This is not my style to discuss matters about my love life in Nairaland, however, I feel like I am at the end of the road with what to do and I need some feedback that will give me the direction to the right answer.

I managed to put myself in a strange situation after a four-years break up with my ex- boyfriend.
We were six years together off and on planned to get married. It was not the most perfect affair but we loved  each other. My family was/still fond of him. The time we broke up it was a difficult moment for both of us. He had some problems and lives in another country than me. I did not see him for two years but we always stayed in contact by phone or with letters. After some time I decided that we could not go on like that anymore and I broke up with him. I dated someone else for a year and things ended because he felt that my ex was still in the picture.

Two years ago, I visited him where he lives. I was still heartbroken about the guy that broke up with me  because I was still stuck up with him. Anyway to make a long story short my ex accepted that I dated some one in our break and wants us to come back together. That was two years ago, intotal, we are now four years further and he still wants the same. Last year after Christmas, I visited him and he gave me an ultimatum in May.  I don't know what  to do. For the past months I have been thinking to continue with him and the other time I want to move on. I think I will always love him but I am not in love with him. Furthermore, I don't feel that we are on the same wave length.  I always felt that we are better friends than couples.  However, he understands me like no one does,  What shall I do? go for love or friendship If I a go for him that means that I have to live where he lives soon and practice a long distant relationship for some time.

Let me add that I have until beginning of May with my decision and he said that he will move on with no more looking back if I decide that I don't want to continue. I appreciate any questions, comments, tips and constructive criticism.

@ topic for a man/ guy to accept you back knowing that you dated some one else during the break -up he needs to be commended.

As a popular saying goes marry someone who loves and cares about you abi ?
what is this thing called Love sef? is it not caring for, understandingand being loyal to somebody or a group of people?
if i was in your position i will definitely go back to my ex,another popular saying a known devil is better than an unknown one!

so what ? you are going to do the long distance thingy for some time, its hard but you ain't doing it for life abi?

Ol gal ultimately the choice is yours to make oh! your choice your chase!

_{pay me no mind jare! these are the ramblings of an ogogoro infested mind!}

@ topic for a man/ guy to accept you back knowing that you dated some one else during the break -up he needs to be commended.

hmm what if he dated several other girls

You didn't say if he was with someone
are you happy to go live with him?

why don't you try being friends first like more calls and the usual and see if you get along better than before
and this thing about ultimatum

I was in similar experience what Chichimma had thru with her ex, but in my situation, I already talked to my ex telling how I feel abt him in order to end our closurance before I move on dating someone new. We had been together on/off for 2 years at the end of 3rd year he broke up with me.

Eventually last year, my ex called me to sit down and discussing that he was ready wanting move on to end our affair because he want to give engagement ring to someone else, make sure that I had no hard feeling about it. I have not see, contact, or visit my ex for one year until 8 months ago, i was happy found someone new.

Suddenly, this year 2007 he was not happy with current fiancee, called me wanting me back. I told him that i am sorry that i no intend to go back to my ex. Because he still currently live with his fiancee and 5 kids (not his) no intended to end his relationship with her---continue helping her finanically (she is jobless). Impossible for him to throw her and 5 kids out of the street. He cannot afford paying expensive apt lease ALONE if he throw her out.

I no intend go back to my ex, even I used to love him very much! Because his mind is complex---still confused and rebounded that I do not understand, why dating single mother of 5 younger kids (not his)? Same with his previous ex---another single mother of 4 younger kids (not his) before me. I am free single when I was dated my ex (my children are grown adults). It make me wonder that he likes dating single mother of young kids as many as he want to!!!

Think about it! do you want go thru like this?

@ all,

Thank you . I have a lot to think about.

I forgot to mention one thing about him during our relationship he could be very violent towards me and had a bad temper if he got upset! However, he says he is a changed man now and never will lift a finger on me again. Although, I cant forget all these things that happened in the past. Sometimes, I wonder how I put up with him but I can see that he is changed. But you know what they say it is not easy to forget. Who knows if that part of him comes up again. I always pictured us growing old together however now the picture is fading. Everything is a blurr now!! Lately, I met guys that want to date with me but I do not feel like I am ready for anything because of what is going on. Further, these guys do not trigger me for one or more reasons. Anyway, I guess it is not wise to start something new when the other chapter is not finished. A school friend told me two days ago to pray over my ex situation because it looks like I am in some kind of bondage and therefore cannot meet the right guy.

LoverBwoy:

hmm what if he dated several other girls

You didn't say if he was with someone
are you happy to go live with him?

@ LoverBwoy, I am sure he did not dated other girls in that period, I don't know of nowadays. As for the calling part he does not want that. We have been doing that sort for the past years. He wants to move on or not at all. I kind of understand that because we have been in the circle that is not leading to anything but more confusion ( at least from my side)

@ chichimma, The truth about relationships is that nobody can really tell you wat to do. We can advise but you are an adult you still going to do wat you wanna do. I believe the fact you know the right thing to do, follow your heart , just yours not someoneelse's.

@ Lakers,

Your right I am an adult but the thing with relationships can be so complicating! My heart says one thing and my mind another. I have been thinking about this for months and I still don't know Shall I follow my heart or my mind, Oh God help me

Yesterday, I spoke with my ex-boyfriend, I think I made a decision on what to do about this situation.
The question here is will I continue or end things ( and hope that we can still remain friends).

May is on its way. I will let you know what is up after I visit him. I can't say anything now because I made a habit in the past to change my mind. So, I am trying to be a 100 percent sure in whatever I decide .I keep you all posted in what is going to happen.

Thanks again for all your comments and advices

Hi Chichimma,
This sounds very familiar; I have been in a similar situation in the past.
I was in a relationship with a lady for over six years. And I had to leave Nigeria, I came to Europe and we stayed in contact for another few years.
We did not get to see each other until another five years. But what happens is, along the line you both grow apart. Whether we want to accept this or not, this is a natural process. And as you mentioned, this is where the wave-length thing comes in. You develop different future plans and vision, interests, your views and opinions on important issues of life get influenced by the environment you live in and same happens to the other partner. Then raise the question, are you both ready and willing to give the energy and challenges it takes to integrate this into a relationship? It is always easy look back and hold on to past relationships. Part of the reasons, being that those were the days of less worries and challenges, and we dealt with things then based on what we knew. These are different times and people do not like uncertainties. So consciously / unconsciously, we tend to want to fall back to the things we know. I completely agree with you in that it’s a struggle with your heart and mind.
Back to this lady I was dating, she is now married. And for very few times I was in Nigeria initially, I didn’t mind seeing her for old-time sake. But each time I saw her, she was always complaining about her marriage and she once asked me if I would not like to go back to the way we were. But with all due respect, I have moved on and it also occurred to me that we are on different wave-length. After noticing this, since then I have been forced to avoid her when I am in Nigeria. Which I think is a big shame, ‘cos I think we could still be good friends only if she can accept and live with the fact that we would only be friends and nothing more. Which I noticed is difficult for her to accept.
Chichima, like someone already said, you are the only one who can decide for you.
I can imagine it’s not going to be easy, but I think you are an intelligent lady who can take the right decisions. What I can say though, is that it will help if you take some time away from all factors that might influence your decision making process and look into yourself and try to figure out what will be good for you.
I wish you good luck and all the wisdom you need.

I think you should go back to your excess,,the major source of your problem is distance,talk things out,i think he really feel something for you.

@Hotchic
How would you know that? You are only 17 !

Hi all,

I am back from the trip to my ex. I spend about five days with which three days were intensive talking about the ultimatum he gave me. It was very hard to come to a conclusion however as I mentioned in my previous post that I came to a decision. I was still doubting a lot whether I made the right one.

On the third day of my visit I told him that I don't want to continue with him simply because I am not in love anymore and that I have changed and felt that we have grown apart. His response was that he can't be friends with me anymore. At that time he recieved a call and had to leave for a while. We both were thinking about what was discussed. I felt bad because I always saw him as my best friend even when we were in a relationship however if he couldn't live with the thought of being just friends I could accept it.

When he came back we spoke again and he was practically asking for another trial. He felt I owed it to him after everything we went through. I told him that there is no way I can continue this relationship with no real feelings of love in the sense that you need to love someone. I know myself and I know that I am not able to give it a 100 percent of my devotion. He accepted and agreed in being friends however he is not going to stop trying to get me back even if I meet someone else for marriage.

I believe I made the right decision after so many years. There is thing about love . You need it in every relationship it is one of the driving forces that keeps it going. At one point in the relationship the 'in love' converts into 'love' nothing wrong with that but you need the 'in love' ( at least I do) to create the foundation of relationship.

Since the 'in love' was years ago and so many things happened along the line. I feel that I cant give myself again.

What do you think about my decision and point of views?

afrer four years? his penis must be very sweet for you to want him back after four years.

Jeeeez, can't believe u're thinking of gettin back with a guy after a 4 FUCKING YR break! darn girl u must have a lotta nerve!?
break-up with a guy 4 1 nanosec, hurt his manly pride 4 1 teeny-weeny nanosec & then make a u-turn; xcept that guy in question is d Pope, u run stand risk of gettin hit by a "run-away truck". don't tell me that in [b]4 FUCKING YRS, u ain't found sm1 else that tickles ur fancy --- what are u Ms Universe?
[/b]
my point is, get over him & look else where; u don't wanna know how dis is gonna end if u 2 get back 2geda --- not gonna be pretty @ all!

chichimma:

Hi all,

I am back from the trip to my ex. I spend about five days with which three days were intensive talking about the ultimatum he gave me. It was very hard to come to a conclusion however as I mentioned in my previous post that I came to a decision. I was still doubting a lot whether I made the right one.

chichimma:

On the third day of my visit I told him that I don't want to continue with him simply because I am not in love anymore and that I have changed and felt that we have grown apart. I believe I made the right decision after so many years. There is thing about love . You need it in every relationship it is one of the driving forces that keeps it going. At one point in the relationship the 'in love' converts into 'love' nothing wrong with that but you need the 'in love' ( at least I do) to create the foundation of relationship.

Since the 'in love' was years ago and so many things happened along the line. I feel that I can't give myself again.

What do you think about my decision and point of views?

You did well, Chi. For some people, letting go is a hard thing & they try to post-pone the evil day for so long, yet it still doesn't work out. If he had wanted deep down to marry you all this while, he would have done so ages ago, instead of drifting back & forth into this 'on & off' relationship with you.

Hold your head high & pray that he finds happiness with someone else. Maybe, one day when all is said & done, a new friendship (not an affair), could spring up between you both. Who knows the future, but God?

wa_do_mi:

afrer four years? his penis must be very sweet for you to want him back after four years.

His penis is not the issue here but the experiences and love we shared that made it so hard to come to a conclusion. We had something unique. Something that no one could describe not even we.

RuuDie:

Jeeeez, can't believe u're thinking of gettin back with a guy after a 4 FUCKING YR break! darn girl u must have a lotta nerve!?
break-up with a guy 4 1 nanosec, hurt his manly pride 4 1 teeny-weeny nanosec & then make a u-turn; xcept that guy in question is d Pope, u run stand risk of gettin hit by a "run-away truck". don't tell me that in [b]4 FUCKING YRS, u ain't found sm1 else that tickles your fancy --- what are u Ms Universe?
[/b]
my point is, get over him & look else where; u don't want to know how this is going to end if you to get back 2geda --- not going to be pretty @ all!

I guess you did not read the post well. We both were thinking of coming back to each other however he is the one that initiated the whole thing in the first place.
He is not the pope but is one of kind and unique. You don't expect me to share every detail of the six years relationship we had. However, I don't expect every guy to reason the way he does. That is why it was a very difficult decision to make. So, mr/ms rude, I understand your point of view (quite narrow). To answer your question whether I find someone to tickle my fantasy NO, NO, NO and me being a ms universe NO NO NO. Its more than that but I guess you would not understand even if I explain steps.

@ Laudate


Thank you for those wise words!

I want to make something straight we did not have an affair it was a six-year relationship which had its ups and downs. We were even engaged to get marriage his people went to my people (the first knock). However extreme situations that encountered didn't allow it to go for the second knock. We were serious that is why it is almost impossible not to continue a friendship since we are not a couple anymore. As you said God knows the future. We can plan and carry out as humans but our destiny and fate lies in God hands.

it can work my dear,if you have a true love,forget about everyother girls he has dated