A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential. Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential!



==========

Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period? Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away
===

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends" .

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Quiet!" snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you spend the night in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,"

"And I said be quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you, the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the guy in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A pastor just fresh from Bible College, was invited to speak at a chapel service in a prison.

He was very excited but being his very first time, he was very nervous as well. He thought hard how to introduce his message. On the day he arrived at the prison, he was greeted by a large group of prisoners waiting to hear him. As the young pastor walked and stood behind the pulpit, he said, ‘Good morning Gentlemen. It’s so good to see you here!’

Officer deep $hit

Lol l l l l l l l l l l.

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes,
he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so
scared to sleep alone that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with
the lady next door."

hi, sam milla
Long time o

Two guys were taking chemistry at the University of Lagos. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go up to the University of Ibadan and party with some friends. They had a great time. However, they overslept and didn't make it back to Lagos until the morning of the exam.

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to the University of Ibadan for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late in getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day for the final. The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was worth 5 points. It was something simple. "Cool," they thought. "This is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 said: "Which tire?" (95 Points).

Some nice jokes there

A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

lol, 24 hours is up.

Wow!

A married couple is driving on the highway doing 100km/h . The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 120km/ph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of
it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 140km/ph. She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's
up to 160km/ph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything
you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 200km/ph,
"I've got the airbag!"

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Edna, "my God, you're ugly, aren't you!" His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.
"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "how can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"
Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Edna, I am sorry you're so ugly."

Harry answers the telephone and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

At a pharmacy, the same hausa woman asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms.

The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing the woman and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

"It won't work," countered the hausa lady woman. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt

An idiot decides to start up a chicken farm, so he buys a hundred chickens to get up and running.
A month later he returns to the dealer to get another hundred chickens because the first lot had died.
Another month passes and he's back at the dealers for another hundred chickens, "I think I know where I'm going wrong" he tells the dealer,
"I think I'm planting them too deep."

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

okay sammie dear am comming right away to ur house so dat u can make me laff away stresss

OK! mein bruder, du bist very gutt indeed. keep der jokes rolling in. my ribs hurts but am stuck on your jokes
3 gboza 4 di don of jokes! oops, my bad, the KING of jokes.

Im roflmao.

@mojoy, didnt know u can write german

1st Person:
``Do you know anything about this fax-machine?''
2nd Person:
``A little. What's wrong?''
1st Person:
``Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened.''
2nd Person:
``How did you load the sheet?''
1st Person:
``It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it.''

When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Nigerian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the nigerian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are nigerians."

president yar'adua visits Algeria. As part of his program, he delivers a speech to the Algerian people: "You know, I regret that I have to give this speech in English. I would very much prefer to talk to you in your own language. But unfortunately, I was never good at algebra, "

On the way home from the first day of school, the father asked his son, "What did you do at school today?"

The little boy shrugged his shoulders and said, "Nothing".

Hoping to draw his son into conversation, the father persisted and said, "Well, did you learn about any numbers, study certain letters, or maybe a particular color?"

The perplexed child looked at his father and said, "Daddy, didn't you go to school when you were a little boy?"

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

A high school had a policy that the parents must call the school if a student was to be absent for the day.

JOHN, deciding to skip school and go fishing with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called the school herself.
john: "Hi, I'm calling to report that john eze is unable to make it to school today because he is ill.

Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her absence. Who is this calling?"

john: "This is my mother

WOMEN


Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You will pay for this later
We need to talk = I want to complain
Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you slowpoke!
You're so manly = You sweat a lot and you need to shave
Your certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you think about?
Be romantic, turn off the lights = I don't want you to see my flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = And carpeting and furniture and wallpaper . . . .
Hang the picture there = NO! I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I am about to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today that you aren't going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing really = Your such an ass hole

Men's English:
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out for dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
You look tense, let me give you a masssage = I want to handle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex tonight?
I love you = There I said it, Let's have sex now
I love you too = Now we have to have sex!
Let's talk = I am trying to prove to you that I am a deep person and maybe then you'll have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.