chaircover:



If he unceremoniously throws his MIL’s suitcase out into the street, that is no guarantee that his wife will love him more & unless there is any other ulterior motive, I would have thought that all the guys wants is to live peacefully with his wife. Do you see where I am coming from?

who cares? Isn't it obvious that the wife has obviously chosen her mum over him (Nothing wrong with that though just not in a matrimonial home).
what will she do if the role was switched? The wife is selfish as she only cares about how her mum feels.
Selfish people are meant to be treated harshly.
This is not a case of 1 or 2 months inconvenience, chei it's even years. Just beyond believe

'/'/

poster there is a time for peace and a time for war.this is not the time to be peaceful sometimes you have to shake things up to get results otherwise you will soon have heart attack all those saying you should go for silent treatment i dnt think they get the gravity of the pain you are in esp when you live with the person. dnt die young.

I used to be the silent treatment master until i had bad ulcers believe me it is not good for your health or marriage all i knw is MIL must leave and at once.do watever you need to do she is a cancer eating silently at your marriage.

if you are a church goer involve your pastor.escalate the issue to her sons offer to help out financially but let them know she cannot stay with you.pls do not offer to pay hse rent for her frm your post you cannot afford it.financial assistance is good but not house rent she got kids too.Pls dnt raise the issue of cheating while MIL is with you focus on your main challenge which is she must leave your house.

chaircover:

Jaybee LOL - He cares

If he didn't care, he would have hired 10 hefty looking area boys and thrown both the MIL and his wife from the balcony & wont be asking questions here on what to do.

I sense that the poster is looking for reconciliation with his wife but without the MIL.

Wrong . . .
Dude is weak.
We really shouldn't be confusing obvious weakness for care.
The wife is just lucky that the dude is an orphan cos if his parents are alive then surely they wouldn't be allowing such injustice.

jay bee:

why must he continue to suffer all because culture or religion asked us to be nice? They don't care about him so why should he care?
The woman should carry her mum and go stay with her abeg. What would have happened if it was the other way round?
Another lesson for us men mehn.
Don't marry a woman that's potentially going to make her family's responsibility yours

I haven't recommended he should continue to suffer in silence nor adviced him to be nice to them. The brief course of silence treatment i recommended, of course comes with a time limit, which only the poster can decide as he is the wearing the shoes, hence know where it is pinching. Moreover those follow-the-sheep Culture and Religion nor dey my dictionary nor my vocabulary at all at all. This story can only have two outcome - either he gets divorced or he re-asserts his position in the marriage, which he has to go back home to do. It is obvious Gfhotee wants the latter hence his cry for help, so pray tell what his getting into a slanging match and returning fire for fire with Wifey and Mil going to achieve, if not drive them away


What is not glaringly obvious in this situation is that if the wife did not genuinely love the man initially, she would not have gone against her Mum's advice not to marry him, lest she incurred her Mum's wrath. This wicked MIL, though refusing to see beyond her nose due to ignorance, has not had a good deal in life, what with her being one of 5 wives, then being left nothing after her Husband's death, is now living her life through her daughter and using the poor girl as a crutch. Yes they initially decided not to allow in family members into their matrimonial home, but due to the bad hands that the card of life dealt her Mum, the poor wife is now unwitttingly caught in the middle trying to balance running her matrimonial home and making sure she does not neglect her Mum in her state and at the same time give her husband the 100% attention he deserves.


Yes she is crap at running any business and handling finances, but she has some enviable admiring qualities and is a caring person, hence the reason she feels hurt that her husband is forcing her to choose between the two people she loves instead of understanding her Mum's plight, hence reason I advised the Husband to let the wife talk, then go back home, then put his foot down to discuss with Wifey future plans to rent a place for the MIL, situated at least 2 hours and 10 bus rides away from them, and financially help MIL set up something that interests her, perhaps an hobby, to alleviate any excuses of "she will be bored".  


It is clear Wifey is not a spiteful women and still loves him but is hurting cos she is being pulled both ways to choose one, hence her "i am sick" story, but she is probably one of those rare overly kind people who doesn't understand that it is hard not to like some people sometimes, hence is not really aware of the emotional torture and lack of privacy her Husband has been going through. As even if she was the most perfect MIL on earth, he still needs his privacy in his own home sometimes  


And Jaybee, it happens the other way oh, i have never had any issues with anyone i have dated, infact i end up being closer to their Mums than them and get told thngs they have never told their son's, but the fact is that you guys Mums are the worst of the lot. Plenty stories abound yafun yafun, hence the numerous proverbial wicked MIL stories Talk to your Mothers to handle my Sisters with care oh

Busy_body:


And Jaybee, it happens the other way oh, i have never had any issues with anyone i have dated, infact i end up being closer to their Mums than them and get told thngs they have never told their son's, but the fact is that you guys Mums are the worst of the lot. Plenty stories abound yafun yafun, hence the numerous proverbial wicked MIL stories Talk to your Mothers to handle my Sisters with care oh

I'm with you on the above. I know ma mum's capability. . . .Being the only boy and last born, if i just allow my mum into ma mum kpere hell will break loose. That's why we men have to be strong.
We should run our own home. Dude is weak and he needs to get on his feet to do the right thing. No point feeling sorry for him or what-not

PS: I won't even allow my babe be closer than necessary with ma sisters. If you are marrying me then please marry me ALONE
I want no outside influence abeg

jay bee:

I'm with you on the above. I know ma mum's capability. . . .Being the only boy and last born, if i just allow my mum into ma mum kpere hell will break loose. That's why we men have to be strong.
We should run our own home. Dude is weak and he needs to get on his feet to do the right thing. No point feeling sorry for him or what-not

PS: I won't even allow my babe be closer than necessary with ma sisters. If you are marrying me then please marry me ALONE
I want no outside influence abeg

I had to catch myself from going down that the same path with my only Brother too, can you imagine That green-eyed monster just reared its ugly head from nowhere, as if na me go marry am Gosh I can imagine what sort of MIL i'd be when my boys marry, God help me sha

^^
Point is it will still be understandable. No substitute for motherly love but each individual once married should rise to any challenges that such brings.

To everyone in da building who has contributed in one way or the other (jaybee, CC, uju, busybody, phoenix, and others), to cut the story short and all da bla bla talk. In just a sentence/a word, what do u advice, Abeg make una liv tory aside (no mre experience talk/quote, )

^^ prayer changes things and practice tough love kick MIL out as peacefully as you can if peace dnt wrk any other way will do.after MIL is gone trash out the cheating part with wifey take it frm there with time all will be well.

gfhotee:

Well I didnt wait 5 yrs b4 crying out, we've been on it and my wife has

been promising to move her mum out. There wa a tym I personally threw my

MIL luggages out, my my big sis wont stop crying and she pleaded dt if my

MIL must leave, it shld be on a peaceful note, dt made me to succumb and I

gave my wife 3months so dt the quarell wld hav died down to move her mum.

I clicked your posting history in order to quote the above and reply to it.  Then I find the one below.  Wow!

gfhotee:

I need a well to do woman (AGE DOESNT MATTER) that needs a strong-willed, sexy, business oriented and hardworking man for support and dating only. Am 42, dont look it, strong and sexually active, married but my woman seems to be the laziest in the world. I work so hard to keep the family going and where I need her support she starts well and frizzle out in few weeks. I have established her in businesses 4 times with capital ranging from N100k to N2m and she has nothing to show for it, all 4 attempts failed. Now she is involved in my business only to abscond every now and then.  I think I need to have a feel of a striving and success oriented woman. If anyone is interested please send me a private mail to gfhotee@yahoo.com

Prayer is the Key!

humm, a bit complicated as this is two stories in one your and mil in the house and your wife cheating. I will express my opinion based on the one side story listed you can search yourself and apply your wife's and the real story as it unfold.

I think we should start from why did your mil become an occupant in your house. Is this due to child bearing, economy, illness etc. Check the reason and if it is what can be resolved then go for it, let money solve this issue. E.g it will be unfair to send her packing if she does not have anywhere to go and you can't provide this accomation.
This has to be done ammicable, in life people are very important.

You need to have a rapport with ur wife, most marriages fail because participant hide and listen to poisonous advice from outsiders. You need to explain to your wife how you feel and the presence of your mother in law in the house. Remember life is very funny u can chase her out today but 2mr might be your family's turn that migh need the accomodation. I have a gut feeling what is happening is lack of clear communication.

As per your wife's affair i cannot realy say, she might have just found a phone companion.

You are sleeping in the office!!! sounds interesting, may be you have some disappearing act and your wife can't just be bordered ahd she is thinking oh he's gone again. I will you to judge yourself on this.

Marriage is very interesting and lovely if we learn to trust and honestly express our opinion. If you are truely sleeping in the office then maybe you need to work on your self and learn how to accomodate people more. I am really struggling to believe that a man, sleeps in the office!!!.

What ever happens, dont abandon your home, go face the challenges facing you. All the best and merry Xmas

Who are all those M0r0ns typing my name "unceremoniously" up there?
Sorry. . . some of us are not in your boats of misery. Not everyone wants to be a divorcee or miserable single like MOST of you around here.
Find some love please. . . and let others who have found it keep it.
Single ugly peeps!

I am overjoyed with the responses of encouragement on this thread.

[size=16pt]Quote from: gfhotee on May 05, 2010, 08:26 PM[/size]

I need a well to do woman (AGE DOESNT MATTER) that needs a strong-willed, sexy, business oriented and hardworking man for support and dating only. Am 42, dont look it, strong and sexually active, married but my woman seems to be the laziest in the world. I work so hard to keep the family going and where I need her support she starts well and frizzle out in few weeks. I have established her in businesses 4 times with capital ranging from N100k to N2m and she has nothing to show for it, all 4 attempts failed. Now she is involved in my business only to abscond every now and then.  I think I need to have a feel of a striving and success oriented woman. If anyone is interested please send me a private mail to gfhotee@yahoo.com

Oh well. . .
What can we say?

Like they say on "Face Book" concerning this poster and other matters arising. . .'it's complicated'!

Poster o. . . your 'status' is complicated!



Anyway. . . let us deal with the matter at hand. . . .

gfhotee:

Answers to the numerous qtns asked so far.
1) My parents are late. lost my mum 1970 and my dad yr2000.
2) If ds marriage crashes, I dnt intend taking another wife, my father lived without a wife since 1970 that my mum died till his death in yr 2000 at the age of 80
3) I am the sole financier in the home. I have set up nemerous biz for my wife but she jst cant do anything succesfully, so she has decided to join my biz, a sector i left for her to manage but she failed to sustain the biz as well
4) I have siblings 3females and 2 males but xtians and lover of peace, they kept asking me to pray and God will make changes. Non is aggressive enough to move in and help inpact any intimidation. I am d last born.
5) I have 2 kids frm her, females 6 and 3 yrs
6) Its actually a mistake that I said 5 yrs, its up to 7 years, she (MIL) moved in when husband died, and wldnt jst leave
7) my MIL has not been living with her husband since my wife was a kid, I guess she cldnt cope with d polygamy of the husband e had 5 wives
My wife siblings dnt seem to want to interfer, none has called me to iron out a solution, even all the quarrels i hav had with my MIL non of her sons has come to talk to me about it. And of course they do visit her in my home, cos most times am at wrk. I only enjoy the comfort of my home on sundays in the morning when my MIL wld hav gone to church by 5.30am,

UPDATE, , she called me yesterday night at weds 22nd by 9pm that she is sick and at my office, whereas i was at a frnds house helping him fill online visa application form for united state, he, his wife and son. So i tld her am not aaround and may not come back until morning. She asked where am I, and I tld her am somewhere doing a job for some1. Apparently she wld knw who dt my frnd is st i will be in his home dt late cos ive been going there to assist him and do some jobs for him. She sent me a text tht she said she is sick and i didnt shw any care, I replied dt she supposed to tell her mum not me since she is not ready to do my will.

I just want to let you know you have absolutely no problems besides a breakdown of communication and the inability to work together even after 7 years.
Thank God you all do not have any health issues. . .
Perhaps if one of you were lying terminal in the hospital. . . with only a few days to live(heavens forbid), you would get your acts together in a jiffy.
Hang in there for another 3 years, for I always advocate a 10-year committment period before thinking of calling it quits.
You have children to worry about. . . so, you adults should stop being selfish.

No, you should not re-marry if you decide to get divorced(your choice). Your only responsibility should be your children if you decide to get divorced, till they are grown.
Another woman will only complicate your life and make your children miserable. Your children are too young to be put through more animosities btw you both.
It is the season to be jolly. . .  a time for togetherness.
Some people do not have families to be with. . .
You are blessed with one. . . cherish the one you have.

Sorry. . .I have mine by my side, enjoying the blessings of them all. . . and I cannot imagine all this mess you are going through at a special time like this with only a few days to end the year. Ol boy. . . divorce is not an option. If you think you are miserable now. . . waka comot first. . . ya eyes go clear well well after you have made the mistake of throwing away the greatest gift in the world. . . your own family.

Shine ya eye well well o. Second marriages have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages.
Glad your wife has called at least. . .I guess the other dude don 'taya' am.
Please, make peace with your wife and your MIL. Let your MIL stay for a while. . . then send her away on an amicable note.

Goodu luck o!

ho ho ho. . . merry xmas!

///

you have failed in being the man of ur home. You were too civil and play too low n kool in dealing with d two women hence ur present sad situation. Imagine not given a damn u slept out and making secret calls n keeping d fone away from even wit d mothers support. This is bad news. U should go back to ur house and take charge. Spell out ur rules n whoever dat cnt comply should ease out. Simple! U cant b an outcast n refugee in ur own house. U need to b firm n strong dats wat makes a man.dnt go begging wl b u digging ur grave if u do dat.dats if de hv not already dug ur grave. If de resist ur actions,dnt go violent cos wl lead u to trouble. would hv advised u pack a few things n relocate but i trust dats wat de waiting for to bring d oda man in.so u can go get a truck n pack ur belongings,furniture inclusive n relocate n leave them in d house.take it or leave it ur marriage rite now is poison n de wnt hesitate to eliminate u.so act fast!

O boy! this is a simple case that need drastic action.

1. Call your wife and tell her to convince her mom to leave within a dealine of 3days.
2. Call the elders in her family and tell them to also do same.
3. If you wife doesn't do that, if she picks quarrel with you or leaves with her mom, and stuffs like that, then she probably was never yours in the first place.
4. Take drastic action, THROW HER OUT,

I called her eldest bro today, and I was surprise he told me he never heard anything. So I briefed him that I have been having occasional quarel with his mum, and I guess its because of the over familiarity which has degenerated to lack of respect for each other and dt I am sure if he hears thI insult his mum he may not find it funny. So I told him I want the woman out of my home but my wife will not succumb, rather she neglected me. He however said he never heard anything that he will arrange right away for her removal to his home.
Probably by ds night she may have left, I seriously hope so. Thanks to all wise NL. I appreciate evry1s contribution, and pls those dt r insulting each other on ths issue shld pls stop. Evry1 is welcome with his or her own opinion be it married or single. Thanks Again.

[b]HARD TRUTH[/b]You wont make progress in your business if your wife is cheating on you and you are under the same roof.As you said she doesnt succed in her any business you setup up for her.Dont stay with a cheating woman.It wont help you in any way.

@Blazay
Imagine the KonkonbiRity! Angry
Look at all these miserable single people snowed inside their foreclosed council flats near Gatwick airport typing rubbish on this thread?

Who invited all of you here? Angry
The OP asked for 'popular' opinion and look what we have here.
I was having a man to man tok with the OP and your single miserable creatures are interrupting.
Will you all go and shovel your snow from your door entrances and clearrrrout of this thread before I count 1. Angry

Why are you behaving as if you've got a PhD in Marriage Matters? This is only a forum and there is no need to be rude to virtually every contributor. I don't know how old you are, but growing old is different from growing up. Choose the latter, will ya?

@OP,
Looks like there is light at the end of the tunnel afterall. At least your wife does miss you. Now it's time to show her more love and care than she can ever imagine and while you're at that, make her realise that the only way you can continue to live peacefully is if you both agree to move her mum out. You've got to be as diplomatic as possible (c'mmon, aint you a man?).
If diplomacy doesn't work, then use force tactics, but make this a last resort.
You've got to what you gotto do to make your marriage work (esp. for the sake of the kids).

Is you mother alive? Then move her in. I just hope that she knows how to make trouble. Move in a couple of your nieces and nephews also. Obviously they will have to share a room with you mother in law also.

she has come to stay

The question is: Who are you married to? who paid the bride price? who is the head of the family?, your post sounds so nigerian moovious, so to say. even the Holy Bible says ", 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'?, , it did not say unite with the mother-inlaw. even if she is a widow, send her away, if you don't know this just know now that in as much as she is still there, physical and spiritual she is the head of that house, and as long as she is still the head of that family, xpect problems.

How long shall you cotinue to sleep in your office, how long shall you abandoned your family, how long shall you behave like a house-boy, when will you realize your manship & fathership, how long shall you continue like this? wake-up and take-up the challange ahead of you, this is broad-day-light witchcraft, send her to hell where she belongs, there is no respect for the devil. even when you remove letter "" from the word "DEVIL" the result will still be "EVIL", don't xpect change from her, she was only pretending and waiting for the right time to strike.

[b][size=18pt]Listen, I'm getting impatient reading this thread you posted here as it provokes anger in me therefore, can't read on and here's my view.

Whatever happened to people's dignity, I wonder! It seems, your wife has none at all, and it doesn't surprise me where she got the genes - her mother.

Did I hear she hasn't gone home, five years after her first visit? Right, if your wife still don't know up till now that you married her (not including her mum) therefore, wants to be with her and the kids alone, I suggest you inform her now.

Also, that if you ever needed support with baby sitting, that you could ask both mothers - yours and hers for help (assuming they are still young enough to do so) therefore, it's only right her mum visited home after such a long time away.

I'm assuming mum came to do Omugwo and decided to move in instead thus, overstayed her Omugwo welcome here, abi? Even the Baby mum came to do his/her Omugwo, his mates are about to start school now, and its time to go home mum.

But let me ask you, since mum is always around the house, when/how do you get space to make love to your wife or do you quickly steal it when mum is not looking or in the bath Or do you go about doing it at mum's hearing. Abeg o o!

Seriously, I suggest you give your wife a mandate and inform mum to get ready to go home on so, so, so date. Also, inform some of your respectable in laws with influence in the family i.e. your wife's relatives and your own family and then, gather some money and things she might need when she get home. 

I could hear some people questioning why inform the in laws? Remember, this a family we are talking about here, and grand children are involved besides, you never know when you might need their help and vice versa. 

Based on one Igbo idiom, one must not poo along the track on his way out else, on your way back flies will perch/rest on you! So, don't ever say, you and your in laws will never need each other because you will, one day!   

Remember, mum relocated a long time ago - 5 years we are talking about here, that's a long time someone is away from an environment and she might not even recognise her town or village, let alone her own house.  

So, be prepared on that day, if your wife and mum refuse, get the police and get her out of your house immediately, your wife would then realise you mean business and take her mother to the motor park and home for good. In fact, this behaviour amounts to nothing but emotional abuse in your own house - na lie be that!

Take action and mean it.  After this action, if the in-laws would not talk to you again, so be it!  After all, you've done your best and you alone can't solve the worlds problems, period. As far as I'm concerned, mum is their responsibility not yours. 

You're only helping and have done your best, if the in laws are not happy about your action, tough! To me, only shameless in-laws will support this selfish attitude from mum.

So, it's not right to celebrate Christmas in the Office when you have a home, no! However, assuming your wife, is mum's only child and mum is getting old to live on her own then, I could see your wife's need to have her mum around therefore, I would suggest you bear it until the old lady passes away. 

Alternatively, you and your wife could build mum a Granny flat in the back garden/next to your house to enable you all, keep an eye on mum. Remember, we all have mothers and you wouldn't chock your own mother out from your house in her old age, would you

So, in view of this situation, check and analyse things properly and make the right decision for your family sake.[/size][/b]

sighs

Thanks to all, I called home 2day and my wife told me her mum has packed all her things and only waiting for her son who will be coming today to take her away.
As for my wife, I told her to move with her mum, since she has apparently shown to me that she will rather live with her mum than I, since she cld feel comfortable with me sleeping outside for 9 days now. That its obvious that she doesnt love me anymore or better still never loved me.
Now my sis, frnds and cousin has been pleading that I leave he to remain with my. Am still thinking about that, to be or not to be. She disappointed me seeing me suffering without been moved. I wldnt do dt for her.

The truth is that you dont have a say in your home.You abused the right you have as the head of the family and now you are suffering.This your marriage will not last.sorry to ask this do you have any child?if yes stick to the marriage ,and try your best for the sake of ur children/child.if no pls walk out of the marriage.ur MIL is evil and she will not change.how can a mother support the child to cheat on the husband.it is an abomination in our own side.That alone should make you think well and not even run.one thing more your life is in danger because they can decide to eliminate you so be very careful.In evrything pray to God to help you out of this mess,change your wife and chaase your MIL away from your house.Because you cannot do anything.Runing away showed that you are a coward and dont know your right.Abi no be you get the house.

i forgot to ask how u make love to ur wife with the mum around.bros try this one go back to ur house,make peace with your wife.if u dont have kids make love to her every where especially when ur MIL is there.I mean real love making .Dip your hands under her paints in her presence and finger her till she screams ignore your MIL and you will see she will become uncomfortable and pack out.i did that to my sis in law that came to my house to break my marriage.she ran away telling everybody that we are dogs.making love as if our life depends on it.I dont care .

prommy:

i forgot to ask how u make love to your wife with the mum around.bros try this one go back to your house,make peace with your wife.if u dont have kids make love to her every where especially when your MIL is there.I mean real love making .Dip your hands under her paints in her presence and finger her till she screams ignore your MIL and you will see she will become uncomfortable and pack out.i did that to my sis in law that came to my house to break my marriage.she ran away telling everybody that we are dogs.making love as if our life depends on it.I dont care .

thats what i call proactive

prommy:

i forgot to ask how u make love to your wife with the mum around.bros try this one go back to your house,make peace with your wife.if u dont have kids make love to her every where especially when your MIL is there.I mean real love making .Dip your hands under her paints in her presence and finger her till she screams ignore your MIL and you will see she will become uncomfortable and pack out.i[b] did that to my sis in law that came to my house to break my marriage.she ran away telling everybody that we are dogs.making love as if our life depends on it[/b].I dont care .

Really.

Mr. ghotee you seem very unhappy in your marriage, from your past posts in NL you are not happy that your wife cannot really work a job or show much responsibility at business either, it got compounded by the MIL side of it.  You have really been weighed down by these problems, they are no easy problem for a young man as in having to fend for a family and stuff. It is good that the MIL's part of the problem is being solved, you and your wife need counselling and good communication between the two of you. Have you ever let her know how much you hate that she can't handle business? If you haven't, do let her know she might put more effort into it. You two need to seriously discuss that issue, she need to get her striving spirit on so that she can handle stuffs and be able to take care of her children wherever the wind blows. They did say that no condition is permanent.