I don't want to judge your actions but what i see is that, You broke the hedge, and the serpent has bitten... Marriage remains honorable in all, bed undefiled (heb13:4). Its a spilled milk, you can't divorce her. Pray to God and amend your ways. I believe so much in God and He has never disappointed in situations like this
I believe in one word and I tell many persons too and it has worked and never failed, the word is 'Patience' it opens and door, just be patient with her.
all I want you to do is keep mute, just allow her, don't complain, don't argue with her, don't keep malice with her in the process, do what is expected of you, but just let her be, face your kid and be patient and just watch, don't even condemn her actions, don't react to them, you want a masters degree, go for it! Do what you think is right and not what she thinks is right
patience is the key

if u can take her to church for deliverance pls do.

This readily brought to mind a Chinese proverb that says: "it's easier to move mountains than to change a person's character."
The problem is right from the foundation, when the foundation is faulty, what can the righteous do? This is what happens when we allow Hollywood, Nollywood, Bollywood, Ghallywood etc dictates to us what love is. You barely know/met a person, you are sleeping together already. This is putting the cart before the horse, we seems to be more concerned about sexual compatibility than any other aspects of life which determines whether such a person will make a good wife /husband. It's not done, it doesn't work that way. When you start sleeping with someone, it has a way of messing up with your head, though you will still see some danger signs, some red flags, but because your sense of reasoning has been clouded, you won't be able to make the best decision for yourself. There is nothing like love conquers all. Love does not conquers all. Let those who are In relationships and planning on getting marry take notes. Do you share the same worldviews, believe system, how about finances: how does he or she handles money, is he/she a spendthrift, this aspect seems to be the biggest area couples have misunderstanding. What kind of upbringing does he/she had? Is he/she from a broken home? If a lady, what's her relationship with her mother like? You need to find answers to these mportant questions : that's what courtship is about not sleeping with each other. You need to take your time, don't just rush into anything. Even if she is pregnant with your baby, that's not enough reason to marry her, the mistake has been made already, don't compound it by making another, two wrongs they say does not make a right. Our singles so take note of this things. Marriage can either make or mar you. The choice of your mate determines the level of success you will attain in life. It determines whether you will be happy or not, or whether You will be fulfilled or not. It's one of life's greatest decisions, if it's not the greatest, so brothers and sisters tread cautiously. As for you Op, it's your Cross, bears it patiently, If you are a Christian, the only ground for divorce is adultery, cos God hates divorce. Mal. 2: 16.

Is anybody gonna ask this man what he does for a living and what it is he is trying to do? I mean if he is still pursuing rapping then she may be right. We are just supposed to assume that his dreams make sense?!?!!

liefdesverhaal:
I am a regular user of this forum. For the sake of privacy and objectivity... I have to start a new tread.

I need the opinion of mature and especially married people.

I am a man in my middle thirties, Married with 2 kids(One with another woman). I am in a dilemma. I am married to a Woman that have different view of life. We are from different culture and educational background. We see life differently. I am a quite, conservative, loyal, and kind but very principle Man whereas my wife is very open, extrovert, kind, and care free person but She is very very disrespectful and abusive. She abuses even in public without knowing the implication of her actions.

I believe in Family union and the sanctity of Marriage. I believe that a Man is the head of a family and the provider and protector of the family. My wife believe that a Man should be the provider of the family while she takes control of the family.

Perhaps it is too much to describe but how do i make my wife to see life the way I am seeing it? I want a simple, quite, private life that I will love, cherish my wife above any other thing.

I want to go back to school to obtain a degree perhaps Maters degree but my wife just want me to provide for the family without pursuing my dreams or career. She is not interested in anything I want to do as long as it does not affect the family income.

I have thought of leaving her but the idea that I have a child with before with another woman without marriage, then another child with her(Which I love so much) scare the living daylight out of me.

I have tried talking with her about my fears and worries but that seems not to help. I have contracted other people for advice but nothing is helping.

I am scared of starting a new family after 2 kids with two different women. How do I make this woman to see life from my angle(I am willing for concession)?

When I was a child, I planned for a wife that will love and adore me... Support my dreams and take care of the family... But it seems I am having opposite of this right now.

This is a true life story... Please help a brother...

I recommend
1.total woman by marable morgan for her
2. Men are from Mars women are from Venus by John gray for you to read
3. Drop your email I will send you the third book
Also remember that for family to be successful you need the tripod cord in your marriage. God + husband + wife

RiloKiley:
Hehe bro, was about opening a thread with a kind of similar topic. Guessed u beat me to it.
What happens when u find yourself inna situation where u and your spouse don't see eye to eye on long term situations. Its easy for those who have never been in these shoes to say "you should have discussed this during courtship" bla bla , but the truth is life is not black and white. When you are in a relationship in which u like this person and you feel it can lead to marriage you start closing eye to a lot of things. Even your own friends will advice you that you can't find the exact perfect person. You look at the matter wholistically and decide that you can live with the little flaws the lady or guy is exhibiting and then you go ahead and marry only to find out that after the euphoria of marriage the flaws become even more glaring and life threatening.

I stated in a previous thread that my wife is lacking in the gratitude department. Saying thanks for a help rendered is a very big thing in my family. We show gratitude a lot. Wifey's family, not so much. For someone who grew up with this habit it irritates me no end when she doesn't acknowledge the help I give her. I have tried stopping any assistance but I honestly don't have the heart to see her suffer.
So I endure.
A friend of mine cannot spend a day out of his house. His wife will raise hell and highwater. But his business requires him to travel a lot. In fact he hasnt been promoted in the last one year cos he has been unable to meet the target set by his company. His wife would rather the family remain stagnant than for him to spend a weekend outside.
Another one is having similar issues as you. His wife would rather buy the most expensive clothes and jewelry than allow the house suffer small so he can build their house. It had always been his dream to move into his own house by the age of 40. Doesn't seem like its going to happen anytime soon.

What happens when u find yourself in a marriage with someone who cannot identify with your feelings about what marriage should be about? Someone who cannot encourage you in your long term goals?

@tearoses I enjoy your contributions in issues like this. Pls don't be offended that am calling u out again. Also tv01 or is it TV001 . Abeg contribute.

Its touching when two opposite sex are nt compartable especially in a marriage setting such as this,wifey might nt understand ur person bt it takes knowledge and nt strength.Try to understand her personality,within that personality,u will find a disorder,this disorder when diagnosed could go a long way in helping u outta ya situation,thats when u cant find a proffesional,do d research ursef,these personality disorder have strength and weakness,in the aspect of d weakness,try d strength.it helps u a lot to understand human,bt its better to see a proffessional than everyone tryno give their own advice.

I really feel sorry for you Mr poster. To you you are a fantastic husband while your wife is the horrible one. Guys like you will remain miserable for life unless they change. What did the bible say about the role of a man and woman in marriage? You succeeded in telling us how she has failed in her role. How about you? Have you shown her love like the bible enjoined men to? You said you're a Christian (I wonder the sort who goes about committing fornication). When was the last time you helped with house chores, celebrated her birthday, your anniversary or even mother's day? When was the last time you complimented any good thing she did? You're just wallowing in your selfishness. If you want a happy home, you have to rid yourself of selfishness. Just because she comes from a broken home does not mean she cannot make a good wife. Go around and research other women from similar background. Majority are bitter and angry always because they yearn for one thing-Love and validation. The minute you focus on her weakness and ignore your duty, you only bring out the worst in her. Love her. Show her affection. That's the only way she will change her attitude towards you. It is your duty to bring out the best in her. You should use love to overcome her negativity. Its commendable that you're seeking solution but truly, you are your own solution. Since you're a 'christian', ask God to give you grace to love just as christ taught. Only cowards walk out when the going gets tough. Marriage is not for children. Its for matured minds who understand the concept of "for better for worse".

the ability to manage your wife is wat makes you a husband.. both of you needs to come to a common platform..so stop especting her to think your direction...you also have to understand who she is...afterall you knew she was like dat before u married her. you urself tend to get something wrong about life.you dont throw a dirty cloth away, you wash them......you beleive its all about authority....which is why you think you have the freedom to marry another person....so because of money...ur wife doesnt want u to study..and the only reason u have not divorced her is because you dont want to have different children from different mother.....my guy....you are not different from ur wife..so humble urself and accept ur mistakes......love her until she changes..understanding is part of what keeps a marriage going....see a councillor..

Another made up story. All such stories on nairaland are made up to one extent or another. Guaranteed.

RiloKiley:


I became more authoritative.
I ceased caring so much about her happiness and more about the goals for the family. If I see a particular venture will be good for all of us I go all out to get it. I stopped trying to discuss every little thing with her. I found out I was making her the centre of my happiness and unlike what I had heard and read about in romance novels instead of making her happy it seemed to be driving her away. So now I demand for things. I tell her why this will be good for the family and then i go ahead and do it.
Its not my style at all. I'm the "lets talk and discuss about every little thing" kind of person. I believe a lot in romance (or used to, now not so much) but believe me I have gotten more results since then. She is definitely more respectful too.
i think u should be more authoritative. Be the "man of the house" especially when it comes to things that you know will move the family forward. Warn her that the day she tries to fight u in public she will not like what will happen afterwards. Let her see you can be mental as well. She can be loud with her friends but not with u.
Also if u feel the extra degree will boost the family income on the long run I think u should go ahead and do it. She will complain and nag but in the long run she'll be the one to boast outside later that her man has a Masters degree.
And as long as u don't get abusive with the power. Let your Christian morals guide you.

hmmmmm,is see someone in a tight corner,i've an aunt who suffer almost the same thing,itz gonna be a little had but,PLEASE HOLD ON ON CHILD BEARING FOR NOW,also the way i see things she didnt school so much and she's scared of the time and changes that would be affiliated to fullfill your academic improvement,you'll have to be man enough a little,once she knows she cant stop you,she'll adjust to your struggle,i tell you if you dont improve because of her and the family like my aunt now,a time will come when responsibility would have grown big and you blame yourself to have allowed her to limit you.itz better achieved now when you just have a kid with her.she wants her dream but care little about yours.my 4 shillings.

I am wondering are men so insecure that they need a cookie for every thing that they do?

You provide for a family. That is what a man does. Do you really expect thanks for being a "man"?

You are kind and interact with your kids. Do you really expect thanks for being a father?

Really. It is really an insult against your character and ability for a person to not expect you to do these things and become your own personal cheerleader for being a man/dad/ husband.

Do something that isn't expected of a responsible person, THEN look for thanks and gratitude.

@op

we have a similar situation but in the opposite direction, we courted for one year but I only found out about him the very week we were to wed but then I was not courageous enough to call it off. His family have tried, the church and even his close friends but he still thinks he's right.
What I resolved in my heart is that no man on earth can help my marriage work because I have done everything physically to see it work I have sort counsel from everyone I thought could help and do everything good I am advised to. I know how horrible you feel but my candid advice is to ignore her, focus on God and pray because God is the only one that can arrest situations like this. believe me it works to play deaf and dump. in your case u are the man do your part as the head, ignore her and leave the rest to God.
I need not tell you in detail what I pass through for more than 3year because you may leave yours to pray for me. one thing I will encourage u to do is have faith. like me I know it may take a while but I bare and pray believing that one day (soon) I will testify. pls don't rely on social media for the answers u seek, let your children be your consolation,trying to change her is not working then let God do it and I want to believe you are not the problems in your home o. IT IS WELL

GogobiriLalas:
true that bro...any man who gets married nowadays is an idiot o...just look for shex partner, that's all you need

some people will not agree now, but when they face the heat, they will bow out! Trust me, nothing like wife again, what we have now are more complex problematic women, I was just imagining our mothers, how humble and submissive they were despite the rigid attitude of our fathers back then, one yeye girl will even attempt to slap you at slit guement. They will make life more frustrating for you. Since this my yeye own blow her self out my house, I enjoy relative peace. I'm experiencing influx of girls now, they were behaving like angel but I determined not to be trap again. Until when u make them wife they being to show u hell. I will never keep any as wife again ooooooh I'm tired

banmee:


Are you serious? When you go back to further your education, how are you going to sustain your family? Does your spouse have a job? Why are you trying to play on the emotions of others? It seems to me like your wife is the matured one in the household.

Why not ask what his plans about sustaining his family is before drawing the conclusion he is playing on the emotions of others.

GboyegaD:


Why not ask what his plans about sustaining his family is before drawing the conclusion he is playing on the emotions of others.

It is for him to provide it with his initial post. I didn't ask for his story and we are not best friends. Isn't it convenient that he never gave any kind of credible or logical reasons for his wife's refusal?

banmee:


It is for him to provide it with his initial post. I didn't ask for his story and we are not best friends. Isn't convenient that he never gave any kind of credible or logical reasons for his wife's refusal?

He doesn't need to put all that down as I don't think that is the issue here. He must have got plans of taking care of his family while he's studying. That said, you could also have hit the nail on the right spot and I hope he reads through all the comments critically to pick those that would help him and also assess his family to know/decipher what he needs to work on.

GboyegaD:


He doesn't need to put all that down as I don't think that is the issue here. He must have got plans of taking care of his family while he's studying. That said, you could also have hit the nail on the right spot and I hope he reads through all the comments critically to pick those that would help him and also assess his family to know/decipher what he needs to work on.

Why would you provide a story and not state all the facts?

Marriage is over rated
Two ppl will be so much in love but suddenly become strangers after getting married
It's better to stay as unmarried friends than to become united foes

I salute your courage for sharing your life with us on this page. it must be a difficult thing for you to do. some may doubt your situation but these are common things among married people even for those who had a long courtship. so forget about how you got into this marriage and begin to focus on how you can make it work. Your marriage is like your garden which must be CONTINUOUSLY tended by you and your spouse if you want to enjoy the love you felt at the beginning of your relationship. Most of us come from different background and as such have different views to life. in marriage we learn to accommodate each others view and not always insist on our own ways. in marriage we share our lives with others we don't just look for whatever will benefit us only. But what happen if both partners don't agree on virtually everything? One thing you must never do is don't try to change your partner. Only God can change people. None of us is perfect. So the first place to look at is yourself. Try to keep your own side of the bargain and trust God to help your wife to see reason why she must change. Shouting, insult, threat, fighting and quarreling has never change anything and will not change anything in your own case. Furthermore, you have to meet a Godly counselor for help. Ultimately you must ask for direction from the creator and initiator of marriage. Hope you know Him? There is no short cut to this type of problem but i assure you that when you meet Him He will sort you out. Good luck and don't give anymore information than is necessary.

I have always know from inception that 99 % percent of divorce are caused by woman, but my brother if you take a drastic action now out people will call you names my brother my advice for you is to adopt the siddon look strategy, concentrate on some other aspects of life and stop making her the focal point of your hapiness to increase your energy level whilst also not ignoring her or breaking lines of communications with her. Trust me bros opportunity will present itself to you one day where you will absond or you will be seperated by reasons of taking a job in a distance location, or you impregnate another woman or what ever. What ever the case is your peace of mind is the most important.

UjSizzle:
So what do people talk about when they court these days

The best fastfood joint in town, I guess.

olumidazz:
I have always know from inception that 99 % percent of divorce are caused by woman, but my brother if you take a drastic action now out people will call you names my brother my advice for you is to adopt the siddon look strategy, concentrate on some other aspects of life and stop making her the focal point of your hapiness to increase your energy level whilst also not ignoring her or breaking lines of communications with her. Trust me bros opportunity will present itself to you one day where you will absond or you will be seperated by reasons of taking a job in a distance location, or you impregnate another woman or what ever. What ever the case is your peace of mind is the most important.

99℅ Dude, you are living in the wrong planet.
You all advising him not to make the wife a focal point is gradually killing him. The wife is gonna dry him inside out for it ten ask for divorce. Op has got a lot of baggages he's not willing to share. You court a girl and impregnated her within a space of three months after breaking up from a friend of 6 abi 7 years, who does that? Both of you are morally decadents.
Op is bleeped either way.

Which ever way this story will have a bad ending from antecedents here. Believe me some maraiges are not even suppose to be. If you asked me i will say op she move on b4 divorce comes even the lady has indicated she wants to be a single mother. Ops wife has move far farther ops rants here she is probably having a time of her life now and op is try all to make marriage work even though he is got his issues too.

johnsonjosbles:
some people will not agree now, but when they face the heat, they will bow out! Trust me, nothing like wife again, what we have now are more complex problematic women, I was just imagining our mothers, how humble and submissive they were despite the rigid attitude of our fathers back then, one yeye girl will even attempt to slap you at slit guement. They will make life more frustrating for you. Since this my yeye own blow her self out my house, I enjoy relative peace. I'm experiencing influx of girls now, they were behaving like angel but I determined not to be trap again. Until when u make them wife they being to show u hell. I will never keep any as wife again ooooooh I'm tired

I envy you bro..enjoy, make sure you don't fall for that marriage nonsense again...me ma, I can't wait to get an amiable exit from my current jail

liefdesverhaal:


So according to you, I should appreciate the abusive nature or the disrespects mind? Did you even read my post? SMH




I have tried few of this method myself but it is not solving the long term problem. I have slapped her couple of time at home after too much confrontation and provocation and when she raises to fight, I cant pull myself to hit her back because I am afraid I might hurt or wound her. She has wounded me many times and tore countless of my shirts and jewelries.

I see myself as a weak man anytime I raises my hand to slap her... I believe there should be a better solution than domestic violence. And just to add, Where I live, women are treated favorably in domestic violence cases than a man irrespective of who is at fault.

The issue of taking a sole decision for the family is what I have been doing but i feel it is just making us couple with no foundation, harmony or love... It is making us pass day to day as it come. In simple term, it is not bringing us together, rather creating more loopholes for disharmony and quarrels.

Idea of separation creeps to mind every now and then because my marriage has become stale. She too acknowledge this and even suggested to me last week that we should just have three kids then we can separate and she can become a single Mum while i take care of the kids.

I took a day off to clear my head and i really hope I can find the right balance to a permanent solution.

Hello Mr. I really feel sorry for you with these predicaments that you are facing. I would encourage you to reach out to Leke Alder on Twitter or through mail. I believe he resolves issues like this and he is also very vocal on Twitter through his letter to Jil and Jack series every weekend. You can get his mail from his Twitter timeline. God would see you through this and I really hope you would come back to testify about your family success.

liefdesverhaal:
I am a regular user of this forum. For the sake of privacy and objectivity... I have to start a new tread.

I need the opinion of mature and especially married people.

I am a man in my middle thirties, Married with 2 kids(One with another woman). I am in a dilemma. I am married to a Woman that have different view of life. We are from different culture and educational background. We see life differently. I am a quite, conservative, loyal, and kind but very principle Man whereas my wife is very open, extrovert, kind, and care free person but She is very very disrespectful and abusive. She abuses even in public without knowing the implication of her actions.

I believe in Family union and the sanctity of Marriage. I believe that a Man is the head of a family and the provider and protector of the family. My wife believe that a Man should be the provider of the family while she takes control of the family.

Perhaps it is too much to describe but how do i make my wife to see life the way I am seeing it? I want a simple, quite, private life that I will love, cherish my wife above any other thing.

I want to go back to school to obtain a degree perhaps Maters degree but my wife just want me to provide for the family without pursuing my dreams or career. She is not interested in anything I want to do as long as it does not affect the family income.

I have thought of leaving her but the idea that I have a child with before with another woman without marriage, then another child with her(Which I love so much) scare the living daylight out of me.

I have tried talking with her about my fears and worries but that seems not to help. I have contracted other people for advice but nothing is helping.

I am scared of starting a new family after 2 kids with two different women. How do I make this woman to see life from my angle(I am willing for concession)?

When I was a child, I planned for a wife that will love and adore me... Support my dreams and take care of the family... But it seems I am having opposite of this right now.

This is a true life story... Please help a brother...

A man's happiness is his paramount desire.
No matter the number of children you have gotten, keep searching for a woman that will match up with you, if you finally gotten one then combine those kids and give them equal love and care.
It's a difficult task oooh