aktunde:

Can you see what I am saying? I said this guy in question might not even be as bad as you make people see him here. To confirm I said it before, check out the bold part of my initial comment below:

Can you see yourself? I already have a feeling that this guy might not even be as bad as you have painted him here. That was why I never supported you on the first place. Now you here here defending him again. Now, you have allowed so many people who don't even know the details about him to rain all sorts of bad comments about him. I just wish he can have an idea of what you have done to him here. Now, you want to defend him again. I just don't know what is wrong with some people. Instead of you to sit down and handle your personal problems. Because of your little worry, you run to nairaland. People have various opinions, and you will only be exposed to noise by making your personal issues public. Now, you want o make them like the guy again, after bringing him down because you just received your pay check?

Na real wa for you

And my fellow nairalanders, lets always be patient to get full details before passing comments. I am sure this poster might have made some people feel stuupid for what they think or said about a guy they don't even know. I don't really see anything wrong in that relationship, except if there is something to prove that the guy never loved her or the guy is merely using her.

sir.

you keep going on and on about how i have ridiculed my boyfriend

please, where is the ridicle?

have i called him names or insulted him

all i have done is state the true position of things in my relationship. i am not defending him or trying to make him look good to anybody here. all the things i have stated here is nothing but the truth.

it is not possible for me to narrate the entire story in just my initial post. As a matter of fact, i felt my first post was too long and people may not read it. I only made my second post so as to further explain things since some people assumed that he was not working, etc.

nairaland is an annoymous forum and thats the beauty of it. it gives you the room to pour out your heart and worries to people and then read their various opinions and views on the issue. so please, do not condemn me for coming here to express my worries and fears.

likeme:
.

It takes time be4 visa do come out, he still need to keep the money in his account until the visa is out.

Yes, the money has to be in his account untouched till the visa is out which makes it very awkward for me to ask when i will be getting the money back except i just keep mute and wait till whenever the visa comes out for me to ask him

listentome:

Yes, the money has to be in his account untouched till the visa is out which makes it very awkward for me to ask when i will be getting the money back except i just keep mute and wait till whenever the visa comes out for me to ask him

So please be patient with him, you are not doing too much sometimes friends are God's way of helping us. In this case that is what you are doing. A good man will remember this act for good. even if he messed up Posterity will have a way of paying u back better.

It can be hurting especially but u will laff last.

OP

My initial advice stands, especially after reading those clarifications in your 2nd post.

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong in a girl helping his boyfriend out in his time of needs. If we can help out friends, people we barely know and strangers, why not the person we claim to be in love with?

Just imagine he is in your shoes and you in his shoes, how will you feel, if he decides not to help you in your hour of need, especially knowing fully well he can be of help.

Whether you ended up getting married or not, do it for the love you presently shared and continue to help for God and humanity sake, only don't go beyond your means.

likeme:

So please be patient with him, you are not doing too much sometimes friends are God's way of helping us. In this case that is what you are doing. A good man will remember this act for good. even if he messed up Posterity will have a way of paying u back better.

It can be hurting especially but u will laff last.

I agree totally with the bold.

@poster, when you do something and you feel your not happy doing it, pls dont do it.
u give off a vibe that you feel bad supporting financially.

Helping someone financially does not guarantee you marriage, rather it should be out of your goodwill
If you keep spending and the guys doesn't make any effort to pay some bills, then something is wrong with him.

Even as a student, when i go out with my gf, i take care of  the bills (my chic earns over 20k/yr). The only time i don't is when she insists on handling it.
I just finished my degree and shd be applying for my post study and my chic has been offering me all the cash i need for it (maybe probably cos she knows i wouldn't ask lol). but the point is that over the time we've been together she knows that if i collect any cash from her and give her a day to return it, i always return it before that day and at various times i had trusted her enough to place some large cash in her care.

you can never ever go wrong doing gud ok? Whatever gud u do to whoever will one day come back to you. Dont allow sadists and jealous peeps confuse you. If u are minded to help, continue by all reasonable means,even if u guys end up not getting married,u will one day be thankful you helped a brother in need. Goodluck.

girl u are messing up big time and i beg u to withdraw b4 u land urself in a big mess. Haba girl why must spend so much money on a guy who is not even ur husband it is suppose to be the other way round,they should spend on us and not us on them.

Besides, i have never dated any man before that had to rely on me so much and this is a new experience for me and i just wanted to seek people's opinion

From your posts, he doesn't rely on you. You mentioned yourself that he has never once asked you for money. You are the one who offered yourself to be relied on. He was surviving without you and he will continue to survive without you.

You have to use your best judgment and ask yourself, if he leaves you tomorrow, will you regret what you did for him? if the answer is yes, stop giving him money!!!
if the answer is no, go ahead good Samaritan

All the same, I think you need to sit him down and talk about spending. You say he always looks sleek and what not. is he living above his means? and you are supporting his expenses just because he is your boyfriend and you want to keep him looking handsome? ie keeping up with the joneses? If then, you are partially to blame.

Also, teach him how to cook sometime when you are free. You are not his wife (yet). unless you enjoy feeding him of course then keep doing what you're doing. lol

3. I once dated a guy and was so crazy about him. took some money outta ma savings to help him buy a car. He was jobless and I also gave him ma credit to hold unto incase and whenever he needs anything . . . guessed what? it was maxed out. Barely 3 months later we broke up. I can't take the car from him and can't get my money back and left with huge debts and gbese to pay up. I am not saying this will be your case but this is something I will NEVER do again (give a guy money). I am sorry but unless we are married, I definately ain't shedding no money for a guy. If you are broke I will support you in the best way however possible.

that's crazy.
My conscience will never let me do that to anybody. male or female.
what a loser he was.

chizee1:

girl u are messing up big time and i beg u to withdraw b4 u land urself in a big mess. Haba girl why must spend so much money on a guy who is not even your husband it is suppose to be the other way round,they should spend on us and not us on them.

WHy should a guy be the one spending on you? Cant you spend on yourself or are you not able to earn an income and spend it on yourself?

First of all I commend you for your kindness and cheerful heart. I would advice you never keep your account in red for any form of generosity especially if it is not a life and death situation plus you not married to this guy. Start thinking differently in terms of your motives for giving, Is it for husband or for generosity? Be careful and don't cloud your judgement with emotions.

For the guy, is he responsibly searching for a job or is he the type that feels the government owes him something or he can't do menial jobs. I am a fan of starting small. Its always a tough time for a guy and don't become a mum to him but ask questions and suggest to him. Does he have friends or other social networks like a church. It helps to know if this other support networks are there. It says a lot about the person.

Give what you can afford cheerfully and always pray over what you give to open doors for him and of course to bless you.

///

I see nothing wrong with you supporting him just because of the love you have for him.Be optimistic that the relationship will work out for good one day.

But let me ask NL if it was a guy doing this to a lady what will be your suggestion to the guy.
men are in trouble coming to the world as a slave to women.

I was with my girlfriend that I knew less than one month ago, she told me that she can't give any man her hard earn money,that she have brothers and sisters that are in need,i asked her that do u know that I am the first born of my family too and have a lot of things to take care, she said that is my business.
yesterday she just text me that she is not interested in the relationship because am not a giver.
I laughed because who is at loss after she had slept in house and I too in her house.I did not bother replying her text
The bottom line is that either man or woman can be a giver

@Poster

I still stand on my previous post, whether he acts all nice or not or has never asked you for money, Stop giving him money , if he had not met you he would have sorted out his visa issue one way or the other, you cannot keep someone and at the same time put yourself in a tight corner., especially when the person isn't your spouse.

Women be wise

listentome:

Thank you so much everyone for your replies.

I should point it out that my boyfriend works. . . .he is not lazy. . .  just that he does not get regular hours from the company he works for. His job is far from decent. Also, all the time he was studying, he could not work more than 20hours weekly.

I must also say here that my boyfriend is sleek, goodlooking, very humble and you will never imagine for a second imagine that he has little or nothing in his bank account. As a matter of fact, my female friends actually think that he actually takes me shopping on his tab to get some of the nice things in my wardrobe.

I am quite sure that he has little or nothing because a few times we have checked his bank balance together at the cash machine and online and he has little or nothing there. So i am quite sure that he is not lying about his cashless state.

He has never asked me for money. It took a lot of smart probing for him to relax and feel free to open up to me on his financial state. The two occasions i have learnt him money, i was the one that offered to help because i felt the man  i love cannot be in such difficulty while i sit and do nothing. If i had not loaned him the money to sort out his visa issue, he would be preparing to pack his bags to go back to  Nigeria by now. I actually scolded him for not telling me about the problem until very late.

That said, despite the fact that he didnt have much, he got me an expensive and classy gift for christmas that left me dazzled and very impressed. I know he must have really saved for it. However, this is the first and only time that he has gotten me any gift although we do go out to cinemas, pizzas a few times and he picks the tab and at other times i pay for part or the entire bill.

I just felt rather sad yesterday when i saw my account balance in red but i get paid tomorrow and i am back in the green again. Besides, i have never dated any man before that had to rely on me so much and this is a new experience for me and i just wanted to seek people's opinion to what i am doing is okay or wrong or if i should adopt a different approach.

Just like someone said before, thanx for makin some posters fool of themselves (thinkin it's wrong to help somone you love when both of you are not yet married)!

I understand your fustration with @aktunde, but, somehow, I also understood why he sounded that way b'cos, had it been your first post was as clear as the later, some posters wouldn't have made the ill comments they made about your bf (maybe some would, out of feminist, and some also out of ignorance).

To ease your troubled tension, sista, my gf is in your shoes and I believe she spends on me far more than you do to your bf. When we first met, I was stil on cheddar and bouncin hard. But, as time goes by, my biz quaked, and I was nomore financialy fit. Even before I had financial probs, she was far, when I said far, Im not just sayin FAR, but, FAAAR more richer than me, but I don't count on her to do the billins whenever we go out for shopin or, eatry, I take care of the bills. But, all those while that I was broke, she does the billins. But thank God Im back on track now (but not like before, but atleast, right now, I can handle whatever situation that comes to me), and she was stil the same person that assisted me. But, can you believe that she never allows me to pay, or contribute to the house rent (of $300 monthly, minus light, water and other home appliances fee)? And she has been doin all that goin to 2yrs now. She said she's addicted in doin that for a longtime now, and she's cool with it. And that all she wants me to do is focus on my biz seriously, and make sure I don't have financial probs anymore. Meanwhile, with my financial state now, Im capable of payin 6months rent 'even' without touchin my bank account (mind you, we'r stil not married, and we don't even know what eachothers parents look like). God knows how much I love her, and the future plans I have for her. And now the question is, how in my right senses will I leave such a generous, kind & tender hearted, lovin and carin gal that has been there for me thru my rough times, and marry another gal? What does she possess that my gf does not? Or, has she 3 holes beneath? Might be the same taught he has in his mind for you, that was why I said Seyibrown's advice is the best!

delimit:

I see nothing wrong with you supporting him just because of the love you have for him.Be optimistic that the relationship will work out for good one day.

But let me ask NL if it was a guy doing this to a lady what will be your suggestion to the guy.
men are in trouble coming to the world as a slave to women.

I was with my girlfriend that I knew less than one month ago, she told me that she can't give any man her hard earn money,that she have brothers and sisters that are in need,i asked her that do u know that I am the first born of my family too and have a lot of things to take care, she said that is my business.
yesterday she just text me that she is not interested in the relationship because am not a giver.
I laughed because who is at loss after she had slept in house and I too in her house.I did not bother replying her text

. . .Funny that!

jennykadry:

Women be wise

Ya, exactly!. . .And men, BE THE FOOLS !!!

Ranoscky:

Ya, exactly!. . .And men, BE THE FOOLS !!!

IF they choose to be, then so be it.

jennykadry:

IF they choose to be, then so be it.

But someone has choose to be generous, and she's being criticized for it, why?

Why must women be wise when it's surpose to be 50/50?

How many wives in Nigeria today are down with the 50/50 thingy?

And how many of you men have criticized feminists? you only support some actions if it favours you, that's when alot of you remember your usual "It's a man's world"

And yes it is a man's world, I can only support a wife helping her husband out when his finances are down but will never support a Gf doing that for her BF, especially when desperation sets in.

Even as a woman God forbids my hubby goes down financially(I reject it in jesus name) but in such a case instead of me giving him fish to eat all the time, I'd rather set him up in some form of business as it gives a woman security when some sort of income is coming in from the man's pocket.

Poverty have made men forget their roles and responsibilities, A friend of my cousin who got married in Nigeria in December ended up buying if not more than half of what was used for the wedding/trad marriage, like seriously what are you men doing? you lot are beginning to change the hands of time, our fathers paid for everything they used in marrying our mothers,my hubby paid for almost everything we used for the wedding and trad marriage, my dad had to tell him off at some point when he refused to allow my dad do sthg ,all the cartons of drink, malt ooo, gulder, star,bags of rice ooo et.al came from his pocket, no shaking , who proposed to who? desperation makes alot of women forget their brains in a man's Dicckk.

Until a woman gets married and moves into the house, she is not obliged to pay the  bills for any man, it is not a necessity in times of difficulty.

Ranoscky:

But someone has choose to be generous, and she's being criticized for it, why?

Why must women be wise when it's surpose to be 50/50?

How many wives in Nigeria today are down with the 50/50 thingy?

No she hasn't cos if she has then surely she won't be raising her concerns.
It's OK to help but not when you aren't comfortable with it.

jay bee:

No she hasn't cos if she has then surely she won't be rasing her concerns.
It's OK to help but not when you aren't comfortable with it.

True talk broda!

jennykadry:

And how many of you men have criticized feminists? you only support some actions if it favours you, that's when alot of you remember your usual "It's a man's world"

And yes it is a man's world, I can only support a wife helping her husband out when his finances are down but will never support a Gf doing that for her BF, especially when desperation sets in.

Even as a woman God forbids my hubby goes down financially(I reject it in jesus name) but in such a case instead of me giving him fish to eat all the time, I'd rather set him up in some form of business as it gives a woman security when some sort of income is coming in from the man's pocket.

Poverty have made men forget their roles and responsibilities, A friend of my cousin who got married in Nigeria in December ended up buying if not more than half of what was used for the wedding/trad marriage, like seriously what are you men doing? you lot are beginning to change the hands of time, our fathers paid for everything they used in marrying our mothers,my hubby paid for almost everything we used for the wedding and trad marriage, my dad had to tell him off at some point when he refused to allow my dad do sthg ,all the cartons of drink, malt ooo, gulder, star,bags of rice ooo et.al came from his pocket, no shaking , who proposed to who? desperation makes alot of women forget their brains in a man's Dicckk.

Until a woman gets married and moves into the house, she is not obliged to pay the  bills for any man, it is not a necessity in times of difficulty.

A friend of your cousin ended up buyin, lets say EVERYTHING that the weddin needs to be held, and you'r here screamin. One out of how many (if at all)?

And I ask again, how many wives in Nigeria today are down with th 50/50 thingy?

HOOPS MY GOSH!!!!.
MOST WOMEN ARE NATURALLY SELFISH. GOD HELP US OOOOOOO

Ranoscky:

And I ask again, how many wives in Nigeria today are down with th 50/50 thingy?

How many men wants feminists as wives?

geosegun:

HOOPS MY GOSH!!!!.
MOST WOMEN ARE NATURALLY SELFISH. GOD HELP US OOOOOOO

Exactly my broda, very bad!

jennykadry:

How many men wants feminists as wives?

What have I to do with the above question?

Ranoscky:

And I ask again, how many wives in Nigeria today are down with th 50/50 thingy?

What have your question got to do with me?

OP: it seems you're Just making up excuses for this young man. If all You wanna do is to tell us how He brought you an expensive gift and how he isn't lazy then I wonder why you're telling us to begin with. Keep up with things now and always remember that you end how you start. If you're paying the bills now then YOU'LL always be the one paying it later in marriage. Women like to complain but they're the ones who make their beds. Keep at it though. How so caring of you.

The fact that he is not asking you for the help in the first place, shows he has conscience, ego and no plans to depend on you.
try to be more naturally generous as you say, so u will not feel bad helping and get the reward from God. Make sure he loves and later marries you because of love too,  very important else u won't be happy in marriage.  be patient he will pay u the loan, be wise about the help going forward since  your not too comfortable or used to it, so that it won't ruin the relationship.  
          Buying u the gift shows he appreciates u and not an ingrate too. But find out if his heart is with u, and not with a gentle sister down here. i see the guy to be the neat and clean type, not too ambitious (if not won't consider coming back to naija), question is,  outside cash, is he the type of guy u really want as a husband? is he ready for marriage cos i can feel u are over ready urself? take it one step after another and don't be pushfull on him cos it will backfire. all the best

@ poster
there is no problem here at all.
you are just a GOOD woman(lady) who is lucky to have a LOVING man(guy).
LOVE is first sacrificial, it is not selfish, and is caring.
all these you have shown. so just be yourself and guard jealously what you have now,
else some NASTY babe will aim at snatching him from you.

As fo me u should just keep calm not until the visa comes out and he refuse to return your money.

@ poster
there is no problem here at all.
you are just a GOOD woman(lady) who is lucky to have a LOVING man(guy).
LOVE is first sacrificial, it is not selfish, and is caring.
all these you have shown. so just be yourself and guard jealously what you have now,
else some NASTY babe will aim at snatching him from you.

As for me u should just keep calm not until the visa comes out and he refuse to return your money.

if the relationship is more than 2yrs, then u may need to as a mata of being decisive and subtle, pretend you are broke,
his reaction(s) will enable you take a decision wether to stay or leave.
keep ur head cool too,dont nag at him,be at your best for him, but gv him the impression u are broke,so he wouldn't fault u cos of ur attitude 2wards him.
pray to the good Lord too,cos there are so many ways to arrive at the market.
God bless you!

You can't blame folks for what they posted or their replies.

Most pple acted and replied based on the poster's initial post and she comes back now on a second post to polish her bf to bits . . . that he is good looking and not lazy and working but just not getting enuff hours. She might has well done that in the intial post and some replies would not have been so harsh.

all the same, wish u luck in your relationship . , @ Poster.

jennykadry:

What have your question got to do with me?

Question!

@poster, U should be nice and generous to him. But i'd rather u go this length with your husband than a boyfriend. When exactly is he going to be the man? Just my thoughts anyway.

http://naturekay..com

I agree that friends should be there for each other in good times and rough times whether married or not, there's no condition that is permanent in Life. There are times even the strongest, richest, most capable and harworking of all men runs short of money and can do wt such help from his partner. Out there and far out from home, we should be one another's keeper.

You are not doing wrong in supporting him and it is wise as some ladies have already mentioned to help the man get a source of income like help him get a job, talk to work places on his behalf, help him with business initiative, encourage him and even support him financially and other wise just to see him be able to stand on his feet and be able to handle his financial affairs. A mature man that can't handle his financial scenes (ie is unable to use resources around him, work hard and even manage the little or much he makes) isn't attractive to women at all. It's a thing of joy that nowadays women go out there and make great lives for themselves without waiting for men to grow moneybags and come and affect their lives positively. In a situation like this a woman should render support if she can afford to do that until the man gets back up but if it is the type of man that wants to stay down, makes no effort to up and better his life or take good advise and the support to help him get on his feet then a woman should not let herself be dragged down that road. A man that comes into a woman's life should help her be a better person not add sorrows and unhappiness and stunt her growth.

Poster your boyfriend doesn't seem like a lazy man though, be patient while supporting him but don't put yourself in financial difficulties to do that too because home is far and you are a lady and should avoid putting yourself in such vulnerable position as putting your account in red. You sound unhappy for doing that already and I think you should let him know how you feel before it trickles down and affects your relationship. If he is as nice as you made him sound he won't want to see you be unhappy and in difficulty all because you have the good heart to help, discussing it may also ginger him on towards striving harder at things to honestly make a few pennies here or there and not rest on his oars. I don't see why some posters should be like "you mustn't give him a cent". If you didn't help him he may not be succeeding with that Visa now and would have been sent out of the country, should we watch our brothers and sisters suffer out there in the diaspora when we can rally round them and support them just because of the thinking that a man should have his bag full of money all the time.

I don't also see how the simple act of this poster asking us our opinion on her situation and that of her BF has made her desperate. Why is it that each time an unmarried lady comes close to sharing her heart with us all here in NL, some people (and surprisingly the married ladies that should feel for their fellow women) will start shouting "desperation right in her face with no atom of respect. Please can I use this medium to ask the Nigerian society why some members of the society have no respect for unmarried ladies? It is such disrespects that make some women marry any kind of man to get respected. Some unmarried ladies actually have suitors around them that they can marry if they are desperate in the first place but are simply  being careful so as not to get into marriage and be unhappy and when such ladies come here to share their unhappiness and get advice, let's learn to give them understanding and respect and quit these shouts of "blue desperation".