SAM MILLA:

one old lady appears in court for shooting a young man and the attorney asks her ;


Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:

Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard

this youngman bad o

Marriage - Part I Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not." (SHE'S GOOD!)
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Marriage (Part II) Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever " "Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last" (HE ASKED FOR IT!) ******************************
Marriage (Part III) Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "You're no good in bed either!" and storms out of the house. After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" She says, "Getting a second opinion!" (YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!) ******************************************
Marriage (Part IV) A man has six children and is very proud of his achievements. He is so proud ! of himse lf, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four." (DITTO!) **************************************
Marriage (Part V) The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH, AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT. __________________________________________________

A man was having some problems with his mother in-law.

One day, he was in a terrible accident with his wife where the wife's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

FOUR LITTLE BOYS WERE OUT IN THE LAKE PLAYING WITH THEIR BOAT.

As their boat rounded a point on the lake, they saw a man STRUGGLING in the water. With no hesitation, they jumped into the water and saved him.

It was not until they pulled him to shore that they noticed the man they had saved was President YAR' ADUA, who had slipped away from the Secret Service for a swim. When President YA' ADUA caught his breath, he thanked the two boys and offered them anything they wanted in return for saving his life.

The first boy thought about it for a while and finally answered. "I would like a presidential appointment to THE ASO ROCK so I can serve my country."

The next two thought that was a great idea, but one said he had always wanted to be a pilot so he would rather attend the Air Force Academy.

The third boy chose the Naval Academy.

The president turned to the fourth boy, who was still thinking. Finally he answered, "Mr. President, I would like a burial with honors at SANI ABACHA NATIONAL CEMETARY" The president was shocked and asked the boy why he would make such a request at his young age. The boy replied "Because when my father finds out I saved you, he is going to kill me!"

Teacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!



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The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"



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Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.

Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."

After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth. Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has THREE
sons."



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Stammerer: "I hea, hea, heard tha, that you ca, ca, can hel, hel, help me".

Speech therapist: "Yes, sure. Ease yourself in the chair, look straight in my eyes, and count slowly till ten".

Stammerer: "O.O, one, t, t, two, th, th, three, f, f, four, five,six,seven,eight, nine, ten. It's wonderful, I don't stammer anymore!"

Speech therapist: "My fee is 300 dollar."

Stammerer: "H, h, how mu, mu, much?!"

At a country-club party a young man was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young man declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the bank where your father has his account."

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

A couple cannot wait to be married. They are driving home and hit a patch of ice, crash, die and go right to heaven. Appearing before Saint Peter, they tell him, "Saint Peter, we couldn't wait to get married, Could you get us married here in heaven ." Saint Peter pauses and says, "I'll see what I can do." Time passes and Saint Peter calls the couple to his office and tells them, "I have some good news, you are going to be married." They are married and are so happy. As time goes on, they go back to see Saint Peter. They tell him, "we want a divorce. This marriage isn't what we thought it would be. We can't stand it." Saint Peter responds,"give me a break, it took me 10 years to find a priest to marry you, it will take me forever to find you a lawyer

BYE EVERY ONE

A husband and wife stepped up to view the body of his mother-in-law. As he began to cry, his wife punched him and said: Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway. I know he replied, I thought I saw her move!

By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

An old guy’s car collides with a young guy’s car and both are demolished. The two crawl out of the wreckage, amazed that neither of them was hurt in the accident.

The old guy says, "Look at this miracle! This must surely be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live our lives in peace for the rest of our days."

"Sure," says the young guy, convinced the old man’s crazy.

"And look at this!" says the old guy, reaching back into his car. "A miracle! My car is demolished, but this bottle of whiskey didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink and celebrate our good fortune."

Again the young guy agrees, so the old guy opens the bottle and passes it to him. The young guy smiles and takes several huge swigs, then tries to hand it to the old guy, who, to his surprise, refuses. "Aren’t you having any?" asks the young guy.

"No, thanks," replies the old guy. "I’ll wait for the police and tell them you are drunk and driving,

TWENTY YORUBA girls were tired of being considered stupid, so they asked for a meeting with the town's chief. At the meeting, the chief said, "Well, I'll ask one lady a question, and if she gets it right, you'll be smarter, if not your still dumb."

So the GIRLS pick a woman who they think is smart. The CHIEF says, "What is 3 plus 4?"

"9" says the GIRL after thinking for a while. "No, you are still stupid." All the girls there start chanting "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

The chief agrees and says, "OK, what's 2 plus 1?" After thinking, the girl answers, "4" The crowd chants, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

The chief, getting tired of this says, "One more chance, what's 3 plus 3?" The girl thinks for a few minutes. "6" she answers. The crowd starts chanting, "Give her another chance, give her another chance!"

An Hausa man namwd PAWA moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

L: Have you any grounds?

P: Yes, two plots of land and nice little home.

L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?

P: It made of concrete.

L: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?

P: No, we have carport, and not need one.

L: I mean. What are your relations like?

P: All my relations still in Kano Nigeria

L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?

P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

L: Does your wife beat you up?

P: No, I always wake up before her.

L: Is your wife a nagger?

P: No, she white.

L: Why do you want this divorce?

P: She going to kill me.

L: What makes you think that?

P: I got proof.

L: What kind of proof?

P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: ‘black Remover’

An Ibo guy walks into the local bank, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi . . You know, I just HATE borrowing money from your bank. I'd really rather have a job." The banker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a driver / bodyguard for his 18-year-old beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have an adjoining room. The starting salary is 3 million naira a year." The guy says, "You're kidding!" The banker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week, " "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed.

"Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Its all nice.

A mafia king is lying on his sick bed when he calls in one of his godsons. "Mikey, get over here," he says, "before I go, I gotta ask you to do me one favor." "Yes, godfather, anything you ask me I'll do, I worship you more than anything!"

"OK!" says the old man, "I want you to go to the bathroom and jerk off!" Feeling uneasy the boy says, "I don't know, it is embarassing." The old man says, "Who raised you as if you were my kid huh, you can't do it for me?" The youngster agrees and does the deed, he comes back and says, "OK I did it." The old man says, "One more request, do it again!" The boy looks and says, "Why? I just did?" The old man says, "Who gave you money, clothes, girls, huh? you can't do this little thing for me?" The boy agrees and goes to do it. He comes back sweating and says "OK, done!" "One last request, do it one last time! " says the old man. "I don't understand, why?" says the boy. "Don't ask, Can't you grant a dying man his last wish?" The boy goes and does it again, he comes back crawling, barely able to talk, "OK I did it again, but please no more, I got no more left! "Good!" says the old man, he hands him car keys and says, "Now drive to the airport and pick up my daughter!"

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a Christian."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."

The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.

"What if your mom was a slowpoke, and your dad was a slowpoke. What would you be then?"

She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

A little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm TONY ADEOLA's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm BISI ADEOLA."

After church the next Sunday, the pastor spoke to her and said, "Aren't you MR.ADEOLA's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"IGBOman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner. The DI is taken to the second dead man. "HAUSAman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

Nothing unusual here, thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. YORUBAman, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken", replies the coroner.

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

sam u are da bomb

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Sex
4. Mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"

===

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
==

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says, "Not yet."

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet."

Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?"

And the mother says, "When the baby cries."

So they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?"

The new mother says, "I forgot where I put it."

A women on her deathbed called her husband and instructed him to look under their bed and open the wooden box he found. He was puzzled by the 3 eggs and N700,000 in cash he found in the box, so he asked his wife what the eggs were for.

"Oh those", she replied, "every time we had bad sex, I put an egg in the box".

Not bad, the husband thought to himself, after 35 years of marriage, then he asked, "But what about the N700,000?"

"Oh that", she replied, "every time I got a dozen I sold them."

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

When you say, "I love you", mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Talk slow but think quick.

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Call your mom.

Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Marry a partner you love to talk to. As you get older, her/his conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Spend some time alone.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Read more books and watch less TV.

Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.

Trust in God but lock your car.

A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

Be gentle with the earth.

Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

Mind your own business.

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.

Learn the rules then break some.

Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:

"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.

"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."

One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:

"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.

"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Again, silence.

"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"

When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"