You know what you want, but perhaps the guy you've
been seeing hasn't expressed a similar sentiment, so
it's time to initiate the dreaded "Are we exclusive?"
conversation. You're scared, you're nervous—and
then the worst happens: You get a solid, unequivocal
"No." Ouch.
"It's such a vulnerable place," commiserates Brandy
Engler, Ph.D., psychologist and author of The Women
on My Couch. "So the story you tell yourself about
why he said no is very important." Here's how to
swing that narrative in your favor.
"If you're feeling insecure, you may think of all your
flaws and blame yourself for not being good
enough," says Engler. "If you're angry, you may
blame him—'he's just a player, a jerk.'" In
psychologist speak, that's called emotional
reasoning: "When you don't see the objective story.
You only see through the lens of your immediate
emotional experience, and you make a bunch of
judgments that end up becoming a larger narrative
about you, men and relationships," explains Engler.
Your ego is understandably bruised. But now's not
the time to rush to rash rationalizations. "It's
important to feel the sting of disappointment, of
unrequited feelings of desire, and not getting the
validation you wanted," Engler says. "It's a good
reminder that world will not give us consistent
validation— that we are lovable, sexy, good enough
—and when that hurts we can provide validation to
ourselves."
In other words, "You simply nurse the wound with
loving-kindness directed toward yourself," she
explains. "Do this instead of getting outraged that he
didn't give you what you wanted. It's OK to feel the
sting. Feel it, but stay openhearted. Take the half hour
you need to sit with your feelings and breathe. Gently
smile and honor that you're wounded, then say a
firm affirming statements. That practice, that
goodwill toward yourself, helps heal the hurt much
faster."
What you don't want to do is what most people allow
to happen: "Most people start putting their guard up
and re-enter the dating world from this closed
position," Engler says. "They will not find passion this
way. This is all about making peace with the
capriciousness of attraction, making peace with pain,
making peace with your ego."
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