oyinda.:

then you should move to the US. black people here don't get married. they call themselves "baby fathers" and "baby mamas"
to me, that's an irresponsible and destructive life to live. children growing up without families so they themselves do not care to raise families.
i personally think that if black ppl are more responsible and don't place too much value on immediate self gratification and instead they think more of the future, we wouldn't be in d sad state we are now.

i think ppl should learn to find fulfillment in responsibility toward ourselves and toward our society.
what did your friend say is wrong with his wife? are his parents married? does he know that marriage is different from dating? i think if his parents are successfully married, he will use his parents as role models and know how to make a marriage work.

give me a break, that someone chooses to remain single is being irresponsible ? Pls do have a rethink on that abeg, He has got quite a good number of complaints but the constant ones r her nagging habits , her bossy attitude towards him and her laziness. All these sums up y he drinks heavily and keeps late nights . The truth of it all is she took in while they were dating and he wanted to be a "man" about it. That was the reason behind their getting married in the first place .

oyinda.:

then you should move to the US. black people here don't get married. they call themselves "baby fathers" and "baby mamas"
to me, that's an irresponsible and destructive life to live. children growing up without families so they themselves do not care to raise families.
i personally think that if black ppl are more responsible and don't place too much value on immediate self gratification and instead they think more of the future, we wouldn't be in d sad state we are now.

i think ppl should learn to find fulfillment in responsibility toward ourselves and toward our society.
what did your friend say is wrong with his wife? are his parents married? does he know that marriage is different from dating? i think if his parents are successfully married, he will use his parents as role models and know how to make a marriage work.

that one chooses to remain single aint a reason y u should tag him/ or her irresponsible , i think that's a personal thing on the individual that chooses to do so . Secondly, he complains about quite a good number of stuffs but the constant ones r her constant nagging, her bad cooking habits and her excess demands, The truth of it is that she took in while they were still dating and he wanted to 'act a man' and not be a coward according to him, (afterall he was in love) , that was the reason y he married her . . . . As for his parents , they are still together and they keep encouraging him every now and then.

oyinda.:

then you should move to the US. black people here don't get married. they call themselves "baby fathers" and "baby mamas"
to me, that's an irresponsible and destructive life to live. children growing up without families so they themselves do not care to raise families.
i personally think that if black ppl are more responsible and don't place too much value on immediate self gratification and instead they think more of the future, we wouldn't be in d sad state we are now.

i think ppl should learn to find fulfillment in responsibility toward ourselves and toward our society.
what did your friend say is wrong with his wife? are his parents married? does he know that marriage is different from dating? i think if his parents are successfully married, he will use his parents as role models and know how to make a marriage work.

that one chooses to remain single aint a reason y u should tag him/ or her irresponsible , i think that's a personal thing on the individual that chooses to do so . Secondly, he complains about quite a good number of stuffs but the constant ones r her constant nagging, her bad cooking habits and her excess demands, The truth of it is that she took in while they were still dating and he wanted to 'act a man' and not be a coward according to him, (afterall he was in love) , that was the reason y he married her . . . . As for his parents , they are still together and they keep encouraging him every now and then.

Rooneyboy:

that one chooses to remain single aint a reason y u should tag him/ or her irresponsible , i think that's a personal thing on the individual that chooses to do so . Secondly, he complains about quite a good number of stuffs but the constant ones r her constant nagging, her bad cooking habits and her excess demands,  The truth of it is that she took in while they were still dating and he wanted to 'act a man' and not be a coward according to him, (afterall he was in love) , that was the reason y he married her  . . . . As for his parents , they are still together and they keep encouraging him every now and then.

well encourage him tell his wife his feelings. tell them to have a talk about this and see if there are changes. if no changes, then he should get a divorce. 
yes society will talk abt his divorcing. but he was d one who impregnated a girl w/o marriage so kini big deal. u lay your bed, u shall lie on it. i'm sure the girl will have it even worse by society.

your guy is not happy. .maybe, he married d wrong woman. .i suggest,he finds out the root cause of the problem. .alcohol is not the solution. .marriage is like a school. .what counts also in making  a happy marriage is not so much how compatible u are,but how u deal with incompatibility. .in other words,it takes wisdom to make a happy marriage.
marriage is a good thing. .be positive and choose d right partner.

1)Is the institution called marriage worth the stress and troubles therein ?
Woman was created to be the help mate of man (My belief) and the union called marriage is a beautiful one,  The reason why some marriage suffer is because people become selfish and think of I, instead of us. Both of them are one flesh,  another reason is break down in communication, lots of people talk, but they dont communicate

2)Would it be a crime if a Nigerian man chooses to remain single for life ?
Not it wont be a crime,  But can the man just remain single and stay alone? wont he be sleeping around with other women that would someday be wives to those that wants to be married? Why taste if you dont want to buy, catch my drift?

3)Can't a Nigerian man just have his children to himself without the mother(s) of the children coming every now and then bugging for one thing or the other or coming over to say hi to her child(ren)?
Does this even make sense to you? She is the mother of the kids for crying out loud! She has the same right as the man, and in some countries even more rights, the man did it for 30mins, but she carried the seed in her womb for 9months

Having answered you questions, I have to say this, you cant use your friend to judge all marriage as there are so many people that are happily married and are enjoying it every day of thier lives,  Ask your friend to retrace his steps and find out were it all went wrong. It cant all be the wife's fault,  he was once in love with the woman, so where did it all go wrong?  The woman once loved him too, so what happend? It' not about running to friends and drink, but facing the problem head on and deal with it. I truely believe your friend can fix his home if he works hard on it

oyinda.:

to me, that's an irresponsible and destructive life to live. children growing up without families so they themselves do not care to raise families.
i personally think that if black ppl are more responsible and don't place too much value on immediate self gratification and instead they think more of the future, we wouldn't be in d sad state we are now.

i think ppl should learn to find fulfillment in responsibility toward ourselves and toward our society.
what did your friend say is wrong with his wife? are his parents married? does he know that marriage is different from dating? i think if his parents are successfully married, he will use his parents as role models and know how to make a marriage work.

here is a simple fact that you should take into consideration (especially for 9ja): since most women are attracted to money and most men cheat therefore a wise person would remain single in order not to fall into the path of the many gold digging cheating fakes out there.

anyone who believes that two parents will automatically do a better job than one is a DREAMER. its all about your state/quality of mind. better to have one caring, peaceful driven parent than two that hate each other, cheat and beat on each other openly and who prefer to give the duty of raising their children to some dumba$$ uneducated housegirl.

the only responsibility any parent has is towards THEIR CHILDREN. marriage has absolutely NOTHING to do with being responsible especially when most people dont have a clue what the word stands for.

what you wrote is the reason why so many deadbeats get married at the first place, they want people/society to believe that they are responsible etc but then again, they have no respect for that union and proceed to go fukc everything that moves including (for some) that same housegirl that they entrusted with the education of their little ones.

any single father can teach his kids about life as good as a married couple, just because he aint "married" to the women in his life doesnt mean shiit.

Girl846:

MrBrownJay
I usually like your posts and you usually give good answers. But I am disappointed in your attitude towards marriage.

i am sorry if what i wrote disappointed you but i can only be honest with how i feel on any given subject on NL.
this answer may not be "good" to you but it sure is perfect to my beliefs. 

Poster and MrBrownJay
You guys seem like the kind of men that want to have their cake, eat it and keep it in the fridge for later.
That is a very SELFISH.

dont misunderstand HONESTY with SELFISHNESS.just because someone is honest about how they feel about marriage, and are not afraid to say it, doesnt mean they are selfish. they may not have the same ideas that you and others have but at least they are true to themselves and the people around them.

i'd rather that people in my life love and cherish me for who i truly am rather than loving me for some phoney personage i am pretending to be.
the fact that you believe that every human being is marriage material shows how you dont understand the problem.

You want to take take take without giving. You want sex, children even and household help. Without giving anything in return.

what do you mean?! is there something that had to be given before getting any of the above you stated?!
sex is consensual and, as adults, people should know the consequences of that action.
if you believe that anyone who get someone pregnant should marry them then thats your belief and i will respect that but i certainly dont think like you.

You want to have a girl and freedom at the same time? Any self respecting girl will not choose to live like that. I doubt you know what true love is

.

what is wrong with that?! again, this is called HONESTY. i am honest to the people in my life by telling them what time it is rather than marrying someone and creeping on the down low out of frustration.
what does this have to do with self respect?! do you have to live with someone to have self respect in your relationship?! do you have to marry someone to have self respect?

just because the majority of Nigerians wants to get married for whatever reasons(peer pressure/ego/age etc), doesnt mean that this is the right thing to do with ANY DEADBEAT out there.

as for your statement about love, i would simply say that TRUE LOVE has absolutely nothing to do with marriage but ALL to do with being honest about your feelings and who you are.
just because we dont live together and aint married doesnt mean that i am going to fukc every gal on the block when she aint around.
thats the kind of stuff that insecure women believe not what women who are comfortable in their lives/head/relationships think.

^

marriage has existed for milenas in virtually every culture. so obviously there is something powerful about it
and, how many single fathers do you know? even men who are not single fathers aren't as responsible towards their children's upbringing as mothers generally are. the OP's friend for example goes and get drunk every night after work. i bet he doesn't spend quality time with his child. how will that make for a good single father? instead of hiring maid or random women to do the job, the child will be better off with his/her mother.

yea traditionally, women married for financial security. that's nothing new. it's one of society's way to encourage a man to work hard and be successful. i'm sure u've heard of the words "bride price" or "dowry" etc.  men usually don't get married until they've reached a level of financial success and maturity to dive into marriage. and if they are succesful, they have the best pick from the most beautiful or virtuous women.
african americans coined the word "gold digger" IMO to excuse themselves from financial responsibility which they have succeeded in avoiding.  lol but they still want "sexy dime". all they want to do is contribute sperm and make babies about.
African americans are in pits because of it. they will never be successful if they don't build back their society starting from the family unit which is the foundation for every society.

the OP's friend just went into it blindly that's all. like he said, he married her because she got pregnant. obviously he should have been more responsible (ha the word comes up again) and not getting a girl pregnant when he wasn't ready.

yea not everyone should have to marry like you say. but i think a good proportion of ppl when they reach a certain age/ level of maturity should definitely get married. only a few should be allowed to be outliers. these will be the radicals. they shouldn't be d majority.

Your married friend only has fun when he out drinking? That says it all. Marriage isn't for everyone so stay single
so that you don't put someone else through the misery of having to deal with you. Take a cue from your friend
when you lot are all old and grey; You'd still have each other to drink and hang out with. Life would be so much fun that way.

Poster, are you just taking your friends word for his wife trouble or have you seen it for yourself. If he is a cheater then he is also a liar, cant have one without the other. She may be an angel and he just wants what he cant have.

As for choosing to be single, thats all fine and good, then you should choose to be childless. The worst thing for a child is to not have a mother in their life so you want your children to suffer cos you want everything your way. Being a parent is about sacrifice. You want your kids to see you with a stange women on your bed?, not a good example for a boy or a girl unless you want them to grow up the same and have meaningless sex with random strangers. Very dangerous behaviour to teach them. You should never get married with those thoughts. Its not for you.

@oyinda
up to a few decades ago, marriage was just about MEN. women had absolutely no rights/say and were second class in regards to that union (still happens today). you only have to open your bible to understand it more clearly. so yeah, it may be something powerful but only when MEN were the head and women were "servants" under them.
women were servants, never equal and therefore if i need a servant i will hire one rather than marry one.

i am sorry but my financial situation never come in question when i seek for a mate. . . . . . . . and i wouldnt want ANYONE to value me in regards to it.

so, if i understand you right these women who "seek" financial security aint golddiggers but simply women looking for the best mates out there? care to tell me what happens when/if that said mate looses his fortune AFTER marriage?! does the wife disappear too since the "financial security" was the main reason to get together?!

dont you think that this is one of the reasons why men will keep disrespecting women?! if i knew that my money was what drew that gal to me then she aint a spouse, she is a "child baring-cooking-cleaning" employee that will accept anything her "boss" decides (including cheating)

the OP friends needs something to take the pressure off from his nightmarish marriage. would you rather he goes home,blew a gasket and get into a confrontation with wifey?!
just because he goes to the pub to cool off DOES NOT make him a bad father!

as for when people should get married, you are right about the fact that they should have the right level of maturity, the right age but also:
- find the right mate that has the same desires.
- respect and honor that person as an equal.
- marry for the right reasons.
- be at the right time in BOTH their lives.
- they should understand the requirements of married people.
- be in the right place.
and the list goes on. . . . . . . its endless.
just age and maturity aint cutting it!

i am sorry but my financial situation never come in question when i seek for a mate. . . . . . . . and i wouldnt want ANYONE to value me in regards to it.
care to tell me what happens when/if that said mate looses his fortune AFTER marriage?! does the wife disappear too since the "financial security" was the main reason to get together?!

would you value a woman regardless of her beauty and physique? won't women lose their good looks after a couple of yrs? but men still see it as an important quality in choosing a mate.
men and women look for different things in their future partners as u can see. but compatibility and love is what sustains it usually.

marriage was definitely not just about men. it was just as much about the wife and kids.
infact, women take much more fleck for being unmarried.
regardless of this, i'm not criticizing the marriage institution too much because i realize it's importance.

marriage as an institution is not perfect as you have outlined some of the drawbacks, but it is better than a society without it.
for you for example, u probably are one of the few who will enjoy being single for life better. nothing wrong with that.

Tink_sh:

As for choosing to be single, thats all fine and good, then you should choose to be childless. The worst thing for a child is to not have a mother in their life so you want your children to suffer cos you want everything your way. Being a parent is about sacrifice. You want your kids to see you with a stange women on your bed?, not a good example for a boy or a girl unless you want them to grow up the same and have meaningless sex with random strangers. Very dangerous behaviour to teach them. You should never get married with those thoughts. Its not for you.

unfortunately many women are not fit/ready to be caring responsible mothers (reminds me of the thread about a gal who threw her infant into the river). just as not all "sperm donor" are fit to be responsible fathers.
the catch IS: if the parents dont get along after the child is born then they better raise that child on their own instead of staying together and disrespecting one another in crazy manners, just because they want to have a happy "family picture".

better explain to your child EXACTLY what happened between you and his mother (if he is older) rather than trying to pretend to have something that is false (a happy relationship with his mother) which a child will see anyway.

again, dont misunderstand being single with being loose. just because daddy aint married to his lady friend doesnt mean he is a hoe. sit your child down and give him the values that YOU believe are right. marriage is ok, so as single parenting (if your spouse cant live up to their duties/responsibilities).  

just because children believe that single parenting aint wrong doesnt mean that they will go around the world wanting to be a single parent BUT simply that if needs be, they know that it can be done.

MRbrownJAY:

unfortunately many women are not fit/ready to be caring responsible mothers (reminds me of the thread about a gal who threw her infant into the river). just as not all "spermatozoa donor" are fit to be responsible fathers.
the catch IS: if the parents dont get along after the child is born then they better raise that child on their own instead of staying together and disrespecting one another in crazy manners, just because they want to have a happy "family picture".

better explain to your child EXACTLY what happened between you and his mother (if he is older) rather than trying to pretend to have something that is false (a happy relationship with his mother) which a child will see anyway.

again, dont misunderstand being single with being loose. just because daddy aint married to his lady friend doesnt mean he is a hoe. sit your child down and give him the values that YOU believe are right. marriage is ok, so as single parenting (if your spouse cant live up to their duties/responsibilities).

just because children believe that single parenting aint wrong doesnt mean that they will go around the world wanting to be a single parent BUT simply that if needs be, they know that it can be done.

You have totally missed my point. I know your point you have made it over and over. The poster said, without the mother even visiting her children. That he would prefer that. Thats what i was referring to. If you want children you have to accept the other parent needs to be involved. My brother and i grew up without our mother so i have experience in how devastating it has been for my brother and still is and how much work it took for me to deal with it. I am also a single parent, divorced and even though i would love nothing more than to never speak to my ex again he is the father of my child, so i have to suck it up and deal with it as it is best for my child to have his father in his life no matter what. That is what i was refferring to not anything you mentioned!

Also, i never chose to be a single parent, its just the way it happened so why would i make my child suffer cos his parents where too stupid to work it out. If you choose to have a child then you choose that the other parent with be in your life. To take that away from your child cos you want to sleep around and not marry is the highest form of selfishness!!

oyinda.:

would you value a woman regardless of her beauty and physique?   won't women lose their good looks after a couple of yrs? but men still see it as an important quality in choosing a mate.
men and women look for different things in their future partners as u can see. but compatibility and love is what sustains it usually.

i would never rely on solely beauty and physique to value someone(unless ONS) as any man knows that good looks and physique can disappear with a few babies or simply time. on the other hand, i would understand the wealthy cheating Nigerian man who doesnt care/respect his trophy wife attracted to his money. . . . . . . . . simply because he knows he can exchange her for a finer/younger one when she looses her appeal.
can you see the vicious cycle here.  

marriage was definitely not just about men. it was just as much about the wife and kids.  
infact, women take much more fleck for being unmarried.
regardless of this, i'm not criticizing the marriage institution too much because i realize it's importance.

i understand the importance of marriage too, some men cant function properly without a mate, but saying that marriage is the only way to raise children properly or else isnt right either.  
marriage aint for everybody although everybody wants to get married. lol what a dilemma!

for you for example, u probably are one of the few who will enjoy being single for life better.   nothing wrong with that.

you can bet on that!!!!! and believe it or not, apart from that piece of paper, the relationship i have are as good, if not better, as the married one (although this is another debate all together)

@think_sh
sorry, my bad, i must have misread what you wrote.

mrbrownjay,

d fact that these single men need maids or other women to help them take care of the kids says much. why can't the kid just live with the mother instead.
kids from broken homes live with their mothers for this reason.

and again, telling us not to misunderstand being single as being loose? well, yea the OP's friend is loose.  the OP is referring to being able to sleep around with girls and go drinking after work. that's definitely LOOSE. lol and a child shouldn't be around that.
if you are a youth, it's excusable, but once you pass a certain age and have borne kids, somethings are just expected of you. lol

OP's quote:

I think mybrownjay and i r both sailing on the same boat here, i mean bleeping who ever i wish to without the fear of someone that calls herself a wife and the condemnation of the society.

if you want to be responsible for your child, you have to be responsible for yourself and your spouse because your kids are watching your relationships with the opposite gender and will generally repeat the same when they become adults.

MRbrownJAY:

i would never rely on solely beauty and physique to value someone(unless ONS) as any man knows that good looks and physique can disappear with a few babies or simply time. on the other hand, i would understand the wealthy cheating Nigerian man who doesnt care/respect his trophy wife attracted to his money. . . . . . . . . simply because he knows he can exchange her for a finer/younger one when she looses her appeal.
can you see the vicious cycle here.  

what's ONS? lol
but you will consider looks when picking a mate. but u don't want her to consider ur pocket?

lol. wealthy cheating nigerian men don't exchange their wives for young girls although they may cheat in secret or in open. and besides most men (gasp) love their wives. ie have developed a level of relationship with their wives that transcend the physical. which is what marriage is mostly about in d first place.

marriages are not the same for all people involved. each marriage is unique to the couple involved.
maybe i just happen to have a rosier picture of marriage because of my backgroud and what i wish for myself. ur opinion might differ. good for you.

MRbrownJAY:

@think_sh
sorry, my bad, i must have misread what you wrote.

Thank you,

Oyinda is a very smart and wise woman! Great words!!!

oyinda.:

mrbrownjay,
d fact that these single men need maids or other women to help them take care of the kids says much. why can't the kid just live with the mother instead.
kids from broken homes live with their mothers for this reason.

as i previously said, a single man might need a maid to clean and cook for him NOT to raise his child. thats the parents duty and no one else (apart from school)

and again, telling us not to misunderstand being single as being loose? well, yea the OP's friend is loose.  the OP is referring to being able to sleep around with girls and go drinking after work. that's definitely LOOSE. lol and a child shouldn't be around that.if you are a youth, it's excusable, but once you pass a certain age and have borne kids, somethings are just expected of you. lo

thats not loose thats CONFUSED. he clearly stated that marriage was a "mistake". he wants to live a single mans life while being married simply because peer pressure would demand that he stays married regardless. obviously we can conclude that this man got married not knowing the requirement of marriage and what it REALLY meant to say "i do".
the poster is the one who wants to fukc different women (we dont know if he is married or not)

if you want to be responsible for your child, you have to be responsible for yourself and your spouse because your kids are watching your relationships with the opposite gender and will generally repeat the same when they become adults.

as long as a man fulfill his parental duties, then he can do whatever he please after that (as long as it aint anything criminal), just because daddy aint married to his lady friend means nada!

better this child learns that you can fukc who you please when you damn well please when you are not married and honest RATHER than learning that cheating on your wife is what fathers do and is ok.
which would you prefer for your child to learn since we all know that men will ultimately go after other women?!

[b]simple facts about men:
1. All men are extremely busy.
2. Although they are so busy, they still have time to chase women.
3. Although they have time to chase women, they dont really care for them.
4. Although they dont really care for them, they always need one around them.
5. Although they always need one around them, they always try their luck with other women.
6. Although they try their luck with other women, they get really pissed off if the first woman leaves them.
7. Although the first woman leaves them they still don't learn from their mistakes and will always try their luck with others.

silly facts about women:
1. The most important thing for a woman is financial security.
2. Although this is so important to women, they still go out and buy expensive clothes, jewellery and stuff.
3. Although they always buy expensive clothes/jewellery etc, they never have anything to wear.
4. Although they never have anything to wear, they always dress beautifully.
5. Although they always dress beautifully, their clothes are always just "an old rag".
6. Although their clothes are always "just an old rag", they still expect you to compliment them.
7. Although they expect you to compliment them, when you do, they don't believe you.[/b]

mrbrownjay, how old are you?
ur facts and sillies apply only to men and women in their 20s. or ghetto African Americans throughout their lives. lol


anyways, i think we should put this argument to rest.
i think my rosier opinion on marriage comes from my background and the marriages i knew while growing up and till date. they were positive.
most negative/ drama filled marriages i know about are from hear say or tv. lol or maybe the couples i know do a good job hiding their predicament.
anyways, i want a good marriage for myself.
i don't know about you but good for you anyways with whatever choice u make. peace

You are guaranteed a good marriage with me

stalker your back huh? lol
better not let follypimpi catch u. i got a new husband now

follywhat? He chop winch? How would he come from UK come marry babe for here? Make he stick to his yardie

Well just to clear u ladies , prior to now this guy wasnt into drinking, womanizing,keeping late nights and all that stuff , he was a complete introvert, his wife pushed him into these things. The guy is just miserable and yet chooses to remain into it so that people dont call him a failure. This is y i m asking if the tag "married man" is necessary , i wouldnt want a situation whereby i'd walk out of my marriage in frustration, so i would rather choose to be a single parent and a responsible one at that, Lets forget the bleeping part and all that , a principled and responsible person will remain so . I m single doesnt automatically make one irresponsible and if i must bleep i would respect my child(ren) by not bringing the lady home.

your friend got a girl pregnant , then he should be able to bear what society will say about it.
tell him to get a divorce and bear what people will say. it won't be d end of the world. the girl will have to bear even worse.
getting married was cowardly of him. he didn't marry the woman. he married people's opinion of him and he's reaping what he sow.

marriage is definitely necessary for society. if you choose not to marry, that's ok too. just be ready to brave it when ppl talk about you. at least you were d one who chose not to use a condom when u had sex and impregnated d girl. so you knew ppl will talk when u did it.
that's life. it's necessary for keeping society stable.

many couples are happy in their marriages. and the ones who have problems still won't trade their position for a single mom or father. or even if they wish for a divorce, many hope to be remarried to the right one.

oyinda.:

mrbrownjay, how old are you?
your facts and sillies apply only to men and women in their 20s. or ghetto African Americans throughout their lives. lol


anyways, i think we should put this argument to rest.
i think my rosier opinion on marriage comes from my background and the marriages i knew while growing up and till date. they were positive.
most negative/ drama filled marriages i know about are from hear say or tv. lol or maybe the couples i know do a good job hiding their predicament.
anyways, i want a good marriage for myself.
i don't know about you but good for you anyways with whatever choice u make. peace 

Ur a typical African lady(i must get married)whether the devil likes it or not.

hahahahhaha

i don't think i'm a typical African lady. but i take that as a compliment. marriage is a good thing. I mean who will you wear "anco" or aso ebi with when u go to parties? lol jk

lol , so aso ebi wearing is the reason behind ur wanting to get married ?lol. Wonders.