Dear Demetria: 

A friend is considering proposing to her boyfriend. I am against it, not because of gender roles but because a man will commit to you when he is good and ready. How do you feel about women proposing to men? —Anonymous 

Demetria: In theory, I’m not against women proposing to their boyfriends. I was once a girlfriend who discussed marriage with her significant other and was anticipating a ring. It did trouble me that because I chose to abide by tradition, the entire timeline of the future we were planning together was being determined by him.


I was wondering and waiting and hoping for a ring while he was the one with the option to take action. It was one of the few times in my life when I didn’t feel like I was being an active participant in it. For women who feel a similar way, I absolutely understand why they would take the initiative to propose. 

That said, I never considered proposing. I consider myself a modern woman, but in many ways I’m very old-school, and I like the idea (and romance) of a man going after what he wants and doing the asking—whether it be a first date or proposing marriage. It seemed contradictory to me to want a man who is a leader and then not let him lead by asking him to marry me. For women who want a leader type of spouse—and not every woman does—I wouldn’t recommend proposing. 

But those are my thoughts. What really matters most here is how guys think about this scenario, since sometimes they are the ones being asked the big question. I asked several what they thought about being proposed to by a woman, and I’m glad I did. I’d guessed that most would find the idea emasculating, but many of the men who shared their thoughts—on the condition of anonymity— weren’t turned off. 

“Women talk about ‘leaning in’ and all this empowerment stuff, yet sit around and wait and hope that their man proposes to them is the most ass-backwards thinking around,” one man responded. “You champion liberation and equality, yet feel that it’s a man’s place to propose because ‘that’s the way it should be; that’s the way it’s always been.’”

Another gentleman echoed similar sentiments: “If we’re in a mutual relationship and heading in that direction, why shouldn’t either one be able to propose the next step? I think this is another vestige of our society’s paternalistic approach to relationships. My manhood would not be threatened by this.”
He added, “All of that said, if you never in all the time we have been seeing each other reached for a dinner check, don’t all of a sudden get liberated.” 

But other guys weren’t so on board. In fact, they were adamantly opposed.  
“I would not want to be proposed to, and if I was, it would be indicative of a bigger problem,” one man responded. “I’d wonder if she thinks I’m a bitch, if she thinks I pussyfoot around, if she thinks she has to take control of a situation. All of that epitomizes emasculation. These are not ideas that I want my wife to have in her head about me.”

Most of the men who responded implored women to wait for a proposal. “There’s something to be said for some traditions,” one man said. “Let us have this one, please.”
The biggest reason? Your man’s not proposing is a sign that he isn’t prepared to or, worse: You aren’t the one. 
“The fact that I have not yet proposed means that I’m not ready,” said another man. “Saying yes to her proposal would be a decision based on emotion [not wanting her to feel bad] rather than logic and principle.”

Yet another man said a proposal from his lady would be a huge turnoff: "Thirsty and weak,” he began. “Those are the qualities that I don’t want in a wife. If my current proposed to me, I would feel bad for her and wonder how did it get to the point where she is so desperate. If she’s proposing instead of me, then I must have doubts about her candidacy as a wife.” 

My take? If a woman is seriously considering proposing, she should communicate with her partner to see how he feels about that and base her decision on whether he’s flattered or appalled by it. (My husband wandered into the room as I was writing this. I asked him about me proposing to him. His response? “Hell no!” and a sideways glance before walking back out.)

For the women who decide to go this route, I have only one request: If you’re going to get on one knee to propose, wear pants. Or just stand in your dress or skirt. This may be a petty thing to harp on, but I’ve seen so many viral videos of proposals that depict women on the ground in a skirt, and I’m always more put off by the flash of undies than the idea of a woman asking a man to marry her. Being nontraditional doesn’t mean compromising class.

Demetria Lucas D’Oyley is a contributing editor at The Root, a life coach and the author of Don’t Waste Your Pretty: The Go-to Guide for Making Smarter Decisions in Life & Love as well as A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. She answers your dating and relationship questions on The Root each week. Feel free to ask anything at askdemetria@theroot.com.

ladyF:
Propose to a man ke?

U will become the breadwinner lol. She shouldn't o. If he loved her enough, he should be the one proposing. Else he not just that into you!! Move on!

pickabeau1:


Ladies thoughts?

I will like to hear from the modern women
MizMyColi freecocoa Kimoni edwife ewuro4 Sugarbee misssclassy Ujsizzle Tohpahz

edwife:
Nah,not for me.

I love being a woman in every form of the word beside i might be a modern woman but still old school.

I was wondering and waiting and hoping for a ring while he was the one with the option to take action. It was one of the few times in my life when I didn’t feel like I was being an active participant in it. For women who feel a similar way, I absolutely understand why they would take the initiative to propose.

Therefore a man shall be pulled by his wife to leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

pickabeau1:


Did u notice this line from her response... hating having to wait on the man to determine the course of the relationship
funny it reminded me of freecocoa...

edwife:



I have watched a reality show where a woman dated the man for 7 years and decided to propose because he wasn't.

Gosh i don't wanna be in that position,the guy didn't just let her know that he wanted it that way and he believed that she was on the same page with him,because she never brought up the discussion about them getting hitched.

She had no option than to break up with him.For me it's simple really,put a time frame to years you can date someone and if the time expires,discuss with them from there you can easily know the next step to take.

Would love to read from frecocoa....it will be interesting.

pickabeau1:


Interesting.. but this begs another question

Why bother with a name and a ring
These are modern times..
Do modern women need an 'archaic' institution to feel fulfilled

edwife:


I don't know for others but for me it is necessary,who doesn't want to be the queen of her own castle? I know i want.

tearoses:
According to Nollywood, Women propose all the time . . . .they are just subtle about it
Babe when will you meet my parents
Babe what are your plans for me
Babe I hope you are not wasting my time
All equal indirect proposal

pickabeau1:
edwife
Corrected

what a man can do...

MizMyColi:
Hands down.
Feet down.

It's a Big NO NO.

donephi:


No No?
Do we still have people of the medieval period
I guess you dnt belong there.
What's your turnoff as regards that?
Hi mizmycoli
How did your day come?

Not bad at all.
Thanks.
Yours?

Well, I do not support the idea.
If he loves me enough to wanna make a life with me, then he should do so formally.
He is supposed to lead me, right?
Abi, is it my surname the children will bear

See, I don't support this idea of ladies asking guys out or going out of their way to prove themselves.

It is good for a lady to maintain her lane, and see how serious the guy is. Then she can now bring herself to love up on him.

If he shows signs of manipulation or unseriousness....

NEXT!!!!

MizMyColi:


Not bad at all.
Thanks.
Yours?

Well, I do not support the idea.
If he loves me enough to wanna make a life with me, then he should do so formally.
He is supposed to lead me, right?
Abi, is it my surname the children will bear

See, I don't support this idea of ladies asking guys out or going out of their way to prove themselves.

It is good for a lady to maintain her lane, and see how serious the guy is. Then she can now bring herself to love up on him.

If he shows signs of manipulation or unseriousness....

NEXT!!!!

pickabeau1:


Did u notice this line from her response... hating having to wait on the man to determine the course of the relationship
funny it reminded me of freecocoa...

cococandy:
Obviously it depends on the man in question.
After dating him for a while, you'd know if he's the type to be put off by such things or not.
Needless to say it would be foolhardy to propose to guy who you know isn't open to such.

But if you're not sure, then putting it out there is better than hanging in limbo without knowing where the relationship is going.

If he says no, what's left to do than move onto the next person.

freecocoa:
I think if he can be put off by such, then he is not the one. That's for women like myself anyways.

donephi:


Are there men of such?
Well then there is more to it than just that.