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HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) - Romance - Nairaland

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HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RHEMAA: 10:28am On Dec 29, 2015
Good morning nairalanders. I won't say I am new on this forum, but I have been a keen observer of things as a guest. now to the issue.

I have a fiancee who we have been together for 3years now. She is a final year student of a polytechnic in Nigeria while I am also an undergraduate of a university. we don't see for months unless there is a holiday like this current yuletide break.
things have been going very well until she had a particular experience that is currently threatening the stability of our relationship. Some months ago, she was ambushed by a group of cultists on her way back from her friend's house (by 9:25pm), They dragged her forcefully to the thick bush where they hold their meetings and remove everything called clothes on her body. in the course of the forceful drag, she sustained bruises and some Injuries that left scars on her skin up till now. According to her, she was begging them to spare her life and let her go. They gave deaf ears to her profuse pleas and tried to take turns and rape her.
Luckily for her, she was on her period and that discouraged them. even at that, she said one of the cultist insisted he was going to have sex with her whether she is bleeding or not (as blood could be seen dripping down her thighs). In tears, she continued begging. The group leader then pierced her palm with a sharp object and sucked the blood that dripped out from the cut, he told her never to tell anyone what had happened in school else she will die. they took her undies and only gave her the gown to wear. In the deep of night, she walked home alone in tears and shiver from the bush path. she wasn't raped because she was on her period.


Now, the problem is, we met this break period and I tried to touched her. (not an attempt at sex. she is a virgin, we haven't had sex since we started dating) I tried to kiss her, but she started shivering, I held her close but she was so insensitive. I asked her what the problem was, she said as I held her, her memory went back to that experience she had and that she doesn't feel anything.

Please, this has been going on for sometime now, how do I help her? she says anytime I try to kiss her, the memory plays in her head and she goes cold. I love her so much. help me.

HELP!! Truckpusher, Decker, vixkiz, MrbrownJ, Brackett, Laveda, .. everyone, please help!



Lalasticlala... please, I need help, I would appreciate if it graces front page.

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Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 10:31am On Dec 29, 2015
First of all, my heart goes out to your girlfriend. I thank God she wasn't raped and she made it out alive.

What your girlfriend is going through is a post traumatic psychological response to what she suffered. The problem is not with you, she'd definitely react the same way to any guy who tries to touch her.

Most times, the aftermath of a rape encounter deals a hard blow on the mind and general psychology of women. It's understandable. But what you should do is give her some space, and by that I mean; don't try to engage her in any sexual activity, for now. Let her emotional and psychological wounds heal first. It might take time to heal, and you have to be patient. Don't rush her into anything now.

I would also advice that you see a psychologist that would guide her through this tough process and time in her life. She also needs you to be there by her side, so, in trying to give her space, and letting her wounds heal, don't stray too far, still always endeavor to be by her side. Let her know that you are always there to protect her no matter what. Give her that assurance and try to make her feel happy and secure always, and hopefully, with time, she will come through.

You could also advice her to peruse through the web, there are definitely websites or forums that deal specifically with people that have passed through similar rape cases. She can spend some time on these sites, read people's own experiences and how they handled theirs and maybe conversing with them. This could also help in speeding up the healing process.

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Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by utenwuson: 10:31am On Dec 29, 2015
u mustn't touch her since u guys re stl practising No sex parols! she need a counsellor! only u can do dt! keep ur cool n let her do d touching!
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 10:32am On Dec 29, 2015
cryWhoa! this is just Sad....

Anyways...I'm Glad she wasn't Really Rapèd..coz Judging from the way she's taking this one, It wouldn't make things any easier....

My Aunt was also Rapèd brutally tho...and she was just 14 then....it was sad, tragic n depressing... She isolated herself from people, felt somewhat ashamed n couldn't come to grisps with people touching her...this Happened for over 2years, Buh now? she's married, working and with beautiful kids!smiley

Rape victims/survivors often feel dirty, used or guilty... even though they shouldn't actually feel these things to begin with..

A large part of coping with being râped/molested is learning to again care for yourself after the traumatic event. The good thing's She'll be okay...But these things take time..To be honest? I think talking to someone about it(Not necessarily A psychologist) Would help With the healing process....

Curb the need to initiate any intimacy for now...Just pet, talk to her...let her open up to U n say her fears....

She'll be okay in no time! The trauma is all in the head, give it time...once she could control it mentally, She'll be perfectly okay!

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Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by jmaxjohn(m): 10:32am On Dec 29, 2015
Ask Google abeg.
No seriously, ask Google. We ain't psychologists

5 Likes

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Dinocarex(m): 10:33am On Dec 29, 2015
I think she is suffering from post traumatic stress.
I don't want to dive into the spiritual aspect yet...
She needs to see a Psychologist asap!!

1 Like

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RexKexMilann: 10:33am On Dec 29, 2015
I think All she needs Now is Constant "Soothing".

But If Symptoms Persist, Take her to A Psychologistundecided.
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 10:33am On Dec 29, 2015
This matter get K-leg o

5 Likes 1 Share

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by obiorathesubtle: 10:37am On Dec 29, 2015
Prayers..

Sickstars .. What do you think?
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RHEMAA: 10:39am On Dec 29, 2015
RexKexMilann:
I think All she needs Now is Constant "Soothing".


But If Symptoms Persist, Take her to A Psychologistundecided.
bro, I don't know any psychologist, How do I start? I am so worried because, with the way she shivered and said I should not touch her, it really made me worried.

2 Likes

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by misreal(m): 10:41am On Dec 29, 2015
Hmmmm...she needs time to heal. Stop trying to kiss a girl you are not married to Jorh.

5 Likes

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Margauxluv(f): 10:41am On Dec 29, 2015
Be patient wit her. cry
She wil still come to normal

2 Likes

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by MzPecs(f): 10:43am On Dec 29, 2015
Now, this is serious embarassed

1 Like

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RHEMAA: 10:45am On Dec 29, 2015
Margauxluv:
Be patient wit her. cry She wil still come to normal
I can be patient. But, how long do you think it Will take for her to be fine?
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 10:47am On Dec 29, 2015
PTSD. Let her see a shrink ASAP. she needs to get help and your continuous support ofcourse.

3 Likes

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RexKexMilann: 10:49am On Dec 29, 2015
RHEMAA:

bro, I don't know any psychologist, How do I start? I am so worried because, with the way she shivered and said I should not touch her, it really made me worried.
At This Point, You've Got to Put up with Her "Odd Demeanors" Because She's Gone Through Hell, literally.


All She needs Now is AFFECTION, Be By her Side AT ALL TIMES.


I still Suggest You Look For a Renowned Psychologist OR better Still, If You are a CHRISTIAN, Let GOD know about Itundecided.

Am sorry Bro, I don't Really know Much about "Issues" Like thisundecided.
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by 20bc(m): 10:49am On Dec 29, 2015
Both of you should watch horror movies together, that will trigger something in her, and when it does be there for her, she will get over it.....


Or better still, try And recreate that event and this time, apologize to her, beg her for forgiveness, bam both of you are back to your normal life of kissing without her shivering....

Good luck wink

2 Likes

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RHEMAA: 10:50am On Dec 29, 2015
Decker:
First of all, my heart goes to your girlfriend. I thank God she wasn't raped and she made it out alive.

What your girlfriend is going through is a post traumatic psychological response to what she suffered. The problem is not with you, she'd definitely react the same way to any guy who tries to touch her.

Most times, the aftermath of a rape encounter deals a hard blow on the mind and general psychology of women. It's understandable. But what you should do is give her some space. Let her emotional and psychological wounds heal first. It might take time to heal, and you have to be patient. Don't rush her into anything now.

I would also advice that you see a psychologist that would guide her through this tough process and time in her life. She also needs you to be there by her side, so, in trying to give her space, and letting her wounds heal, don't stray too far, still always endeavor to be by her side. Let her know that you are always there to protect her no matter what. Give her that assurance and try to make her feel happy and secure always, and hopefully, with time, she will come through.
Thank you very much sir Decker. It happened in May. How long do you think it will take? she feels sad that she turned me down after months we hadn't seen each other. at first, I thought she was just trying to push me away not until I saw her shiver. Then I became so worried. I hope the healing process won't take a lifetime. thank you.
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RHEMAA: 10:51am On Dec 29, 2015
Dinocarex:
I think she is suffering from post traumatic stress.
I don't want to dive into the spiritual aspect yet...
She needs to see a Psychologist asap!!
thank you. We both stay in Lagos. do you know any psychologist? help.

1 Like

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RHEMAA: 10:54am On Dec 29, 2015
RexKexMilann:
At This Point, You've Got to Put up with Her "Odd Demeanors" Because She's Gone Through Hell, literally.


All She needs Now is AFFECTION, Be By her Side AT ALL TIMES.


I still Suggest You Look For a Renowned Psychologist OR better Still, If You are a CHRISTIAN, Let GOD know about Itundecided.

Am sorry Bro, I don't Really know Much about "Issues" Like thisundecided.
Thank you for your piece of advise. I wholeheartedly appreciate .
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 10:55am On Dec 29, 2015
obiorathesubtle:
Prayers..


Sickstars .. What do you think?
Yes prayers
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 10:58am On Dec 29, 2015
RHEMAA:

Thank you very much sir Decker. It happened in May. How long do you think it will take? she feels sad that she turned me down after months we hadn't seen each other. at first, I thought she was just trying to push me away not until I saw her shiver. Then I became so worried. I hope the healing process won't take a lifetime. thank you.

To be honest with you, I don't know how long it's going to take. I have heard of cases where after being raped, the girl couldn't get over it all through her adulthood. However, I have still heard of cases where after few weeks the girl got over it.
So, it all depends on the how psychologically and emotionally strong the said girl is.

Everyone is wired differently psychologically. An experience that might just shake one's psychological wall or threshold as I like to put it, might tear down someone else's. And it might take a long time to build the wall back.
So I can't really predict how long it's going to take your girlfriend to get over this traumatic experience.

That's why I advice you both should go see a psychologist or therapist. They are professionals, and they have dealt with such cases in the past, so they are the ones that can render the best of help.

5 Likes

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by RexKexMilann: 11:00am On Dec 29, 2015
RHEMAA:

Thank you for your piece of advise. I wholeheartedly appreciate .
No Biggie Boss.


My Prayers & Goodwishes.
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by reservd(m): 11:02am On Dec 29, 2015
Decker:
First of all, my heart goes to your girlfriend. I thank God she wasn't raped and she made it out alive.

What your girlfriend is going through is a post traumatic psychological response to what she suffered. The problem is not with you, she'd definitely react the same way to any guy who tries to touch her.

Most times, the aftermath of a rape encounter deals a hard blow on the mind and general psychology of women. It's understandable. But what you should do is give her some space. Let her emotional and psychological wounds heal first. It might take time to heal, and you have to be patient. Don't rush her into anything now.

I would also advice that you see a psychologist that would guide her through this tough process and time in her life. She also needs you to be there by her side, so, in trying to give her space, and letting her wounds heal, don't stray too far, still always endeavor to be by her side. Let her know that you are always there to protect her no matter what. Give her that assurance and try to make her feel happy and secure always, and hopefully, with time, she will come through.
Bro, r u a relationship councellor?
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Laveda(f): 11:04am On Dec 29, 2015
Hard I must say..as I've never encountered any serious ish like this sad

Its really hard times for her now you know..what you have to do is constantly assuring her it wasn't her fault and she is not to blame for what happened....Reassure her you'll always be there for her...be on her side,give her time she's sure gonna recover from the trauma

And yeah see a psychologist

Goodluck.

1 Like

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 11:29am On Dec 29, 2015
reservd:

Bro, r u a relationship councellor?

No, I am not.

1 Like

Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by reservd(m): 11:31am On Dec 29, 2015
Decker:

No, I am not.
Interesting, I like ur point of view on issues I'v seen u comment on.
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Rone16(f): 11:32am On Dec 29, 2015
Eyahh Trauma.She could see a psychologist or you could just help her by exposing her to things that make her happy at all times so she'll forget everything.
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 11:36am On Dec 29, 2015
Literally start from the start. Hold her hand. Then build up to a hug. Literally take things on her pace. I know it's hard. Rape or any close encounter to rape is disgusting and it makes you feel dirty and sick in the inside. And it makes you second guess the intentions of everyone in your life. Be there for her. Don't try to get her talk about it. Don't pretend you understand. You don't. Do not pity her. If she tries to do things that are detrimental to her, don't lecture her. Honestly the only thing you can do is be there for her. Oh and she'll never ever overcome it. There's no overcoming. Just living. Try to assure her it wasn't her fault.

If there was a rape crisis group. They're better than psychologists cause it's people who have been through the same. Join those too! They really help. I wish you and her the very best of luck.

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Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by joliyp(f): 11:46am On Dec 29, 2015
just hold on to her you are the last hope she can ever trust for now!!! and pls avoid any form of intimate touch
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Nobody: 11:46am On Dec 29, 2015
reservd:

Interesting, I like ur point of view on issues I'v seen u comment on.

Oh... thanks.
Re: HELP! How Do I Help Her Overcome This Feeling. (please Come In) by Margauxluv(f): 11:50am On Dec 29, 2015
RHEMAA:

I can be patient. But, how long do you think it Will take for her to be fine?

I can't say.
Since u do love her try n undstnd ok
Some ppl dnt move on so fast.

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