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A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting - Family (1) - Nairaland

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Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by ajirebi20: 2:57am On Sep 03, 2011
emmatok:

What conjectures are you talking about,

Does the father own the house= NO

Where in the story did you get the answer from?

the father to head of the new family= NO

Well, in the hierarchy of things, the father is ahead of the husband as far as the extended family is concerned. The Olori-ebi is always the head of the family. Who knows if the family is the Olori-ebi? Maybe, but no one knows?

Is the father responsible for that family =NO

I dont know. the OP did not tell us that. It may well be that the husband works for the father or got his job as a result of the father-in-law's connection. Who knows. That is most likely the case, if Yoruba movies are to be believed. But I dont deal with conjectures. You seem to be very good in that area. All these them say them say, I erm not that good at that.

So are saying the man can just walking into another family's house without informing them?


Yes, it happens a lot in Yorubaland. I have seen it happen in Lagos and in so many present day villages. There is nothing untoward about it.

Look in YORUBA land here, it is rare to see Father in-laws going  to their daughter house.



Not in the Yoruba land that I grew up in.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by dinachi(m): 3:19am On Sep 03, 2011
There should not be any conflict at all. Courtesy demands that your dad should have called your husband before coming. Anybody arguing otherwise is slow. Don't forget that your husband is the head of your house now, not your father. Do you go to any Organisation without informing the leader? It is simple, if your husband is okay with it that is his decision to make, but as far as your house is concerned the buck stops at his table not your father's
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by tpia5: 3:27am On Sep 03, 2011
. I actually told my husband, he said it was ok but at least my father should have called him too to inform him as his son in-law and the head of the house and a mark of respect. I called my dad and told him to please call my husband to inform him of his coming,



since your husband already said its ok , you didnt need to call your dad back and mention anything about your husband.

just for the future.

you can iron out the fine print after the visit, and find a roundabout way of telling him.

imo.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by tpia5: 3:28am On Sep 03, 2011
@ OP,

You made a serious blunder here.
All you had to do was tell your husband that your dad called and "said you should tell him that he is coming to visit you guys"
You can go as much as saying maybe network issues prevented him from reaching your husband or sumthing. What did you expect your father to say. We are talking about an African man here. We have Pride. This is a man who has his own home so his first reaction would be y do i have to specifically call your husband? If i tell you, isn't that the same thing as informing your husband?
At least he didn't just show up at your door. He respected you both by telling you. You have turned a small issue into a big one. You better find how to calm things down


true talk.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Outstrip(f): 3:58am On Sep 03, 2011
Honestly I don't think I could ever tell my dad that he should call his son in law first before he comes to our home. Even if it was an issue I would tell my dad that he should please try to involve my husband when he is coming so he does not get left out. What is the power struggle here for. It is ridiculous. Everybody must be king by force. I still meaintain that the husband had issues with the dad before. Maybe the dad was pushy in the past. Who knows. Because it is hard to believe that just 3 weeks after the wedding the husband would be acting so difficult. Typically both sides are still trying to impress their in laws. There are three sides to this story. The husbands side. The wife's side. The father's side.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Sissy3(f): 4:01am On Sep 03, 2011
jennykadry:

@Sissy's last reply

And how are you so sure that the father wouldn't demand same from his inlaws even when his wife had already told him about it ?

i dont know that. but it would be some what safe to assume that since he believes he shouldn't take permission from his daughters husband before coming , he would also apply the same logic in his own case

*i have reedited the first one, to express it better *
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 4:09am On Sep 03, 2011
@ajirebi

You have just gone round in circles without answering my questions and you call me dumb? You are the reason why the government is working so hard in looking for ways to deal with the imbeciles the society has brought our way.

Awon oloshi. Eeediotas
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by tunnytox(m): 4:28am On Sep 03, 2011
I think I understand where Ajirebi is coming from and pretty much agree with him except for the fact that he took it too far by saying the FIL owes the hubby no courtesy. I believe the OP's hubby is too egoistical while the OP herself lack ability to manage sensitive issue like this one.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 5:45am On Sep 03, 2011
Jenny I disagree with u on this oh. There re some African cultures I will always hold on to, respect for Parents, hospitality and discipline. Not all civilization is good development. He called and informed one half of d couple, I will never demand such of my mother in law and d day my husband treats my dad like dat I will know he has no respect for him. I am sure she is a totally dependant on dat man to allow such disrespect for her dad. His wife had informed him dats enuf, why would his father in law call and ask permission. I stayed with my sister once, when I need something I ask my sister she asks her husband on my behalf and that is how it should be. If she had treated his mom like dat all the men on this thread saying the dad should ve told the man will be calling for her head
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 6:28am On Sep 03, 2011
^^ No one is saying parents shouldn't be respected. Infact whenever I am greeting my parents ,I still bend my head slightly forward and shake their hands with both of my hands and not one.

Where I diasgreed with you was where you said who should respect who. Anybody that has earned respect should be respected not minding their age. I bet you, your own father respects your husband and your hubby viceversa. Are you trying to tell me that your father treats your husband like shiit because he is the eldest amongst them and is the only one that deserves to be respected? Even you, don't your parents respect you? When Ever I wanted something from my dad ,I'd always go through (shockingly)my strict mum. Your case with your sis is quite different from this one.

I am the last child of 6kids, my father respects me but I respect him more, when I was getting married my dad gave my hubby a tough time cos he thought I was too young to be married then, my mum did not really mind but my dad? Gosh my man smelt his nyash the first few years after the wedding especially the first yr, my dad had eyes on him like peacock.  That same father of mine that was being difficult has learnt to respect and pat him on his back for a job well done. Infact their closeness is sometimes annoying as he gets the attention from my dad more than me. Seriously it is annoying.

What am I saying? even parents still respect their kids.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 6:40am On Sep 03, 2011
Jenny the father did not treat him like poo if anything it was d dad that was treated like poo. Respect is earned I know that better than anyone but you still have to respect pple older dan you especially your in laws. The point is dat the father called his daughter informing her husband is enuf what's all d rubbish about having to call d man as a sign of respect. If I did this to my mother in law its my own family that will call me to order. I stand by my veiw that the husband is rude and childish, Jenny be honest pls if she did d same to his mom, this topic would have been " I am throwing my new wife out for being rude to my mother". I respect and love my Dad more than any person in the world, he gave me life, he raised me right he loved and cared for me when no one will. He was der for me when I was rejected and no one will disrespect him on my watch
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 6:54am On Sep 03, 2011
^^ I am speaking in general terms. You made it look like the people older than us are the only ones that derserves to be respected. I don't care who respects who should respect who, all I am saying is everyone deserves to be respected. Not only ''seniors'' or ''who is whose mate''
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Ranoscky(m): 7:05am On Sep 03, 2011
Hmmm. . . .Brb.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 7:18am On Sep 03, 2011
Well Jenny, different strokes for different folks. I respect people older dan me until they prove that they don't deserve dat respect. If I see an elder person I greet d person first not caring if he or she has earned my respect. My mother in law didn't have to earn my respect I respected and loved her from day one. Respect has a lot to do with age for me, I respect older pple until they act foolishly. I disagree with u oh. So if you see an elder you will wait till he or she earns ur respect abi?
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by GrownMan(m): 7:36am On Sep 03, 2011
@ ne4real

You did the right thing in my opinion. Just to keep things smooth, your Dad should have called your husband there is no biggie in it. My Father In-Law calls my wife first on all issues as they are close, but my wife then advises him to call me just as a sign of respect and I love my wife for that. Its now a norm in my home that once my In-Laws (and my wife) do there planning, they finally say what they have planned with my wife to me and I never have issues with it once I am in the loop of things.

All in all, my wife and I are the team here and everybody is a third party something we agreed a long time ago.

Good Luck in smoothing things out
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 8:08am On Sep 03, 2011
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Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 8:35am On Sep 03, 2011
@Debrief

Please stop twisting my words and you are also going round in circles, I don't even understand you. You keep talking about you respecting this person or that person and I ask you again, do these people respect you at all? Or they treat you like poo and expect you to be the only one dishing out respect? Does your father respect your husband? Please answer my questions if you don't mind and stop beating around the bush.

Even the BIBLE asked parents to respect their kids as well as kids respecting their parents. I don't know where you got that your ''only senior naim deserve respect'' logic
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by adanny01(m): 8:59am On Sep 03, 2011
In the first place the father inlaw shud not be thinking of staying at his daughther and her hubby's if he desires to be respected. He shud hv asked the daughter for a hotel accomodation if he cannot afford it. Thats what my folks or inlaws would do. Mothers can visit and stay not fathers. I cant sleep under the same roof with my father inlaw.
I have begged my wife to beg her parents to atleast come and see our house since we got married months ago. They have not showed up even though they come to town every week saying there has to be a special event or reason for them to be there. My da will stay at the gate call me to come and meet him there but will nt come in. My wife will go out to greet him or if he is with my ma she comes in for a min while he is in the car honking da horn.
A father inlaw commands respect, he should not be found in his son inlaw's house where some respect is reserved for his son inlaw. This father inlaw got what he deserve though his daughter did wrong in asking him to seek permission from the son inlaw.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Exponental(m): 9:23am On Sep 03, 2011
Wat is he looking for?
Father-in-laws shld nt dare visiting n spending nites (under normal circumstances). Only if he has lost his own respect as d head of his family.
All visitatns shld be made known 2 d hosts prior 2 d visit or else. Cant imagine a family who went on vacation, n d visitor came in after dy left. OYO!
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 9:23am On Sep 03, 2011
Many of the responses here show that there are too many kids around. . .and perhaps indicates why marriages are no longer as stable as was the case in times past.

@ Topic
If the man is the head of the home, HIS own home, then courtesy demands that he must know who's visiting. And in this case the OP's dad needed to at least inform him. I don't think he necessarily had to call his daughter's husband first to 'officially' inform him. The more typical and ideal thing would have been to call the daughter, and ask to speak with her husband. After exchanging pleasantries he would have then told him that he'll come visiting. Very simple. I think the dad's reaction that he "doesn'r need anyone's permission to come to his own daughter's house" is ridiculous to say the least. His dear daughter is now married to someone else, and her loyalties and entire life now effectively belong to her *better* half - who also happens to be the head of the house that the dad arrogantly (but erroneously) chooses to call "my daughter's house". Or @ OP is it really your house - as in you built/rented/own it? Maybe that's what informed that arrogant statement by your dad. But if it's really the husband's house then I find your dad's statement quite bemusing.

Without meaning to sound chauvinistic (we live in a real world), it would have been different if it were the husband's father that was visiting; in that case he would have simply told his son - who would then pass on the message to his wife.

Of course some men may choose not to make a mountain out of the issue, but that doesn't mean that the OP's husband is not justified in suggesing that courtesy demands XYZ; he totally is.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by blank(f): 9:28am On Sep 03, 2011
I am with JK on this one. My dad always calls my husband first b4 he calls me when it has anything 2 do with us as a family unit. There are days that he informs my husband of his general plans n I get to hear from my husband and not my dad. I feel it fosters good relationship btwn the 2 men.
My husband doesn't really mind but my dad views it as total transparency n respect. My dad wanted 2 give me a wedding gift and he called my husband n told him b4 he mentioned it to me.
Anyone that wants to come to my house has to inform my husband first whether my mum or his mum.
That being said, the poster did not handle it well. As she had already told her dad 2 come, she should av left that part till another incident. How does she think her dad would av felt?
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 9:44am On Sep 03, 2011
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Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Andrew3(m): 9:49am On Sep 03, 2011
She said she is newly married, the family needs time to understand their son inlaw.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 10:23am On Sep 03, 2011
chaircover:

There are different levels of respect. Demanded respect and earned respect.

Personaly If I was a father, In my book a son in law will have earned the utmost level of genuine respect from me if he loves and takes very good care of my daughter and she is happy.



My point exactly. We Africans believe in respect so I am not afraid to respect anybody even my work colleagues. We go by first name in this part of the world but no matter how hard I try to get used to it , I just can't. I come from a country where "Aunty" and "Uncle" is used when addressing the elderly ones and sometimes sef we call them" Daddy and mummy". But one cannot just demand respect from me because you are way older than me. People earn respect in different ways even on first time basis, body language and/or gestures for instance is enough to earn my respect. I was opportuned to shake hands with one 16 and a bit year old boy when I visited one school. This boy did not just shake my hand, he shook my hand with his two hands together. I thought it was only we Africans that shake hands like that especially when shaking the hands of someone way older than you, never knew an Aussie would do that, at that very minute , this little dude earned my respect instanta. Earning respect does not have to do with verbal approach, there are various ways of doing that.

For example :How do I respect a nasty mother in law who swore to make life a living hell for me, or a racist 57 yr old colleague who thinks he can talk to me anyhow? . Infact I embarassed one colleague of mine, who is decades older than me. You don't expect me to respect you when you talk to me like an eediot? .

My husband earned my dad's respect , a year after marriage.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by spyder880(m): 10:26am On Sep 03, 2011
How much bride price did your husband pay to your dad? If its high then the hubby is still hurting from the excessive price tag!
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 10:36am On Sep 03, 2011
blank:

I am with JK on this one. My dad always calls my husband first b4 he calls me when it has anything 2 do with us as a family unit. There are days that he informs my husband of his general plans n I get to hear from my husband and not my dad. I feel it fosters good relationship btwn the 2 men.
My husband doesn't really mind but my dad views it as total transparency n respect. My dad wanted 2 give me a wedding gift and he called my husband n told him b4 he mentioned it to me.
Anyone that wants to come to my house has to inform my husband first whether my mum or his mum.
That being said, the poster did not handle it well. As she had already told her dad 2 come, she should av left that part till another incident. How does she think her dad would av felt?

I tell you, My dad and hubby are very close. When My dad is coming from Naija, he brings my hubby nice gifts and raps mine in a little bag angry. And when hubby is travelling to Naija he does the same thing. So many things my dad has done that I had no idea about at the beginning until hubby mentioned it.

With this their closeness, my dad cannot decide to visit us both in Naija or here without ringing his son inlaw first.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by Nobody: 10:45am On Sep 03, 2011
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Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by emmatok(m): 10:49am On Sep 03, 2011
ajirebi20:

Where in the story did you get the answer from?

Well, in the hierarchy of things, the father is ahead of the husband as far as the extended family is concerned. The Olori-ebi is always the head of the family. Who knows if the family is the Olori-ebi? Maybe, but no one knows?

I dont know. the OP did not tell us that. It may well be that the husband works for the father or got his job as a result of the father-in-law's connection. Who knows. That is most likely the case, if Yoruba movies are to be believed. But I dont deal with conjectures. You seem to be very good in that area. All these them say them say, I erm not that good at that.


Yes, it happens a lot in Yorubaland. I have seen it happen in Lagos and in so many present day villages. There is nothing untoward about it.

Not in the Yoruba land that I grew up in.

Lol, what  Olori-Ebi are you talking about, maybe you forgot that the OP's Hubby too comes from a family.

Tell me, should his father in-law be superior to the husband's father?

Weather the father in-law is feed, clothing and housing the couple is not a reason to look down on his son in-law.

If the son in-law says no to the visit, what can the father in-law do.

In Yoruba land, any father in-law that visits his son in-law without an important reason(naming, death e.t.c) do not demand respect.

Most father in-law would rather call, or send their wife or children to check on their daughter's well being.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by MMM2(m): 10:55am On Sep 03, 2011
am single angry
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by claremont(m): 11:03am On Sep 03, 2011
I don't see any reason why the wife cannot relay the news herself to her husband, after all, they are both joined as one. The bottom line is that the father has informed his daughter that he is coming to visit her, the onus now lies on the daughter to inform her husband. Why must the father personally inform his son-in-law about the visit?!

One of the unspoken rules of our African culture basically states that when a man gives his daughter/son out in marriage, he automatically becomes a father to both parties in the marriage. Why should a father now have to inform both his son and daughter that he is coming for a visit?! So long as he has respectfully informed one of the parties, then that should be enough in my opinion!
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by kokogee: 11:05am On Sep 03, 2011
OP, ur decision to ask ur dad to inform ur husband is the best. Despite the fact that ur husband said OK(which might even be said just for its sake), that singular act of urs would make ur husband to rely on u with the believe that everything u'r doing is in his interest. You may not know the impact now, but I can tell u that ur marriage would last long if u don't change ur ways such that the type of other ladies that did not support ur action would start asking u "what is the secrete?"  

@ jennykadry and omotofine
U'r the part of the scarce good wives; I congratulate ur husbands and u too bcs I can imagine how smooth ur home would be running.

To others that believe that as a woman, they can take any decision without their husbands consents, I now know why marriages don't last anymore. The husband may be enduring it for some time after which he causes commotion bcs of wife's failure to accord him the necessary recognition and respect in taking decisions and running the home.
Re: A Family Member Informing Your Spouse Before Visiting by kokogee: 11:22am On Sep 03, 2011
~Sissy~:

i dont know that. but it would be some what safe to assume that since he believes he shouldn't take permission from his daughters husband before coming , he would also apply the same logic in his own case

*i have reedited the first one, to express it better *

Don't assume anything here. Most of these ppl that get annoyed with little things do worse when it comes to them. The problem with the man is 'ego'. He believes that afterall the guy is far younger so he can do as he likes

.
jennykadry:

I tell you, My dad and hubby are very close. When My dad is coming from Naija, he brings my hubby nice gifts and raps mine in a little bag angry. And when hubby is travelling to Naija he does the same thing. So many things my dad has done that I had no idea about at the beginning until hubby mentioned it.

With this their closeness, my dad cannot decide to visit us both in Naija or here without ringing his son inlaw first.

It's bcs ur dad is a reasonable man that believes in simple courtesy that helps strengthen cordial relationship among ppl irrespective of age difference.

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