hi yàll.am new here and would really love to get some advice from you.

ive been married for a couple of months now and i love my husband with all my heart.
he`s  a very loving and caring husband but my problem with him is his insecurity
i cannt go to visit friends without his permission and even when he permits me to go,he must take me there and bring me back home.  i must not have male friends and must not give my number to even male collegues except if its absolutely necessary.   i cannot attend events,parties or shows without him.   if my office is organising a party or just a get together, i cannot go because he will not be there and my male collegues will be. i cannot even have neighbourly chats with male neighbours cos he feels they all have designs on me and by being friendly, i will be encouraging them.
he has deleted my family friends numbers from my phone, just becos they are guys and might suddenly wake up and decide that they love me.  ive tried so hard to convince him that i will always be faithfull and true to him, all to no avail.
funny enough, i  trust him and don`t keep such tabs on him.

i really dnt know what else to say or do to convince him that i have no interest in any other man except him. which why i married HIM in the first place.

I checked your profile to see maybe your picture was there. I guess u're a pretty lady and he can't stand loosing u.
Why not sit him down and let him know u aint the type of person he's trying to make u look like? Let him realize that he's the only one u've got and u don't have time for any other man.
Let him know how commited u are to Him.

@nana
she already did all those things u're asking her to do.

@poster
ur husband loves u so dearly he protects u with so much jealousy, i wonder how that bcomes insecurity 2 u. I tell u what, some women out there are actually looking 4 what u're tired of.

NO
HE NO TRUST YOU.
maybe you've got HOT PANT

@ joey

i dint say i was tired of him trying to protect me. i know he cares about me and i appreciate that.
but he`s being excessively jealous and i wonder why, cos av never given him cause to doubt my love and faithfulness to him. the funny part is, he wasnt like that while we were still courting so why the sudden change now that we are married? it was easier for me to have cheated on him while i was still single(which i didnt), instead of now that i`ve married him, dnt you think?

@ osereka

i have never given him cause not to trust me cos ive never cheated on him and he knows it.

ive asked him so many times if there was something he discovered about me and he said no.
each time i bring it up, he tells me its the men he does not trust, that he trusts me.
morever, why go ahead and marry someone you do not trust ?

He's being insecured.
I think he still belongs to the group of men, who believe women are very vulnerable. such men it would take the grace of God to change their thinking. but i suggest you don't loose hope, keep doing the things you do, to make him feel more secured where men are concerned.

@ thonia

thanks. i will try my best cos i dnt have any choice.

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@sugarplum!
Now, i can't even understand who's suffering btw u two, the fear is that ur husband may soon develop a heart problem if he continues like this, cos from d first post i can see u're a working class and can't even avoid interacting with men. Every man is jealous of love but ther are limits, maybe u can still try to make him see reasons sha.

@ igbonla

my  immediate family all live in the north so there is no one close by.
my friends he does not let me visit cos he says am now a married woman and so should not be doing the visiting.
the few friends i can visit, he takes me there himself and brings me back home.
his family, i cannot confide in cos he has forbidden me from going there without his permission or in his absence.

@ joey82

that is my predicament. how do i make him see reasons?
my male collegues have nicknamed me "ice queen" cos am not friendly with them and they believe am putting on airs.

is he your police dog or ur husband?

my husband

He restricts you to even his family members, this is actually difficult and you require wisdom to tackle it so that your marriage will work, if you start complaining too much it might turn to bitterness. You have to be politely firm (if anything like that) plead with him, beg him, talk to him, assure him again, anything to make him see that you are not happy with the situation because you may soon be asked to stop working if this insecurity continues. Pray about it too.

Sugarplum

I like your name and u talk like one.

First of all,,  what was your husband's past like,  as in has he been hurt before or being cheated on. What kind of friends does he keep. What are their coconversations like? What are the marital status's of his friends? what are their views on cheaters and heartbreakers? What kind of girlfriends do you keep? How much of the convo btwn u and your girlfriends do u tell him about? Have any of your friends being unfaithful to their partners that he knows about?

ask yourself this questions before u approach him because personally I think this is either psychological of a result of immense peer pressure. For your sake I hope its not both. its not enough that he's insecure, its deeper than that.

You will have to tenderly recondition his mentality to understand that there are different kinds of women out there are you don't belong to the heartless ones. You also need to understand that this is a problem that is coming from within himself and he will have to acknowledge that he has a problem first (which u will need to help him get to) and decide to deal with (which he will need some help as well)

Does any of it help?

@ benit

thank you.

@easybaby

what condition?

@sugarplum
The only way 2 make him see reason is 2 be urself, interact freely and damn his jealousy, he'll soon learn to take u the way u are "life's too short 2 hold back", d earlier u start being firm, the better 4 d future. u ain't gonna be in that shell forever unless u're prepared to continue being d "ice queen".

.

@ NaJaHaJe

well, he hasnt been in too many relationships and they havent been that good either.
his first ex cheated on him and the last ex woke up one day and said she was no longer interested.
i dnt keep too much friends but some of them have questionable pasts though
he has both single and married friends and the married ones are responsible men.
he`s not the outgoing type so i doubt if its peer pressure.

thanks alot for your advice. it does help.

@ joey82

believe  me, the day i tried to call his bluff and insisted i wanted to visit a friend without him, it turned into a serious quarrel.i shall not forget that day in a hurry.

my dear sugarplum!, I will advice u shoulda continued calling his bluff, dosen't matter how he reacts, he'll accept it with time. That's just d only way whether u like it or not. Sometimes u've got to be 'strangely stubborn' 2 b able 2 effect change.

@poster:
he's seroiusly insecure, there's no doubt about it and it has nothing to do with you. It'seither he doesn't have enough confidence in himself and cannot believe his luck in marrying someone like you, or he he loves you in a negative way: possesively, obsessively. If he continues like that, in time the novelty will wear out and you guys will fall out real bad. Sorry but my question is this, is it after marriage that you realised that he's like this or you knew during courtship and you thought he was going to change? If you were still courting, I'd have said don't marry him but now, you just have to patiently weather it out. All the best!

i likes your name well

eeeeeeyah so am not the only one in dis situation,on my own art, we are not married but am fed up of not bieng freed.last saturday i went to a party without him and he siezed my phone till date saying he wants 2 c if av given anyone ma contacts.several times av tried to quit  but one way or the other i cnt letgo. he's insisting dat we get married next year but is dis how i will also be treated  please wot do u think i shud do??

@ junegirl

he was not like that before we got married

he changed the moment we got married

@ moladun

thank you.

Well then I think you have answered your problem. He neva dealt with his past relationships. He neva got over them that is why he is unloading it on you. You now have to help him come to terms with his problems and help him deal with it. I cant make any suggestions on how to do this because I dont know what kind personality he has and what kind of communication you have with him.

He is clearly afriad that you are going to go down the paths his exes took but you now have to reassure him and leave him to deal with it. You cannot mother him on this issue or he might become dangerously dependednt on you.

Does any of this help?

Let me be plain. I think you have a serious problem here.

You husband is not only insecure, but has the tendency to get psycho, if you know what I mean.
Like a poster said, "this is how abusive relationship starts". They take away all your support, bar you from interacting or talking to others and then, when they start dealing with you, you have no one and no where to turn to.
This sort of over possessiveness is not love, but seems more like  fear and abuse to me

The way:
1. Pray seriousy about it
2. Sit him down and talk politely but firmly to him. Make him understand that you are faithful but you need other human beings as well to live a full life. He can't cut you off from your friends, family, colleagues and neighbours and expect you to be a normal human being ( you may go nuts if you don't take action now)
3. Get your family and ery close friends involved now, while it is yet early days.
4. If he won't change, take your destiny in your hands. Marriage is for better for worse but no man has the right to put you in bondage because he married you. Marriage is not bondage. If he can't handle mariage with all the friends and families that come withit, he needs to look for another wife or go live alone

Sorry I may have been harsh on your husband, but lets get the truth out. You need to be free even in your marriage or else, worse things could happen to you. God forbid !

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