Omo mehn! Second to last update was so funny gan ni. Thanks for the painkiller.

Mr Ayodele, Akindele and Mr Dele were all the Deles we had in Maestro. And as funny as it sounds, they were in the same department.


Mr Ayodele and Akindele were just friends to me, while Mr. Dele was more than a friend.

Mr Dele had by the day became a pain in my a’ss.




“Peter!! You go to Ojuelegba, buy me beans and bread from that my customer, and on your way back, pay this money into my son's bank account” Such a bad omen on a Monday morning.


“ok sir, your wish is my command!” Indeed his wish was my command, because it wasn’t for me to go buy him food in the staff canteen, and because his daughter was beautiful.



His daughter's beauty reminded me that black is indeed beautiful, and that “the blacker the berry, the sweeter the juice”

Every part of her body was sweet indeed, even her laps.


I will never forget the day I saw her River Niger and River Benue, and where they met in Lokoja.





She came to her Dad’s office at about 5pm one evening putting on a very hot mini skirt, and after her Dad had introduced her to everyone in his department, she sat waiting for him to round of for them to go home together, little did she know she left the door ajar.




I walked into Mr Dele’s office with the food I had bought for him; and that was the day I was suppose to tell him my mind; that I will stop going to buy him food in the canteen.



Even though I had promised severally to speak my mind, my liver failed me all the time, but that day I promised to speak my mind come what may.


“sir, here is the food!!” I kept it on his table, and for the first time since I started work at Maestro, I saw Mr. Oladele Olaoye at a corner of his table.

“ok, that’s my boy!!” He praised.






“this is my daughter I told you about!!” He introduced her daughter to Akindele. That introduction was done not in English, but in Yoruba.


I wondered why the lingua franca in the company had been accepted as Yoruba. Was it because 70% of the people that worked there was Yoruba? Was it because the MD/CEO of the company was from Ibadan?


“Your daughter is fine oh!!” Akindele spoke in Yoruba too.

If I couldn’t speak it, I could hear at least.


“seat on that seat!!” Something told me, so I sat on a seat directly opposite Mr. Dele's Daughter.


Immediately I sat down, I saw something.


I saw a fresh River Niger and a fresher river Benue, therefore, creating a huge Kainji Dam in me.

“wetin be this!!!” I asked myself.

“see laps on!!!”

“why this babe open her legs like this, abi na because she see me sidon for here!!”

“abi she wan collect fresh air!!”


With two standing unit A/C, you will agree with me that there was no better place to get fresh air other than Mr Dele’s office.


My bros respected not itself, it stood at attention. At quick succession, I crossed my legs.


As it was against the work ethics for a "bros" to stand erect for everyone to see, I took my eyes of both Rivers in other for my Kainji Dam to come down.

It came down indeed. It came down and pointed straight like a Driller.

A driller it was indeed, as I felt it drilled a hole through my boxers.




“Peter!! You are needed in the office now!!”

“me?” I asked.

“no me!!”

“abeg come clear yesterday parcels jor!”

“I dey come!”

“come now jor”

“I am coming!”

C’umming I was indeed.

Everywhere I looked at, I saw her pure white p’ant, even on her father’s shoulder.


“oga Dele see p’ant for your shoulder!” I thought I was speaking to myself.

“p’ant!!”


“no sir, ant!!” I saved myself by the bell.

“where is it?”

“see it here!” I killed an imaginary ant on his shoulder.


I had forgotten a mightier ant stood in between my legs.


Legend has it that when one’s bros is at attention, the elixir to call it to order was to sing Gospel songs.

So I began to sing Gospel songs by Frank Edwards, yet nothing happened.





“I thought Sola said you should come to the office to do something?” Mr Akindele queried.

“yes,I heard him,I will soon go” only in one condition, and that was if my bros gave me some respect.


“Peter!!” I heard Sola called.


“I dey come Sola!!” I managed to stand up, and I heard “praaaaaaaaaa!!” I thought my bros was out.

“Soro don do me bad oh! So this trousers don tear again!!” I cursed.



Soro had sewn that trouser three times in the same area that year. I will never forget patch-patch boxers.






“I no know why my boxers dey always tear oh” I told Soro one Saturday I went to him to amend my shirt.


“why you dey complain na, I dey patch boxers well, you no know?”

“Soro abeg make you no dey talk that kin thing, you don see where them dey sew boxers before?”

“I dey tell you wetin I dey do well well!”

“nothing wey I no fit sew, even your p’rick!!”



As he made that statement, I took a quick flash back to the previous day that ants found their way to my p’rick while I stood as an usher in Church.


“Onye n’me mma……………… e mena, e mena……..e mena, emena………. e mena, e mena ……………….. e mena ooooooooooh!! Eze ebube emena oh oh oh!!!” I was dancing Reggae.


I thanked my stars Praise was on.


Red Indian dance soon changed to Makaso, Makosa soon changed to Galala, Galala soon changed to Oghene. Some members thought i was either mad or in the spirit. Or both.









On our way home after service.

“Na head Usher cause all this thing, I tell am say ant dey that place wey Gen dey, him still say make I go pour fuel for Gen”

“now see wetin him don cause to my p’rick?”






“wetin him cause to your pr’ick, make I see am!” Blessing longed.

IHate9ja1:
.......feeling the nigga ehhhh
Write am for me ehhhh *in dbanj's voice*
I gbadun u flow,keep d flag flying
Lv u

Much Love

Melancholy:
Omo mehn! Second to last update was so funny gan ni. Thanks for the painkiller.

More painkillers coming soon

To all those that have read and commented, and all those who read and don't comment................... I love you.

Bro, you are gifted ..... Keep it flowing

If i no comment mah hear wetin cause am...

Oga flow we love you too

moreover you are highly talented....

Mods please take this to front page....

Ishilove shebi u remember that ur small romance with oga flow for MAN WEY DEY REASON.. Oya use yah love for flow carry this enter frontpage

weldone Flow

August 12 2014……………………………. The day I ate Beans and performed wonders.




I had been eating Beans on the basis of “chop no pay”, nothing had happening, but that day.

I had been drinking “Agbo Jedi” severally, nothing had happened, but that day.




Sola had introduced Agbo jedi to me since I started complaining of waist pain all thanks to Ife.



Ife had adopted a new sex p’osition: “gumming body” I call it.

The position entails penetrating fully and taking it out fully also. My problem wasn’t taking it out fully, but pushing it back fully; I sometimes missed my aiming point. It really affected my waist and drained my brain too.




Since Sola introduced me to the woman that sold local elixir, I had not only become her regular customer, I had become her best friend. She sometimes called me “my pikin wife”, and mehn!! You need to see this her pikin, ugliness built a castle in her.



I drank the elixir first thing every morning for 3 weeks, yet the waist pain persisted.




So, on that day…………………………. It was a sunny afternoon, and I had drank Agbo Jedi at about 7:45am.

And Beans, I ate it at lunch time.

It was indeed a very delicious Beans, i must say.



I had been throwing farts at intervals of 2 minutes. But there was one particular fart; a watery fart, that took so great a momentum out of my bowel.


I had wanted to apply a principle Segun called “back to sender” Principle.


“Flow!! Anytime you dey with girl and hot mess dey catch you, swallow spit, e go go” He advised.

“ehen!! you don try am?” I asked.

“yes na, i don try am, I dey call am – back to sender” he answered.






Back to sender principle had worked for me severally, like when I sat very very close to Mr. Wole my Boss, and when I carried Mrs Gladys Akeju and her friends in her car and the glass were wound up because the A/c was on. In the case of the Former, I succeeded in sending few farts back without the repercussion, but as for the latter, I sent enough farts back to the sender that I saw myself growing fatter.









I tried sending this particular fart back but failed woefully. It was Boko Haram in nature.


“mehn, I don s’hit for body!!!”





My walking step changed as I tried to locate the toilet.



The distance form my office to the toilet was as far as from Sokoto to Lagos.


“Flow!! Why you dey waka like this na?” I met Wande on my way to the Toilet.

“I get boil”

“ehen!! Which kin boil?” He asked a rather s’tupid question.

“boil dey get type?”

“you no know?”


“ehnnnnnnnnnn! I don forget the other type oooooh! But I know say e get one wey dem dey call Papa bomboy” He replied.





“guy!!! Hope say no be toilet you dey go?”

“na there I dey go na, my belle no good” he answered.

“you say wetin?”


“I say I wan go s’hit!!!!”




“bros abeg no vex, make I s’hit before you” I pleaded.

"why you go s'hit before me, i no first you come?"

“hahahahahahahaha!! So na s'hit dey worry you wey you dey lie say na boil dey do you?”

“yes oooooh!!!!! na boil and s’hit dey catch me oh!!” I had my stomach rumbled.


“na lie, I no go gree, I first you come, you go wait after I s’hit, you go enter go s’hit your own!!” that was inconsiderate of him.


“abeg na!!” I pleaded, yet he pushed me out of his way and rushed in. That was the moment I heard another fart came out raining on my boxers.

“I don die today!!!”



“God abeg!! If I survive today, I go repent, I no go dey do bad thing again!!”

“Lord pls!! Forgive me my sin, I will never sin again, don’t let me die today!!” I already saw my stomach exploding as there was a great wrestling in it.

“wetin I go do now?” abi make I go upstairs go use Accounting department toilet?”

“but before I go waka reach that place, the s’hit go don pour comot!”

"abi make i do press up?"

“abi make I s’hit for here wey dem dey piss? I suggested to myself to p'oo on the p'ee basin.

“no try am oh, no go disgrace yourself oh!!” Something in me told me.




“Wande abeg na!!” I pleaded.





“but why this people no build two toilet for this floor na?” All floors of the three storey building had a toilet each; one for Male and one for Female.

“why you no use the Female toilet na? Knock whether anybody dey there?” Someone whispered to my ears.

“who talk that thing?” I turned to see no one but my shadow.


“that ghost wey tell me that thing dey think well!! na wetin i go do be that” I told myself.



“Flow!! Who you dey talk to?” I heard Wande asked.

“na your Papa I dey talk to?”

“my Papa don die!! If you dey talk to am, that mean say you don die be that!! Hahahahahaha!!”


“guy shebi I dey beg you for something, you no gree, you go beg me for something oh, that time, I go show you say I wicked”.

“ehnnnnn! Show me na?”

“ok, you go see!!” I felt water fell.

I saw it fall to the ground as I struggled to open the door of the Ladies.


“is anybody there?” I formed a female voice.








I sat on the Luxury leather seat for close to Forty minutes.

“Flow you never still s’hit finish?” I heard Wande flushed.

“e no go better for you, shebi na you carry me go eat Beans?!” I cursed.

“e no go better for you too!! Hahahahahahahahaha!!” he laughed out.



As I stood up to wipe my a’ss, what I saw scared me.

I thought I heard delivered a bouncing baby boy as I saw that my p’oo had all the body parts.





I flushed and flushed yet the liquid that stayed remained contaminated unlike how I met it.










All of a sudden……………………………….




A knock at the door.


“who is there?”

“I don die, how I go do this s'hit make e go eeh!!?” The flush water reminded me of the gutter I fell into in Mushin while I was still a delivery man.






Air freshener was of no use because my p’oo smelled ticker; it smelled more like a burning bush.


“Give me a moment!! I will be right out!!” I spoke perfectly in a female voice.

“ok, hurry!!! Am pressed!!”

“if you like make you pressing iron, na until I make this place dey ok, I no go comot here!!!”











“ok, I fit go now, the toilet don dey ok” I assured myself after flushing for the Nineteenth time.



I hurriedly dressed up and opened the door like a King; a crowned King that just victoriously emerged.

A King opened the door to see a Queen.



“Bimbo!!”


“What!! What are you doing here?”

“I went to check the toilet’s pipe fittings!!” I answered with a smile.

“and who told you the female toilet was bad? Are you a plumber?”

“are you?”


That question made me looked to the floor in shyness, and that was when I saw I had forgotten a foot of my socks in the toilet.



“forget!! I thought I saw me flush it”

I can relate to that incontinence where u can no longer control ur system but to begin to beg God to save u from probable embarrassment.

Melancholy:
I can relate to that incontinence where u can no longer control ur system but to begin to beg God to save u from probable embarrassment.

who no go no know

Exactly

Melancholy:
I can relate to that incontinence where u can no longer control ur system but to begin to beg God to save u from probable embarrassment.

dat shitty period u beg ur anus not to make a noise

I can't help but comment. This guy is hilarious, I was laughing so hard dat I almost laughed out my fallopian tube. I can't just get enough. Are your xters real? Esp people like Segun. Can't get over the "sebi na eba dem dey take chop hand" part. Got me reeling on the floor. flow1759, u're jst too funny and u ought to be a standup comedian.

mogbe....i dey laugh die for here

“Natty how far, how the go dey go?”

“oga Flow, I dey hungry oh, I never chop since two weeks” He looked it.

“two weeks!! your own better na, me I never chop since two years!”

“lie lie, u never chop and your belle com big like this!!” Of a truth, I had been growing pot belle by the day, and chubby too.

“make we go drink Kunu for Kunu republic na?” I offered.

Kunu had over time gain independence and it’s colonial masters in the cantonment named it Kunu Republic; that was another name for Mama Michael’s Kunu joint. It had over time been beautified and decorated to attract customers from far and wide. The innovation I liked most was the introduction of Zobo; my best drink since Guinness stout.






“oboy!!! you watch Man u match yesterday?” We met Segun there.

“I watch am na!! See as Man u trash Stoke!!!”

"Stoke na our mate?"

"abeg comot there, when we met una, na that time una go know say Kaaki no be leather" So began the argument.

"abeg comot there!! una coach wey dey smoke igboh" I sometimes thought Man U's new coach was always high on drugs because of the kind of substitutes he always made.




“ehen!! Flow!! e get wetin I wan tell you?” Segun said suddenly.

“wetin you wan tell me, no beg me for money oh, because i no get!!”

"no be money"

“make we go outside, no be wetin I go begin tell you for here wey people dey!!”

“ok!! You mean Natty abi?” Natty wasn’t just a food lover, he was also a gossip lover.

If wall have ears, Natty’s ears were made of bricks.








With a bottle of Zobo on hand each, I and Segun walked outside.






“ehen!! Wetin be the thing wey you say you wan tell me?”

“hmm!! Hmmm!” He cleared his throat.

“wetin do you for throat? You get catar?”

“no!! the thing wey go soon happen to you go pass catar!”

“wetin you mean?”

“I mean your job is at stake” That was the first time I heard Segun spoke simple English; it sounded like a Japanese trying to speak Igbo language.

“I mean say, this your job? Them go soon sack you!” he prophesied.

“how? Wetin I do wey them go sack me?” I was shocked.

“because of them the women wey you dey pursue” He answered.

“which women I dey pursue?”.

“you dey do like say you no know abi?”

“I no know na!!” I was becoming impatient.




“Ife and Funmi, they are after your life!!” That was like electric shock.

“gen!! gen!!!” My heart beat trumpeted.

“how?! What did I do to them?”

“according to wetin I hear, e be like say the two of them dey drag one boy, and the boy in question is originally Ife’s, but Funmi want him”



The news froze me, and the grammar also.

“so how that one com take concern me?”

“Hahahahaha!! Flow!! Use this your big head think na!!” he tapped my head with his palm.

“you no know say Funmi wan collect the guy from ife because Ife collect you from her?” He made some sense.

“and if she no get the guy wey be Ife guy that mean say she must get you”

“and according to what you told me, you said you are no more interested in Funmi”

“Yes na!! I am no more interested in her”

“she is wicked!!”.


She was indeed wicked. I will never forget her telling me to lick her Labia or else she would send boys to beat the hell of me.

A guy called me threatening to kidnap me if I don’t do as Funmi commanded. He also told me that after he kidnapped me, I will still lick the Labia under duress.

Oh how I hated licking Labia, talk less of Funmi's Sahara Labia.

Being Sahara wasn’t it all; her Labia also had contours and pot holes.

I had sworn never to lick any Labia until I find a wife, and if by then my wife demands for it, I will do it, but I will make sure I have a pack of Tooth paste handy, and a pack of stomach wash too.


Since the day I called her and yelled at her for perpetrating evil against the one she claimed she loved just because of licking a Labia, I refused picking her numerous calls, and at some point, I deleted her number.


“guy, wetin I go do na?” I asked confused.

“hahahahahahah!!! leave the country!!” Segun suggested.

“guy!! Nawa for you oh, I dey talk better thing, you dey joke abi?”

“why I no go joke? Shebi I warn you about those girls!”

“guy na them dey force me do am oh!!” I cried with a loud voice.

“hahahahahaha!! Shey na them carry this your long thing put inside their t’oto?” he dragged my thing.



“see make I tell you, serious kata kata dey that house because of you!”

“hahahahahahahahaha!” he laughed out.

“you don dey go!!! You no go advise me?” I tried holding him back.

“A friend in need is a friend indeed” They say, but such "need" needed no friend indeed because I enjoyed the sweetness alone therefore I had to suffer alone, like the pidgin adage said “chop alone, and die alone!!”

I was indeed in a State know as OYO.

My whole world was about to come crumbling down.

How I wished God never created Women.

Sorry!!! Not all women, women like Funmi and Kel the evil daughters of Eve.





“guy you no go come help your man!” I cried out to Segun, and to God too.








“see make I tell you, serious kata kata dey that house because of you”






For Segun to had said it that way, that meant real kata kata awaited me.

SexySapphire:
I can't help but comment. This guy is hilarious, I was laughing so hard dat I almost laughed out my fallopian tube. I can't just get enough. Are your xters real? Esp people like Segun. Can't get over the "sebi na eba dem dey take chop hand" part. Got me reeling on the floor. flow1759, u're jst too funny and u ought to be a standup comedian.

They are real oh. The characters are real.


Thanks anyway. God bless

Oga flow ride on

na ojuelegba be this oh....bubble wan burst....taking the front sit..
awaiting the next episode

*smh*...........i no shake head say tori no good oooo,na coz pple wey dey front page dey miss drug to reduce depression and frustration wey dey 9ja,MODS abeg na e strange say flow 1759 tori never hit front page. well done bro maka ( anu la ta,echi wu ntaa)

ride on boss

ishilove abeg make this tori go front page....nah beg i dhey beg oh.

Nice update

@ flow1759 Oya naw

“Peter!! Go to Ojuelegba, buy me Beans and bread, then go to the bank, put this money in my son’s account!!” Mr. Dele again.

“sir I never chop oh!!” I almost said.

Since i spoke my mind to him, Mr Dele had stopped sending me on errand to buy him food in the staff canteen, which was as home as Old Tradford could be, He changed style and started sending me on errand that was as away as the Etihad could be.


“Sola, Mr Dele send me make I go buy beans and bread for am”.

“so ana you go dey arranged the receipt till I come” I was glad to announce.

Arranging our company's old receipts was as herculean as climbing mountain Everest.




I smiled as I arrived Ojuelegba Bus stop, not because I had a clean brush that morning, but because I succeeded not paying the Bus conductor that thought I had already paid.



“oga!!” someone tapped me from behind.

“pay me my money jor!!” The bus conductor yelled.

“I never pay you?” I asked.

“you dey mad abi, you wan run with my money abi?” He clinched his fist for a punch.

“haba!! e never reach that level na, we no dey fight”

“oya give me my money!!”

“I go give you, I wan go help you find change nahim make I no pay you for inside bus”

“no find change for me, I get change!” He held my trouser belt region.


“take your money!!” I handed 100 naira over to her.

She left shaking her a’ss.

He, I mean She cursed me: “ole!!”

“na your papa be ole!!” I almost cursed back.

I dared not because inasmuch as his a’ss was bigger than that of Ivanovic the Chelsea FC defender, he still had a muscle that was bigger than mine.

And wisdom told me never to fight a muscle bigger than mine, never!!


The last time I tried it, I almost lost both legs.



That was when some thugs at Mafoluku cornered me.

They seized my bag because they thought I was one of the Tax people.




“aaaaaaasssss!!! Come here!!” One of them commanded.

“wetin you dey do for this area? Who send you?” He asked all at the same time.


“I am a delivery man from Wilo courier service ltd, my name is Peter” I introduced myself.

“se oya were ni!! shey na me you dey speak English for?”

“no oh, I no dey speak English” I denied English language.

“Wetin you come speak now now?” One double headed guy tapped my shoulder.

Double headed because jokes apart, on seeing the shape of his head, I thought his neck carried two heads. His head had one Valley and two Mountains made of igneous rock.

“no be English I speak oh!!” I denied English language again.

“so you think say we no go school abi, you com dey speak English for us?” A very dwarf one said.

“no be English I speak na!!” Like Peter in the Bible, I denied English language for the third time.

In my own case, the C'ock needed not crow, A car honked.

“you see that motor there!!”

“yes!!”

“na the boot you go enter, we dey carry you go our office”

“how I go enter the boot? I be thief?”

“your mouth dey sharp abi? I go just nod you!” The double headed guy threatened.

“no nod abeg! If you nod me, that mean say I don die be that” I will not only die, my skull will be crushed to pieces.

“See Bros!! make una no vex for me, I be una person, I dey work for one Courier company, na my work I dey do, see my ID card here!!” I brought out my ID.

“you say you dey work for Korea company?”

“yes!!”

“eeeeeeh! Baddo! So you dey work for awon Oyibo abi?”

“no, no be Korea………………………..”

“gb'enu soun jor!! Na una Korea people use dey come collect task for people shop abi” A slap landed on my chick.


“bros!! bros!! bros!! why why why you you you slap slap slap me me me” Everything I said echoed twice.

“oya make we dey go!!” the double headed guy dragged me.






“Jide!! As the boy na Korea boy, make we no put am for boot, make him sidon with us hahahahahahahaha!!”



As heartless as Nigerians could be, some of them saw these thugs cornered me, but they left me to suffer a slap in their hands; even the woman I bought sachet water from.


“so na me this small guy slap?”

“I must slap am back!!”

“the guy small, but him muscle big pass my own” I advised myself.


“fear the man, and not the muscle!!” My Saboniem always said.


Soon, we were at an uncompleted building.

“Oga Korea!! Make I see wetin dey your bag?” their leader ordered.

“Jide!! Bring that bag!!”

“na una dey come collect tax from people wey dey their shop jeje abi?”

“no be tax I dey collect, I dey deliver letter?”

“which kin letter?” the dwarf one asked.

“na letter for people wey buy share”

“chair?”

“Jide se o ra chair sinu ile?” He spoke.

“mo ra!” Jide the Head master answered.






I will never forget Head master and Head boy.




I and my younger brother’s head was so big when we were kids that some adults nicknamed us Head master and Head boy respectively. We so much loved the nicknames that we fought over who would me called the master of head and who would be called the boy of head. My younger brother saw my plight and understood, not because I was older than him or because my head was bigger, but because Brother Moses told him so.


Brother Moses was our Barber. He, having weighed both heads while barbing concluded that I was the master, and my brother was the boy.








“so na letter you dey deliver?” their Leader came close to me and handed over my bag.

“yes!!” I answered.




He walked round me twice and dipped his hand into my left back pocket.




At the right back pocket comfortable sat my wallet; very fat wallet.

It contained 10,000 naira which was my pay for three days delivery.

“where your wallet?” he removed his hand from the left, and headed for the right.




“I go give you, I turned facing him.

“turn!! Make I collect am by myself!!” He ordered.








At my back was a window that led to the top of the fence of the compound, that also led to the next compound.


From the floor to that window was almost my height, and like my High jump coach in Secondary school always said; “whatever that is below your height, you can jump” ***I pity Kanu Nwankwo***



“man die once, e better make I die than make I give this people this money wey dey my wallet, money wey I suffer for!!” I told myself.





Within split seconds, i ran so fast towards the window, jumped, and landed on the fence that was a bit shaky.

“catch am!!” I saw the Head master chased.




From the top of the fence, I jumped and landed on a hip of dried grasses.



Before I could get up and started racing, I heard a quaking.





Like a pack of cards, Three hefty blocks from the fence landed on my both legs.

....lol
Flow neva cease to amaze me as usual...
This update was top notch...i gbadun am die #lmao

IHate9ja1:
....lol
Flow neva cease to amaze me as usual...
This update was top notch...i gbadun am die #lmao

Thank You

Funny update flowa

Hheehhehehe @ 'master of head and boy of head'

StormAngel:
Hheehhehehe @ 'master of head and boy of head'

Babe you fine gan

flow1759:



Babe you fine gan

thanks gann

make i no talk ma own bak b4 babes wei dey eye you here go face me

IHate9ja1:
....lol
Flow neva cease to amaze me as usual...
This update was top notch...i gbadun am die #lmao

Thank you