mädchen:

Not really strange to read this-. It's a common cycle. The abused becomes the abuser when the opportunity arises.

depends on what you call "abuse". When it comes to discipline, i'm glad my parents enforced it with all their strength . . . i'll be honest and say it worked! Was their some abuse along the way . . . sure but its since been dealt with and everyone has moved on now and buried the past.

I will not tolerate kids who think its OK to be rude to their parents, think its OK to throw tantrums, behave like they have no home-training all in the name of avoiding to "abuse" them. The bible says to "spare the rod and spoil the child" . . . the rod is also for the back of a fool . . . if you flog him, he will not die. Chikena.

davidylan:

depends on what you call "abuse". When it comes to discipline, i'm glad my parents enforced it with all their strength . . . i'll be honest and say it worked! Was their some abuse along the way . . . sure but its since been dealt with and everyone has moved on now and buried the past.

I will not tolerate kids who think its OK to be rude to their parents, think its OK to throw tantrums, behave like they have no home-training all in the name of avoiding to "abuse" them. The bible says to "spare the rod and spoil the child" . . . the rod is also for the back of a fool . . . if you flog him, he will not die. Chikena.

   

Scary!  

ElRazur:

You really cannot force a horse to drink. I tried doing that last time, but once again she played the "kids and husband" cards. What more can I do?

Wow!    

Okay then, there's not much you can do if she's not willing to accept her mistake. I guess you are right to let it be but try as much as you can to relate well with her kids and not pass the frustration on to them. One day, I'm sure she'll have a reason to see her mistake. It's a funny world we live in you know.  

The problem we now have is many people are not raising their children the right way because they had a tough childhood. Even though some had extreme childhoods they now cannot give their own children a balanced upbringing. Children are out of control nowadays

Wallie:

You think driving 8 hours in a day is a lot? You need to come and see yankee driving! I personally have driven 15 hours in a day. I normally drive about 8 hrs+ per day a few times per year when traveling to Canada.

You can't compare US highways to UK's motorways.
You see with ours, you first have to deal with 3 lanes then daily disruption cos of one repair or the other.
I have driven from phoenix to Vegas before and i enjoyed it (That's farther in terms of miles)

this is so common in most yoruba families where our parents try to poison our mind abt the ibos

cant relate with that.

i had a couple of "wacko" relatives who always went on about my oyo cousins talkless non-yorubas.

so anyone who had issues with ibos, must not have had them openly because i'm not aware of anything like that.

anyway! maybe i'm a minority or just didnt notice things.

Just when I thought it was over I instinctively turned to see if she was coming behind me, and what I saw was a bottle!! YES!! A bottle flying directly at me!! My own mum had opened the fridge and was hauling bottles (Glass Bottles) at me!! I barely ducked just in time to avoid being hit!! She smashed several bottles that day!!

wow.

you have a lot in common with george bush and should marry a certain type of woman.

LadyT:

The problem we now have is many people are not raising their children the right way because they had a tough childhood. Even though some had extreme childhoods they now cannot give their own children a balanced upbringing. Children are out of control nowadays

I think the ratio of those who have a "normal" upbringing out stands those who didn't.

I think kids have always been "out of control nowadays" from the time of your great grandfather, my grandfather, you father and now my generation. I have no problem with discipline, but I have a problem with abuse. Besides, one should be able to relate to one kids in such a way there is a balanced approach. My two cents.

davidylan:

depends on what you call "abuse". When it comes to discipline, i'm glad my parents enforced it with all their strength . . . i'll be honest and say it worked! Was their some abuse along the way . . . sure but its since been dealt with and everyone has moved on now and buried the past.

I will not tolerate kids who think its OK to be rude to their parents, think its OK to throw tantrums, behave like they have no home-training all in the name of avoiding to "abuse" them. The bible says to "spare the rod and spoil the child" . . . the rod is also for the back of a fool . . . if you flog him, he will not die. Chikena.

As much as I agree with you most times, you do worry me with you bible-views at times.

The thing with the bible is that is says to beat (well not use the word beat, but it is clear what the message is about) but at what point does beating becomes abuse? My dad was a Senior Apostle, knows the bible like the back of his hand but sometimes when I reflect on some his beating session on me, I tend to think it is nothing but abuse at best. Is it okay to beat and leave massive mark, scare or deformities, just because the bible support physical discipline? Where does it stop?

As for kids throwing tantrum, come on now woli. Kids will always be kids. Surely at your time you threw a few episode of it. I think this is why I get worried, your view is somehow not taking into consideration that kids will be kids simply because of your unshaken belief in the words of the bible.

^^Good points. Actually The bible says TRAIN up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it. Just beating, without taking time out to instruct, educate, and explain things to a child IS child abuse.

davidylan:


I will not tolerate kids who think its OK to be rude to their parents, think its OK to throw tantrums, behave like they have no home-training all in the name of avoiding to "abuse" them. The bible says to "spare the rod and spoil the child" . . . the rod is also for the back of a fool . . . if you flog him, he will not die. Chikena.

Now the amount of anger and aggression you've expressd here is, in of itself, very worrying. You definitely do need counselling

What are you experiences?

@Elrazur
Man Mi, i bet you didnt expect an avalanche of experiences when you started this did you?, its like opening up dead or healed wounds, hummmmmmmmm!

Still no reply? I have a feeling, I am not alone in this. .

But you are not alone
For I am here with you
Though we're far apart
You're always in my heart
But you are not alone

could resist singing this MJ song,

ElRazur:

As much as I agree with you most times, you do worry me with you bible-views at times.

The thing with the bible is that is says to beat (well not use the word beat, but it is clear what the message is about) but at what point does beating becomes abuse? My dad was a Senior Apostle, knows the bible like the back of his hand but sometimes when I reflect on some his beating session on me, I tend to think it is nothing but abuse at best. Is it okay to beat and leave massive mark, scare or deformities, just because the bible support physical discipline? Where does it stop?

As for kids throwing tantrum, come on now woli. Kids will always be kids. Surely at your time you threw a few episode of it. I think this is why I get worried, your view is somehow not taking into consideration that kids will be kids simply because of your unshaken belief in the words of the bible.

I dont agree how many 3 year olds back in your day would dare smack their parent back?  Those who suffered abuse always go to the extreme and often refuse to disciple their kids Im not just talking about smacking alone.  Im talking about disciple talking to a child about why you had to smack them giving children warnings to behave before resulting to beating. Children need structure

I really don't wanna talk about religion, but I think this is a bit vague:

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6)

Which is the way to go? In the eyes of my father his ways was the way to go, in the eyes of my sister (who so happen to be a Deaconess) her ways were the way to go.

Orilee9ice:


@Elrazur
Man Mi, i bet you didnt expect an avalanche of experiences when you started this did you?, its like opening up dead or healed wounds, hummmmmmmmm!

I honestly did. You are right lol. The thread died a few times and I had to bumped it up - You can tell from the first solo post I made lol. I do appreciate everyone putting their own account in, it put a lot of things into perspective. I would have think I had it bad, but there are others who have similar and stronger experiences. What ever the case, it is good people are talking about it in a mature way.

it is good people are talking about it in a mature way.

@ Elrzur, hummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm! if you say so, lol

LadyT:


I dont agree how many 3 year olds back in your day would dare smack their parent back?  Those who suffered abuse always go to the extreme and often refuse to disciple their kids Im not just talking about smacking alone.  Im talking about disciple talking to a child about why you had to smack them giving children warnings to behave before resulting to beating.  Children need structure 

I do get your point. However, I would like to think my experiences counts as abuse or at least borderline-abuses. However, I disagree that it will have an impact on how I in-turn deal with my own off-springs (in the manner you are suggesting off course).  Again, I get your point, but I can only speak for myself. I am not an authority to defend how others raise theirs or what impact they have on their kids.

While children need structure no doubt, a few parents can do with parenting classes too. I think a lot of parent can do with having parental classes in naija in my opinion. So all in all both sides of the argument do need structure.

ElRazur:

I really don't wanna talk about religion, but I think this is a bit vague:

“Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6)

Which is the way to go? In the eyes of my father his ways was the way to go, in the eyes of my sister (who so happen to be a Deaconess) her ways were the way to go.

You are right, people hide behind religion a lot in these parts!

My parents would read the verse with 'Children, obey your parents in the lord . . . . ', but somehow, they forgot to mention where parents were asked to LOVE their children and not frustrate them or sth of that nature!

Some of these parents had no feeling whatsoever for thier kids. I remember one time my uncle almost shot his own daughter cos she refused to marry the man he wanted. It took some brave neighbours to wrestle the gun away from him before he could make the shot! Didn't the bible say not to kill    

Elrzur, can i just ask you, where was Morocco comprehensive (IF I REMEMEBR CORRECTLY FROM YOUR POST) in Jibowu, the sec school u went to?, i am not sure i knew the school back then, considering i went to Igbobi College which was literarily down the road?, was it that school near or oppsite yaba tech?.4get its name now sef,

Ujujoan:

My elder sister had it the roughest of all of us. She wasn't even the first, she was the 3rd. But for some reason, she was just plain stubborn. The more you beat her, the worse she got.

@ 10, she ran away from home.

@ 15, she got pregnant for a married man, had an abortion on her own and almost died from the bleeding.

@ 20, she was in the university, collecting money for school fees and never going for lectures. After 4 years, she graduated, without a degree!

@ 25, she ran away with her BF and we didn't from her for 2 years. She came back, broke, single and jobeless. She had to start life all over!

@ 30, she's single, no meaningful job, has practically no sense of responsibilty and the whole family still take turns to pay for her house rent!

But looking back now, I could just see that she wasn't raised right. What she needed was love and not beatings. She was the sweetest, brightest and most generous of us all. She couldnt cope with the level of discipline and she went haywire. If I can see that now, why couldn't they see it back then    

Now, I just pray she finds her way, cos she's just a poor lost soul!    

I dont mean to attack but this example can never be used as a reason as to why smacking/beating doesnt work.  what your sister lacked was disciple and parental supervision running away was not an option for me I knew my mum would kill me once I returned

To get pregnant at age 15 to me means she had quite a free life because obviously no one knew her whereabouts at all times to me thats crazy she was even able to get an abortion and no one knew until she nearly died.  Dont get me wrong we children we try anything given half the chance but your sister sounds spoilt to me.  The fact no one has told her to get a bloody grip why are you paying her rent? what exactly is wrong with her?

Orilee9ice:

Elrzur, can i just ask you, where was Morocco comprehensive (IF I REMEMEBR CORRECTLY FROM YOUR POST) in Jibowu, the sec school u went to?, i am not sure i knew the school back then, considering i went to Igbobi College which was literarily down the road?,  was it that school near or oppsite yaba tech?.4get its name now sef,

It was in the same compound as the following schools - Igbobi girls (The entrance was next to this one), Angus high school (I think it is now part of Morocco, but back then it was separate) and Igbobi boys.  

The main entrance is opposite the barracks in Jibowu.

i have neva called my father Dad- tis either Papa or Sir, neva got a hug, twas always a miracle if he remembered my bday. Once i've been dumped in d boarding house -dey 4got all abt me- visiting day didnt exist in dier dictionary.

lol most naija dads don't know their kids bday's

It was in the same compound as the following schools - Igbobi girls (The entrance was next to this one), Angus high school (I think it is now part of Morocco, but back then it was separate) and Igbobi boys.

The main entrance is opposite the barracks in Jibowu.

OH SORRY, SILLY ME, I 4GOT.(JAKANDE SCHOOL 2!). yes you are right, sorry we used to think they had come to spoil our school back then, no offence, shey u know now!

Is that what your parents/guardians/elders did? Then, you must have come from a very bad tribe where hatred, weakedness and juju is the order of the day. Are you from the south west or  the north?

chuqudy:

Is that what your parents/guardians/elders did? Then, you must have come from a very bad tribe where hatred, weakedness and juju is the order of the day. Are you from the south west or  the north?

Try reading the thread. A lot have been said. Thanks for your input.

@ bawomolo.how u dey my broda, just got back from una area (hyde blvd- South Connell drive) which neighbourhood are u in,

bawomolo:

lol most naija dads don't know their kids bday's

if the kids are too many then what's the point?

besides, remembering birthdays involves spending money. Nigeria is a poor country and anyway we mark religious holidays so knock on wood.

@EL
Your childhood does not sound normal.  I notice you never mention your mother so obviously there was a lot going on there.  I think from the mistakes our parents made it should in turn should make us better parents.

In as much as I will disciple my children the way my mother discipled us.  I would want my children to be able to talk to me freely about anything.  I do not want to be having boyfriend coversations with a 12 yr old that is a no no.  But I would want them to have enough to courage to know that no matter how bad to talk to me a problem shared is a problem halfed

Wonder why almost all father's back then were harsh on their kids  

My dad was pretty strict and we weren't allowed outside the house once we came back from school or anytime he's around. I had a crush on my neighbor's daughter and somehow. .the news got to him that i was seen sneaking in and out of their house (i only went there to watch cartoons, cuz we didn't have no TV back then & maybe stare at her a bit )

Food that fell to the ground , we weren't allowed to pick. . as we were told it belonged to the devil  

We only had ice-cream whenever he ain't around. .


How the times have changed  

In as much as I will disciple my children the way my mother discipled us. I would want my children to be able to talk to me freely about anything. I do not want to be having boyfriend coversations with a 12 yr old that is a no no. But I would want them to have enough to courage to know that no matter how bad to talk to me a problem shared is a problem halfed

GBAMM! MY SISTHA, i agree totally with you on that, 7 gbosa's 2 u girl!

LadyT:

@EL
Your childhood does not sound normal.  I notice you never mention your mother so obviously there was a lot going on there.  I think from the mistakes our parents made it should in turn should make us better parents.

In as much as I will disciple my children the way my mother discipled us.  I would want my children to be able to talk to me freely about anything.  I do not want to be having boyfriend coversations with a 12 yr old that is a no no.  But I would want them to have enough to courage to know that no matter how bad to talk to me a problem shared is a problem halfed

Nothing is normal. My mum died when I was one, (It could be worse, I could have been an orphan ). The point is I do have fond memories of childhood like most around here, it is just my teenage years that some of those things I mentioned happened. I suppose it is a phase in my life that I have gone past but reflecting it on it in this thread.

I suppose it is a phase in my life that I have gone past but reflecting it on it in this thread.

seriously Man Mi, HAVE YOU, REALLY?, hummmmmmmmmmmmmm i wonder!

LadyT:

@EL

LadyT link=topic=511646.msg6801305#msg6801305 date=1285168506:

I dont mean to attack but this example can never be used as a reason as to why smacking/beating doesnt work.  what your sister lacked was disciple and parental supervision running away was not an option for me I knew my mum would kill me once I returned

Well everybody is different. That is why you need wisdom to bring up a child. In her case like many others she was bold enough to commit those offences without really caring about the consequences. There are a lot of children like that.

In such a scenario love and understanding are more important than simple-minded flogging.

Omo mehn i feel like crying sha.
I'm fighting tears oh. I usually don't get this emotional.
Thank God for your life

Orilee9ice:

seriously Man Mi, HAVE YOU, REALLY?, hummmmmmmmmmmmmm i wonder!

You know, it is best to actually stay silent if you really do not have something meaningful to say.

What exactly is your point?  

jay bee:

Omo mehn i feel like crying sha.
I'm fighting tears oh. I usually don't get this emotional.
Thank God for your life

Haha Big boy like you lol.

I talk about it as part of my coping mechanism and just reflecting on life in general. I have learnt a few thing just be reading up on people's experience here. If anything, this should be taken as a positive in my opinion.