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Ujujoan:



I'm not just talking about being controlling (that I can handle), I'm talking about being close-minded . . . . When you are not even ready to hear people out but are bent on your own ideas! I've been in relationships before and I've never had to argue with a man about what kind of car I should drive! This is not about being ready to get married, this is about not losing yourself in the name of marriage!

Some people are strong opinionated and no matter what you do it will be a monumental task to shift them from there comfort zone. Like I've said being close minded is not necessarily a bad thing you just have to accept the other person's flaws for what they are.

Ujujoan:

Do you automatically decide EVERYTHING in your relationship? Just because you are a man?

No i don't, but i do have things that I've strong opinions on and wouldn't shift my position all because i want to make her happy and i expect her to do the same.
Once u realise that you guys are always going to be two different individuals with two different background/understanding coming together to make things work then the better it will be to accepting someone for who they her.
]

Ujujoan:

Okay I'll give u another instance . . . I wanted to change my tryes and I wanted a particular brand. He decided I should buy another brand . . . I went ahead to inquire from the market (incase I was mistaken) and was told that my choice was the best tyres I could use. I called him to tell him I was going ahead with the buy and he was like ' what's your problem, I told you to buy Bleep tyres and you want to buy yyy tyres . . . is it because you are the one paying for it? Infact don't change the tyres again, I'll change them for you next week'    

Of course I just ignored him and bought my tyres myself. He's still not speaking to me till today!  

'IF' we get married, wont he be the husband and I the wife? Am I going to be the husband? Why does he feel the need to always excercise his authority, even when he's obviosuly wrong? Why is it so difficult for him to change his ideas? Why does he always think he knows it all?    

lol women!!!!!
if what bf told you was so irrelevant to you then why didnt you say it right then?! why didnt you ask WHY when he said to buy YYY tyres?! rather than going and talk to some salesman to dismiss whatever advice he gave you?! if your bf knows about tyres then you better listen to him rather than some salesman out there.

salesman doesnt know why/what/where you are going to use the tyres for so Bf should be better suited to tell you what tyres are best to buy for the kind of usage you require (if he has mechanical Knowledge of course)

you did exactly what you blame your bf of doing with the phone. are you saying that it would be ok for him to buy you a different phone SIMPLY because salesman said it was better?!
you are no better than him and should practice what you preach, lol!

we all know OUR field of expertise: anything that has to do with the car/ fixing or repairing the house etc, men are the higher authority. anything to do with cooking/cleaning etc woman are the higher authority. pls dont misunderstand the meaning of being the HIGHER AUTHORITY. . . . . . . . . . . . . its simply means that in disagreements, the higher authority will have the finale say. if the choice made by the higher authority turns out to be wrong THEN , decisions on matters in this field will be shared 50/50.lol

THERE CANNOT BE TWO CHEFS IN ONE KITCHEN!!!

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jay bee:

Some people are strong opinionated and no matter what you do it will be a monumental task to shift them from there comfort zone. Like I've said being close minded is not necessarily a bad thing you just have to accept the other person's flaws for what they are.
No i don't, but i do have things that I've strong opinions on and wouldn't shift my position all because i want to make her happy and i expect her to do the same.
Once u realise that you guys are always going to be two different individuals with two different background/understanding coming together to make things work then the better it will be to accepting someone for who they her.
]

We all have our opinions JB but you can't have it your way ALL the time . . . especially when it affects your spouse directly! I thought the whole thing was all about compromise and not control

If your spouse is close minded, then you have to employ a lot of logical reasoning.

Ujujoan:

We all have our opinions JB but you can't have it your way ALL the time . . . especially when it affects your spouse directly! I thought the whole thing was all about compromise and not control

Compromising shouldn't equate to changing someone
You accommodate their shortfalls as they do to yours. That's what relationships should be about.

dayokanu:

If your spouse is close minded, then you have to employ a lot of logical reasoning.

GBAM. Question answered all in one sentence
If he is close minded then deal with him with a lot of patience.

Have you actually told him he is close-minded, that he needs to see things your way sometimes? I mean have a conversation on the subject with the man. But unfortunately I think he's the type that would take offense for saying how you feel. He's controlling.
So you actually sat there to drink what you don't like, are you trying to please him or what's the reason behind that one now?

Dude's not closedminded but a control freak, head for the nearest exit whilst you still can

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Bring $1,000

I would give you Juju to use

Are you sure you are also not too opinionated and rigid? In most cases it takes one to discover another. I might be wrong, but you come across as one too.

Many close minded/stubborn people will go all the way (like you did with the tyres) to prove they are right and that their opinion is better

Sweetheart, it is easier for a woman to change from being rigid than it is for a man, cos of the men's ego someone already mentioned, and where there is no compromise the relationship will not work

Like I told my woman, she has a say that is worth serious consideration in all issues, but I will always have the final say which will be the decision on whether we are taking her opinion or sticking to mine.

You accommodate those who are willing to change or who respect your views. It doesn't make him less of a man.
When he wants to force his way on you tell him not to bother. Like the way he wanted to force you to drink what you don't like. In that instance just say, you know what I don't want to drink anything again.

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@CC, well said, well spoken.

@Ujujoan, my girl can I ask u STH? How did u end up dating dat a guy? U try sha oh. I give u hands and legs big time.

To me, ur comments are Lamentations. U're lamenting; ur guy is an overbearing, control freak, self-centred etc man!

Can I tell u STH? If u can tolarate his overbearing attitude in marriage, my dear go ahead but if u know u cant after talking and making him realise him his attitude is affecting u, then end it. A broken relationship is better than a broken marriage.

I think both of u shlould seek counselling. Let a third party be ur umpire. Maybe u guys should have a get together with friends from his & urs for leisure sake and do the ''tell me my weakness or what you dont like about me''. Maybe this activity might help when most of his friends make him realise his faults. If this doesnt, then walk away.

This kind if guy can frustrate person. Do STH before it's too late.

what can i say, billionaires are used to getting their way  . they got where they were by not compromising being stubborn and imposing their will on others. . .

i'm pretty sure the fellow is prolly a very successful person - most highly successful bizmen have always been stubborn and gone against the grain/conventional thinking . .

Now the old me would have simple taken dat bottle, smashed it and walked out of that restaurant . . . My heart said to do it but my hands couldn't! I was soooo frustrated with myself. Where did all the fierce spirit go to huh?

either the clock's ticking is getting very loud, or billionaires are much harder to find these days 


don't mind me . . . 

^^^ haahahahahahha

Ujujoan,
let me give you one advise you would do well to take to heart.
Most women say allot of things but what happens on their home front is totally different.
This " I can never take it, " it`s all lies, sometimes unconscious lies, Most women take allot of shit.
You know all these things you have written so far, I cannot fault this man in any way.
Look at it this way- are two not to be one. So why do you not let him pick the tyres just because you are the one driving the car.
My husband is that way. He takes allot of decisions that, I sometimes felt, should actually not interest him. Sometimes it is something so trivial like the soap we use, or he insists on not replacing the dishwasher. Sometimes one would thing he is totally in control. However with many real important things he gives me my freedom to do it my way.
Well what I did  is when I know he would say no, I just go ahead and buy it without telling him first. When he asked I would tell him I mentioned it, but he was probably not listening to me as usual. After sometime he confronted me, on this tactic and I told him, I knew I could not do it when he said no, so I decided to opt for the lesser evil of doing it without telling him. I turned the tables on him telling him he had instilled so much fear in me that I had to go sneaking behind his back like a child. Well I got what I wanted without hurting his ego. Over the years it has became easier.
I realised that we women sometimes take men so seriously. I hardly get into arguments again because I avoid serious confrontation but mostly use teasing and laughter to get my way- When he gets angry, I hug him and tell him how much I live him and make jokes about it. Later on when tempers are calmed we can talk it out.
You need to learn the secret of moving a man to think that your decisions are his. You need to learn to succumb sometimes. In a relationship compromise is the key word. There are things we compromise and a few we don`t. Words are very powerful and when you learn to speak his language, communicate on his level, he will lean to listen.
You have a caring man wanting to change your tyres. You did not accept that offer? You hurt him with what you did. Letting him know you can handle it. The tyres he wanted, would have done it too.
Certainly women have a better intuition than men but a woman needs to let a man take decisions and also stand by him when the mistakes are made.
I believe that when this man realises that you also respect his opinion, then he will relax.
By he time you accept some of his ideas, I am sure that when you tell him I know you are right but I would love to have it this way, he would not have anything against it.
So what you need to do now, is to apologise to him, for having slighted him.
You might be loosing a good man for nothing.
I know it is hard when one has been independent, to adjust to a man, but you can learn to do so. Men are like children in many ways and when you understand that, you can cope better. When you really love, you can find it easier to make compromises.

mutter:

Ujujoan,
let me give you one advise you would do well to take to heart.
Most women say allot of things but what happens on their home front is totally different.
This " I can never take it, " it`s all lies, sometimes unconscious lies, Most women take allot of poo.
You know all these things you have written so far, I cannot fault this man in any way.
Look at it this way- are two not to be one. So why do you not let him pick the tyres just because you are the one driving the car.
My husband is that way. He takes allot of decisions that, I sometimes felt, should actually not interest him. Sometimes it is something so trivial like the soap we use, or he insists on not replacing the dishwasher. Sometimes one would thing he is totally in control. However with many real important things he gives me my freedom to do it my way.
Well what I did  is when I know he would say no, I just go ahead and buy it without telling him first. When he asked I would tell him I mentioned it, but he was probably not listening to me as usual. After sometime he confronted me, on this tactic and I told him, I knew I could not do it when he said no, so I decided to opt for the lesser evil of doing it without telling him. I turned the tables on him telling him he had instilled so much fear in me that I had to go sneaking behind his back like a child. Well I got what I wanted without hurting his ego. Over the years it has became easier.
I realised that we women sometimes take men so seriously. I hardly get into arguments again because I avoid serious confrontation but mostly use teasing and laughter to get my way- When he gets angry, I hug him and tell him how much I live him and make jokes about it. Later on when tempers are calmed we can talk it out.
You need to learn the secret of moving a man to think that your decisions are his. You need to learn to succumb sometimes. In a relationship compromise is the key word. There are things we compromise and a few we don`t. Words are very powerful and when you learn to speak his language, communicate on his level, he will lean to listen.
You have a caring man wanting to change your tyres. You did not accept that offer? You hurt him with what you did. Letting him know you can handle it. The tyres he wanted, would have done it too.
Certainly women have a better intuition than men but a woman needs to let a man take decisions and also stand by him when the mistakes are made.
I believe that when this man realises that you also respect his opinion, then he will relax.
By he time you accept some of his ideas, I am sure that when you tell him I know you are right but I would love to have it this way, he would not have anything against it.
So what you need to do now, is to apologise to him, for having slighted him.
You might be loosing a good man for nothing.
I know it is hard when one has been independent, to adjust to a man, but you can learn to do so. Men are like children in many ways and when you understand that, you can cope better. When you really love, you can find it easier to make compromises.

This is Wisdom 601- Advance Wisdom for matured and real African wives. (Endorsed by a Real African man - ME )

Women who are married are not difficult to figure out from their posts.

Mutter, Can you make me yoursecond husband?

seriously all i can say is whatever

@@

some things that give us a headache, when courting, end up being a remedy in marriage.
But let us assume that your headache-Migraine theory is right.
Then what is the cause of the headache in this case.
Is he a rigid man or a loving caring man that is taking his role as Protector and provider very seriously.
Is she a woman with a mind of her own or just a woman that is in conflict with wanting to be emancipated and self sufficient and not knowing how to appreciate the real role of a woman.
I do not want to be provocative but I think a woman at 33 should be happy to have a man who is so concerned. By the time the kids come both of them will have other avenues to focus their attention on.
Chaircover do you not think that this problem is nothing compared to other problems some men have?
What about the man who does not even care about the tyres? Who thinks that the woman should take care of herself?
The poster is at a ripe age for marriage and should be able to handle this situation without any headache.
anyway, whoever cannot stand migraines should not bother getting married.

mutter:


anyway, whoever cannot stand migraines should not bother getting married.

  Male and Female

male and female

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Was it a case of drink what I order or you must try this?
I know that there are many soups my husband did not like when we got married, that I have "forced" him to eat now and the other way around.
What could have been the motive behind the tyre and phone?
Sure the guy has to shift a little but se has to shift a big deal.
Do you know that her action of asking a salesman and going ahead to buy the tyres, was offensive?
Some people just do not know how to open themselves to accept kind gestures.
Now Chaircover if this were your sister and at that age, what would you advise her to do? Bear in mind that the biological clock is ticking. Bear in mind that the tendency is that after a certain age, the offers that come ones way do not necessarily get better.
Why do I have the feeling that you would advise her on how to hold the man and mould him rather than to discard him.
Uju if this man is serious you better work the relationship, I hope you have apologised by now.
Relationships and marriages are like a bed of roses. You have to take the flowers with the thorns.
There is no perfect match, what does not fit perfectly must be fitted.

My teenage girl just came back for her break and I asked her how she would react if her boyfriend insisted on her getting a partcular handy etc. She said she would want her own choice but if he knows better,
I asked her if she would feel bad about such actions or that her own will was being downtrodden, she meant that there was connection. She wanted to know why I was asking when I explained to her it was a forum topic she laughed relieved.
"mama I just got worried that you are carrying out an ARE YOU PARANOID test on me.

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