.


“get behind me you Demon!!” I almost yelled.

“hahahahahahahah!!” he laughed, and I confirmed my fright that such was the laughter of a Demon.

It was like I was sleep walking, but as I had the sound of my thundering fart, I confirmed I wasn’t.

“who are you?” I asked.

“I am your friend!!” He answered.

“Demon!! You can never be my friend!!”

“hahahahahahahahahah” He laughed.

“what is funny? Why are you laughing”


He continued laughing and before i made a choice of either to run back to my room or run into the toilet and lock myself there, I heard; “Kpooooooooooooom!!!!”





I was blind.

And baptized also.

“yeeaaaaaaaaaa!!! I do die oh, make una help me ooooooooooooh!!!!” I cried with a loud voice.


I woke not only the tenants of my Hostel alone, but the tenants of two neighbouring hostels due to the fear that the Men on Black where around again.





What Nnamdi landed on my head was his big pot that contained little water.











The day Nnamdi served us Beans garnished with Bitter leaf, we all slept like he mixed the Bitter leaf with M’arijuana. My opposite Neighbour Stephen slept under the staircase; and that was the day the Men on Black visited.



They used Stephen as a decoy to robbing every room in the Hostel. The Bitter leaf so much affected his brain that he brought them to my room twice.


“Oga robber!! You don rob this room before oh” I cried out as he brought one of them to my room for the second time.

“yes oh, Mr arm Robber, you don rob us, na our place you thief Black berry and that Nokia touch” My room mate supported.

“you were here sir” I knew not what I spoke.

“me!! I were here?” He asked.

“yes na!! you were here, na you na!!” My room mate was looking at an armed robber with a gun eyeball to eyeball.






The gun the armed robber held was nothing but a Toy gun, if not, he would had shut my room mate dead.









Since that day in July, my roommate started using glasses up until late November due to the countless number of slaps he received from that particular armed robber.

Flow u too much.... Definitely worth the wait...

I laff sote water comot from my eyes

respect boss....

Mayorblaze:
Flow u too much.... Definitely worth the wait...

I laff sote water comot from my eyes

respect boss....

Took the words out of my mouth. You are the boss, Flow
Still I flow.

Chikabel:


Took the words out of my mouth. You are the boss, Flow
Still I flow.

nobody does it like flow...

I respect him alot

Mayorblaze:


nobody does it like flow...

I respect him alot

Thanks alot