crackhaus:

Yea right...

Kimoni:


Crackhaus, whisper it to my ears my ears and mine alone...I don't kiss and tell

MizMyColi:


Well, I'm not gon play oblivious here, you do have a point.

But let me put myself in that shoe for a moment.

Let's say in the course of my hustling, I feel some emptiness, and I'm your wife.
Don't make life seem sooo herculean...and let's say I'm not the kind who is sooo busy.
But you are.
And I have needs at the moment.

I want to be listened to.
For once, I don't want it to be about the kids, I just want it to be about us.
Simply put, I need some sensual healing (not sexual)...

What would be your stance?

You'll most likely brush me aside, right?
See, there's no smoke without fire.

Ever wondered why Men are emotionally unavailable to their wives but are more than available to some hot-blooded chic out there?despite their hustling for the same money which makes them separate from their wives?

You see the selfishness I'm on about?

Well pray your wife is the kind who doesn't value being touched, spoken words of affirmation to, and stuff in those lines...
Because if she is and demands such from you, despite doing her own part to keep up with Family and you front with the business and kids story....

Oh well, may it not be like film in thine eyes, amen.

Mindfulness:


I hope you don't mind my stepping in.
I think that raumdeuter raised a key issue that is crucial to answering the question why men become "emotionally unavailable".
Even though he was referring to a family setting with jobs and kids, his ideas can be applied to people who are not yet married.

The question that arises is, are men "emotionally unavailable" or are women too "needy"?
How comes he was "emotionally available" at the beginning (you describe the process of change in your initial post) and then become "emotionally unavailable"?


What I have observed many times is that a lady who has fallen in love tends to focus much of her attention and mind activity on the man she has fallen in love with. Even ladies who used to be buys and kind of independent and self-sufficient before.


A man and a woman meet.
The man feels attracted to the lady for several reasons. One of these reasons is her personality and life style. It makes her interesting.
Once she falls in love, she starts to plan everything around the man. She is not that much into her hobbies anymore, she is not meeting up with friends like she used to. She is neglecting her other responsibilities. She changes.

Men don't do it. And if they do, then only for a while when the hormones release is very intensive (at the beginning of the relationship).
After a while they go back to their normal mode. They do what they used to and what they have to. And the relationship is one part of their life but not the centre of their universe.

This is where the drama begins for some ladies.

It might also be that a lady didn't have much going on in her life before she met the man and due to lack of meaningful activities, he becomes the centre of her universe. It is ok at the beginning of the relationship but once the man pulls away FOR A WHILE to do what he HAS TO do, drama begins again and the lady gets clingy and complains. This makes most men pull away more. Ladies do NOT feel attracted too clingy men either

Therefore, it all comes down to the perspective we look at it from and depending on the perspective you will answer the question whether men are "emotionally unavailable" or women to needy / clingy, differently.

MizMyColi:


I think you're right.
This thread is meant to teach the ladies how to be their own person should the guy withdraw emotionally.....

That said, I think a compromise and taking into consideration the feelings and emotional build-up of the other is important.

If a guy knows that at some point he will withdraw from a lady he likes, why begin by showering her so much attention in the beginning?

Why don't you be your normal aloof self and see if she falls for you?

You might say that she won't notice you as such, but the things is she will if she's meant to.
Don't start what you can't finish.

Because of their emotional nature and need to look up to someone....there's no way a woman will fall in love and you expect her life to remain as it used to be when she didn't have you.

While I do not encourage neediness, It would be fool hardy to expect her to act like you did not happen to her.

You brought her joy, made her feel like heaven on earth, it is only normal for her to port her heart where her love is.

Women don't just start being needy.
They are sensitive beings.
That neediness arises the moment they feel a vacuum.

Men value desire.
Women value security.

She will do what's within her power to ensure that her property and the things that belong to her aren't tampered with, even if it means smothering you.

Now, armed with this knowledge of women, and your likely emotional unavailability....how about trying to reach a compromise, how about taking her weakness ( which is you in this case) into consideration and see how you can reciprocate her love while encouraging her to go out there and be the best she can ( without making her feel like you're pushing her away from you)?

I read a book once, and after that time, I purposed in my heart that I would try to continually be my own person and continually do the things I enjoy while creating space to love my man....

Let's not forget the fact that sometimes, the man could be just downright selfish.
Whatever happened to understanding.

What wins it at the end of the day is for the woman to do what she can when it comes to being her own self and not so dependent on her guy.

MizMyColi:
Cc: mindfulness
This has never rang so true as far as this topic is concerned.

Mindfulness:


The beginning of what you quoted sounds like the girl is very insecure.

MizMyColi:
[font=Georgia]Okay, so what I'm getting now is this

Ramdeuter Mindfulness

The lady should enjoy his emotional availability while it lasts abi?
Once he's over that....na all man to himself kwo?

The babe should just live her life and not expect any level of emotional satisfaction from him.
If he gives her, fine, if he doesn't, fine.

In other words, don't show that you need to be touched, loved, encouraged or anything...so you don't come off as clingy.

Errrr...tbh o, guys, you're making sense, but there's a missing link, and that's why I'm not agreeing a 100%

Either ways, I maintain that openness, sincerity and trust and selflessness are key.

It is always better when the man loves the woman more, else, no deal

Tbh.....I would like to marry someone I'll eventually grow to love.....not someone I'm soooooo overly crazy cahoots about. That's how all the emotional unavailability shenanigans starts anyway.

MizMyColi:


Are you saying that insecure people aren't meant to be loved? So the moment we notice they are needy or clingy of smothering, we just leave them out in the cold by withdrawing from them? Yet, we love them?

Whatever happened to sincere communication, what about talking things through in the most loving and no-cobdemning way, even if it means that they'd hurt for a while?

Don't we all have a baggage or another which we bring to relationships....

Isn't it about that person who is able to consolidate on our strengths/flaws...helping us bring out the best and vice-versa?

Show me a woman who is with someone she truly loves and desires, and does not exhibit any degree of insecurity and I'll show you the fakest asss woman ever liveth.

My dear, even with the knowledge I've gathered, which I want to think of as "above average"...despite my intimidatingmien/intelligence/eloquence/outspokenness (that's what people say o)....
When I'm around the one person whom I am truly myself with, when I don't see a need to impress whether consciously or subconsciously, when I become this tendersoul with a child like nature, and I freely speak the contents of my heart....I find that there are elements if insecurity here and there, which I discover and try to take care of.

MizMyColi:


Are you saying that insecure people aren't meant to be loved? So the moment we notice they are needy or clingy of smothering, we just leave them out in the cold by withdrawing from them? Yet, we love them?

Whatever happened to sincere communication, what about talking things through in the most loving and no-cobdemning way, even if it means that they'd hurt for a while?

Don't we all have a baggage or another which we bring to relationships....

Isn't it about that person who is able to consolidate on our strengths/flaws...helping us bring out the best and vice-versa?

Show me a woman who is with someone she truly loves and desires, and does not exhibit any degree of insecurity and I'll show you the fakest asss woman ever liveth.

My dear, even with the knowledge I've gathered, which I want to think of as "above average"...despite my intimidating mien/intelligence/eloquence/outspokenness (that's what people say o)....

When I'm around the one person whom I am truly myself with, when I don't see a need to impress whether consciously or subconsciously, when I become this tendersoul with a child like nature, and I freely speak the contents of my heart....I find that there are elements if insecurity here and there, which I discover and try to take care of.

raumdeuter:
Well said.

A man doesn't drop what he likes doing because he's in a relationship. He won't stop watching football. He won't stop hanging out with friends, he went stop chasing money or business. He won't stop loving cars golf tennis etc

But for women some even fight their friends and expect everything to revolve round the man. They become too needy.

A man is watching Arsenal with all his attention that's when the wife is telling him stories and complaining he isn't giving her attention

He is gisting with friends the girl is grumbling that he's choosing friends over her

He's thinking of money and business the girl is complaining he's not talking to her

He's watching news or TV with great attention the girl is saying they should go out for dates

He's discussing politics with all his energy the girl is complaining of neglect

Some girls don't even have a social life and they think all their problems in life would be solved once they get married. Meanwhile the guy was having fun and thinks it's about time he gets married.

The girl becomes too needy and the man feels nagged and choked

Showing your needs and being needy is not the same.
Whatever you need, ask for it. Just remember that he is free to say no. Can you handle it?

What a contradiction.
One minute you talk about selflessness and then you want a man to love you more. Where is the selflessness in this?

This is me being selfless!!!
If I were to love him more than he does me, I would just suffocate him!!!
Chances are that I would most likely lose myself in the process.
He wouldn't want that for me either....one of the bane of my personality is putting others first, even if my blood is spilled in the process.

But being the man, culturally, he is built to love me, and I to respect him, he has the emotional absorber to keep his affections in check....unlike me, when I start, the only language I understand is GO

Like I said, ask yourself the following question:

Is he really emotionally unavailable or do you only perceive him as such because you are operating from a place of neediness?

No. What I was trying to say in the first place is that labeling a man as "emotionally unavailable" is not necessarily right.

You can expect whatever you want. Whether you get it, is a different thing.

author=MizMyColi post=37228839


The mind is the battlefield.
Personally, I think everyone should understand that they have all that they need for survival within them....

Women are raised to think that everything about them ends on the table of a man, that their happiness and worth depends on his approval of her...through words and actions.

My dear, it is only a woman who is still beguiled with this base mentality that would be unable to handle rejection.

Though, if I were the one, and he has the capacity and chooses not to do so for whatever reasons there might be....and does not even try to make it up to me, then there is going to be a crack.
I'll withdraw in one or more ways.
Judge me if you wish to, but I cannot do a man who isn't an epitome of Selflessness.

This is me being selfless!!!
If I were to love him more than he does me, I would just suffocate him!!!

Chances are that I would most likely lose myself in the process.
He wouldn't want that for me either....one of the bane of my personality is putting others first, even if my blood is spilled in the process.

But being the man, culturally, he is built to love me, and I to respect him, he has the emotional absorber to keep his affections in check....unlike me, when I start, the only language I understand is GO

Why do you make out neediness to be such a bad thing to be abhored?

Must the man or woman be picture perfect to be deemed worthy of your emotional availability?

Would there be neediness if a vaccum has not been created in the first place?

Is it not because she got intoxicated with your show of attention and care and sensuality which her cute head told her would last forever?
Why then do you blame her when she starts singing *you're not the guy I used to know* song?

How else do you define that save for being EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE?

Women have got to be the most sensitive bunch on earth after the sensitive plant.
When their man is just not into them, they know.

Even if the romance in our relationship would wane, shouldn't it be such that we've built and have this connection of huge emotional reserves, which we refill from time to time. Such that there's no reason for animosity between us?

God, there's nothing like a relationship between two self aware individuals, intimacy or not.

Men and Women should understand that they are wired differently, and as such, emotions are interpreted on different terms.
If they set out on this notion, they would see a need for compromise. This is why communication is necessary.Without it there is no information, no understanding, and ultimately, no love.

But how many of us are truly ready to open ourselves up to our partners whilst maintaining that sense of self?

Are you saying that there aren't men out there who are actually emotionally unavailable to their women, which results in a crack of sorts...and they on their part think they have absolutely no fault?

Since when did smokes start springing up without fire?

Please look at the emboldened again.

Is it wrong to have expectations from our partners?
Can we not trust them to be sensitive enough to do stuff that gives us a sense of belonging and familialness?

Must she always ask and ask?
What if you're not cut out for that and she starts pouting?
Isn't that the neediness you abhor?

If you do not give it to her what should be her reaction?
Ordinarily, the lady should be angry or agitated...

But I and my fellow ladies need to get our brains opened and this stuffed into our head. His, or anyone's approval of you is WELCOME, but not NEEDED.

Same for his care, his listening ability, his touch, his kiss, his embrace, his snuggling, his cuddling, and what not.

Before he came on board, you were doing just fine, if he decides to start treating you differently, don't be sad for long, make peace with the fact that you can't change him and SWITCH frequencies, for God's sake, don't give up your life in its entirety for him, as hard as it might be, try to have time for yourself too.... [b]Give him space, but don't allow yourself to be resentful.....until he comes back to you...and if you think you can't handle it, or that you deserve better, kindly move on.

author=MizMyColi post=37232695][font=Georgia]

@mindfulness

If I were to move up to your level of reasoning

I'd agree with you 150%
But agree or not...

There are those times when no matter how self aware we've become...we miss it - how much more folks who know zilch about enlightenment.

There are those times when we show weakness, vulnerability, even neediness.
There are those times when our partner shows us love and affection, and we're just not in the mood to reciprocate.
When they have our time and we just don't have their time, when they want to play, but we don't feel like it.
At some point, our interests just don't align.

In addition to living our lives and doing all the fun things that make us happy, we should remember that our partners do not necessarily know what we know.
Their idea of loving and togetherness might not be as we perceive it.

Even when they misunderstand us and think that we're shutting them out, can we for a brief moment leave the cozy world we've built for ourselves where we've learned to be happy, independent of our partners' input and speak their language of love to them?
Let them know that they matter, that they are loved? - and in the way we know they prefer?

I do not claim to have apprehended yet, but even with the so-called knowledge I've gathered, I know how much a kind word means to me.
Not because I cannot say same to myself, but because there's this specialness and uniqueness when it comes from someone I hold in high esteem.

I don't want to marry Mr Perfect, but if he is, all well and good.

I am building myself to be better, for me, and for humanity.

What if I grow in love for someone who wasn't needy or in emotional overdrive at first, but somewhere along the line, his drive and affection topples mine and it seems too much for me....almost to a point of irritation....what do I do then?
Allow his so-called neediness destroy the relationship?Or employ wisdom and tact, compromise, and consciously bring myself to meet him halfway?

Perchance I have so drifted from him and so engrossed in self sufficiency that I no longer see the angel in human vessel who is meant to be my blessing, my miracle?
I no longer see a need for him?

What is self happiness and awareness and sufficiency et al if it cannot be projected on another?
What good is all the knowledge I've gathered if I cannot impact it in another?
A person I met, and accepted, and loved.

When I used the word "suffocate" I knew you'd term it neediness....i however do not see a need to be defensive about that or try to correct such notion.

Let he that thinketh he stands take heed lest he falls.

raumdeuter:
Well said.

A man doesn't drop what he likes doing because he's in a relationship. He won't stop watching football. He won't stop hanging out with friends, he went stop chasing money or business. He won't stop loving cars golf tennis etc

But for women some even fight their friends and expect everything to revolve round the man. They become too needy.

A man is watching Arsenal with all his attention that's when the wife is telling him stories and complaining he isn't giving her attention

He is gisting with friends the girl is grumbling that he's choosing friends over her

He's thinking of money and business the girl is complaining he's not talking to her

He's watching news or TV with great attention the girl is saying they should go out for dates

He's discussing politics with all his energy the girl is complaining of neglect

Some girls don't even have a social life and they think all their problems in life would be solved once they get married. Meanwhile the guy was having fun and thinks it's about time he gets married.

The girl becomes too needy and the man feels nagged and choked

Krystalxxx:
Sometimes I wonder what the essence of so called 'love' or marriage or relationships are if after a while we both have to go back to living like seperate individuals just so nobody looks too needy and clogs each others space. She can't do any lovey dovey things in her head so as to keep her position and pride as a woman and so that the guy won't lose interest cuz she got too clingy. It has to be a game where as a woman you act like you don't really care, remain unpredictable so he remains captivated. So then what's the whole use of a relationship if it's always going to be like that to keep a relationship? The loneliness , isolation is still going to be there then, and you're still a lone ranger playing the game of 'keeping the relationship interesting' . If it's like that then everyone might as well stay alone and just have sex and separate afterwards, since the aim of even companionship can't even be assured in a relationship. U still struggle and cry alone .

On the flip side, this is why loving oneself is a necessity

MizMyColi:



‎Wo Krystal

The angel that will bless you is right before you.
Heaping blessings upon blessings upon you.

Yes, there are angels walking amongst us.
They are not picture perfect but I bless God for the miracle and blessing these transient beings are.
‎
I've always had this mindset that my positive experiences are worth nothing if I cannot impact them in others.
If I am joyful and you're always around me without catching or showing symptoms of joyfulness, then something is wrong.
It is either I'm self conceited or you're simply resistant to change. I don't even need to try hard.
It's contagious.‎

The fact that I do not set out to change anyone does not mean I cannot be a catalyst to positive change that endures....in the life of those close to me.

Finally, you have given me words to express the missing link....which I referred to in Ramdeuter's and mindfulness' posts.

Thank You!
Thanks again.
You captured it.

I'm sorry to say this but anyone who reads this post and still thinks otherwise on the issue being deliberated here is simply being self-conceited.‎

‎

Kimoni:


Crackhaus, whisper it to my ears my ears and mine alone...I don't kiss and tell

pickabeau1:
This thread should be called philosophy of love

See theories jamming axioms

Idowuogbo:

Abeg na battle of epistles o jare.. stale news!

cococandy:
My sister in law just recently lost her job in ecobank NIGERIA because she had a baby.
They don't have time for maternity leave. I don't know of it was because she's a contract staff or what.
Same thing with my aunty of late memory. (May she RIP.) She was sacked after she had a baby by the private company she was working for.

I just dey pity her ( that my sis-in-law) but she was the one advising me to curb my support for feminists as they have 'ruined' America.

I'm wondering what kind of security her anti-feminism has been able to achieve for Nigerian women.

Here you can't sack a woman because she had a baby. Pregnant and nursing feminists will come park in front of your company and you will be on the news for so long the damage control will make you grow white hair.

MizMyColi:


Cheeeiiiii!!!
You're even more brutal than I am!

Y'know what?
I owe you a holy kiss ---> in 2019...When PDP wins the presidency

SUGARBEE:


Spot on babe..
I was asking myself the other day if we all really knew the word "LOVE" but I guess we don't, in fact no one has ever apprehended it's true meaning...

It's not just a thing of the heart, neither is it when all things are fine and smooth..

Love for me is a decision to stay.. To stay when things are good and when things are bad... To stay when your husband or wife is inflicted with cancer for over ten years.. To stay when your husband can't afford to pay the bills any longer owing to his present circumstances...

Love love love we just say it like we breath in air whearas we don't even know anything about it

Cc, lalasticlala