EnlightenedSoul:


What's wrong in her buying land with her father, alone, or with anyone else for that matter? And what's the essence of the husband's consent in this context? Did they con the man out of his money or something?

Welcome to Africa

Howdy... It's been a while

Miami11:
I have bought one land without hubbys knowledge and it will remain like that

Iam in the process of finish acquiring a second one. - this lands are my personal security in case hubby kicks me and my kids out, in case he marries another woman, shit happens, we live in a real world.

My hubby has three in his own name not mine, what if anything happens to him and his family takes everything I'm I going to be mumu to start from zero suffering,

Since you said hubby has 3 in his name meaning you are aware he got them. Not against you buying in your name since he got his with his name. But did you equally inform him about yours?

Let's not make our spouse seem like a stranger in our matrimonial home. You made a valid point on why you got the land in your name, so why not outline same reasons and fears to your hubby and ensure things are straight in your home

Acidosis:
Very very very wrong.

I won't accept that from my wife. Reason being that my partner whom I'm yet to take to the altar could not embark on a similar project without seeking my consent and my permission.


Even if the husband is as poor as a church rat, he still deserves that principal respect.

Some of the questions I would like to ask her include:

1. What's the land for? is it a gift to her dad?
2. How will you react if I get a car for my mother without your consent?
3. Who proposed the idea of getting a land? Wife or Father?


Her response would guide me on the next step to take.

So if u don't permit her to buy a land, she can't? U will still permit her to have money ooooo.

dikeigbo2:
It's absolutely wrong, any woman (wife) that engages in such act doesn't value marriage...... She is just managing and deceiving the husband...... To hell with such a wife

U know how many the husband don hide from her?? If they were to be in one accord, that will not happen. So many people are managing their marriage. Hence everybody do what u like. Na outsiders still dey see them as husband n wife, but to them, they are flatmates.

Miami11:
I have bought one land without hubbys knowledge and it will remain like that

Iam in the process of finish acquiring a second one. - this lands are my personal security in case hubby kicks me and my kids out, in case he marries another woman, shit happens, we live in a real world.

My hubby has three in his own name not mine, what if anything happens to him hand his family takes everything I'm I going to be mumu to start from zero suffering,

I love smart ladies. I want to have this kind of heart. God help me. My mum learnt too late.

bennyrazz:
Hubby should not worry, he should start doing stuff without the consent of his wife.

u know weda na him start am ??

thelish:

So if u don't permit her to buy a land, she can't? U will still permit her to have money ooooo.

Yes

I'm the one on ground and manager of all of our assets. I have bought lands in my maiden name, husbands name, children's names and Ofcourse our names. I NEVER seek his permission BEFORE I do so but I TELL him afterwards or in the course of doing so. Keyword here is telling : seek for his advisory or financial support He trusts my judgement and decisions and it works for us.

No hard and fast rule,IMO. Critically examine your marriage condition and do what's best for you and your family.

Love with your all your heart but never lose your head.

temi4fash:
To me, it depends on the dynamics of the marriage. No two marriages are the same but any marriage in which one or both parties are not looking for ways to better each other lifes is not marriage in the first place. It is staying together.

If these ever happens in what I believe to be called marriage, I believe they're not married, they are just room mates.

Looking at situation critically, you should begin to ask questions, if he is still interested in the marriage he should probably sit her down and ask questions cos if he does not the marriage would never remain the same..

Let me tag men from the men's thread

TV01
Pickbeau1
Netotse
NashvileTN
Bellong

The host of others...

Lots of fast food advice from people with burger marriages or no marriages at all. Some people don't grasp the fullness of marriage, and as a result cannot give advice aspirationally. It's the kind of thread that leaves me wondering. For the sake of the wanna-weds and those that will hear sha.

I have spoken about how I believe marriage at it's best is a comprehensive spiritually, and physical union. For example here; https://www.nairaland.com/2789558/uk-divorce-court-awards-woman/2#40866411

Some may well have a more "transactional" approach to marriage - as long as they fulfill the criteria for marriage, I won't quibble - once qualified, people are free to determine the dynamic of their individual unions. I said that here; https://www.nairaland.com/2789558/uk-divorce-court-awards-woman/3#40874114

Such people may see nothing wrong with what this woman has done, possibly even laud it as "smart". But for those that subscribe to "fullness", this can only be considered a colossal fail.

Taken without regard to anything else, this is at best utterly disrespectful of her husband and seriously undermines him - making him easily challenged, if not held in contempt by his inlaws. It weakens the marriage bond.

If he indeed has assets in his name only, the first push should be for him to include his wife as co-owner based on the "spousal interest" principle, not a tit for tat move in order to prove a point.

And at least she knows about such assets. At best, this secretive action will only widen the gap between them and doubling down on any mistrust.

It could even lead to inheritance issues; if she passes away, how is she sure her undisclosed assets will pass to her children? I wonder where Nigerian law stands onthis kind of question?

Whether you term it permission, consent, agreement, discussion, understanding etc., I'm not sure how doing it without letting him know can be predicated on anything other than ill-motivated reasons.

To me, fullness suggests the very idea of investing in anything is raised and discussed, before we ever get to the point of acting - at which point we are already in agreement and jointly own both idea and action.

These transactional, separate (and undisclosed) asset type approaches reek of cynicism and a falling out of love, or failing to understand the marriage ideal. Very sad, as in some ways, while retaining the marriage form, a lot of benefits from marriage will ultimately be lost due to the increasing break-downs this kind of approach will engender.

Haute cuisine anyone?

TV

cococandy:
exactly.
Wisdom is profitable to direct.

Like husband like wife.

Gbam

Onegai:


For this comment, you are entitled to one chilled Gulder, with a plate of chicken suya. Also go to the nearest fabric store and collect one lace on my account.

On my way to collect my goodies.

Well done fem29

Acidosis:
I'm beginning to think marriage is a scam

At all, there are simply too many scammers using marriage as a cloak

fem29:
Yes it would be nice, in an ideal world of your wife to discuss with you openly and if she doesn't, you need to ask yourself and her why she doesn't feel comfortable discussing it with you

fem29:
I understand that sometimes the husband as the head has to have the final say, but you must always carry your wife along and make sure that all decisions you make are for the good of the family

Blatantly contradictory.

Mindfulness:

1. It is an investment in the future.
2. How is it my business?
3. It was my idea.

What do you want to do now?

You would plan "your" future, without recourse to the one you wedded your future too?
Because as wedded, major financial expenditure should be discussed and agreed, and always advised.
It would be a bad idea by any spouse - worse to do it with a 3rd party.
People with understanding do their "doing" ahead of marriage, not during or after it !

Mindfulness:
I agree with you that it is much better to share such information in a marriage. However, our advice is not always needed. At times it is enough to rejoice in our spouses's eagerness regarding something that s(he) is sure is the right decision to do.

Please explain how one celebrates something with their spouse which they do not know about. Or ss this one of the signs and wonders of your faith !

Mindfulness:
What is the difference between 'spousal separation' and divorce?

Mindfulness:
Whether you divorce your wife or separate from her, without going through the process of divorce, the end result is the same, is it not?

As in, doesn't get marriage, not married !


TV

TV01:


You would plan "your" future, without recourse to the one you wedded your future too?
Because as wedded, major financial expenditure should be discussed and agreed, and always advised.
It would be a bad idea by any spouse - worse to do it with a 3rd party.
People with understanding do their "doing" ahead of marriage, not during or after it !

What a major financial expenditure is, is relative.

Please explain how one celebrates something with their spouse which they do not know about. Or ss this one of the signs and wonders of your faith !

I know that you love taking comments out of their context to pretend that they don'T make sense. Tell me where you read that a spouse should celebrate something they don't know about.

As in, doesn't get marriage, not married !


TV

As in I don't care to respond to comments without sense.

.

Mindfulness:
What a major financial expenditure is, is relative.

As are disclosure, truth and of course feelings abi

Mindfulness:
I know that you love taking comments out of their context to pretend that they don'T make sense. Tell me where you read that a spouse should celebrate something they don't know about.

Out of context ke? If a couple are happy for one to forge ahead and act unilaterally, does that preclude mentioning what they are doing to each other? The OP clearly stated the secretive nature and hidden intent in question. Fail .

Mindfulness:
As in I don't care to respond to comments without sense.

As I've already told you, you have a co-habbing arangement which is both quantitively and qualititively different from mariage. It's not the same, equal, or as good, hence your "my money" approach. Your advice tends to fall short on marriage related threads - mainly because you are unable to make sense of marriage.


TV

The dissertation and thesis guys are here dropping their proposals and chapter one.

Watch out for the theoretical frameworks.



How do you people analyse a simple post to resemble a completed postdoctoral thesis? Gian!!!! Off to reddit.

babygirlfl:
Well done fem29

Thanks hun. Hopefully we can educate these mens without it turning into an argument

TV01:

As are disclosure, truth and of course feelings abi

Really?

Out of context ke? If a couple are happy for one to forge ahead and act unilaterally, does that preclude mentioning what they are doing to each other? The OP clearly stated the secretive nature and hidden intent in question. Fail .

And I have referred to it but we already know that you love to read selectively and take comments out of their context.

Now show me where I wrote that spouses should celebrate something they don't know about. I am waiting!

As I've already told you, you have a co-habbing arangement which is both quantitively and qualititively different from mariage. It's not the same, equal, or as good, hence your "my money" approach. Your advice tends to fall short on marriage related threads - mainly because you are unable to make sense of marriage.


TV

You have no idea how we handle fiances in our family so you better remain quiet on this since buying a land property is a major financial expenditure in your world.

thelish:


u know weda na him start am ??

if he started it then he got paid in his own coin

ifyalways:
I'm the one on ground and manager of all of our assets. I have bought lands in my maiden name, husbands name, children's names and Ofcourse our names. I NEVER seek his permission BEFORE I do so but I TELL him afterwards or in the course of doing so. Keyword here is telling : seek for his advisory or financial support He trusts my judgement and decisions and it works for us.

No hard and fast rule,IMO. Critically examine your marriage condition and do what's best for you and your family.

Love with your all your heart but never lose your head.

Very well said. Some people think that there is one fits all approach to marriage even though the individuals involved and their unique circumstances differ greatly and as a result must be handled accordingly.

jashar:
the bottom line of all this is TRUST.
I so strongly believe that marriage should be based on trust and sincere friendship. All this games being played by couples nowadays is because they know they can't trust their spouse.
I refuse to marry someone I can't trust.
What's the big deal in telling your spouse that you want to acquire a piece of property when you trust the person? Even if you want to put your children's name on the deed.

The big deal may be that the spouse does not want you to have properties in your name. The big deal may be that your spouse got properties in his name and you discovered it by chance. The big deal may be that trust has been broken. Not telling your spouse that you got a property is a symptom of other underlying issues.

As much as I agree with you that trust is important, I believe that making sure that you will be fine if your spouse leaves for one reason or another is more important. Your husband is a human being and you never know how he could change in the future or you for that matter.

All this talk about marriage is a spiritual union is crap. You were born alone and you will die alone. The spirit is free, always has and always will. You may be lucky to have a lifelong marriage but you have no guarantee. Always make sure that you can take care of your kids and yourself no matter what. I expect the same from my spouse. No dependency allowed in my marriage.

Miami11:
I have bought one land without hubbys knowledge and it will remain like that

Iam in the process of finish acquiring a second one. - this lands are my personal security in case hubby kicks me and my kids out, in case he marries another woman, shit happens, we live in a real world.

My hubby has three in his own name not mine, what if anything happens to him and his family takes everything I'm I going to be mumu to start from zero suffering,

I prefer your attitude to the gullible sort of thinking that your husband will always be there for you. There is no guarantee.
My husband knows what properties I have in my name and therefore he also knows that I have zero tolerance for any sort of rubbish.
Mutual respect and not dependency is what makes our marriage work perfectly.

If he decides to leave, I will let him go and love him unconditionally nonetheless as the father of our kids. He is not responsible for me and I do not depend on him for happiness or anything else. Each day in our marriage is a decision made out of love and appreciation rather than a duty and responsibility. I do not need anyone to force himself to stay with me due to any prescriptions. We would love for our marriage to remain as joyous as it is till death do us part but we will not imprison ourselves in eternal unhappiness when it is not longer possible.

Mindfulness:


The big deal may be that the spouse does not want you to have properties in your name. The big deal may be that your spouse got properties in his name and you discovered it by chance. The big deal may be that trust has been broken. Not telling your spouse that you got a property is a symptom of other underlying issues.

As much as I agree with you that trust is important, I believe that making sure that you will be fine if your spouse leaves for one reason or another is more important. Your husband is a human being and you never know how he could change in the future or you for that matter.

All this talk about marriage is a spiritual union is crap. You were born alone and you will die alone. The spirit is free, always has and always will. You may be lucky to have a lifelong marriage but you have no guarantee. Always make sure that you can take care of your kids and yourself no matter what. I expect the same from my spouse. No dependency allowed in my marriage.

OMG I could not have said it better. Absolutely right, we are born alone we die alone. I have realised that any one can do anything! . This man that you married with the best intentions and all the best hopes in the world may change. People are saying if you don't trust them don't marry them . Most people don't marry who they don't trust. Life happens!. You never know what a person will do when some certain things happen.

I have learnt to be responsible for my own emotional and phychological well being. I am working on the financial . You cannot put all your trust and your well being in someones hands. They are only human and are most likely going to let you down. Fact!. These are things people only learn by experience. You cannot explain it.

TV01:

At all, there are simply too many scammers using marriage as a cloak




Blatantly contradictory.


You would plan "your" future, without recourse to the one you wedded your future too?
Because as wedded, major financial expenditure should be discussed and agreed, and always advised.
It would be a bad idea by any spouse - worse to do it with a 3rd party.
People with understanding do their "doing" ahead of marriage, not during or after it !


Please explain how one celebrates something with their spouse which they do not know about. Or ss this one of the signs and wonders of your faith !




As in, doesn't get marriage, not married !


TV

I don't see what is contradictory there.

Everything in life is balance. Yes a husband is head but it doesn't mean he Lords it over you. Doesn't mean he takes the piss. It all hinges on mutual respect. I'm sorry but I'm not going to respect someone who doesn't respect me and who doesn't have me and my kids best interests at heart.
I was brought up by a momma who had hers. She had her property and my dad had his and they had one together. . She was naive at first and actually wanted to buy her properties in both their names but luckily for her one way or the other, the properties were put in her name only
. Thank God because when the shit hit the fan in their marriage, my dad took the property that was in both their names for himself.

Don't get me wrong I love my daddy, he was a very good dad, but he was a shite husband. He was only human
Shite happens.

fem29:


OMG I could not have said it better. Absolutely right, we are born alone we die alone. I have realised that any one can do anything! . This man that you married with the best intentions and all the best hopes in the world may change. People are saying if you don't trust them don't marry them . Most people don't marry who they don't trust. Life happens!. You never know what a person will do when some certain things happen.

You also do not know how you may change.

I have learnt to be responsible for my own emotional and phychological well being. I am working on the financial . You cannot put all your trust and your well being in someones hands. They are only human and are most likely going to let you down. Fact!. These are things people only learn by experience. You cannot explain it.

I disagree.

Mindfulness:


You also do not know how you may change.



I disagree.

Okk oo, dey dia

fem29:


Thanks hun. Hopefully we can educate these mens without it turning into an argument

Always welcome dear.

bennyrazz:
if he started it then he got paid in his own coin

yeah

There's absolutely nothing wrong with what the woman did. It's one of the many things you MUST do if you're married to a Nigerian man in Nigeria.

fem29:
I don't see what is contradictory there.

I actually agreed whole-heartedly with your second point. Indeed, I live it. I lead my home, but discuss pretty much everything with my wife.

I understand that sometimes the husband as the head has to have the final say, but you must always carry your wife along and make sure that all decisions you make are for the good of the family

There have been instances where something has been needed, but I haven't acted until my wife is comfortable with the course of action I propose. Am I taking permission? Of course not, but I love my wife and would be loath to act without her buy-in/agreement/acceptance - whatever you call it - even though I would if I had to.

This however is odd;

Yes it would be nice, in an ideal world of your wife to discuss with you openly and if she doesn't, you need to ask yourself and her why she doesn't feel comfortable discussing it with you

Whereas a husband should always endeavour to carry his wife along, if a wife doesn't, it's possibly a failure of leadership (the husband)?

I carry my "wife along", even when she is being - IMHO - slow, unthinking, unengaged. Misgivings do not excuse what is bad practice, the misgivings should be resolved beforehand, not used as an excuse for wrong action or to blame hubby for what he may not have control over. Kapeesh !


TV