flow....today na friday,how e go be naw ?

Oboy, Oga give me letter make I give you oh” Sola informed me in the afternoon of Monday 25 August 2014.

“ehen!!!”

“yes na, as I go office go drop receipt naso oga give me make I give you”

“mehn!! Oga don promote me!” I was sure. He had promised severally to promote me and increase my salary because I was so diligent a worker. Or so i thought.



There was indeed butterfly in my stomach, and, like they say; “keep the best for the last”. I left the letter on my desk where Sola had kept it and continued with me work.





Few minutes later.

“Sola you don chop?” I asked.

“I never chop oh, I wan go buy garri wey I go drink now”

“bone that garri thing, I go buy food for you” I offered.

“eheen!! Thank you oh!!”

“don’t mention!!!”


“make we go chop now na, i dey hungry?”

“No wahala” You needed to see the way Sola jumped up leaving what he was doing; that reminded me of Natty.



“Flow!! Where una dey go?” We met Wande.

“Wande!! Shebi I don warn you make you no dey call me Flow?”

“why, no be your name?”

“my name is Peter!!”

“but them your friend wey come here that day dey call you Flow”


“because them know me reach house, you you know me reach house?” I queried.

“ok, I don hear you Flow!!”

“you no dey hear word abi?”

“no vex, Peter!!”

“where una dey go na?” he knew yet he asked.

“we dey go Mortuary!!” I answered.

“ahan! Mortuary dey for this company?”

“yes na, Mortuary wey them bury your papa”



“Sola buy me food na?” Wande said.

“me? Na Peter wan buy me food oh”

“Pero!!! You no go buy your man food?”

“I no get money abeg, try chop-no-pay na?”

“mehn!! Them catch me the last time wey I do am oh”

“you mean am?”

“yes na, the new girl wey dem put there ehn? That girl eye dey sharp?”

“how she take catch you?”

“even me sef I no know! Wetin I know be say, i use my oga money pay for the food”

“I tell my Oga say him money lost”











The food I, Wande, and Sola ate cost 1200 naira all thanks to Wande’s ravenous inclination.





“Pero!! Your trouser don tear for back oh” Wande said as we walked out of the canteen.

“you say wetin?”

“I say your trouser don tear one big tear!”

“why na? how e take tear? I just dey buy this trouser, today na my first day to wear am”

That trouser cost 3000 naira; original D&G, but it could not be compared to the one I bought 4500 naira; original Original.


That wasn’t a mistake, Yes! “Original” was the trouser make.



I had just bought a trouser with the make "Original" at a price that was cut throat. The colour was navy blue which was my favorite trouser colour for a formal dressing.






I will never forget once wearing a navy blue trouser and a white long sleeve shirt to the Secondary school i taught in while I was I serving.


It wasn’t only because I forgot that what I wore was exactly the school uniform, I also needed to launch my new shirt and trouser. They both blended perfectly I must confess.



“uncle! You wear our school uniform!” one of the student said as i stepped into the compound.

“this is not your uniform, my own has design!” I teased.


“uncle!! I like your Uniform” Yewande an SS2 girl said.

“thank you!!” That was when it dawned on me that “I don f’uck up”, and down too.


I was as tucked in as the students, so I “untucked” to look different.

I saw the dressing was odd not tucked, so i tucked back.

My walking step differentiated me from the students, I walked like a boss; shoulder high, legs wide open.

“see the way Uncle is walking, hahahahahahaha!!!” I heard some students laughed.

"Uncle you have boil? hahahahahahaha!!"

“all of you, kneel down there?”

“who are you laughing at?”

“I does not laugh oh!!” Seye threw a bomb that made me freed them instanta.

I stayed in the Staff room althrough in other for an SS3 student not to mistake me for his/her junior and send me on errand.


After my afternoon lecture, I walked to the staff canteen to ease myself.




Staff toilet i mean to say.



After easing myself, as I walked to the veranda, i heard “aaaaaaa!! That student!! What did you go to the staff toilet to do?” It was the Principal’s voice.

“am I not talking to you?”



Since all the students were in their classes and no one was coming out of the Staff toilet but me, I knew I was the student the principal was referring to.






The day I was sent by my boss to deliver a letter to the Manager of a Micro finance bank in Iyana Ipaja was the first day I wore the "Original" trouser i bought.

The trouser was a bit tight, yet it fitted.

I was well tucked, and with a fine belt.





“oga, enter make we go!!” The Loin faced Bike rider said.

“you get change abi, na 1000 naira I hold oh?” I asked.

“I get, enter!!”

As I raised my right leg up to seat……………………..






As I raised my right leg up to seat……………………..






As I raised my right leg up to seat, something happened to my trouser.






“braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” My trouser tore.

“braaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!” it further tore as I sat.


“guy this your yeye bike don tear my trouser!!” I yelled.

“no vex!!!”

“your okada too high!!”

“no vex, I go carry you go tailor wey go sew am for you”

“who get that time? I dey talk say I don late where i dey go, you dey talk say you wan carry me go tailor”


As he moved, I took a look at the hole in between my legs; it wasn’t big, i could make it unnoticeable by simply changing my walking step, or so I thought.

“I go manage an so!!” So I thought.






But as I got to my destination and alighted, i squatted to see clearly how wide the trouser tore.








Wider than my mother’s pot of soup, it was.




From the front, my trouser looked like an Italian skirt, while from the back it looked like an a'boki's Kaftan.








I virtually crawled into the bank, and crawled home too.











“wetin com tear my trousers na?” I asked myself as I walked into my office.

“abi na that mess wey I mess for inside bus as I dey come work this morning?”



I gave the passengers of the bus I boarded that morning two nuclear bombs; the first was Hiroshima, closely followed by Nagasaki.

The fart deafened the driver, I could tell.

I heard a passenger asked him; “Driver!! Tell your conductor make him give me my change oh!!”

“I no hear you!!” The driver replied.






As I saw the Letter on my desk, my lost smile was found.




Opening it almost saw me crippled.









And blind too.





“Due to your lack of zeal towards duty, the management has agreed to relieve you of your duties. We advise that the ID card and every other Company’s properties in your possession be handed over to the administration department within the next 24 hours. We wish you best of luck in your future endeavors. Find attached is your Salary for August.

O boy na sad news be this oh...kai

Flow u can talk to me... weytin u do... Clean ur eyes ehn....
Baddest writer ever liveth... Luv ur humor bro.

Eyah it's a sorry case oga flow

Mutaino7:
Flow u can talk to me... weytin u do... Clean ur eyes ehn....
Baddest writer ever liveth... Luv ur humor bro.

Thank you.


The story will take a twist to another Nigerian city where i am presently, and Snow will be introduced.

Who can guess the City?

Deluxewize:
Eyah it's a sorry case oga flow

Sory case indeed.

flow1759:



Thank you.


The story will take a twist to another Nigerian city where i am presently, and Snow will be introduced.

Who can guess the City?

Port harcourt abi?

Just because you touched ife and funmi...

I guess it should be ijebu ode

Mayorblaze:
Just because you touched ife and funmi...

I guess it should be ijebu ode

When we reach there you go know?

Kaduna or imo

tfabu:
Kaduna or imo

Kadu what?

Edo state

na Enugu-my oga update go come today?

Emmeritus:
na Enugu-my oga update go come today?

E go come

flow1759:



Thank you.


The story will take a twist to another Nigerian city where i am presently, and Snow will be introduced.

Who can guess the City?

jos

“wetin I do women for this life?”

“why my life dey like this?”

“I hate women!!”

“Flow why you dey talk like that, abeg forget that job jor, Job wey them dey pay you 40k and you dey spend like 30k for transport, that one na job?” James consoled.


“hahahahahahaha!!” Segun laughed out suddenly.

“why you dey laugh?”

“hahahahahahaha! I dey laugh because of how women fit bring person up, and bring person down”

“shebi na you dey do big boy dey tell me that time wey we come visit you for Maestro say na fork you dey use eat Eba!”

“oya, use fork eat this hot Eba wey dey your front na, hahahahahahaha!”

I was not only in hot Eba, but hot Amala too.







“I dey suspect that girl Kel oh!”

“e fit be her, u know say the girl like you well well, and you no dey send her side, she fit don tell oga make him sack you”






“Flow!! James!! e get one thing wey we go take run down that girl” Segun had stopped laughing.


“wetin be the thing?”




“I no wan been tell anybody before, but as things don dey happen like this, I go tell una”

“tell us, wetin be the thing?”


“you know say I don been tell una say I don catch Oga and Kel when them wan chuku chuku, but them later no chuku chuku?”

“yes!! You don tell us!” James replied.








“one day like that, I return from delivery, naso I see say the first door of our office dey open, naso I open com enter, as I enter, naso I begin hear kiss sound for inside oga office”

“ehen!!”

“my sense com tell me say oga dey browse Kel website inside”

“I think of wetin I go do, I first think say if I enter catch them, that one mean say I don lose my job be that”

“ehen na!!”

“so I com go pip for that window wey connect to Oga office”




“mehn!! e just be like say I dey watch b’lue film, oga p’rick big ehn!!!”



“oga p’rick big ehn!!!” was an understatement, his p’rick when errect was almost the height of his leg.




I will never forget the day he drove I and a female Maestro staff to work, the Maestro staff although ugly, wore a very short skirt that seemed transparent. And of course, she sat in front while i sat at the back.



We got to Maestro Registrar so fast, but I wished my office could come met me in the car just because of the screen I was watching.


As we alighted and Oga was about zooming of, someone rushed to him and said; “Sir, I have the letters you said I should prepare, it is on my desk as we speak, but the MD said he needs to see you physically before he signs it” Paul it was.




“wetin Paul and my Oga dey do, them wan sell this company?”

“I can do that later na?” My Boss replied.

“no oh, I even wanted to call you on phone to come immediately, thank God you are here”


“but why now? Can I come back in the next say two hours?”

“no oh, by then the MD must have gone, he is travelling to UK, and he will not be back till next month”

“unless of course you want to lose the contract”

It was unlike my boss that loved his business more than his own life, i never knew something bulged; something huge. Very huge.



I knew why he refused stepping down from the car, when he finally stepped down.

“Stepped down” I say, because such high jeep needed a strong ladder to climb and a stronger ladder to come down.

“chairman!! chairman!!” Paul hailed as my Oga came out of the car.

“yes my boy!!”

“chairman!! chairman!!” Paul hailed again, this time I was convinced there was a reason for such hailing from a mischief maker like Paul.


What took my eyes to my Oga’s trouser region, I couldn’t tell, what I could tell was that Segun, James and Amos were right afterall.




They had never stopped ringing bells to my ears that “Oga p’rick na Zuma rook!!”

“oga p’rick dey tear trouser!!”

“you fit use Oga p’rick break Coconut”

“oga p’rick this, oga p’rick that”



According to them, the first day they were to resume delivery, Oga lectured them on what it entails to be a good delivery man. The lecture held in present day Kel’s office with a white board and marker. A lady that was suppose to be part of the lecture “rolled it” in and sat in front exposing her Kainji Dam.





Lecture suddenly changed.

“em! em! em! we at Awilo courier services limited must parcel all delivery perfectly” *I miss the music of Awilo Logomba, he would had parceled all the delivery perfectly*.

“em ! em! em! when you get to the house you want to deliver the parcel to, and someone opens the door, first thing to do is to knock the person!!”

“knock the door sir!!” They corrected.

“shut up!!"

"em! em! em! em! em! after knocking the door, shake the person’s head and say: good morning sir!!” He confused himself further.

“hand!! Sir, not head” it was Segun that corrected him.

“ehen!! Hand and head, is it not the same thing?”

It was his p’enis that spoke for him.


His p’enis so much disfigured the fittings of the suit he wore, and according to what Segun told me, the suit trouser became jumped up instantly.





That is why I will never advice an Usher in any church in Nigeria to even by mistake direct any mini skirt wearing member to the front seat. The day it mistakenly happened under my nose, I was almost banned from being an Usher.

“go and tell her to get up from the front seat, take her to the another seat” My head Usher commanded.

“but I already told her na!! she refused!!”

“go and tell her again!!”




“but I don tell this lady three times make she comot for that seat, she no gree”

“go tell head usher na!” Emmanuel suggested.

“I don tell am na”

“go tell am again!”



“sir!! the Lady refuses to leave the seat”

"why are you so in compitent?"


“blessing!!”

“sir!!”

“go tell the Lady to leave, give her reasons” Head usher commanded.




Blessing easily moved the lady to another seat with few words.








At the end of service, I was severely queried by the Pastor.

Next of, I ran downstairs to ask the lady what made her not to leave the seat after i pleaded with her Four times.

“hello!, you are the Pastor’s wife sister I suppose?”

She nodded in response.

“so why did you refuse leaving the seat when I told you to?”

“hahahahaha!!” She giggled.

“why are you laughing, you have not answered my question”


“I refused leaving because you have bad breath”



Were it not to be that she was the Pastor’s wife younger sister, I would have sent my palm on an errand to her chick.

I did send my palm on an errand, but not to her chick, I sent it, pure water and Tom tom sweet on errand to clean my entire mouth, and my tongue too.


The Brukutu I drank the previous night saw my entire mouth smelling like soaked Beans. It also changed the colour of my tongue to greenish brown.












“As I dey watch the b’lue film, naso my mind com tell me say make I video them”

“You video them?” I and James yelled at the same time.

“I video them with my phone well well na, I even zoom the vi…………………”

“………………where the phone?” I and James yelled at the same time again, this time louder.















“na the phone wey I sell for Power!!”

viktohmarkz:

jos

No

Bunsky:
Edo state

Hnnnnnnnnnnnn! the last time i was in that state for a visit?



Don't worry, you will read about it here.

Flowey u 2 much... I dey feel diz story. Carry go broda.

flow1759:

Hnnnnnnnnnnnn! the last time i was in that state for a visit?
Don't worry, you will read about it here.

am more interested in that part

ritababe:


am more interested in that part

When we reach there

flow1759:




When we reach there

we go know

i need one more update srzly b4 d day runs out....welldone flow lee

“Power! Why are you just a sellee? I sold something to you, and you have selled it to another person!!”

“what kind of sellee are you?”

“Segun which one be sellee again?” I needed to ask.

“sellee is the person that selled a thing he bought from a seller to another person” Segun murdered dear English.

“Power, how we go take get that phone back?” I asked.

“I no know oh, unless una go go Ngoye house for camp 2”




“Mama good evening, Ngoye dey house?”

“Ngoye don travel go Calabar yesterday?”

"yekpa!"

“him carry him phone go?” James asked a rather s’tupid question.

“yes na!! any problem?”

“no problem mama, we just come to tell am say match dey this evening!”

“him don go Calabar, go stay with him Papa”

“Mama when him go come back na?”

“him no dey come back now oh, him go start school there, him don get admission for Unical”





“Segun abi you see your Life? All your property nahim you go sell?”

Even his body parts.

I will never forget when Chima and Chidi came visiting.






“mehn!! e get one place for Anambra state wey them dey buy one finger 1million naira” Chidi said.

“ehen!! You mean am?” Segun was attentive.

"na when them go give you the money?”

“them go give you immediately after them cut am”

“go come no dey this one?”

“if them no pay you nko?”

“guy them go pay you, you know many guys wey don sell their finger and their ear?”

“ehen! You mean am?”






And guess what?

At present, Segun is in the Anambra State where his elder brother that is an officer is serving.

I pray he has not sold his ten fingers already and his cassava leaf-like ears too.

“Cassava leaf ear” was Segun’s Childhood nickname; abbreviated as CLE, while that of James was “Kokoro head”.


Kokoro head was a nickname he got as a result of the mighty ring worm that sheltered in his skull.




As for me!!!


I had so many childhood nicknames; from head Master, I graduated to Goat s’hit head, from Goat s'hit head, I graduated to High tension, from High tension, I graduated to Obuesi.

And guess what? All nicknames were inclined towards my world famous big head.




Lemme start from Goat s’hit head.

Our football entered Papa Wale Goat house one afternoon while we played, and since I was the defender, I ran into the Goat house to fetch it.

The Football was deep inside the Goat house that as I bent, I had to support my head somewhere because it was heavy on my neck and I was losing balance.


Little did I know what supported my head was a Goat’s “nyash”.

“mmmmmemmemee!! The Goat cried and other Goats joined.

“una no go shut up make I carry ball wey I come to carry?” I spoke to the Goats.



When I came out, I noticed that the Goat had p’ood on my head. My friends made a nickname out of the scene.


Then came High tension.

High tension was as a result of the kind of hair cut I carried to school on Monday morning.



I was in Primary 5, and the principal had warned that we looked neat because the Cantonment Commandant was visiting the school on Monday.


I forgot I was amongst those that were supposed to welcome the Commandant, and the principal had told me to cut my hair over the weekend.





Brother Ik!!




Oh Brother Ik!!!



My mum woke Brother Ik up on Sunday night for him to give me a rush rush hair cut.




Razor blade and comb were readily available to give me the “skinnest” of skin cut.








I knew not what Brother Ik did to me until I got to school the next morning.









“yeeeeeh!! See head oh!!!!!”


“Moon head!!”

“Pot head!”

“Egg head!”

“Bicycle seat head!”

“High tension shine shine!!”

“Mango head!!”

Televission head!!”

“Coconut head!!”

“Bucket head!!”

“GP tank head!”

All for one head.

Amount all, High tension shine shine was accepted suitable; which was later cosidered a mouthful, so it was cut down to just High tension.




The insults and bully were just too much. So................................









I dropped out of school.














Not for long, I dropped out for one week until my hair grew.











As for Obuesi, the nickname started when Bee stunk my head and the size increased.






*Enough of the head talk, lets move on*




“so that phone don go like that?”

“how we go do am na? I want make we wicked that our nonsense oga wey call himself Pastor but him dey chuku chuku Kel”

“If to say I know, I for no sell the phone for Power?”

“na because I broke nahim make me sell am”











“Sege!! Matematical Sege!! Sege!!” I heard someone called.



I turned, and behold it was Ngoye.











I looked round to confirm we weren’t in Calabar as Ngoye ran to us.

IHate9ja1:
i need one more update srzly b4 d day runs out....welldone flow lee

There you go

Flow walahi you no well..

That prick and head got my attention...

flow1759:




There you go

Kudos! Flow lee
U neva fail to deliver as promised.
You made my day,,,,thank you

Mayorblaze:
Flow walahi you no well..

That prick and head got my attention...

Thank you Mayorblaze

Flow Abeg come continue na

Ndukings92:
Flow Abeg come continue na

I no fit sleep oh
Flow's update ehn ....na die
#muah

IHate9ja1:

I no fit sleep oh
Flow's update ehn ....na die
#muah

me sleep?na lie,enwerom ike ya.flow bia here o