lizzy A:

My husband told me dat he will allow me 2 be in total charge of my salary if i can tell him wat i want 2 use money for apart frm sendind money 2 my folks or doing my monthly personal shopping,and i told him dat,i might want 2 buy a land and start building my own house and he said its only a woman dat has d  plan 2 divorce in d future dat needs 2 build her  own personal house since d husband has a house already,my question now is, 


is it proper 4 a woman to build her own house,if her husband have one already.

or wat can a woman do wit her salary dat makes sense apart frm buying clothes.PLS DONT MIND MY BAD TYPING AM JUST LEARNING,GOD BLESS.

No its not proper from the nigerian context,we live in a patrilineal society. . .
But if u suspect he's up to something,by all means do it secretly,I wouldn't like it if you were my wife however.

you must be sincer with yourself and ask yourself, why do you want to build a house when your husband already has one.? other investment will be better for both of you. what ever you do in life, you should have the support of your husband. this is africa my sister and even if your intentions are genuine, it will definately be misinterpretated.

lizzy A:

That was before,no more beating atleast for d main time becos our shifts is diff so we dont see each other frequently,he has been on night shift while i have been on morning shift.

.

lizzy A:

yes,he has his own house,is not even one but he made me 2 have dis idea of starting something like dat too but he always said dat am too young 2 start thinking of a house.Dat all i need is too dedicate all to our relationship but his anger do scare me atimes.

What? He beats you//?

Please start your foundation urgently or at least invest in shares

This guy beats her like an animal didn't he break your arm or was it your fucking collarbone?

Omo better start building fast fast. But you need to travel to Naija frequently to check the progress that Monster wont allow you to travel I'm sure.

A MARRIAGE IS MEANT TO STRENGTHEN BOTH PARTIES INDIVIDUALLY AND TOGETHER

shebi you had a life/family/plans/responsibilities when you met him? i think ideally you should get his support, but if he proves difficult - then let him know you will do it because it means that much to you - if he can not support you, then better. if he can not, then you will do it for the sake of your children and self worth

Not all women like 'living off' their husbands - because when he changes his mind and wants you no more - you are left on the streets - reassure him it is not a divorce you are praying for - but somewhere your children and your family can seek refuge. why have 3houses when you can have 4? and will he say no to your efforts because he doesn't want you to be that independent?

what some men fail to udnerstand is that A WOMAN WHO IS WITH YOU WHEN SHE HAS OPTIONS, MEANS SHE LOVES YOU AND WILL BE LOYAL FOREEVER - THAN A WOMAN WHO IS WITH YOU, BECAUSE SHE HAS NO WHERE ELSE TO GO - that is an unhappy marriage, and as long as you conitnue being a good wife to him after the house is completed - then he should be more secure in his position in your life - not more insecured!!

Lets be realistic here. This is Nigeria. We have a lot of married men with egos larger than the African Continent. They will see it as an affront to their marriage and status but there are ways out of it to suit the women to eat her cake and have it.

Generally being in the property business, i see these issues every now and then and what i advise my female clients to do is thus:

1. Yes you can build a house but to keep the family together, you need to make it a commercial building i.e a 4 bedroom flat to collect rent and make the husband happy that you are collecting income to support the family. The deed should be written in HER name alone or better still in the names of her children because thats the second best legacy she can leave for them after education.

2. Secondly, she can pool resources with her husband to build a house and makes sure the deed is written as Mr and Mrs Lagbaja, so that in case the husband gets nasty tomorrow, he cannot sell the house without her consent since two of them jointly own it and the worst case scenario is that they sell the house and split the money and everyone is happy.

The only snag about this is that the woman usually suffers the brunt from an abusive husband who will do anything to cajole her to sell it or sign her name to give away the property hence when such a situation happens, she should consult a lawyer to adequately protect her interests and she shouldnt be ashamed to look for one or be scared because the husband would have also consulted his lawyer to make sure things go smoothly in his favour.

These are the 2 major ways a woman can become a landlady and be stable in her marriage in Nigeria and loads of women follow this style.

Cheers

I can’t think of any reason why woman can’t build her own house in Nigeria if she’s capable of doing so but just make sure it’s with your husband’s blessing. Both of you need to consent to it to avoid any future problem. He might want to convince you of another way to use the fund but somehow I believe wise women have their own way of getting what they want even when we don’t totally agree with it. Any man should be proud of a woman with such idea and not slain her. It takes two in a marriage to make such decision though but in 2009, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it if you can afford it. Just don’t do it without telling him if you are both still madly in love except if you think you both have no future together and this is all about planning your escape route
Good luck!

@ topic

The house (or future houses) will go to your children and not your husband.Whatever you do now on investments should not be seen as competition with ur man(contrary to what men think) but as investments for ur kids.

U can use my mum as an example, she has many houses and plots of land in different locations and she tells us often that she did all these for her children.Not that my Dad doesnt have more houses than she does and not that my Dad has a second wife, but becos of the mutual respect they have for each other.And they have lived together for over 35 yrs now.

we are all even reaping from these investments already.

Hope U understand better now, so let your man understand this too and move on with ur plans!


Cheers!

@ Ebila
You are a real man !
@ OP
Please do'nt do it without your hussy's consent ,you can as well put d money in a FDA

Me thinks your husband is insecure , (that's topic for another day)
Anyway just make him feel like you are his maga, by saying things like its for HIS children's future.
and that you can never achieve such a big aim without his help and support.

If i were in shoes sha oh i wwould have started the story by asking my husband to buy or build me a house for love sake,at least i will be enjoying the rent,then when he shouts GOLD DIGGER i will then take another turn of that  OK  Honey, every month i will be surrendering 85% of my salary to the house and you will be supporting me with the rest and when his friends say how far , i will publise it to the world that its my Valentine present from my loving husband.
#
You will see as his head will swell up like Garri ifo,
Majorly men love helpless women , but i cannot advise you to build house behind your Oga o except you are planning to serve him expiration note ( divorce letter) remember old age can be lonely it takes wisdom to stay married, its not automatic o!


Cunny man die cunny man bury am

Your Husband obviously has issues. He is deeply insucure, any man that would beat his wife needs to get his head checked. What scares me is the fact that you say he does not beat you anymore not because he is repentant but because your contact with him is minimal.
Your husband does not want you to build a house because he is insecure and a control freak soryy to say but i hope he does not kill b you soon

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm,

@topic

there is nothing worng in building ur own house
but get the consent of ur hussy,

but lemme ask u a question
at what point do u intend living in dat house??

//

Damn You Michael Bay!

WHY NOT!!!!

If you have the means GO AHEAD and do it and do it again if I were you.  Obviously, your husband is a very insecure and controlling man.  By brothers were like that.  Being the first daughter of the family my father gave me a piece of land to build on, and my brothers objected saying that I am a woman and that made me not only mad but more determined to put on a MASSIVE AND BEAUTIFUL HOME in my fathers compound and it's still standing there as I type this.  Afterall, I am still my father's daughter - marriage or not and therefore, entitled to any gift my father gave me and no one, I mean no one should take my BIRTH RIGHT simply because, I am a woman. The brothers who objected to that, now, tell me who lives there as I am living in the West?  My nephews and nieces - their children and it makes me very happy indeed when I return home.  It is a happy home at Christman/Easter I can assure you.  
For that reason, I thank God my father is enlightened and still alive.  To my father both his sons and daughters are treated equally, there are 11 of us (6 boys and 5 girls) and no one is superio to the others. Don't let any man restrict or be a hinderance to your progress. Remember, there will always be enemies of progess any where you go and your job is to stop them in their tracks. God has given you the gift - intelligence, talents, skills and blessings, my dear use it and use it QUICK before satan and his disciples put doubts in your mind by telling you it is not normal.  It is absolutely NORMAL because, you are not only achieving this for the so called ignorant husband but also, for your children and the entire family.  If for no one else, do it for your KIDS.  GOOD LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Infact if you can afford it , build 100 houses.
Don't mind him as long as you are doing so with the family in mind.(He probably just wants to be sure it's for 'US' )

Some men become emasculated when the wife starts to make more money.

My dear  have a good discussion  with him about it and go ahead and build regardless.

Tomorrow he will be the one balancing in the living room with a plate of peppersoup and no shirt,watching chelsea beat arsenal again


I no fit laugh abeg

@ everybody,thanks alot God bless u all.

imo, every married Nigerian woman should have her own house (in Nigeria) as long as the funds are available. It could be a rental property.

If the husband feels his wife will disrespect him if she builds a house, then he should build one for her and put her name on the deed.

I'm referring to normal marriage relationships oh, not those ones where the husband and wife are constantly seeking each other's downfall.

imo, every married Nigerian woman should have her own house (in Nigeria) as long as the funds are available. It could be a rental property.

If the husband feels his wife will disrespect him if she builds a house, then he should build one for her and put her name on the deed.

I'm referring to normal marriage relationships oh, not those ones where the husband and wife are constantly seeking each other's downfall.

Damn You Michael Bay!

//

chaircover:

May I ask why?

just my opinion. It doesnt mean she's planning to leave her husband.

hackney:

Infact if you can afford it , build 100 houses.
Don't mind him as long as you are doing so with the family in mind.(He probably just wants to be sure it's for 'US' )

Some men become emasculated when the wife starts to make more money.

My dear  have a good discussion  with him about it and go ahead and build regardless.

Tomorrow  he will be the one balancing in the living room with a plate of peppersoup and no shirt,watching  chelsea beat arsenal again

I no fit laugh abeg

Hackney, God bless you my brother for saying the truth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Love a man with consideration and understanding - What's your wife's, is yours and vice versa - isn't it?  Good man!!!!!

//

Build, but in your husband,s name. If u really know that he owns everything about you.

coollove:

Build, but in your husband,s name. If u really know that he owns everything about you.

lizzy A:

That was before,no more beating atleast for d main time becos our shifts is diff so we dont see each other frequently,he has been on night shift while i have been on morning shift.

Hey, young lady!!! Listen to me!  This is a violent man and you don't need to be with him.
The next time he lays his fingers on you, kick him out, ok!  You deserve better than that.  
You are a beautiful woman and should not take that sh-t from any son of ADAM.  

No one has a right to lay the smallest finger on their right or left hand in ANGER on any animal let alone a MATURE HUMAN BEING, you are. He has violeted you on several occasions and you think this is normal This man obviously has an issue that needs to be sorted out else, he would end up in JAIL FOR A VERY LONG TIME.  He does not love you and if he does, he won't hurt you by any standards.  Therefore, for the sake of FAMILY UNITY, give him his last warning about his physical abuses towards you and please, don't take no for an answer and don't let him mesmerise you with his charming ways because, that's how such men behave - one of their tricks to keep women tied up to them forever.  Because, women are emotional beings, such men presses the emotional buttons to keep you tied to them.  You can do better than this, baby!!  He must change and be seen to have changed for you to continue your role as his wife.  There are so many decent guys out there looking for a decent wife and they would have you like a FLASH OF LIGHT - faaaaaaaaaaast!!!!!!!  Warn him, this is not an acceptable behaviour in the 21st Century else, he will kill you and before you go please, think of your children/family.

Your hussy must be from the planet where they still believe women are inferior to men and he is insecure. For so many reasons there is nothing wrong in building ur own house,no one knows what tomorrow hold.today you are married do you know whats going to happen in the future.If it is wrong for you to build ur own house then it has to be wrong for your hussy as well.

chaircover:

Maybe I'm being thick but sorry I am not just getting it.

If the marriage is hunky dory & with no trust or other negative fundamental issues then why must a woman build independently of the husband? why cant they build their 1001 houses jointly together?

Hi, you see, we don't live in an ideal world, do we

This lady's story is enough to tell anyone that all is not that well at home.  Everyone knows that most marriages have issues yet, people try their best to keep it, but for how long?

Based on her request for advice on here, there's nothing wrong in working in partnership with your husband/wife.  No one is advising her to do that on her husbands back and she obviously, does not intend to hence all her consultations with him. Hey, the man had other excuses for her, why  Is her achievement not for the two of them  HEY, THIS TRAIN IN ON FULL SPEED AND YOU'RE TRYING TO STOP IT  Baby I'm heading off - CATCH ME IF YOU CAN! Its obvious that this man is preventing her from progressing and it does not seem he, himself is an achieving/ambitious type either.  Well to that, I say if you are not, give way and support those who are - for you never know where your blessings might come from.

It seems to me that some people are sympathetic that it would bruise the man's ego - why would it? If the man is insecure well, let him do something about it.  Intelligent men would welcome this idea.  There are many men all over the world married to rich and influencial women and still happy they did.  For example, the Duke of Edinburgh married the Queen, the late Denis Thatcher married Margaret Thatcher - the Iron Lady, remember!! American President, Obama met and married his mentor now, his wife - Michelle. Now, tell me, what's this fuss about this male EGO problems?  You see, when you think you are the first to do something remember, others have been there before you.
Let the young lady go ahead with her plans, her husband could met up with her, when he finally realised what he's got.

Maybe I'm being thick but sorry I am not just getting it.

If the marriage is hunky dory & with no trust or other negative fundamental issues then why must a woman build independently of the husband? why cant they build their 1001 houses jointly together?

If there's no mistrust issues in the relationship, nothing wrong with it, imo.

Foresight in this instance is for the future. Rich polygamous men do it all the time- they give their mistresses, wives and concubines landed property.

To me, its just like buying your wife a car with her name on the title- its hers but at the same time it belongs to both of you.

coollove:

Build, but in your husband,s name. If u really know that he owns everything about you.

No, I disagree with you! 

He does not own her.  He only shares in what she has achieved, likewise her e.g. this property she is thinking of building is one of them.  Nobody owns anyone these day as we are all individuals in our own rights, ok!