Dyt:



Forgive me but this is funny
Sorry



Smh

Poster ignore this person, they say if you don't have anything to say shut the hell up!

Miami11:


Poster ignore this person, they say if you don't have anything to say shut the hell up!

Its allowed

But isn't it funny both of them hit themselves?

Well
Maybe its just me

liefdesverhaal:
She is adamant. The truth is I am a very religious person but I believe this situation requires practicality as much as wisdom.

The unfortunate thing is that We didn't court for long. Reason is that I was in a seven years of bitter long distance relationship that I wanted to end desperately and when she came along... I saw her as the best way to let go of the other person.

I saw some of this threat early(Three months later) but by then she was pregnant. I was worried but family and friends advice that things will be better after the delivery and marriage and I was not ready to have another child out of wedlock.

How do i get out of this quagmire?

You shouldn't get over someone by having anoda person...it never ends well...the period u were suppose to be single and get to know ur weaknesses and strengths and what you indeed need in a partner you spent it marrying someone you didn't know well...now u have to go back to square one.

Fast and pray for God's wisdom and guidance in dealing with these challenges you're facing. It might not be all that bad when yua done seeking the face of God. My 2kobo

Mindfulness:




If a spouse constantly irritates and aggrieves, then remove yourself from the situation instead of pushing a change that you can't push.

Lol.
Just like that?
Do you know the number of years spent building the marital relationship, the emotional investment involved, the emotional cost it will take to leave kids that have become a part of your life, that you love and cherish, kids you want to see grow up? Is the person such a demon that you would rather run than seek a solution to the problem?
No thanks. Will find a solution.

RiloKiley:

Lol.
Just like that?
Do you know the number of years spent building the marital relationship, the emotional investment involved, the emotional cost it will take to leave kids that have become a part of your life, that you love and cherish, kids you want to see grow up? Is the person such a demon that you would rather run than seek a solution to the problem?
No thanks. Will find a solution.

So she is not a demon after all? I thought there was nothing to be appreciated about her.

Mindfulness:


So she is not a demon after all? I thought there was nothing to be appreciated about her.

I sincerely doubt that was what he meant. The op has stated severally that he has flaws as well as she. However there are very serious problems that cannot just be ignored or overlooked. Surely there are other ways of handling these issues than "removing yourself from the situation"?

OP

As much as it might hurt you, Its either you take a strong stand, be more authoritative or leave the situation aka walk out completely

1. Some women have daddy issues in their life. And they react better to taking orders. They prefer to be lesser partners instead of equal partners. Your quest to make them equal partners would make them see you as weak. Since she is that type, I think you might need to be more authoritative. If you were in Nigeria this would be the right option

2. Given where you live, this option is the best. Simply walk out and leave. Why? because she would get you into trouble one day and big time trouble I mean.

I have seen this situation before in the life of a friend living in the US. the lady is exactly like your wife, she loves the life.. She likes to party, buy jewelry, she likes to fight in public, she has a crew of her party friends who party 3 times per weekend even all night atimes leaving the baby with a sitter all night or simply having the guy babysit at night. While the guy is someone who sits in the office trying to figure things out.

She also had a rough upbringing being tossed to one relative or the other, actually her mom was married 3 times and currently the mom isnt married, She usually mocks the guy as people from "Mr and Mrs" household

My friend once told her to lets start a savings scheme for their child, saying they should contribute to a fixed deposit and whatever she puts per month he would double it. She refused saying "The baby is an American, America would take care of him". For the baby's first birthday the guy suggested Disney vacation, she preferred a loud all night naija party. obviously she had her way when she turned it into a big fight

You would ask how did they marry without dating, well like your case she got pregnant. And later she told the guy that at a certain age when the guy doesnt propose, the girl too can "propose" aka get pregnant

Where are they today? they are long separated. Separated by the police after she has called 9-1-1 multiple times. She believes in the getting physical part.

The last confrontation the guy comes back from work she locks his shirt, he gets away from the grip takes his laptop to go upstairs she too the laptop and smashed it. the guy slapped her, she called the cops. 10mins later he is in handcuffs

It was the mercy of God that made the guy go free without a record(because he met a Hispanic officer who had been in a similar relationship before) but with a condition that he mustn't come 2miles anywhere of where she is

RiloKiley:

I sincerely doubt that was what he meant. The op has stated severally that he has flaws as well as she. However there are very serious problems that cannot just be ignored or overlooked. Surely there are other ways of handling these issues than "removing yourself from the situation"?

I read your piece of advice to him and I liked some of the points you have made there. The most important of them all is that you changed yourself instead of trying to change others. This is the only way forwards.

RiloKiley:

Lol.
Just like that?
Do you know the number of years spent building the marital relationship, the emotional investment involved, the emotional cost it will take to leave kids that have become a part of your life, that you love and cherish, kids you want to see grow up? Is the person such a demon that you would rather run than seek a solution to the problem?
No thanks. Will find a solution.

Given where the OP lives, NOT removing himself might end him in jail or with a criminal record. You know the wife dialling 911 after they fought could have ruined his life forever

Poster this is a hard situation,

I would say give her ultimatum, but again when you say this will result in physical fights I wouldn't insist.

Just act on your word, lay down a few rules, like, no fighting no verbal abuse and such, suggest how you want things run, if she does not comply do a simple trial separation, take three days away from home, got to a hotel or somewhere don't call, don't communicate unless she is willing to change or compromise,

One of my brothers is in such situation, because he was forced to marry a lady he made pregnant, lol.

raumdeuter:


Given where the OP lives, NOT removing himself might end him in jail or with a criminal record. You know the wife dialling 911 after they fought could have ruined his life forever

Hmmm.
I just read the other part where they fight.
He's having it rough. Honestly don't know what else to say.

Dyt:


Hello
Here's your worse ever nightmare
Muchechechecheche

what a stu.pid fellow.You are the most useless woman i have ever come across to.Exhibiting ur foolishness everywhere.
I am your nightmare u know why? even when i haven't quote u ,u jump 2 quote me everywhere.
U go quote tire and i will continue showing ur foolishness here.old woman acting like a child and dis one is someone mother.
*sighs*

nasha1:


what a stu.pid fellow.You are the most useless woman i have ever come across to.Exhibiting ur foolishness everywhere.
I am your nightmare u know why? even when i haven't quote u ,u jump 2 quote me everywhere.
U go quote tire and i will continue showing ur foolishness here.old woman acting like a child and dis one is someone mother.
*sighs*

Thank you, that Dyt is a nuisance, he does not advice but has a way of filling space and wasting Oga Seuns space with nonsence, he has no concept of anything going on, very annoying character, did you just say he was a woman. Why would a grown woman act like a child,

Miami11:


Thank you, that Dyt is a nuisance, he does not advice but has a way of filling space and wasting Oga Seuns space with nonsence, he has no concept of anything going on, very annoying character, did you just say he was a woman. Why would a grown woman act like a child,

That what happen when one has no moral virtue.she is a she,a noisy one at that.all she knows is gossips nd fooling around she is old,she old pass many women here,dat aunty fit reach 35.

nasha1:


what a stu.pid fellow.You are the most useless woman i have ever come across to.Exhibiting ur foolishness everywhere.
I am your nightmare u know why? even when i haven't quote u ,u jump 2 quote me everywhere.
U go quote tire and i will continue showing ur foolishness here.old woman acting like a child and dis one is someone mother.
*sighs*

Miami11:

Thank you, that Dyt is a nuisance, he does not advice but has a way of filling space and wasting Oga Seuns space with nonsence, he has no concept of anything going on, very annoying character, did you just say he was a woman. Why would a grown woman act like a child,

nasha1:

That what happen when one has no moral virtue.she is a she,a noisy one at that.all she knows is gossips nd fooling around she is old,she old pass many women here,dat aunty fit reach 35.

Let the drum keep beating

raumdeuter:
OP

As much as it might hurt you, Its either you take a strong stand, be more authoritative or leave the situation aka walk out completely

1. Some women have daddy issues in their life. And they react better to taking orders. They prefer to be lesser partners instead of equal partners. Your quest to make them equal partners would make them see you as weak. Since she is that type, I think you might need to be more authoritative. If you were in Nigeria this would be the right option

I 100% agree with you.

Learnt that since and call them 'Nigerian' wives.

liefdesverhaal: Raumdeuter and RiloKiley have said it all. I really have nothing more to add.

Thanks for the mention nasha1

liefdesverhaal:
She is adamant. The truth is I am a very religious person but I believe this situation requires practicality as much as wisdom.

The unfortunate thing is that We didn't court for long. Reason is that I was in a seven years of bitter long distance relationship that I wanted to end desperately and when she came along... I saw her as the best way to let go of the other person.

I saw some of this threat early(Three months later) but by then she was pregnant. I was worried but family and friends advice that things will be better after the delivery and marriage and I was not ready to have another child out of wedlock.

How do i get out of this quagmire?

This was the beginning of your mistake and this should sound a warning to everyone, do not look for rebounds immediately after ending a relationship. At that point you are not thinking clearly especially when the end of the relationship is traumatic. Also WTH do you do during courtship that you cannot spot basic things like these? What and how a person views life and marriage should be one of the most important things to learn about during courtship. Please please and please if you are in a courtship or thinking of going into one let this be a lesson. Learn about the other person's views before you commit.

My dear fellow the bitter pill is there is no way to undo this mistake short of your wife changing or you getting a divorce. If you believe in God then you can pray for her to change.

liefdesverhaal:
@PressVA
Thanks very much for the Advice. I have already ask elderly family friends to talk with her... Sometimes she agrees to change without doing anything to change, some other times she becomes defiant of any criticism.

As you rightly pointed out, the things that i desperately want to change in her is the disrespectful and abusive nature. She talks down at me even outside and once told me that she can fight me in public without caring what people will say. I have leave her couple of times outside just to avoid embarrassment. At home is no difference, She is ready to fight at any slightest provocation.

.

This is really bad of her. Unfortunately old habits die hard so you'll have to keep talking, complaining and pushing until she get it.
Or not.
Seriously why should an adult be behaving like that? Ready to fight you in public?

As for the other things you're talking about,
All I hear is me, my, what I want etc. you may not realize it but you also sound like you want things always going your way just like she does.

You guys obviously don't compromise.
You said she likes to be in control and you in turn want to be in control.
I don't see either way will work.
There has to be a balance and if she was here that's what she should be learning too.
I guess y'all will have to consider counseling like someone suggested.

Wow!

liefdesverhaal:


So according to you, I should appreciate the abusive nature or the disrespects mind? Did you even read my post? SMH




I have tried few of this method myself but it is not solving the long term problem. I have slapped her couple of time at home after too much confrontation and provocation and when she raises to fight, I cant pull myself to hit her back because I am afraid I might hurt or wound her. She has wounded me many times and tore countless of my shirts and jewelries.

I see myself as a weak man anytime I raises my hand to slap her... I believe there should be a better solution than domestic violence. And just to add, Where I live, women are treated favorably in domestic violence cases than a man irrespective of who is at fault.

The issue of taking a sole decision for the family is what I have been doing but i feel it is just making us couple with no foundation, harmony or love... It is making us pass day to day as it come. In simple term, it is not bringing us together, rather creating more loopholes for disharmony and quarrels.

Idea of separation creeps to mind every now and then because my marriage has become stale. She too acknowledge this and even suggested to me last week that we should just have three kids then we can separate and she can become a single Mum while i take care of the kids.

I took a day off to clear my head and i really hope I can find the right balance to a permanent solution.

Never marry an opinionated woman except you've the clout to control her.

The clout may include :

Strong Personality
Wealth
Social Status
An intimidating educational qualifications like a lawyer etc...

Back to you Mr. Cross bearer,

I know you may not be any of the listed above but you should try to build on STRONG PERSONALITY to be able to exert influence on your marriage and be the HEAD of it.

DO NOT HIT HER AGAIN!!!

For every fight you get in with her, she leverage out on her atrocities.

Women are very smart and knows how to play the game of control more than men. While men are busy hustling, women simply use the time to study their men!

Now, it is up to you to "surprise" her from being a predictable man to the unpredictable. Do a reverse psychology.

STOP TALKING and STOP negotiating for PEACE!!! The more people you invite to intervene, the more she is satisfied with her power.

Put on the armor of STALIN, the face of ABACHA, and the unforgiving spirit of BUHARI. Laugh when necessary and only say a few words. Kill romance and treat her as non existent.... Few months let say 6 months she'll notice the change, a year she start complaining and fighting back (please at this juncture don't allow her to manipulate you with whichever antics she employs). Finally, if she acknowledge you'd remain unruffled, she'll slide and begin to think and for the very first time how she got things messed up.

She'll then pray to have her marriage back... give her and you'd successfully subdued her. Henceforth every action she takes, she weighs the prospects.

This is a long term approach except you want her to still be in charge and I bet you with the power she has now, any challenge on family finance she'll divorce you.

Was she aware that you had a child outta wedlock?
Do you spend more time and finances with the other woman's child more than hers?
That wife of yours is reacting to something, find it and fix it.....

Did you came clean about your pass relationship or was it hanging like a sledgehammer over your/her head?

Did you deceive that wife of yours? She is really angry and is using every opportunity to show it.


Find the source of your happiness leakage and plug it.

liefdesverhaal:


So according to you, I should appreciate the abusive nature or the disrespects mind? Did you even read my post? SMH




I have tried few of this method myself but it is not solving the long term problem. I have slapped her couple of time at home after too much confrontation and provocation and when she raises to fight, I cant pull myself to hit her back because I am afraid I might hurt or wound her. She has wounded me many times and tore countless of my shirts and jewelries.

I see myself as a weak man anytime I raises my hand to slap her... I believe there should be a better solution than domestic violence. And just to add, Where I live, women are treated favorably in domestic violence cases than a man irrespective of who is at fault.

The issue of taking a sole decision for the family is what I have been doing but i feel it is just making us couple with no foundation, harmony or love... It is making us pass day to day as it come. In simple term, it is not bringing us together, rather creating more loopholes for disharmony and quarrels.

Idea of separation creeps to mind every now and then because my marriage has become stale. She too acknowledge this and even suggested to me last week that we should just have three kids then we can separate and she can become a single Mum while i take care of the kids.

I took a day off to clear my head and i really hope I can find the right balance to a permanent solution.

That is ridiculous. Please don't have any more kids till your marriage is settled

RiloKiley:


@tearoses I enjoy your contributions in issues like this. Pls don't be offended that am calling u out again. Also tv01 or is it TV001 . Abeg contribute.

Thank you sir
No offence at all
Hope things are getting better for you

@poster, sadly some women don't thrive well with decent well mannered men....they misinterpret it as weakness
They prefer to be dictated to and treated shabbily.
Sad but that's just the fall out of a damaged upbringing and mind.
Maybe your wife falls into this category
The fact that she is planning on having 2 more kids with you and becoming a single mother is very alarming too

Its hard to deal with these kinds of women especially if its not in your nature to be a Mr bad, and so if you are not careful she will get you into mega trouble. Youve both already started being physical and one day it will get out of hand.
A criminal record will make it almost impossible to find a decent job and if you do split up, it will count against you if you try to fight for custody of your kid at a later date.

Since you've tried the talking, reporting and all that, then time to try another strategy.
Just ignore her
Totally
When she sees that you don't give a hoot about her antics, she will initially love the freedom but as time goes on it will begin to dig at her.
Ignore all birthdays, anniversary's and all her excesses
if she wants to party all weekend and fight in public, just leave her to do it.

Everyone wants to feel wanted and special and when she sees that you don't notice anything about her, one day the sane side of her brain will kick in she will start doing things to attract your attention.
she will be the one doing the chasing
Then at that point lay down the ground rules and read her the riot act
Let her see that you are not the weakling she thought you were and you will no longer tolerate those excesses.

RiloKiley:


I became more authoritative.
I ceased caring so much about her happiness and more about the goals for the family. If I see a particular venture will be good for all of us I go all out to get it. I stopped trying to discuss every little thing with her. I found out I was making her the centre of my happiness and unlike what I had heard and read about in romance novels instead of making her happy it seemed to be driving her away. So now I demand for things. I tell her why this will be good for the family and then i go ahead and do it.
Its not my style at all. I'm the "lets talk and discuss about every little thing" kind of person. I believe a lot in romance (or used to, now not so much) but believe me I have gotten more results since then. She is definitely more respectful too.
i think u should be more authoritative. Be the "man of the house" especially when it comes to things that you know will move the family forward. Warn her that the day she tries to fight u in public she will not like what will happen afterwards. Let her see you can be mental as well. She can be loud with her friends but not with u.
Also if u feel the extra degree will boost the family income on the long run I think u should go ahead and do it. She will complain and nag but in the long run she'll be the one to boast outside later that her man has a Masters degree.
And as long as u don't get abusive with the power. Let your Christian morals guide you.

I just saw this
Its a good approach after everything else has failed

.........however don't over do it or eventually you will force a gap between you two
Also when she does well, do reward and appreciate her
otherwise she will begin to fear you and switch off
When a woman switches off then that is the beginning of the end so please frequently re asses the situation.

Unspouse them!

Didn't you notice that she is the manner less type wen u two were in courtship?

There IS no NEed slapping Or beating her,some women Have Evil Spirit disturbing,Ok Godforbid imagine u r Not There Tomorrow Wont She Take Care of THE Child,She noticed That u r TOo Gentle and religious and She IS taking advantage of That,Even though That IS typical of Women,Pls complain TO her parents IF She doent Change i will advise u will THE marriage Its Not By force

na wah...... only she abusive, manner less, not allowing u to pursue ur dream and to crown it up it's like she is after ur money. #speechlees#

TheArchangel:
Was she aware that you had a child outta wedlock?
Do you spend more time and finances with the other woman's child more than hers?
That wife of yours is reacting to something, find it and fix it.....

Did you came clean about your pass relationship or was it hanging like a sledgehammer over your/her head?

Did you deceive that wife of yours? She is really angry and is using every opportunity to show it.


Find the source of your happiness leakage and plug it.

I agree. There must be something the OP has done that's setting her off.

First, divorce is always an option, it's like bringing a gun to the negotiating table, you never pull it though, except you mean it. Secondly, you just described a so called modern woman to a T...yes she wants you to provide, but that's about where your right as the head of the home ends..a tragic situation because she would raise boys that'll be abused by other women. Thirdly, you come across as a man who's not easy to please either, you already have a kid elsewhere...have you evaluated yourself? Fourth, a pastor told me that your attitude towards your modern wife should not be that of leader - follower but owner - helper, in other words, the responsibility is really yours, she's just some person helping out. Lastly, talk is cheap, actions declare that you mean what you say, by acting out what your vision of what you want your family to be persistently, in time your modern wife too might get the message and if she doesn't, kick her out and get someone who does, the only time a man should take divorce off the table is when the woman is the bread winner, in that case your attitude should be 'am getting paid to tolerate her nonsense'..who cares, it's a modern world.