I met James three years ago in July 2011 as we were both leaving a Die Antwoord (a South African rap-rave group, FYI) concert. It was the middle of one of the hottest summers on record, but nature chose that night to unleash a torrential downpour upon our corner of the world.

I remember people shrieking and running for cover as the rain mercilessly drenched the hordes clad in sleeveless tops and shorts. The air felt alive and thick with the smell of rain, sweat, earth and people.



He was close as I fumbled around in my handbag. He stepped beneath the shelter of my umbrella without prior introduction and simply said, 'I'm glad I found you.' And that was how it began.

Despite such cinematic beginnings, it would be insulting for me to pretend that the rest of my brief time with James passed by in a dizzy haze of crimson roses and candlelit dinners. The reality was far more ordinary than my nostalgic tendencies would have me believe.

We were just normal people who spent time together. We kissed, we argued, we made love, we cried. There was never any mention of the L word and all that such a concept entailed. To say that James was my soul mate might be the dramatically appropriate thing to say, but it would not be the truth. He was merely a man I met one summer whom I dated for about four months, before he died in a rafting accident while abroad. And that was how it ended.

Yet out of all the people I have known and lost, it is James whose absence haunts my memories. We never promised each other anything more permanent than a Friday night date at the cinema, yet he is the sole reason why I find myself angry at the world sometimes. I'm angry at places we used to visit for existing as though nothing has changed.

I'm angry at friends for the times when they're concerned about me and the times when they're not.

Above all, though, I'm angry at myself: for feeling guilty over a loss I did not cause in any way, for being aimless and without purpose when I should be focused and independently capable, and for failing to maintain all of my relationships (both romantic and platonic) because of the

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