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I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? - Romance (2) - Nairaland

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Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by MissWrite(f): 1:13am On Nov 22, 2017
Dear Op, I'm really sorry about the ordeal you suffered as a child. What's even sadder is that you're just one out of a lot too many. But you shouldn't disclose things about yourself on Nairaland that you may still be very sensitive about (even if it is anonymously), because NL is full of immature, insensitive, malicious brats that spew thoughtless comments that may still be able to hurt your fragile self-esteem (a fall-out of abuse). When you do open up about things like these, you should be able to trust the person. In the very least, trust that they won't trivialize the issue or insinuate that you are somehow to blame.

It is understandable that this would plague you now when you're about to tie the knot. We believe that women are to be offered up to men pure and holy. That's why we use words like 'defiled' when sh*t like this happens. You should get that out of your head. Don't think that this diminishes your worth in any way. Life happened. The ugly parts of it. Don't let it define you. If you do decide to tell him (and I'm not saying you should), make sure you know that you are not making an apology.

What I would advise is: talk to a professional, a therapist, who would help you make peace with this and put it firmly behind you. If full disclosure is part of their expert recommendation, then do it. They'll be able to give you better direction. And I say, therapist and not pastor, because (while there are some sound pastors), a lot of them can't see past their personal biases. Whatever you do, I wish you the best, hun.

6 Likes

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Shegzy8(m): 1:16am On Nov 22, 2017
chisos:::::she go fetch water but her virginity was fetched....well its going to be damn hard for a guy to contain that in his heart...it can spring trust issues because men tend to be insecure especially when they know you have messed up somewhere...women really need to stop using this virginity as a tool to holding a man down and men also needs to stop using virginity as a tool to measure if a girl is good or bad...just pray about it and tell him, he might get vexed but with time he will consider the love between you both

1 Like

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Nobody: 4:02am On Nov 22, 2017
Confusedsoul:
It happened in 2004.I was deflowered by a laundry man in adesuper hotel Ondo. I don't know if I'm still a virgin or not and this is a secret I've kept to myself all along. The thoughts of the event saddens my heart and I can't help but keep thinking of how I will disclose this to my fiance. I need advice please

*Modified
To all those that have decided to add to my misery with the disheartening comments, I just want to say that I'm not dignifying any myopic individual with a reply by trading banters

Did you tell him that you were a virgin before? Or did you refuse sex on the pretext that you are one? Because in my experience guys don't really care about virginity, infact they don't expect you to be.

2 Likes

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Confusedsoul: 9:43am On Nov 22, 2017
Amarabae:
Why do you want to disclose it?
Why not forget the past and move on.
Why do you want the past to haunt the present, thereby endangearing the future.
Thanks sis,I think this will be better
Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Confusedsoul: 2:49pm On Nov 22, 2017
MissWrite:
Dear Op, I'm really sorry about the ordeal you suffered as a child. What's even sadder is that you're just one out of a lot too many. But you shouldn't disclose things about yourself on Nairaland that you may still be very sensitive about (even if it is anonymously), because NL is full of immature, insensitive, malicious brats that spew thoughtless comments that may still be able to hurt your fragile self-esteem (a fall-out of abuse). When you do open up about things like these, you should be able to trust the person. In the very least, trust that they won't trivialize the issue or insinuate that you are somehow to blame.

It is understandable that this would plague you now when you're about to tie the knot. We believe that women are to be offered up to men pure and holy. That's why we use words like 'defiled' when sh*t like this happens. You should get that out of your head. Don't think that this diminishes your worth in any way. Life happened. The ugly parts of it. Don't let it define you. If you do decide to tell him (and I'm not saying you should), make sure you know that you are not making an apology.

What I would advise is: talk to a professional, a therapist, who would help you make peace with this and put it firmly behind you. If full disclosure is part of their expert recommendation, then do it. They'll be able to give you better direction. And I say, therapist and not pastor, because (while there are some sound pastors), a lot of them can't see past their personal biases. Whatever you do, I wish you the best, hun.
Waoo!! Thanks a lot ma,the mistake I did was sharing this on NL they are just savage people without manners, cried reading their comments it ain't there fault.God bless you for this ma.

1 Like 1 Share

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Confusedsoul: 2:51pm On Nov 22, 2017
dicefrost:


Did you tell him that you were a virgin before? Or did you refuse sex on the pretext that you are one? Because in my experience guys don't really care about virginity, infact they don't expect you to be.
I told him I am a virgin because I actually do not know my status maybe I am one or not.
Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by yhemster(m): 3:27pm On Nov 22, 2017
To my understanding, some virgins don't have sealed couch bt it'll definitely be quite tight. While some non-virgins (bt not more then 2 encounters) can regain their sealed status back.
Personally as a guy, I won't want to hear such stories cos such memories during romance may ruin the moment. Please, try to heal ur mind and forget. Except, you want to go back and prosecute the culprit.

***Personal opinion.

1 Like

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Nobody: 3:52pm On Nov 22, 2017
ArchangeLucifer:




And he somehow managed to "rape" you at the tap in d presence of every other person fetching water?

Or you willingly followed him into a coded room & got bleeped?

We are not in primary 2.

Underage wh0re.
It's enough man.It's enough....... undecided undecided
She had sex !,then what ?? For she to be seen as a virgin by people around her,that's a clear pointer that she is not wild as you're trying to paint it or make it seen..
That's why I really appreciate a very deep conversation with a lady I have interest in .
I'm imperfect, and certainly,she is too.
Any lady that could courageous want to tell u of her past life ,even if it was a "dirty" one, only signifies u got a rare kind of woman as ur woman that's willing to.be open & honest with u.

1 Like

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Nobody: 4:06pm On Nov 22, 2017
yhemster:
To my understanding, some virgins don't have sealed couch bt it'll definitely be quite tight. While some non-virgins (bt not more then 2 encounters) can regain their sealed status back.
Personally as a guy, I won't want to hear such stories cos such memories during romance may ruin the moment. Please, try to heal ur mind and forget. Except, you want to go back and prosecute the culprit.

***Personal opinion.
It has being scientifically proven that not all women has a hymen from birth.They have also being many cases where the hymen has being torn due to strenuous exercise or activities...
With that,an "unsealed" vagina orifice before marriage is not a reliable means for determining a lady who is a virgin or not .

2 Likes

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by AryEmber(f): 4:17pm On Nov 22, 2017
Confusedsoul:
Waoo!! Thanks a lot ma,the mistake I did was sharing this on NL they are just savage people without manners, cried reading their comments it ain't there fault.God bless you for this ma.
Thank God you're one of us
Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by ArchangeLucifer: 4:50pm On Nov 22, 2017
MidNightHunter:

It's enough man.It's enough....... undecided undecided
She had sex !,then what ?? For she to be seen as a virgin by people around her,that's a clear pointer that she is not wild as you're trying to paint it or make it seen..
That's why I really appreciate a very deep conversation with a lady I have interest in .
I'm imperfect, and certainly,she is too.
Any lady that could courageous want to tell u of her past life ,even if it was a "dirty" one, only signifies u got a rare kind of woman as ur woman that's willing to.be open & honest with u.



If she had said the truth, "I had sex while I was a kid." & even add a small lie like "I deeply regret it.", we wouldn't be bashing her you know? We'd sympathize & advice her.

Its the lie that's irked us. As I stated earlier, we are not in primary 2.

She's trying to make it look like her lost virginity wasn't her fault. She should be solely responsible for her own actions.

When she grows some balls, we'll proffer advice.

Cheers.
Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Nobody: 5:03pm On Nov 22, 2017
Rayhandrinni:
Catpiss, everyones been defiled this days init?

the last three girls iv been with talked bout been defiled... it's starting to sound like cock and bull
go th nairaland crime section, the number one crime apart from robbery and ritual killings is raping of minors. So yes 4 in every 10 girls have been sexually molested as children. I work in a children's centre and i know what i am saying

1 Like

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by walepackage(m): 5:14pm On Nov 22, 2017
The foundation of the relationship is faulty.How could you tell a man that you are a virgin when you know you were 'defile' longtime ago.I know why you brought it here, is becouse your conscious is telling you he will finally find out,which you are afraid to loose him.The truth lies that you could have save yourself this stress initially by telling him your status.But no,you decide to play along with his intelligent and looks holly to him.Well,it depends on who your guy his,he may consider you,but it will keep ringing in his head mosttime he wants to 'kpansh' or if you offend him.
Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Nobody: 5:31pm On Nov 22, 2017
Confusedsoul:
It happened in 2004.I was deflowered by a laundry man in adesuper hotel Ondo. I don't know if I'm still a virgin or not and this is a secret I've kept to myself all along. The thoughts of the event saddens my heart and I can't help but keep thinking of how I will disclose this to my fiance. I need advice please

*Modified
To all those that have decided to add to my misery with the disheartening comments, I just want to say that I'm not dignifying any myopic individual with a reply by trading banters

If you were defied in early childhood and didn't have intercourse since then, it will be tight, don't worry. Don't tell him until you have closure, when you do, hold his hands, look him in the eyes, ask him to sit on the bed, and tell him

1 Like

Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by Ayoolajumoke(f): 6:28pm On Nov 22, 2017
Wow, I know adesuper in Ondo.

Since you said you were defiled then you definitely are not a virgin, just tell him already and never deceive him till the wedding night.
Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by AryEmber(f): 8:46pm On Nov 22, 2017
ArchangeLucifer:




If she had said the truth, "I had sex while I was a kid." & even add a small lie like "I deeply regret it.", we wouldn't be bashing her you know? We'd sympathize & advice her.

Its the lie that's irked us. As I stated earlier, we are not in primary 2.

She's trying to make it look like her lost virginity wasn't her fault. She should be solely responsible for her own actions.

When she grows some balls, we'll proffer advice.

Cheers.
Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by AryEmber(f): 8:53pm On Nov 22, 2017
ArchangeLucifer:




If she had said the truth, "I had sex while I was a kid." & even add a small lie like "I deeply regret it.", we wouldn't be bashing her you know? We'd sympathize & advice her.

Its the lie that's irked us. As I stated earlier, we are not in primary 2.

She's trying to make it look like her lost virginity wasn't her fault. She should be solely responsible for her own actions.

When she grows some balls, we'll proffer advice.

Cheers.
For the first time, you wrote without hate( well, that I know of) and I totally agree with you. She irritated me with the word defile and to think she's asking if she's still a virgin? Nonsense!
Re: I Was Defiled As A Kid, How Do I Tell My Fiance? by ArchangeLucifer: 9:17pm On Nov 22, 2017
AryEmber:
For the first time, you wrote without hate( well, that I know of) and I totally agree with you. She irritated me with the word defile and to think she's asking if she's still a virgin? Nonsense!





I don't write with hate.

I say it the way it is.

Truth hurts.

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