Whats up everybody? Hope you all r looking forward to a blessed xmas.

well `just thought I should share this short story with all of you

My best friend and her boyfriend are having problems? Why? read on,

My friend usually come to the states for holidays. she goes back and forth as if it's just a mere journey to mile 12. 3years ago, she decided to reside in the states and continue her education. She has not been to 9ja since then and she had a boyfriend over there. I thought it was not so cool to be so far apart but she said she loves him and she'll keep holding on till they see. My friend has no intention of going to nigeria anytime soon. I urged her to pay him a visit. She said her parents would object to that because they want her to stay here and finish her education before she re-unites with them in 9ja. She cries all the time talking about how she misses this guy and want to see him. My shoulder has lifted so many burdens this yr (it's not even funny).

They talk on the phone a lot. they e-mail each other and chat a lot. About 6 months ago, things changed. The messages from the guy were no longer frequent. She tried calling him on several basis to talk about the sudden change but the call never goes through. She became frustrated. Unfortunately, I had to travel out of town due to some family issues, On my arrival (just of recent), she broke the news. I was like what happened? I was only gone for about a month or so. , remember luke? , she said. I said yeah. Luke was the guy that had been disturbing her for over a year and she never succumbed to his wish but they hung out a lot. "Stuffs happend." she said. Out of shock and curiousity, i asked her what happend. She said she had cheated on her boyfriend in 9ja with luke. I felt like she was tricking me but she showed me proof and I almost screamed m lungs off, why? I never knew my friend was still a virgin. SHe had just lost her virginity to luke, a guy she likes a lot not the one she claims to love in 9ja. I was so flabbergasted and disappointed. I asked her what she was going to do? " I have made some terrible mistakes and I am terribly sorry for them. I told Dan (bf in 9ja) that I cheated via e-mail and he doesn't want to talk to me or e-mail or even chat. He told me to go on with my newguy and let him heal because his heart is deeply wounded. I felt so sad after I heard this, My friendstarted crying claiming she still loves Dan and she wants to be with him, I have been begging her to eat for the past 3 days but she has refused to eat a thing. Yall (nairaland members) have to help me with your piece of advice, Please help because I don't know what to tell this girl again. i thought about calling the guy to beg him but I don't know if that is such a good idea, Luke really likes my friend, now tht he took away her pride, he loves her and want to spend the rest of his life with her. she likes him but she loves Dan. HElppppppppppppppppppppp , If you are going to help, please direct the message to her directly, ie, Dear (not her real name)Mary, i'll print off all the responses and show it to her.

I am thanking you all ahead of time. I am quite shocked and sad at how messed up my friend looks. I never knew love could do this to people. I thank you all ahead for your reponses. Make them urgent please.

@SweetnSour

I don't think your friend looks all messed up because of love. She looks all messed up because she can't bear her guilt, and that's a very heavy feeling.

@Mary

I have to think carefully before I make any comment.

Thanks @genial for taking the time to read and respond.  I will be awaiting your advice and that of others. I'm just concerned about her health with the way things are going.

@fellow ,  thanks for the advice, i will look into that. I have thought about what you said but how I tell her a depressed girl love is gone? she believes something is coming back to her and you want me to worsen the situation? Please put yourself in my shoes. Would you make your friend cry more when he/she has nearly killed u with tears? I know she messed up and I scolded her for that but I don't want anything bad to happen to her. What can i really do? ,  at least to get her to cheer up a little bit.

@sweetnsour,
high time u butt out of their business and let ur friends her love life be. Afterall, she ain't no kid. Don't condemn her but just respect her wishes as a friend.

@Mary
people do make mistakes and only way to survive em how to deal with it and learn from it. Maybe Luke loves u genuiely and long distance relationships don't always pay off. U need to stop feelibng guilty as the deed has already been done.
U need to decide wat next u wanna do, really wanna move on with Luke or get back and plead with Dan? no one will make that decision for u except u. u been with both guys and know wat both of them have to offer.

wateva u decide, wish ya all the best

Dear Mary,

The deed is done. There's nothing you can do about it now. You cannot change what happened by torturing yourself. You know you messed up. That's fair enough. But killing (read: starving) yourself will do no one any good, starting from yourself.

It would be very easy to judge and condemn you. But there is no longer any need for that, in addition to the fact that I am not qualified to do so. I may not understand the pressures you have faced, or the particular circumstances that led to this, but I expect that, at least, somewhere in your heart, you would not have wanted it to happen. It's usually like walking at the edge of a precipice - at some point you kind of lose sight of the reality of the drop just beyond the edge. Of course, by the time you fall, it's too late to do anything about it.

You are responsible for your actions, and will face their consequences, but not for the way other people respond to them. You have already told Dan what happened. Now the ball is in his court. He has a right to make a decision on what to do - no one can begrudge him that. And whatever decision he makes, he has a right to. You? You decide how you respond. He has told you to let him be, that he wants to heal. Perhaps I would have responded the same way if I were in his shoes, or maybe more forcefully. What did you expect from him? Surely you were not surprised at his response. Only if you were of no value to him would he have responded otherwise. He should be hurt. Wouldn't you be? But then, he is also responsible for how he chooses to respond.

What do you do now? I have a few questions for you:

1. The journey you have started with Luke, how far do you want it to last? Since you have started to have sex, it's probably going to be more difficult for you to stay without it now. How are you going to deal with that?

2. Do you really want Dan back, or your desire to make restitution is driving you to him? How about Luke?

I have a few suggestions:

1. Pick up yourself and look to the future. Get a grip on yourself! There are other issues of life that you have to deal with - your schooling for example. Think of that. Take solace in the fact that, while you cannot change the past, you can affect the future by what you do with the present. Think of the future. Work on your present.

2. You can write Dan a letter/email. He probably doesn't want to hear your voice at this time, and may not read the email now, but he possibly will, sometime in the future. In the email, reaffirm your love for him, and assure him that what happened was a mistake that will not repeat itself (assuming this is all true, of course). He knows you could've chosen not to tell him what happened. I'm sure he will think about that too. It may not be a very good idea to try to explain why it happened. Grovelling falls into the same category, in my opinion. Show your remorse - apologise, etc and, if applicable, let him know that you are still there for him. Even if you do not wish to continue in your relationship with him, I suppose that can't do much harm. But think carefully about what you write. Don't say it if you don't mean it. It might help to consult a few trusted friends on this. That done, this one is his ball. Let him play it.

Best wishes,
G.

i dont even feel pitty for this girl,the only person i feel for is the guy being cheated on.hello.do ya ll know what it means to still be in love even though she is miles away.we all know what being in the states is like.i feel hurt myself.when it comes to love am very vulnerable and this story has really touched me so much.at 29 still feel like a kid just becos am in love.let the so called cheat carry her cross.girls they can be unpredictable as my man Jamie Foxx will say.

harvey:

i don't even feel pitty for this girl,the only person i feel for is the guy being cheated on.hello.do ya ll know what it means to still be in love even though she is miles away.we all know what being in the states is like.i feel hurt myself.when it comes to love am very vulnerable and this story has really touched me so much.at 29 still feel like a kid just because am in love.let the so called cheat carry her cross.girls they can be unpredictable as my man Jamie Foxx will say.

Not good to be quick to judge pple.

do u know wat the guy has been up to as well?

long distance ain't easy. pple grow apart and learn different interest, meet new pple and learn new lifestyle,
it just doesn't work most of the time and life is too short, u either go thru life or let life go thru u.

@Genial, May the good Lord strengthen you in every possible way. You have really helped.

@Busta and fellow, I thank both of you for your time and effort.

@harvey, thanks 4 your opinion.

UPDATE

She tired to call him but didn't get through. SHe e-mailed him and he didn't reply. I snet him an offlind mesage begging him to read the last mail she sent because she told me to tell him so. He finally replied her message and they both fixed a time to chat. they chatted for over 3 hours, so she says. He tol dher he couldn't get over what she did but he has forgiven her. She went further to explain how everything went (long story). He was shocked at the incident but he felt bad that it happened because he knew she was a girl with good morals. He told her that he had spread the news to everyone ( Mary's friends in Nigeria, his friends (both known and unknown to mary) plus family). Mary was not pleased with that but she did not say anything. He told her he would like to pick up the pieces and continue. SHe objected.

I almost went nuts when she told me because I believed she wanted to work things out with him. Mary said she believe he has hidden intentions because he is the kind that finds it hard to forgive or get over something. She said all she wanted was forgiveness and time to heal because she was hurting as much as he was. He believes she is trying to break up with him and he is not pleased with that. Mary claims she believe they both need time to see if continuing is a good idea. She emphasized how it'd be a problem for her to be in a relationship where there's lack of trust. I kind of reason with her but I need to know what yall think?

Is she on the right track? I cannto make decisions for her but I can advice her. You can do that too so help me help her on what the next step should be.

They definitely need some time apart.

this is a tricky issue that has to be handled with all the delicacy it deserves. 1st it has brought to the fore that nothing can be compared to physical presence. true phones and emails play a role in keeping lovers connected when they are apart, but its never the same like the real thing. feeling the embrace of a loved one, his/her touch and the likes.
well, what has happened has happened. lets not cry over spilt milk; rather let a solution be proffered. the answer to the whole problem lies in the hands of your friend (i think mary was the name u used). if she still loves her guy in nigeria, let her summon up the courage to tell him. she should not expect him to take it calmly. hell might come down due to the confession, but it is worth it. damn that popular saying that some secrets need not be shared between lovers. what if the guy gets to know from another source? the outcome might be more devastating than if she had told him herself. at least, the guy deserves that much. genuinely prove to him that u are sorry. he might not be willing to forgive at first, keep on trying. if he on his part is willing to keep on with u, he will find a place in his heart to forgive (hell, no one is above mistakes, though some might be costly, but then, )
if on the other hand, he severs the relationship, try to let it go. and then ask yourself if you find dan worthy enough to continue where the two of u left off.
(i hope what i've said here is helpful.)

I want to thank you all and bring you updates at the same time.

Mary and Dan talked and worked things out (so to say). He says he doesn't want any time apart that they should pick up the pieces and just move on. I for one odn't think it's such a good idea but they are back together. What I have an issue with is the fatc that luke keeps popping up and mary is still invovled with him sexually. She cries afterwards saying it's just so hard to say no to him. I want to be there for my friend but I am very upset at the present situation because I don't even know what to say to this girl anymore. It's like she keeps going back to what she needs to walk away from.

correct me if i am wrong, but i feel that your friend is playing a very dangerous game here. the guy in nigeria has forgiven him and has even gone to the extent of mending up the pieces of the relationship with her. now what kind of sexual attraction does she have with Luke again? i can see that your friend has not learnt her lesson. maybe by the time she gets into deeper trouble then she would understand.

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I would advise Mary to be real. i was expecting her to own up to herself that she dosent love
d nigerian guy anymore but i didnt get that from the update.
Ma bad i joined in late but i immediately perceived after she had slept with Luke that she was
going to do it again because she gave him her virginity( not as tho' he raped her anyway).
She only grieving at what she lost in the nigerian guy obviously not that she really loves him
as she claims. But it could also be that she loved him before she started sleeping with the Luke Guy.

But the real thing remains that a lady will not always have the swill power to keep away from
someone she lost her virginity to. She has to accept the fact that she has lost her dream guy
(the nigerian) and stick with her Luke. She'l remain faithful to him as long as they remain in the
same confine.

Dats it. Just forget the Nigerian whom uv lost already. Even if he forgives you and you both get back,
it can never be the same, neither for you nor him. You lost each other as long as Virginity is involved.
Since you couldnt give it to him and yet gave it to some other guy, insecurity issues will
always come up.

So just live your life and forget about what uv lost.
Dont go begging the Nigerian to have you back because you both will only live
a life of pretence and sooner than later u'l fallout

well she just has to move on with her life and forget dan afterall no one forced her to sleep with luke,she slept with him with her two eyes open and not closed.so she better face the consequences.and i really admire her sincerity in telling dan the truth,thats really cool.