I'm new to this but so glad I came across this website, it's so frustrating having something on your mind and not being able to spill, but now I can

Ok, it starts with me having my son at 16 and his nearly 10 now.  I have not been married/had a serious relationship  since and I fear this is because I have a child.  I have been in relationships but they never lead anywhere (partly due to me aswell as I have issues opening up and letting my guard down).  As I am now, I haven't been in a relationship for almost 2yrs.

Is it me or am I right in thinking that nigerian men generally don't want to settle down with a woman who has a kid? I have no contact with my son's dad and it's always been me and my son so I sometimes can't always be going out on dates/bars because I have responsibilities.  I did date someone on/off for 5yrs (the only guy my son ever saw me with and we never kissed/touched each other in front  of him which made it also difficult for both of us)and after we broke up in a such a bad way, he actually admitted to one of my friends that he was going to eventually marry me (not that I wanted to, I did not find him physically attractive but we got on so well that we just got so close) which gave me hope, but he could have just said that for the sake of it.

I work hard to provide for me and my son but it would be really good just to have someone to have an adult conversation with or even how my day at work was/how I am. 

Can any guys shed light?

Pity you for making the mistake in the first instance. Get if off your mind and don't let it bother you, it's your past that has to be unmindful of, cos of the pains it brings along whenever you remember it.

Always open up to whoever comes your way and don't hide that part of your life please. I've got a sister who is in the same shoe as yours and she should be getting mrried any moment from now. She owes everything to God. So let God take control, don't condemn yourself, don't fall cheaply for guys just because you wanted a relationship badly, be positive and you'ld see things go the right way for you by God's grace.

As for your son, God'll help you to make him somebody in the future

Mistakes do happen and i praise u for not having an abortion . The thing is u r looking after ur kid and thats a good thing. As for Niger men, my sis, i understand ur plight. I think men will see the child as u been more attached to the child than to them.

But i know if a guy really loves u, he'll accept ur child no matter what. As well when u go into a relationship, open up and explain the facts to the person. Whoever aint down with it will at least have an early exit out of both ur lives.

As per the guy who left, I don't think the guy was right for u or else it would av worked.

My view though. Take kare.

@ sirkay, I don't think you read my post well, I did not say I fall easily for guys! I'm alot wiser than to listen to chat that guys spill and please - don't pity me! I love my life and would not change my son for anything but it would be nice to have someone take an interest in me (big difference). I am not desperate for any man.



I was simply asking guys views on if they would marry a woman with a child/women with the same circumstances.

@prettyH, thanks for that, you are so right. If a man loves me then of course he will love my child just as much. I just get abit weak at times but I leave everything to God.

x

@chocolatte, Sir Kay only responded to the tone of your story. You sounded more like seeking a piece of advice, from guys on this Forum, which was exactly what my big brorther, Sir Kay did, but unfortunately you were too harsh on him.

Well chocolatte, I've been there. I know alot of people on this forum are going to be surprised at what am about to say but I believe you guys are like family to me now so here goes.

My first child was actually born out of wedlock. I had him during my NYSC and I was 21 then. His father was not really in the picture so it was just me, him and my family. As you all konw am now married to the love of my life. It wasnt easy getting there cause I had to deal with alot of things along the way.

My dear, I of the things my Husband says attracted him to me was my kid. On the very first day we met and he asked me about my self I told him about my kid. He was so shocked I could actually even tell him that. Well we fell in love and later got married too and Ibrahim now has a little sister. My husband loves my boy like he was his. They are so close I get jealous sometimes. Of cause i had met some guys before then who always thot they were doing me a favour by even checking me up when I have a kid in my father's house. But that never stopped me.I knew true love was out there and I was going to find it.  Just concentrate on your son, making yourself a better person and getting close to your God and believe me, He'll come through for you.

There are guys out there who are looking for a good woman,whether single mum, divorced, over 30, not a virgin and wateve, but a good woman. Make your self, build your self into that woman and God will bring that man to your doorstep. I actually met my husband in my parents place. Right in front of my house!

And kenflavour I don't think chocolatte was harsh or rude to Sir kay,She just wanted him to realize that she wasnt looking for pity and I believe her post was clear  enough. I believe even you can still advise her appropriately, youve always been a nice guy so what more do you really have to say on her issue? I'll be waiting to hear from you too!

Thank you alheri. How old was your child when you met your husband? I just think beacuse my son is almost 10, his not a baby anymore and it would be hard for a man to bond with him (he would be jealous and it's always been me and him and I would not want him to feel like someone was taking me away/our time together).

@kenflavor Sorry if I sounded harsh. I just needed him to understand.

My boy was 3 wen i met my husband. If youre ready to start dating explain it to your son. Tell him about man/woman relationships and things like that. He's nomore a baby so you can actually explain certain things to him. Look around you,point out happy two-parent-families to him, ask him if he'd like that. You know him better so begin to prepare him for such an eventuality. Honestly it can happen, You can do it,God will help you.

alheri:


And kenflavour I don't think chocolatte was harsh or rude to Sir kay,She just wanted him to realize that she wasnt looking for pity and I believe her post was clear enough. I believe even you can still advise her appropriately, youve always been a nice guy so what more do you really have to say on her issue? I'll be waiting to hear from you too!

My dear alheri, is okay. I think you should be the best that could advice her.

I am surprised, you never told me you had Ibrahim before meeting my brother (just kidding)

chocolatte:

Thank you alheri. How old was your child when you met your husband? I just think beacuse my son is almost 10, his not a baby anymore and it would be hard for a man to bond with him (he would be jealous and it's always been me and him and I would not want him to feel like someone was taking me away/our time together).

@kenflavor Sorry if I sounded harsh. I just needed him to understand.

No qualms love. I am very sure alheri's advice will do you a whole lot of good. Just hold on to God. Believe in yourself and let your boy understand that he needs to have sisters and brothers like his other friends in school. I am very sure he will understand. After all he's a big boy.
A man destined to be your REAL HUBBY is on the way, just watch out. I believe my God doesn't fail those that believeth in HIM

Thanks people.

I feel so much better now.

I know my God never fails so it's all good.

chocolatte, thanks for sharing your story. It's enlightening.

kenflavor:

My dear alheri, is okay. I think you should be the best that could advice her.

I am surprised, you never told me you had Ibrahim before meeting my brother (just kidding)
My brother, you know how it is. But now that we are pally pally, I will tell you all. So,what do you want to know?


No qualms love. I am very sure alheri's advice will do you a whole lot of good. Just hold on to God. Believe in yourself and let your boy understand that he needs to have sisters and brothers like his other friends in school. I am very sure he will understand. After all he's a big boy.
A man destined to be your REAL HUBBY is on the way, just watch out. I believe my God doesn't fail those that believeth in HIM

I knew you could give her some tips. Coming from a guy will make a difference to her.

Where are Nairalanders. Please Chocolatte will be very glad to hear from you all. I wonder where GP and Nferyn are. Those guys are no more visiting, whats happening now. Seun when last have u heard from these my brothers?

chocolatte, I understand where u are coming from. i know a girl who had a child out of wedlock and unfortunately the guy didn't rise up to his responsiblities. To your question, personally if I loved a girl and she had a child yes we could work it out, but like you rightfully pointed out your son is growing up and tendency is that he is really bonded to you. Another man coming in might seem like an intrusion, it would take some gettiing use to from his part and of course the guy. from you profile i guess u are staying in london which is a more liberal society than nigeria. I think the challenge you would have is getting your son to accept you man. i can't say i know how you would do this, but my view is you should start getting him to understand that mummy needs (i hope i'm using the right word!) a man.

hey gurl,although im a single parent maself i cant say i understand completely how u feel.i mean im only 17 i had ma ex gurl had our child wen i was 15.i mean he gon' b two dis december n im gona b 18 aswell.itz not easy bein a single parent but i'd say ma son is a lesson n at d same time a blessing to me.
but pray.onli God can hear ur prayers n answer dem.
i think u need to trust again and love again dats y u find it hard to let ur gouards down.but itz ok.if every guy decides to disappont u,u got yo boi hu loves u.u got God too.

@ chocholate, First I must commend u for a number of thing; u kept the baby, and u shared ur story! I have a similar experience. Ma date also had a child out of wedlock who will turn 4 in October, the first time I asked her out she told me outrightly that she had a boy. Her sincerity made me trudt her and love her the more, we are working towards marriage and am willing to take her son as mine, however like others have observed, at 10+, u and ur son have already bonded well and he may see another man as an intuder but I do believe that communication will play a big role here. Be open to both ur son and ur new date. Goodluck!

hey thanks for being candid.

@ your question as to whether guys find it difficult to settle with women that have kid(s) from previous relationships, yes and no-- I'll explain why.

In Nigeria there's the stereotype that tends to brand these such women as "loose" and promiscuous. It's quite appaling, but the society has massive quirks, smeared in delusion and deciet. Thinking rationally, there might very well be reasonable causes for child-bearing out of wed-lock, but preconditioned mindsets are hard to deal with. Based on this, a prospect might view a woman with a kid as a woman with issues related to dependency and/or promiscuity. Sometimes even 'intellectuals' do the same.

Some men think they might have had enough problems with women without children, and don't need one with a child. However there are some men that just are able to love one as one is. Not all nigerian men are negative toward these such women, but chances are greater that amongst Nigerian men, most would rather date a woman without "strings". I say-- the heck with nigerian men-- If a north korean can love you better, fire right on.

Just keep being positive. I love your spirit. If you've done it this far, you're close to finding rest.

Girl whats up? How you doing?

Well am in that boat as well, i have an 8and half year old daughter and she is my world.
But the sad fact is that men do discriminate when you have a kid but i have come to see that in this day and age, there are lots of single mothers so men kinda have no choice.

It is hard datig as a single parent but you kinda have to date, you cant let that get in your way.
You need to make a conscious effort to go out and meet new pwople, do new things and in that process you will come across lots of people.

At least with you its different cause u have a boy but i have a daughter and with girls you have to be twice as careful.
I cant have any 'strangers' in the house cause there will always be lots of questions to answer and i dont want her seeing too many different men in my life.

Rite now, i go out when i can and ai pay a child minder to watch her for me. NOBODY except my family sleeps in my house and i dont care how handsome or good the person is.

Its quite hard but men would rather you be honest than lie.
I personally havent had a problem so far and i feel the way you present your son to people matters - dont let having a baby put you off going out or stop you, and dont feel you have to settle for anybody cause u already have a child in fact, that should make you wanna settle for the very best.

Keep your chin up girl.

dear chocolate

a few questions

did you ever discuss the circumstances of the dad with your son?

have you ever thot of what path you would take if the dad shows up one day asking of the boy? and what if they meet and they get so attached to each other and push you aside?

also what if you get married now and after 5 years the boy wants to go join his dad when your new husband has gotten attached to your son and doesnt want to let go?

you need to think on these as they can disrupt an otherwise happy home

Dear Chocolate,

There is no difference no matter where you live at: Nigeria, Africa, Europe, USA, UK, Asia, or whatever it is. Most men are NOT interested in dating a single mother with children (out of wedlock or divorced or raped victims), all men CLAIM THAT it is "EXTRA BAGGAGE" when they see a single mother with children.

I am a single divorced parent of two teenager children at age 14 and 19, not easy to date man under the special circumstance, I was granted by the court hearing to change from sole custody to jointly custody to my parent taking care of my children while I move out living in the large major city where second largest deaf population reside at with a good reason: high technology employment.  My parent and my children reside in a very small farming rural town that does not have public transportation and still lags far behind in computer technology (no technology job available for me in rural town). In a major large city/suburban area, the housing (both apartment leases and houses) costs OUTRAGE PRICES higher than my rural small town---3 hours driving.

I was married to bear two children with the same father, but their father never VISIT to see his own children in both my marriage life and divorced life. My ex-husband does not know where I live at, because it is too far to meet me at my place. So he now rarely visits my children at my parent's home without me at present!  WHY BOTHER men whom i dated in the past WORRY about my children's father? Their father (my ex-husband) is out of the picture in my life---does not bother me and my children.

Ironically, i still don't get dating decent men while i live alone in my apartment I take my own responsibility on finanical obligations at my own expenses FOR 3 YEARS! It doesn't work for me!!!  At least, I am very much happy to be independent single mother whatever I want to spend my quality time with my children in TWO HOMES i commute in 3 hours driving back and forth, WITHOUT HAVING A MAN sharing with my love life!!! I still travel on a vacation cruises/dining out in a different cities, fellowshipping with my own limited trustworthy friends, and chatting with my children electronically communication both instant message with webcam, pager/cellphone, and email on balanced daily basis. _{(Yes I do want a man I want to get married!)}

Remember Jesus is with me wherever I go refer to my favorite Bible scripture, Proverbs 3:5-6---knowing that i was  not alone.

Uspry1

Uspry girl, i feel your pain.
I know there is man out there for everybody.

I know of a woman that had six or seven kids with six or seven different fathers and she still found her man.

Wow! Well thank you ladies for sharing your experiences. I can assure you that a few (like myself) has learnt one or two things. Chocolate and the rest of y’all single and separated or divorced mothers. God will give you that special man from whose ribs you were formed. Cheers