i was talking to my guy friend today about the topic of commitment and he was trying to understand why i have a carefree attitude to relationships. From our convo it became clear that according to the rules of dating when a girl is not willing to fully commit to her boyfriend, most people like to jump to the conclusion that she is just not in love with the guy, she's playing the field or seeing someone else but i was trying to explain to him that sometimes none of those reasons are true and there's the "other reason".
For me its a matter of i am just not ready to go there. I have done the commitment thing in the past stuck to my side of the bargain but still ended up being burnt as we all know being betrayed is not a pleasant experience and even though i don't dwell on past hurt (as in i consider myself baggage free- no ex boyfriend drama or anything) i am still not prepared to take the risk with another charmer and frankly i enjoy my freedom + for now i have career, money and family on my mind so i have no time to be completely devoted to a guy.
So how best can a girl communicate this position to her boyfriend without him second guessing her love for him or thinking that she can't be trusted?

Hmmm, interesting question. I'm curious to see how people answer.

Inked_Nerd:

Hmmm, interesting question. I'm curious to see how people answer.

me too

Err. . . . .i think mine is a selfish reason but i can go into rebound relationship with a guy and not look forward to any kind of commitment.

yea i might really like him and all that but no commitment in mind.

from my actions he will know wat i want

MAKE I TALK MY OWN

PERSONALLY I BELIEVE IN GIVING YOUR BEST SHOT AT ANYTHING. IN THIS WORLD, WHAT IS THE LEAST WE CAN DO? THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS BEING TRUE TO OURSELVES.

BACK TO THE ISSUE AT HAND, EVEN AFTER WE HAVE GIVEN OUR ALL AND WE ENDED UP BURNT, WHAT DO WE DO THE NEXT TIME? WE SIMPLY APPLY OUR LEARNING FROM THE LAST RELATIONSHIP AND ALSO BE TRUE TO OURSELF. IF ANYONE GAVE HIS/ HER ALL AND THE OTHER PARTY CHOSE TO FORK UP, YOU CAN BEAT UR CHEST WITH PRIDE AND SAY THAT U DID YOUR BEST, WERE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND THE OTHER PARTY, AND HENCE NO BLAME CAN BE PINNED ON YOU.

HOW CAN WE TELL IF A RELATIONSHIP WOULD WORK OUT? THE ANSWER IS THAT WE CANT. ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT WORKS OUT WAS BECAUSE OF A CONCERTED EFFORT PLAYED OUT BY BOTH PARTIES. THEY BOTH PUT IN A LOT OF TIME AND SACRIFICE TO ENSURE THAT IT WORKS AND IT FINALLY WORKS.

NOT BECAUSE PAST RELATIONSHIPS DIDNT WORK, THEN WE FOLD OUR HAND AND HOLD BACK WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO SHARE (PLAY ON THE SAFE SIDE). ALSO REMEMBER THAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT A ONE MAN THING BUT A TWO MAN THING. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO COMPLEMENT THE WEAKNESSES OF OUR PARTNERS. SO IF THE WEAKNESS OF A GUY IS PURSUING OTHER LADIES, THE OTHER PARTY SHOULD TRY TO CURB SUCH EXCESSES BY SITTING AND DISCUSSING THE PROBLEM, AND ALSO MAKING HERSELF APPEALING TO HER MAN. IF A GIRLS PROBLEM IS BEING TOO MATERIALISTIC, SUCH SHOULD ALSO BE DISCUSSED AND I FEEL THE GUY SHOULD TRY TO PROVIDE ENOUGH FOR HIS WOMAN. THOUGH SOME LADIES' APPETITE FOR MATERIAL THING IS INSATIABLE.

JUST REMEMBER THAT HOW MUCH BEAUTY A FLOWER GIVES OUT DEPENDS ON THE AMOUNT OF CARE GIVEN TO IT. THIS SHOULD BE THE SAME IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP.

GBAM!!!

i use to do rebounds too infact i enjoyed them but not anymore homegirl is maturing + you end up liking the rebounds and they are guys that you necessarily wouldn't or shouldn't pursue a relationship with in terms of something more long term

.

Pornodude:

MAKE I TALK MY OWN

PERSONALLY I BELIEVE IN GIVING YOUR BEST SHOT AT ANYTHING. IN THIS WORLD, WHAT IS THE LEAST WE CAN DO? THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS BEING TRUE TO OURSELVES.

BACK TO THE ISSUE AT HAND, EVEN AFTER WE HAVE GIVEN OUR ALL AND WE ENDED UP BURNT, WHAT DO WE DO THE NEXT TIME? WE SIMPLY APPLY OUR LEARNING FROM THE LAST RELATIONSHIP AND ALSO BE TRUE TO OURSELF. IF ANYONE GAVE HIS/ HER ALL AND THE OTHER PARTY CHOSE TO FORK UP, YOU CAN BEAT your CHEST WITH PRIDE AND SAY THAT U DID YOUR BEST, WERE TRUE TO YOURSELF AND THE OTHER PARTY, AND HENCE NO BLAME CAN BE PINNED ON YOU.

HOW CAN WE TELL IF A RELATIONSHIP WOULD WORK OUT? THE ANSWER IS THAT WE CANT. ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT WORKS OUT WAS BECAUSE OF A CONCERTED EFFORT PLAYED OUT BY BOTH PARTIES. THEY BOTH PUT IN A LOT OF TIME AND SACRIFICE TO ENSURE THAT IT WORKS AND IT FINALLY WORKS.

NOT BECAUSE PAST RELATIONSHIPS DIDNT WORK, THEN WE FOLD OUR HAND AND HOLD BACK WHAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO SHARE (PLAY ON THE SAFE SIDE). ALSO REMEMBER THAT RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT A ONE MAN THING BUT A TWO MAN THING. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO COMPLEMENT THE WEAKNESSES OF OUR PARTNERS. SO IF THE WEAKNESS OF A GUY IS PURSUING OTHER LADIES, THE OTHER PARTY SHOULD TRY TO CURB SUCH EXCESSES BY SITTING AND DISCUSSING THE PROBLEM, AND ALSO MAKING HERSELF APPEALING TO HER MAN. IF A GIRLS PROBLEM IS BEING TOO MATERIALISTIC, SUCH SHOULD ALSO BE DISCUSSED AND I FEEL THE GUY SHOULD TRY TO PROVIDE ENOUGH FOR HIS WOMAN. THOUGH SOME LADIES' APPETITE FOR MATERIAL THING IS INSATIABLE.

JUST REMEMBER THAT HOW MUCH BEAUTY A FLOWER GIVES OUT DEPENDS ON THE AMOUNT OF CARE GIVEN TO IT. THIS SHOULD BE THE SAME IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP.

GBAM!!!

wow i really like your point if only the other party is also willing to put in the effort. Mind u its nt that i intend never to commit its jst that at a slower pace and when i feel i cn give the other party a fair chance

sugar pp:

wow i really like your point if only the other party is also willing to put in the effort

NOW THATS WHERE THE PROBLEM LIES. THE QUESTION IS THAT: WOULD OTHER PARTY BE WILLING TO PUT EFFORT? ONLY GOD CAN ANSWER THAT BUT THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS PLAY OUR PART AND HOPE FOR THE BEST.

;d

If you do want to commit but have been 'burnt' in the past, be weary but don't overdoe it, life will never be perfect, relationships will never be perfect, risks are meant to be taken

Relationship and commitment moves hand in hand.There can neva b r/ship with commitment.So if u think u're not ready 4 for commitment,then u stay off.

@poster
ok lets get your story straight:
A) you want to date but not commit. . . . . . . . . . . just yet.
B) you expect your man to go along with your "date without commitments" UNTIL you decide that its ok to take it to the next step.
C) you expect that man to put his feelings on hold, not cheat or look for "someone ready" in the mean time BUT yet dont want to call that commitment.

unless the guy that will go along your scheme still acts and lives like a single person, entering in whatever relationship with you would involve committing to you. you might as well look for a FWB until the day you finally deal with your issues/phobia about men cheating on you etc.

IMHO the worst a woman can do in a relationship is make her present bf pay for the inabilities and mistakes of her ex and deny her present bf the right to "have it all". if you've been burnt then work on your self esteem and psyche, on your own time, which will ultimately make you a better/wiser person AND THEN get yourself on the dating market again. trying to date with a fukced up mindset about men (because Jide played you) would only have you fail.

you are trying to have it all but it just aint possible, you got to give something back!

i would like to know what would be your reply to the following question from your bf:" what type of relationship are you exactly looking for?"

sugar pp:

i was talking to my guy friend today about the topic of commitment and he was trying to understand why i have a carefree attitude to relationships. From our convo it became clear that according to the rules of dating when a girl is not willing to fully commit to her boyfriend, most people like to jump to the conclusion that she is just not in love with the guy, she's playing the field or seeing someone else but i was trying to explain to him that sometimes none of those reasons are true and there's the "other reason".
For me its a matter of i am just not ready to go there. I have done the commitment thing in the past stuck to my side of the bargain but still ended up being burnt as we all know being betrayed is not a pleasant experience and even though i don't dwell on past hurt (as in i consider myself baggage free- no ex boyfriend drama or anything) i am still not prepared to take the risk with another charmer and frankly i enjoy my freedom + for now i have career, money and family on my mind so i have no time to be completely devoted to a guy.
So how best can a girl communicate this position to her boyfriend without him second guessing her love for him or thinking that she can't be trusted?

What is "not willing to fully commit" mean ?

@ mrbrownjay and talina
not willing to fully commit means that i wouldn't readily want to make life altering decisions for the sake of the relationship. For example if my boyfriend is forced to travel overseas for work and asks me to relocate with him even if there is nothing stopping me relocating i might decide not to. I might also not be eager to move in with him as boyfriend girlfriend or share some expenses and financial responsibilities that might be required in a fully committed relationship. Thats what i mean, i don't mean playing around or seeing other guys.

@ mrbrownjay to answer your question about what type of relationship i want: i want one that both parties can maintain their independence and individual lives but still know how to come together as a couple without the stress, distrust and drama that some relationships endure

sugar pp:

@ mrbrownjay and talina
not willing to fully commit means that i wouldn't readily want to make life altering decisions for the sake of the relationship. For example if my boyfriend is forced to travel overseas for work and asks me to relocate with him even if there is nothing stopping me relocating i might decide not to. I might also not be eager to move in with him as boyfriend girlfriend or share some expenses and financial responsibilities that might be required in a fully committed relationship. Thats what i mean, i don't mean playing around or seeing other guys.

@ mrbrownjay to answer your question about what type of relationship i want: i want one that both parties can maintain their independence and individual lives but still know how to come together as a couple without the stress, distrust and drama that some relationships endure

what you just wrote means that you want to be independent but yet want all the perks of committed relationships without committing. lol, makes no sense.
you are so afraid to get hurt/played again that you want to put as little from yourself "in a position where you could be hurt" but still want your "bf" to value the meaningless relationship you guys have. . . . . . . cant you see how confusing what you want is?!

you live your life , he lives his and when you guys meet you want him to pretend like its the greatest, most rewarding relationship of all?!

oh shoot, remind me again of what is it exactly that will make that relationship special?! or any better than having a booty call with the extra dinner before that? this is exactly what you described, a booty call with some pretence of relationship in order not to bruise your ego.
at best, i will consider what you guys have "SEEING EACH OTHER", not having a relationship.

here are few questions that your man may ask after your "vague" reply:
- if his parents introduce him to some village gal, should he go for it?
- if people ask if he is in a relationship, should he say yes or no?
- how can you guys build trust in a relationship where you do not expect that person to be involve in your life apart from during the seemingly little time you will spend together?!
btw: show me any relationship without drama, stress and i will show you a liar. . . . . . . .also, people have to act like they can be fully trusted before talking about distrust.

i think your problem is simple, you have to accept that there is no half way with commitments, you either commit or you dont but talking about "not fully/completely committing" isnt possible.

@ 190 to mr.brownjay!!

stop writing in dictionaries!!

^^^^would you rather i speak gibberish like you?! or better yet, speak differently so i can make YOU feel better?!
thats the English they taught me in school if you learned a different one then i am sorry to hear that.
i may be lazy in putting the capital letters and apostrophes but thats as good as English gets, you should learn from it!

190 and mr.brownjay!



be warned else i wont hesitate to deal flawlessly wit u,



@Topic:
Mr.brownjay is rite, !

--190--:

190 and mr.brownjay!



be warned else i wont hesitate to deal flawlessly wit u,

oya bring it on!

These responses are very interesting.

even mr.brown sef wan fight!