STRANGE ‘FIRERS’ AND ‘FIREES’

BY FUNKE EGBEMODE

As far as I know, and was taught, God was very clear on who should ‘fire’ who and how ‘firing’ should be done. He, in fact, provided the ‘firing’ equipment. However, in the last 10 days or so, this simple and specific contract has been receiving variations and I am distressed. From America to Germany and Japan, the definition of who should fire who and how has been modified in different courts, making me fall further out of love with the wig and gown, bar and bench. In America, the Su­preme Court ruled that it is now fine and proper for a woman and another to walk down the aisle and say ‘I do’. Irrespective of what the state laws say in the 50 states that make up the United States of America, two men can now exchange mar­riage vows and rings.

Writing the majority opinion, Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy said that “by virtue of their exclusion from that institution (mar­riage), same-sex couples are denied the constellation of benefits that the States have linked to marriage. This harm results in more than just material burdens. Same-sex couples are consigned to an instability many opposite-sex couples would deem intolerable in their own lives.”

Fine, I’m not an American and I ought to leave Americans to sort out themselves and their choices. I should be focussing on the Tambuwalisa­tion of the National Assembly and its attending ripple effects but Nigerians tend to love American things and we look at that country as if only good things can come out of there. Well, folks, this is one bad thing we cannot and should not copy. This is one cul­ture we should not allow to infiltrate our sanity and space. Let us leave it with them. It is their thing, let them savour it and live with its pleasures and pain.

The thought of two men getting married, when it’s not making me feel like breaking somebody’s nose, makes me want to throw up. How ex­actly is it supposed to work out in bed. I’m imagining two men in bed; they kiss, run their hands over each other’s bodies, touch where and where? I’m stuck there. And when it’s time for the grand finale, one puts his nozzle in the exhaust of the other, because men don’t have tanks? Ok, let me break that down. When a car drives into a filling station, the petrol attendant puts his nozzle in the tank, never in the exhaust pipe, fills the tank until the car is blissfully happy and ecstatically in cloud nine. Isn’t that what happens all the time? Right, that is also what happens when a man and a woman are in bed.

The nozzle and the tank are in place to do what they were designed to do. But with two homosexual men, that nozzle will have to make do with the only opening and that is in the rear. And it is an exhaust, designed to take things out, not to take things in. I just heaved a sigh here. So, how do you use the exhaust as tank for years without some­thing untoward happening? I’m talking about the wear and tear, the type that kills an ‘okada’ used to carry killed cow from the abattoir. Those ‘okadas’ don’t last long. Is it that male-male couples don’t do it as much as female-male couples? I’m wondering if you can use that rear place consistently for 20 years without hefty damage.

The female-female couple leaves me even more confused and sick. At least, with the boys, there is a nozzle and an illegal entrance. What will the girls put in their two empty tanks? Don’t even bother with the intimacy gadgets explanation be­cause normal couples use them already these days. You don’t have to be Pam and Eve to enjoy them. So, did I miss something?

Let’s go to the logic of those who say ‘gays are made like that’. Like how and by who? By God who ‘made them male and female’, decreed that ‘a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife’ and ‘they should go and multiply and cover the face of the earth’? Are we talking about the same God and the same maker? The God who made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Madam or Adam and Steve? How is it that this God decides to make a few creatures that will go against every grain of creation and the principle of the Garden of Eden? How is it that God who made the tank, the nozzle and de­signed them for procreation is the same one who made these ones who cannot make anything? Are you as confused as I am or you understand that god who said sperm in the anus will bring forth babies?

I understand that evil infiltrated the factory line somewhere. That is why we have serial killers, serial rapists, nym­phomaniacs and paedophiles. Those are mental, psychological challenges. There are health facilities for them all over the world. If a man hears voices that tell him to kill every policeman he sees, he’s called a cop killer, right? How is a serial killer or paedophile a criminal then? They are made like that too. Yet we send them to prison. Why do we want to cuddle those who are a threat to the earth’s existence? Yeah, that’s what gays are because they cannot multiply, make babies, replenish the earth. If we all become gays, who will make babies?

Then this: why is it that a man who wants to marry a man and put his nozzle in an unproductive exhaust pipe also wants to have children? If they are made like that, they should leave those of us who are made to put the nozzle in a tank keep our children. Those who want to fire the exhaust should expect smoke, not babies. Nothing good grows in the anus because a growth in that re­gion means trouble . A male firer whose ‘firee’ is a man should be contented with the way ‘he was made’. When a woman who should be fired becomes a ‘firee’ of another woman, she should not come looking for an adoption agency, sperm bank or surrogate mother to get what her god did not create her to have.

People, let’s get to work and protect our seeds, children, proceeds of our legal firing equipment and effort from these people from another planet. We promise to attend the naming ceremo­nies of whatever they produce from their exhausts pipes, if we can stand the smell.

On a fine last note, I love Zimba­bwean President Mugabe’s conclusion: Even Satan wasn’t gay, he chose to approach naked Eve instead of naked Adam. So, who created these strange firers and firees?


http://sunnewsonline.com/new/strange-firers-and-firees/

CC: ishlove, lalasticlala... This article will be found very interesting by Nairalanders. Kindly move to front page please.

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