The first time I kissed I think I liked it. I liked how it felt. I liked how it tasted. I started with the lip to lip thing. Just dry and that, then I shifted to the wet one; the one I later learnt is called the French kiss. Up till this moment I don’t even know why it is called French kiss. I love to kiss. I, like all religious teens, was afraid of hell and anything that will lead us there. And of course it was drummed into our thick skulls that pre-marital sex is a direct ticket to hell. We dreaded fornication; we didn’t want to go to hell, no we didn’t. But kissing didn’t look like something that will get us hell- bound anyway, though we knew it was definitely not a ticket to heaven. Kissing was just not here nor there. But whenever we fell into temptation we fell as far as kissing. And O, how I loved to fall into this temptation! I love to close my eyes when kissing and melt away into outer space. My body will usually vibrate in proportion to the duration of the labial conjunction. I love it deep and long. Infact I invented what I called marathon kissing. If it is a short girl, I will bend double to reach her mouth; if na tall girl, good for me. I will hold her, she will hold me. Then our lips will join in wordless profession of paradise. Kai, e de sweet o. My friends knew that I loved kissing. They use to mock me that all I do with girls is just kiss. Who cares? As far as I was concerned that is where the pleasure, the whole heavenly pleasure is. Kissing is very important to me. I remember ending some relationships because the girls didn’t want to kiss. I was shocked. Why we no go kiss na? Mtcheew. I pursue them. Baggars! Kiss me or leave. Then one day I kissed the world’s most smelling mouth. Mtcheew, kai, if you see me that day ehn you go cry for me. I was just recovering from my first big heartbreak, my friends were trying to cheer me up, and so they took me out. We went to a place in Anderson Street, off Calabar Road in Obudu; the place is called “De Place.” We sat down and started drinking. As usual I was nursing my chilled bottle of malt. A couple of girls later joined us. They were not strange faces. My friends were going out with a couple of them. I recognised one who had been hitting on me and me too de like her sha. Now when I get heartbreak my friend don arrange make we meet here by “accident.” Things 20-year olds do for each other. I love my peeps jo. We finished drinking and eating pepper soup. As the “patient” of the group, I got all the attention and of course the lion’s share of everything. When we were done we started strolling home. I was living down Adalikwu Street, off Anderson Street. The girls tagged along, especially that my own. Not too bad, I was already anticipating a good kiss, at least to help with the mending of my broken heart. She was excited say I even get her time today. One man tears na another man miracle o. You de cry your dead body, coffin seller de thank God for good market. We got into our street and just in front of our house, she shifted close to me. I responded positively. In a flash we were locked in an embrace, and then we kissed. A French kiss. My God, O my God, what did I just kiss? Is this a mouth or a gutter? The taste of her mouth and the odour therefrom gave me a nervous shock. Her mouth tasted like rotten meat. I stood there shocked to my bones that a human mouth could smell this bad. Bad odour, very bad odour rose from the core of her being like rotten incense from the thurible of an altar boy. Did I just kiss this odour? Did I? The odour was acidic and hot like the molten lava out of the volcanic eruption of the Cameroon Mountains. Rotten air fired through my nasal passages and flowed to the pharynx, rocketing straight to my larynx. My mucous membrane and ciliated cells did a yore man job trying to purify the rottenness of the oxygen I just inhaled. They failed. This odour must be a chemical weapon. I stood there in the smell. I never knew a human mouth can smell this bad. I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if there is anything like that, then this girl must have been a toilet in her former life. She lifted up her head and asked me “Do you love me?” She sprayed me her rotten odour mercilessly as she asked this foolish question. How can I love you? Am I mad? You expect me to love you when you don’t even love yourself enough to brush your teeth. If you were me will you love you? That is one thing with most people: they don’t even love themselves enough to take care of themselves, but they expect someone else to love them. If person talk them go say love me the way I am. They don’t even know that how they really are, originally, is perfect. I know nobody is perfect now, but “Love me the way I am” should not be used as an excuse to remain in bad habits. Change what you can, and there is a lot you can do. You can change being saucy, you can control your temper, you can stop being an alcoholic and at least you can brush your teeth! Those who are careless about taking care of themselves usually make you feel guilty of taking care of you. Most of my friends try to do this to me whenever I go for my monthly pedicure and manicure. They will say “Isa you too de do.” Too de do wetin? For something that is not even up to N1500. A couple of years back I decided to form what I call my Success Team. What this means is that I contracted the services of the following professionals: a dentist, a general practitioner doctor, an insurance agent, a stockbroker, a real estate agent, a literary agent, a banker, an accountant, a dermatologist, an optician, a lawyer, an IT consultant, a travel agent, a personal trainer, a nutritionist, an editor, an executive assistant and a personal assistant. This list is by no means exhaustive, but I think this is what I need to make life a bit easier. My pals thought I was crazy, that I will spend millions. I didn’t, and Im not. What this basically entails is building a relationship. You pay them, atimes, only when actual services are rendered. The point is if you and I go to see my lawyer or travel agent he will see me first; he will even work for me before ever mentioning money. Love yourself before you demand to be loved. This smelling mouth girl stand there de ask me whether I love her. I de craze? I felt like hanging her on a stake. “Sakaswine!” according to Sam Loco Efe. I pushed the girl away and walked into the compound. My friend had the audacity of asking me “Did you enjoy yourself?” My God! Enjoy myself in kissing the Guinness Book of World Records holder of the most smelling mouth in the Solar System!? I felt like going to his parents to report him of attempting to poison me. I go brush with salt, toothpaste, charcoal; vomiting terribly in the process. I slept with my mouth open for good air to take away the bad air inside. Since that day Im very careful of what I kiss. I invented a way of checking up the atmospheric condition of the oral cavity before going close to it. I hate smelling mouths. Infact, if I have the opportunity of adding anything to The Matrimonial Causes Act, I will make smelling mouth a ground for divorce! First Baba Isa (FBI) is a Legal Practitioner and writes from Abuja 07037162029 meandisa@gmail.com 52F84BE5 @firstbabaisa 16 hrs · Abuja, Nigeria · Public

same smellymouth?

modelmike7:
same smellymo.uth?

this op yeye ooo,the girl fit dey nairaland,and after this she fit go hang herself with tissue paper

OP, maybe the lady was my sister in our past life

Lolz. This is really funny!!!

Haven't read a narration so good in a long while

op seriously all this essay just for kiss. thumbs up!

I don laugh tire!

U write well bros, the way u described the smelly mouth almost kill me with laugh.

Hahahahahahahaha!

smelly mouth, bad breath... that's a BIGGGGG turnoff for me, anyday, anytime, anywhere

all this for kissing smellymouth

Hahaha smellymouth what do you have to say to this [color=#006600][/color][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font][i][/i]

I hope you remembered to gargle dettol

This one cracked me up

I don’t believe in reincarnation, but if there is anything like that, then this girl must have been a toilet in her former life.

Bros U don kee me finish

Yeye sombori

Funny

Jadekitana:
Hahaha sme.llymouth what do you have to say to this [color=#006600][/color][font=Lucida Sans Unicode][/font][i][/i]

Angelberry:
all this for kissing smellym.outh

Bae

Summary pls.

Smellymouth:


Bae

lemme joor, was catwalking to a wedding only to start running cos of rain.

Angelberry:
lemme joor, was catwalking to a wedding only to start running cos of rain.

So sorry still raining

Smellymouth:

So sorry still raining

Yeah..heavily, I'm at the reception now.

Couldnt even read the irksome kiss part.


BTW, na jst one person for this forum i dey pity.. Guess who?

Angelberry:
Yeah..heavily, I'm at the reception now.

Okk dear, have fun