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Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? - Family - Nairaland

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Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by listentome: 10:56pm On Jan 05, 2011
Please, i need advice and opinion from matured people. Married peeps and those in serious relationships.

I am a Nigerian young lady presently dating a Nigerian man here in England. He's just recently completed his degree and he is yet to get a stable job.

We have been together for about six months and things have been okay between us expect the issue of finances.

It seems that i am bearing all the financial burden of this relationship. Although we stay seperately, anything i cook. . . . pot of soup, rice. beans, anything. . . . i always split it into two and give my boyfriend most times over half of it. He has never given me a penny just to make up for the money i spend on all the meals i cook for both of us. He has never asked me specifically to cook for him. . I prepare the meals outta love and for the fact that he cannot cook and most times he eats out (kebab, and some other junk).

On one occassion, he had issues paying his rent and i had to lend him money. He didn't return the money back to me when i expected and he wanted to give me the money in installments but i refused and told him i needed the money to sort out my own issues (which was the truth) and it was only then he gave me back the money.

I have no issues helping out someone i love in times of need but i am beginning to feel used and stupidly in love.The final straw was recently when i had to lend him money inorder for him to sort out his visa issues (a tangible sum).
By the time i lent him the money and paid my own rent, my account was overdrawn leaving me broke with piling overdraft fees  embarassed  He is yet to tell me when he's going to return the money back to me and i am feeling a bit awkward regarding asking him about it.

I earn  higher than him and my source of income is steadier than his. I am a very generous person at heart but i recently developed this feeling that the reason he's keeping me around is because i offer some sort of financial support.

He talks about marriage and tells me that once he gets a regular job that he is going to marry me. He does appreciate me and tells that me that girls like me with my attitude and character are hard to find and he does not want to lose me. He also tells me that he has never felt so loved by any girl  in his life.

I see nothing wrong in standing by my man in need (especially with this tag on nigerian girls in london that we are all gold diggas) but do you people think i am overdoing it?

Am just really down now. Especially when i think about the fact that my account is in red and thats because i lent money to him  sad
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Orton1_0(m): 11:31pm On Jan 05, 2011
Even though our Beloved Mother Theresa once said; "When you love so much untill it hurts, then there can be no more hurt,but more love"

I personally regard dat cliche as b*llsh*t cos love should bring you happiness, blessings, fulfilment and above all, something to live for And no TRUE man who truly loves his woman would DEPEND on her, let alone sit back and let her carry his entire burden.
Love is blind, yes but even a blind man is not silly!. And i'm sure he has never even gotten you a feather since you guys started dating.
Food and gifts items, fine!, But his Rents??

Ma dear love is not food and neither does it put food on the table.

Ma opinion, Stop giving him ur hard earned cash (i.e. If you even have any left), and make sure he promises to pay you every dime!
Common, a man dat loves you will even make promises like ,'my dear i can't tank you enough for all u've done for me and pray i get a job soon . . . .'etc

You Women and ur soft hearts. [luv u guys dough]
GOODLUCK DEAR.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Orton1_0(m): 11:32pm On Jan 05, 2011
Even though our Beloved Mother Theresa once said; "When you love so much untill it hurts, then there can be no more hurt,but more love"

I personally regard dat cliche as b*llsh*t cos love should bring you happiness, blessings, fulfilment and above all, something to live for And no TRUE man who truly loves his woman would DEPEND on her, let alone sit back and let her carry his entire burden.
Love is blind, yes but even a blind man is not silly!. And i'm sure he has never even gotten you a feather since you guys started dating.
Food and gifts items, fine!, But his Rents??

Ma dear love is not food and neither does it put food on the table.

Ma opinion, Stop giving him ur hard earned cash (i.e. If you even have any left), and make sure he promises to pay you every dime!
Common, a man dat loves you will even make promises like ,'my dear i can't tank you enough for all u've done for me and pray i get a job soon . . . .'etc

You Women and ur soft hearts. [luv u guys dough]
GOODLUCK DEAR.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by OAM4J: 2:30am On Jan 06, 2011
I dont think you are overdoing anything and I would not advice you to change, at least he has not misbehaved or shown himself to be insincere and he appreciates you. He might just be real.

But I will advice you deal cautiously with him, dont hurt yourself to please him and dont give more than you can afford. It is also not wrong to ask him when and how he intends to pay you back what he owes.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by iphy42: 2:48am On Jan 06, 2011
How are u sure he'll marry u. Why spend on a man you're not married to. Tomorrow u'll come back wit tears seeking help.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by OAM4J: 4:04am On Jan 06, 2011
iphy42:

How are u sure he'll marry u. Why spend on a man you're not married to. Tomorrow u'll come back wit tears seeking help.

Are you also sure he will not marry her?

1 Like

Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by jennykadry(f): 4:17am On Jan 06, 2011
My advice to you as a fellow sister who's been inlove and still inlove is :STOP GIVING HIM ANY MONEY. He needs to get himself involved in some kind of job whilst waiting for a professional job, even if he has to clean the gutters, he should do it cos some people have done worst.

I visited the nursing home here one day and guess what, a medical student who just graduated and has his license to practice was working there as a Carer. We got talking and guess what: this dude said he was able to pay all his school fees by just been a carer, he said he used to be a carer in another city and moved over to my present city and applied for this caring job which he got last week pending on when he gets a job. Ofcourse he is going to get a job in 2 secs cos doctors and nurses are needed here like crazy. But the dude just does not wanna stay at home idle, cos who is going to pay the rent? and how is he going to feed?

You need to stop this ASAP, this relationship is just 6months old, you don't need to support any man right now. Stop giving him money and stop cooking for him all the time, you've started doing all these already and believe me when I tell you that the days you don't do it, he is going to complain.

Something tells me this guy's got some money somewhere but has decided to live off your generous pocket,because when you asked for the money he used to pay his rent, he insisted paying in installments but when you insisted, he got his azz up and got the money
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by chaircover: 6:42am On Jan 06, 2011
I totally agree with Jenny on this one. Yes love the guy;  but tough love him. If he does indeed want to marry you, you are not helping him by giving him a soft landing each time he flies because he is going to get used to it & you are just laying your bed for trouble down the line.

Like jenny I have seen men do all sorts of jobs to put money in their pocket. I came to the UK long before the IT boom and Yahoozee era and I have seen real men roll up their sleeves and do any legit job . . .  any legit job at all to get by.

If you really want to help him, invest your time in scouring newspapers for job vacancies, walking into places like Mcdonalds etc, asking for the manager and asking him for a job for your brother or something.

Yes I said it . . . McDonald's! cool Because there is no such thing as dirty money. Better he works part time in MacDonald & using the rest of his time to look for a better job than leeching on a girlfriend he only met 6 months ago

The fact that you are even mentioning it here, shows that you are already feeling the odd bit of resentment towards all of this and very soon this will begin to affect your relationship.

If you really love this guy and you want to help him, then stop giving him fish but help him to achieve his own ways of catching his own fish.

All the best
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by rich_16: 12:07pm On Jan 06, 2011
u guys shud just sort out issues with urselfs, period
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by berth(m): 12:11pm On Jan 06, 2011
U ve 2 watch him closely, if he's really genuine (4 real)or jus one of dose lazi bone dat prefer 2 live on innocent woman 2 service their secret luver,
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by spikedcylinder: 12:12pm On Jan 06, 2011
Where did he get the money he used in paying you the last time?

1 Like

Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by jennykadry(f): 12:14pm On Jan 06, 2011
spikedcylinder:

Where did he get the money he used in paying you the last time?

My exact reason for posting this. . . .l

jennykadry:

Something tells me this guy's got some money somewhere but has decided to live off your generous pocket,because when you asked for the money he used to pay his rent, he insisted paying in installments but when you insisted, he got his azz up and got the money
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by squad1: 12:22pm On Jan 06, 2011
@Poster, i think maybe you should Pretend you too dont have money for a while and then study how he reacts, QED

1 Like

Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by colonel20: 12:26pm On Jan 06, 2011
I don't think you should continue giving him your hard earned dough. In fact, let's be honest, i don't think he really appreciates you (u give him without his asking and so he believes u will continue giving him in fear of losing him). Who knows, he might even be saving some part of the money for his own personal plans. angry

OK, that's enough of me but i think you have to curtail ur spending. Nurse your account and let him finance his affairs. I believe your happiness counts first.
If the relationship is giving you headache, drop it because sooner or later it's going to install negative vibes into your mind. Who knows, there might be the best man out there for you.

Please dear, my candid advice is to Nurse your account, wait and see if he will explain his actions and thoughts reasonably and see what happens to your relationship with him (good or bad) and surge forward.
Good luck dear
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by seyibrown(f): 12:30pm On Jan 06, 2011
Shebi you love him? All you need to do is APPLY WISDOM IN ALL YOUR DEALINGS WITH HIM and BE SURE THAT HE REALLY LOVES YOU TOO!  smiley It's not a bad idea to help those we can afford to help especially someone we love!
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by joystica: 12:31pm On Jan 06, 2011
my Dear the truth is all you need is prayers. put it in prayers God can reveal is true picture from there you will know if he is deceivivg you or not. cus it not wrong to help.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by eros(m): 12:34pm On Jan 06, 2011
jennykadry:

My advice to you as a fellow sister who's been inlove and still inlove is :STOP GIVING HIM ANY MONEY. He needs to get himself involved in some kind of job whilst waiting for a professional job, even if he has to clean the gutters, he should do it cos some people have done worst.

I visited the nursing home here one day and guess what, a medical student who just graduated and has his license to practice was working there as a Carer. We got talking and guess what: this dude said he was able to pay all his school fees by just been a carer, he said he used to be a carer in another city and moved over to my present city and applied for this caring job which he got last week pending on when he gets a job. Ofcourse he is going to get a job in 2 secs cos doctors and nurses are needed here like crazy. But the dude just does not wanna stay at home idle, cos who is going to pay the rent? and how is he going to feed?

You need to stop this ASAP, this relationship is just 6months old, you don't need to support any man right now. Stop giving him money and stop cooking for him all the time, you've started doing all these already and believe me when I tell you that the days you don't do it, he is going to complain.

Something tells me this guy's got some money somewhere but has decided to live off your generous pocket,because when you asked for the money he used to pay his rent, he insisted paying in installments but when you insisted, he got his azz up and got the money


As a guy with a little experience in this kind of issues, i will say the best advice ever offered here is the one above. Follow the advise above and you wouldn't have any issues with your guy. Don't bear his burdens to your own discomfort and never do things for love that will make you regret tomorrow.

You asked for our sincere and matured advise and you have it. What you do with it is left to you.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Shoolar(m): 12:39pm On Jan 06, 2011
U're right for supporting him.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by eros(m): 12:43pm On Jan 06, 2011
You should also note that without you he will continue to survive. So don't think that if you don't loan him money, he wouldn't be able to pay his bills. How did you get to the U.K. in the first place? Was he expecting to meet someone like you to bear his burdens?

Granted you are in love with him, but love has its limits and boundaries. Just like someone suggested, also pretend to be very broke and see his reaction.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by seedord247(m): 12:44pm On Jan 06, 2011
joystica:

my Dear the truth is all you need is prayers. put it in prayers God can reveal is true picture from there you will know if he is deceivivg you or not. cus it not wrong to help.


My Dear follow this advice and i know God will surely put you through.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by aisha2(f): 12:44pm On Jan 06, 2011
Hmmm, it usually starts will small things, then small loans then bigger loans, then you will be in trouble as you are now. But i really cannot judge your situation. All i can tell you and this is genuine advice, doing someone favors, helping him or her does not guaranty that the person will marry you. The Bible says where your heart is there you treasure will be and it applies both ways. Lets start from the small, if he has money to buy fast food since you cook for him he should give you that money to prepare the food, if he treasures you like you do him, no matter how broke he is, he will make provisions for you. I know men, no matter how broke they are if they love you they will divide the amount they have in thier pocket into two or even into 3 and give you the bigger share, CC and others can back me up  on this. A man that is serious about you will be concerned about your welfare even if you earn more. I have been in this situation and i can tell you, it was hard for Oga even though we were much younger and he was really broke, he will always bring something to the table, and it never had to be my money ll d way, if i did something worth N1500, he will do something worth 750 even though that 750 for him was like drawing his blood but he wanted to show me with the little he had then that he could take care of me. The bibble says he who is faithful with little will be faithful with much
I am not impressed that he does not give you any money to cook despite the fact that cook and spare him the expenses and inconvenience of going out to eat, that says a lot about him. Relationships involves 2 pple, both of you must bring something to the table, and more for a man even if he is dead broke he will still hustle to bring something but in this case where he does not bring money for even food and goes ahead to borrow money, i have serious reservations oh
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Confilass: 12:53pm On Jan 06, 2011
Hi Dear, I will advise u based on my personally experienced I had with a guy for eight good years. Any man u spent much on and he doesn't even for a day buy u gift no matter how little. U ought to be very careful.

Who knows he might 've been spending his own on another lady and just pretend to love and keep u because of ur financial status. How long will u continue with this, he may dump u later or marry u. The way u lay ur bed so u'll lay on it.

Don't hurt urself or empty ur account to please him. Do u know if he has a beta job he will still value u?
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by ijogbon(m): 12:55pm On Jan 06, 2011
home girl, as a guy myself,

only two reasons i will treat a girl like this:

1. i am taking her for no good
2. i am no good

, neither being a good reason for the girl to keep keeping me. Mugu starts with the letter U.

What girls fail to learn is that the way a guy treats you at the beginning is the BEST way he is ever going to treat you.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by greenish05: 12:56pm On Jan 06, 2011
Does the money worth the  love you  have for himwhat of if he is just a friend to you cant you help when your friend need your help?
God will continue to bless you if you can help him till he is ok financially, Dont be panic of anything do it for love and you will never regret it.
He need you now more than ever and pls stay with him to the last and you will both laugh at last.The reason why he told you he want to be ok before you both get married might be because he doesnt want much on you when you both married.He is a man and a man should always be a man.Pls dont let anyone confuse you.I see you both have a bright future
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by jay bee(m): 12:57pm On Jan 06, 2011
I'm a lil worried that your idea of doing things for love is seriously clouding your judgements.
Don't you know that most times doing things when not asked makes the other person become overly comfortable.
You going over the top by ALWAYS cooking and sharing the food half way paints a picture of a desperate woman (I'm not suggesting you are but i know how i will feel if a woman does that for me). It's OK to do it once in a while but not make it a duty.
You are spoiling the dude, Let him stand up on his feet and be a man. If he can afford kebab then surely he should be able to give you money for food stuffs.
The only favour a girlfriend is allowed to do is cook but not use your own money. You are not married to him for crying out loud.

Secondly, why borrow him money that you don't have? Never do silly things for love. What happens God forbid you guys break up and you've borrowed him thousands which he refuses to pay, you probably end up struggling to repay the money and in turn get blacklisted.
Their is only so much anyone can do. You are not his mother so talk to him about not being comfortable with the current situation.

Just let him know that he needs to drop money going forward if he wants home cooked meals.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by olumee: 1:02pm On Jan 06, 2011
You should stop complaining girl, come to me I will never ask u for food or money, just to have access to your kitty.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by realcele: 1:06pm On Jan 06, 2011
I feel sorry for you oh, you are feeding a man and that man happens to be a nigerian. Huumm best of luck is all I can say but make sure you are giving because you are a giver not because you expect marriage or love or whatever you call it. Giving your hard earned cash out of love for anyone (man or woman) may come back and hurt you but give you extras because you are you and let no able man be a liability. Jobs are scarce but available if he is ready to get his hands really dirty as earlier posts have said.

Now that you have turn yourself into a special or love bank that lend money and much more without receiving any back I think you should forward me your details as i need to lend money myself. I promise i wont take your food or extras but lots of money i wont have to pay back.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by colly227(m): 1:13pm On Jan 06, 2011
It hurts me a lot when ladies complain of assisting their BF financially. @poster i have a question to ask you, i know this is not your first relationship right? , in your former relationship i guess your BF must have supported you greatly and i begin to wonder why you did not come here to report to us if it was wrong him helping you financially or not.

The next time you will bring up silly topic then the spirit of the financial help you had from any man will hurt you greatly.

Hisses
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by centnaira: 1:23pm On Jan 06, 2011
For ur heart to be troubled means u may regret ur actions, if he has a gud heart, he would have know what it takes to prepare those foods n would have asisted in any way. be wise my dear, am a man who knows dat men are stubborn. thank u.
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by orgasm(m): 1:38pm On Jan 06, 2011
Nothing wrong about ur actions but u hv to be sure he is true to u.all u shld be concern about is he is genuine or just with u cos of what he is getting from u.
U can turn down his request on lets say three occassions that u dnt hv cash and lets see if he will still appreciate u and show u d same amount of love.
Again it is not wise to lend out money up to d extent of putting urself at a disavantage and precarious position. U can only sacrifice ur extras
By nature man is suppose to provide for the woman not the other way round as in ur case. Though is not a crime the man should be seen doing everything possible to reverse the situation else he is just irresponsible period!
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Mekiko: 2:04pm On Jan 06, 2011
my dear,
there's nothing wrong in supportig your man when he's in need;but what is however wrong is if he lends money from you, he should have the decency and integrity to pay back without him waiting for you to ask.Even if the money is at the moment not available he should at least make a conscious effort to let you know he is working on paying you back.

my advice to you just be watchful.support him if it's from your heart and you have no qualms whether or not the money is returned.rather than loan him money you can't part with, only loan him because you want to.nevertheless make sure he is not taking you for a ride.the real him however will come out when he does have a steady income because the saying you know a person when they have money in their hands is so true.if he means well you'll know immediately and if he doesn't you'll still know.

though i'm concerned about the fact that he has no qualms with your cooking everytime for him.at least some sort of income comes in to him even if it's not regular.i would expect that no matter how little it is he has,he would offer to pay for some of these meals.
that's another thing to look out for my dear.a man that is open handed will offer a few times if not always to assist in some little way that he can.it's not until one has a lot you can show generousity.

Just Shine your eyes.
Cheers!
Re: Am I Doing Wrong By Supporting My Boyfriend Financially? by Princek12(m): 2:05pm On Jan 06, 2011
I see nothing wrong with supporting your boyfriend financially, as long as you guys are in a committed, serious relationship, possibly longterm. Six months in a relationship, as it is in your case, may be possibly too short to delve yourself into supporting your boyfriend. The main question, however, is whether you guys have any plans of eventually getting married.

For me, save for entertainment spending, I will never support financially any girl with whom I am not in a serious, committed relationship and whom I have no plans of marrying. That's just how I roll. I ain't no Santa Claus or Father Christmas or Baba Keresi.

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