Read this article and thought it nice to share it with u guys.
What are your views?


Golden rules for finding your life partner by Dov Heller, M.A.
A relationships' coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the
prospects of long-term marital success.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no
one
wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50
percent,
it appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to
finding Mr./Ms.Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why
they're
getting married,they' ll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should
never be
based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a
profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients
are right, then the love will come. Let me say it again: You can't
build a
lifetime relationship on love alone. You need a lot more. Here are five
questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding and
keeping
a life partner.

QUESTION #1:
Do we share a common life purpose? Why is this so important? Let me put
it
this way: If you're married for 20 or 30 years, that's a long time to
live
with someone. What do you plan to Do with each other all that time?
Travel,
eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more
meaningful. You need
a common life purpose. Two things can happen in a marriage. You can
grow
together, or you can Grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are
growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want
out
of life bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.

QUESTION #2:
Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?
This question goes to the Core of the quality of your relationship.
Feeling
safe means you can communicate openly with this person. The basis of
having
good communication is trust - I.e. trust that I won't get "punished"
or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague of
mine
defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to
express
your thoughts and feelings. Be honest with yourself on this one. Make
sure
you feel emotionally safe with the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:
Is he/she a mensch?
A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you
test? Here are some suggestions:
A) Do they work on personal growth on a regular basis?
(B) Are they serious about improving themselves?( or do they keep on
telling you that they'll never change)
A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always
striving
to be good and do the right thing."
So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time?
(c)Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic person is not
someone whose top priority is character refinement. There are
essentially
two types of people in the world: People who are dedicated to personal
growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose
goal
in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing
the
right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.

QUESTION #4:
How does he/she treat other people? The one most important thing that
makes any relationship work is the Ability to give. By giving, we mean
the
ability to give another person pleasure.
Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they
wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed? To measure this, think
about
the following: How do they treat people whom they do not have to be
nice
to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver,etc.
How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and
appreciation? Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who
gossips cannot be someone who loves others.You can be sure that someone
who
treats others poorly, will eventually treat you poorly as well.

QUESTION #5:
Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're
married? Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the
intention of trying to"improve" them after they're married. As a
colleague
of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change after
marriage
, for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the way they
are
now, then you are
not ready to marry them. In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be
difficult and treacherous. The key is to try leading a little more with
your head and less with your heart. It pays to be as Objective as
possible
when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get
to
the key issues. Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake
up with a ring on your finger, you don't want to find yourself in
trouble
because you didn't do your homework. Another perspective. , There are
some
people in your life that need to be loved from a distance. It's amazing
what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize your
time
with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere
relationships.
Observe the relationships around you. Pay attention. Which ones lift
and
which ones lean? Which ones
encourage and which ones discourage? Which ones are on a path of growth
uphill and which ones
are going downhill? When you leave certain people do you feel better or
feel worse? Which ones always have drama or don't really understand,
know,
or appreciate you? The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of
mind, love and truth around you, the easier it will become for you to
decide who gets to sit in the front row and who should be moved to the
balcony of your life. An African proverb states, "Before you get
married,
keep both eyes
open, and after you marry, close one eye." Before you get involved and
make
a commitment to someone, don't let lust, desperation, immaturity,
ignorance
, pressure from others or a low self-esteem make you blind to warning
signs. Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change
someone or that what you see as faults aren't really that important.
Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws,
vulnerabilities, pet-peeves and differences will become more obvious.
If
you love your mate and
want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've got to learn how to
close
one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate
have
many different expectations, emotional needs, values, dreams,
weaknesses
and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have
decided to share a life together. Neither one of you are perfect, but
are
you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do
you
compliment and compromise with each other or do you compete, compare
and
control?
What do you bring to the relationship? Do you bring past
relationships,
past hurt, past mistrust, past pain? You can't take someone to the
altar to
alter them. You can't make someone love you or make someone stay. If
you
develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and "a life" you won't find
yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or
responsible
for your pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and
selfishness
are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting
relationship. Seeking status,sex, and security are the wrong reasons to
be
in a relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:
1. TRUST
2. COMMUNICATION
3. INTIMACY
4. A SENSE OF HUMOR
5. SHARING TASKS
6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN
7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a
note)
8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS
9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE
10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OFCOMMITMENT
If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as
resentment,
withdrawal, abuse, neglect,dishonesty and pain will replace the
passion.

nice one.

This is a quite a Good Sermon. Keep it up, Its really Educative.

You are so right if you dont have those things in a relationship then it will not work. I can say that by experience because me and my babys daddy didnt make it cause we were lacking a lot of those things that were listed.

cool

Glad y'all love this article,I was intrigued by it.The credit for such insight goes to Dov Heller.

Bolarge:

If you ask most couples who are engaged why
they're
getting married,they' ll say: "We're in love." I believe this is the #1
mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life partner should
never be
based on love. Though this may sound not politically correct, there's a
profound truth here. Love is not the basis for getting married.
Rather, love is the result of a good marriage. When the other
ingredients
are right, then the love will come.

Anyone of a contrary opinion?

Na wah o!

Nice article Bolarge, Really I was in awe after reading it,

But still, all that stuff you just wrote only happens in a very perfect world which we happen not to be living in,

I'm one of those folks who does not believe in love, so I wouldnt Include it in part of my rules,

Here are my golden rules to finding my life partner;
1. Compatibility, She should be someone who I gel with,
2. Tolerable , She would be someone I should be able to tolerate, cos they always have an attitude/behavior that would piss off
3. Brains, Educated, She should be able to reason with you on the same level at every point in time. That she can come up with brilliant ideas that differ from yours and make you see reason with her.
4. Humble, She must understand that I am the head of the house and respect that./ but that does not mean she should be all submissive and shit. If she sees me going wrong, she should be able to call me to order,
5. Strong, She should be able to control and run my home with an iron grip, meaning she should be a strong woman,

these are my golden rules, remember you will live with this person for your entire life,

Okay

@ Esss
You got my vote man.

As sweet and true as these golden rules sound, they are not exactly practical. i don't know many couples who are near as happy as my parents in marriage and yet their getting married was way outside the norm.

I love to read 'em rules but i live to make my own personal rules

Gosh, this is really good.
Keep it up.