Good day guys. I am newly married. Few weeks after our wedding, my father called me to say he was coming to spend few days after in our house after which he will proceed on his trip. I actually told my husband, he said it was ok but at least my father should have called him too to inform him as his son in-law and the head of the house and a mark of respect. I called my dad and told him to please call my husband to inform him of his coming, but didnt mention to him my husbands comment. My father got upset and didnt visit again saying why should he take permission from my husband before coming to his daughters house. To me i dont see it as taking permission. Please i need u guys to tell me if i was wrong and if its improper for any member of my family to atleast let my husband know of their visit at least as a mark of respect to him. Thanks.

Whenever my parents want to visit us, they always informed my hubby before coming.

Your Father should have informed his son inlaw.

ne4real:

Good day guys. I am newly married. Few weeks after our wedding, my father called me to say he was coming to spend few days after in our house after which he will proceed on his trip. I actually told my husband, he said it was ok but at least my father should have called him too to inform him as his son in-law and the head of the house and a mark of respect. I called my dad and told him to please call my husband to inform him of his coming, but didnt mention to him my husbands comment. My father got upset and didnt visit again saying why should he take permission from my husband before coming to his daughters house. To me i dont see it as taking permission. Please i need u guys to tell me if i was wrong and if its improper for any member of my family to atleast let my husband know of their visit at least as a mark of respect to him. Thanks.

It appears the father would like to visit the daughter anytime he pleases regardless of whether it is OK for her family. Some fathers can be funny.

What is wrong in him telling his daughter and she telling her husband? Now a relationship with in laws have been potentially ruined. Before you went and asked your dad you should have asked your husband outright if he was suggesting that you ask your dad to call him instead. I doubt that he would have said yes. It seems to me that both men might have had issues before now with each other. It could also be an issue of different backgrounds. My mother was the one that always knew who was coming. My dad just came home and met whomever he met. Whether from his side or her side. Really did not matter. If you even caled my dad to say anything he would most likely say call my wife

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What is all this Bureaucracy about? I don't c any reason why ppl complicate matters. Anyone who wants to visit my house can tell either my husband or me, it dosnt matter. If it were my father its me he should tell cos obviously we r closer.

@op. I think u shld hav just left it as it was. When ur husband said ur dad shld hav called him u shouldn't hav told ur dad to ask ur husband cos its rude. He is an elderly person. If its one of ur siblings its quite different.think ut hubbys ego is d issue, he is head of d homee and everyone knows that. Maybe ur hubby has moneyy and ur crib is nice. If ur dad was adenuga wld he want him to ask for permission. Abeg,

@ chaircover
I hope your husband doesnt start complaining too if one day you ask the same courtsey from his own mother; after all its only fair that she asks you if it its convenient for her to visit you since you will be the one doing her cooking, making up the guest room and generally looking after her etc

True talk

ne4real:

@ chaircover
I hope your husband doesnt start complaining too if one day you ask the same courtsey from his own mother; after all its only fair that she asks you if it its convenient for her to visit you since you will be the one doing her cooking, making up the guest room and generally looking after her etc

True talk

I definitely see were you are coming from but different people have different backgrounds. Those reasons you gave is why it is my mom that would usually be asked. My dad is not evenn a very social person to begin with. Even his people would go through my mom. I think it was the poster that dropped the ball here. Unless maybe her husband was going to raise the roof if the old man did not personally ask him which I seriously doubt

I think your husband was very rude. I will never ask my mother in law to inform me after my husband has already told me that she is coming. Maybe its cultural differences I don't know but this kind of thing will earn u a family meeting where am from. Am sure d Dad feels more comfy asking his daughter than calling his son in law. This was very rude, if she did d same to his mom she would ve been out of the house now, I know this kind of people.

debrief08:

I think your husband was very rude. I will never ask my mother in law to inform me after my husband has already told me that she is coming. Maybe its cultural differences I don't know but this kind of thing will earn u a family meeting where am from. Am sure d Dad feels more comfy asking his daughter than calling his son in law. This was very rude, if she did d same to his mom she would ve been out of the house now, I know this kind of people.

He probably did not think it was a big deal when he asked his daughter. I kind of feel bad for the old man. The worst part is that the man was travelling somewhere else and was just stopping for a short visit. Na wa

What are they visiting for if he may ask?

The part that gets me is the part where he is talking about mark of respect from his father in law, who is supposed to respect who? Except the father in law is his mate I don't understand dat rudeness. He should ve asked his father in law to postrate when greeting him anytime he comes to his house. My husband is forgetful sometimes my in laws will tell him dey are coming he will forget to tell me I will just see pple in my house, do I fight? Do I send dem back? Hell no, I be a perfect host and make der stay as comfy as possible. I trust my Dad no in law will even tell him dat kind of thing, u are very lucky if he wants to come to ur house. Couples respect each others parents oh.

:d

@Poster, ur dad has done the right thing, u dont expect him to inform ur hubby first before u?? it would ve been a different topic here. If my inlaws are visiting, they must inform their son, then hubby will pass the msg to me.
If i dont welcome it, i will tell him no, but there is no reason to refused ur inlaws.
So, that ur hubby could ve prefared ur dad informing him too means both of u have different say in the house.
I so much agree with @Parisienne and @Chaircover. Needless telling ur dad to inform ur hubby, maybe ur hubby didnt meant it even, certain issue are handled with care or else?? See now ur dad has changed his mind, it was not suposed to be called for. U did wrong, thats hw i see it oo.

I really dont understand some people Isn't your hubby's house your house too? An elder should be given due respect whether he is your wife's father or your own father. Since you just got married, your father may not have been thinking too much before the call. 

Having said that you shouldn't have informed your dad what your husband said. Instead you could have put across the message subtly by just calling him up when hubby is around and could have casually asked your father to discuss his travel plans with your hubby too as he was anxiously looking forward to his in-laws visit.

Personally, I think your father should have informed your husband just as a mark of respect and I think it was quite childish (Apologies) of him not to visit again.
The relationship with in-laws is a very sensitive one and should be handled delicately.

i dont think your father did something bad by informing you first, it was your duty to relay the message, the same also in the case of his family coming too.  also, it was just for a short stay. your husband is even talking sef that he at least knew about the visit prior, 'cause some naija inlaws would have just shown up at your door unexpectedly. Egos has been hurt and the early an amendment is made, the better it will be for a marriage that is still in its 'newborn' stage

Spot on omotofine.

@Debrief
When it comes to respect, everyone should be partakers of it, age has got nothing to do with it. Everyone deserves respect especially when earned. The father inlaw should respect his son in law and vice versa. Respect is not only for the elderly.

We don't visit my parents without my hubby ringing my parents casually first before anything. When my dad wants my hubby to do something for him, he calls me up and asks if it's okay with me(that's if my hubby agrees to it) if my man did something For him, If I tell him no worries, he would still ring my hubby up and ask him if he could do him a favour? That one will always answer my dad with the same line '' Ah haba daddy,  you know you don't have to ring me just tell my wife, she will pass the message across, you know your daughter's got a degree in ''message delivery'' and when I tell my hubby that my dad's asked me earlier, all he does is smile and says ''the man after my own heart''. One will think my father would just ring him up without ringing me, because both of them are extremely close, infact they are times when I've heard my hubby talking on the fone and when I ask who he was talking to, he tells me it's my dad. I don't even get a chance to speak to him 99.9% of the time.

It's just courtsey and a sign of respect. People shouldn't just do things because they think they have a right to it.

@ OP: your father is acting childish. Your father should inform your husband before visiting your house because your husband is the head of the household. Shikenah. Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you. How would your father feel if your mother's father just visited your household without being informed?

Princek12:

@ OP: your father is acting childish. Your father should inform your husband before visiting your house because your husband is the head of the household. Shikenah. Do unto others as you would like others to do unto you. How would your father feel if your mother's father just visited your household without being informed?

maybe he doesn't care about being informed first/at all, as long as the wife knows as evidenced by his action and reaction in his daughters case

OP,

Your father should know better as a full-bred African man, that courtesy demands that he inform the head of the household when he is coming, which is your husband.

Is your husband answering your maiden name or is it you answering your husband's name?

debrief08:

I think your husband was very rude. I will never ask my mother in law to inform me after my husband has already told me that she is coming. Maybe its cultural differences I don't know but this kind of thing will earn u a family meeting where am from. Am sure d Dad feels more comfy asking his daughter than calling his son in law. This was very rude, if she did d same to his mom she would ve been out of the house now, I know this kind of people.

I see no reason for blaming the husband here.

The father in-law is going to another man's house, courtesy demands he tells the head of that house about his visit.

@OP you shouldn't be telling your father everything your husband says.

If you didn't tell your father about your hubby's comments this issue won't arise.

Wisdom is important.

@ OP,

You made a serious blunder here.
All you had to do was tell your husband that your dad called and "said you should tell him that he is coming to visit you guys"
You can go as much as saying maybe network issues prevented him from reaching your husband or sumthing. What did you expect your father to say. We are talking about an African man here. We have Pride. This is a man who has his own home so his first reaction would be y do i have to specifically call your husband? If i tell you, isn't that the same thing as informing your husband?
At least he didn't just show up at your door. He respected you both by telling you. You have turned a small issue into a big one. You better find how to calm things down

@sissy's last reply

And how are you so sure that the father wouldn't demand same from his inlaws even when his wife had already told him about it ?

Very unfortunate the state of our civilization. More pitiful is the mentality of the younger generation

This thread is a sombre reminder to us all that education isn't common-sense. And that in our eagerness to act all British-like and westernized, we have allowed western culture to subjugate our culture and we seem torn between wanting to be like the west versus maintaining our tradition. It may seem like the generations of today have all forgotten about our tradition and culture. But what I perceive is lack of conviction in the OP's inner-worth and a sense of inferiority to the husband. Maybe the Op is a housewife, lazy and utterly dependent on the husband?

It is more alarming because the same women would use every opportunity afforded them to rip African tradition as being suffocating to the wishes and aspirations of the modern women. they are always happy to be labeled independent woman. Some, enthusiastically wear the feminist toga. others proudly regale to us how they could get by without any man lording over them. Anyhow you look at it, they, most of these I-can-do-bad-by-myself, Nigerian woman are mostly western educated or have lived in the west for quite sometime. They repeat bumper stickers of 1960's events in the west that most westerners a la feminists are now trying to shy away from.

I long for the day when relatives could come to your house anytime, without informing you. One wonders how young couples of years ago did it, without phone and internet.

In this situation, the father has done absolutely nothing wrong. The OP is newly wedded and the father is still very unfamiliar with the son-in-law. It would have been awkward between the son-in-law and the father to have such conversation. It is akin to the father asking for help from the in-law. To the OP: your new husband may be your god. He may be your savior and he may have been the only one to ever get you to cloud nine. He is none of that to your father. Your father owes him no courtesy whatsoever. And so therefore he need not call him before spending a night or two at your place before embarking on his journey. What would you have done if he had simply showed up without calling either of you ahead? Are you guys Binobos, having s3x all the time in every open space in your building that he has to call ahead so you two would put on your good-kids emblem on before he arrives? Or are you guys so dirty and animal-like that you need time to clean up before he comes?

To be sure: respecting your son-in-law is the ideal thing to do, but demanding to be respected is  ungentlemanly and the height of disrespect to your father in-law who was never in the know when the husband started stalking you, f/i/n/g/e/r/i/n/g you  e.t.c If your husband did not respect your father then ( when he started chasing your big bum-/bum, I see nothing wrong with your father paying your husband back in the same coin. Respect cuts both ways.

And to your egotistical husband who thinks he should be worshiped like a mammy-water by his father-in-law, well, may his son-in-law do same to him.

Of course, this can go down real fast. What else would your husband perceive as disrespect? If you hit hard times and your father decided to give you some money, directly wired into your account, would your husband be mad that the money was not given to him directly? If you mother inquires about your happiness, knowing full well that from here onwards, a huge percentage of your happiness is dependent on the state of your marriage, would you direct your mother to ask your husband instead.

This is unfortunately the state of our educated, but unenlightened Nigerian women, gradually eroding the gains of the great feminist movement;desecrating the memories of their heroines past in the process. Hmm, I hope the great African woman that fought to be taken seriously would look at the younger generation, like the OP and many of her cheerleaders on this thread with pride. SMH, I doubt that though

^^ I very much disagree with you.

It was in some of our cultures a long long time ago to walk around Unclad, living in mud houses was also part of our culture, people walked long distances back in the day without cars, arrangee marriage was the in thing, infact my parents did not have to go for any blood test before they got married. Why are we doing things differently now? why are you not walking miles to get to your destination, or live in mud houses and even walk around Unclad?

Just a few days ago we saw little kids hawking moinmoin on the streets and some of us called it culture, which kain yeye culture will make a woman bring a million kids into this world  for the sole reason of helping her make some money from hawking on the streets?
You don't disrespect someone and then preach culture to that person. Westernized or not, it is called child abuse.

It is also part of our culture for women to be blamed for everything; from failed marriages to barreness(even though sometimes the men are responsible for it) to bringing forth all female kids without male and so on.

Thank good ness for the obodo oyibo divorce settlement that favours both gender, it was in our culture for the men to cheat on their wives, beat them up, marry another woman and chase the first one away and take custody of the kids(if they want) and to those that don't, nothing like child support or alimony, but now it is different, even  fashola is bringing out new rules, try it for hiaaa and see if you backside will not be kicked out of the house. With alimony and child support to pay for.

ajirebi20:

Very unfortunate the state of our civilization. More pitiful is the mentality of the younger generation

This thread is a sombre reminder to us all that education isn't common-sense. And that in our eagerness to act all British-like and westernized, we have allowed western culture to subjugate our culture and we seem torn between wanting to be like the west versus maintaining our tradition. It may seem like the generations of today have all forgotten about our tradition and culture. But what I perceive is lack of conviction in the OP's inner-worth and a sense of inferiority to the husband. Maybe the Op is a housewife, lazy and utterly dependent on the husband?

It is more alarming because the same women would use every opportunity afforded them to rip African tradition as being suffocating to the wishes and aspirations of the modern women. they are always happy to be labeled independent woman. Some, enthusiastically wear the feminist toga. others proudly regale to us how they could get by without any man lording over them. Anyhow you look at it, they, most of these I-can-do-bad-by-myself, Nigerian woman are mostly western educated or have lived in the west for quite sometime. They repeat bumper stickers of 1960's events in the west that most westerners a la feminists are now trying to shy away from.

I long for the day when relatives could come to your house anytime, without informing you. One wonders how young couples of years ago did it, without phone and internet.

In this situation, the father has done absolutely nothing wrong. The OP is newly wedded and the father is still very unfamiliar with the son-in-law. It would have been awkward between the son-in-law and the father to have such conversation. It is akin to the father asking for help from the in-law. To the OP: your new husband may be your god. He may be your savior and he may have been the only one to ever get you to cloud nine. He is none of that to your father. Your father owes him no courtesy whatsoever. And so therefore he need not call him before spending a night or two at your place before embarking on his journey. What would you have done if he had simply showed up without calling either of you ahead? Are you guys Binobos, Being Intimate all the time in ever open space in your building that he has to call ahead so you two would put on your good-kids emblem on before he arrives? Or are you guys so dirty and animal-like that you need time to clean up before he comes.

To be sure: respecting your son-in-law is the ideal thing to do, but demanding to be respected is  ungentlemanly and the height of disrespect to your father in-law who was never in the know when the husband started stalking you, f/i/n/g/e/r/i/n/g you  e.t.c If your husband did not respect your father then ( when he started chasing your big bum-/bum, I see nothing wrong with your father paying your husband back in the same coin. Respect cuts both ways.

And to your egotistical husband who thinks he should be worshiped like a mammy-water by his father-in-law, well, may his son-in-law do same to him.

Of course, this can go down real fast. What else would your husband perceive as disrespect? If you hit hard times and your father decided to give you some money, directly wired into your account, would your husband be mad that the money was not given to him directly? If you mother inquires about your happiness, knowing full well that from here onwards, a huge percentage of your happiness is dependent on the state of your marriage, would you direct your mother to ask your husband instead.

This is unfortunately the state of our educated, but unenlightened Nigerian women, gradually eroding the gains of the great feminist movement;desecrating the memories of their heroines past in the process. Hmm, I hope the great African woman that fought to be taken seriously would look at the younger generation, like the OP and many of her cheerleaders on this thread with pride. SMH, I doubt that though

So you wrote this long epistle just to insult the OP's hubby.

Look here,  in Africa every man demand his own respect no matter how small it is.

The house belongs to the hubby and not the father in-law.

Courtesy demands that the father in-law infroms the head of that house about his visit.

If the father in-law is too arrogant to do that, he can take his daughter  d back.

jennykadry:

^^ I very much disagree with you.

It was in some of our cultures a long long time ago to walk around Unclad,

Absolutely. people went though that phase in other cultures as well.

living in mud houses was also part of our culture,

No, living in mud houses was a humane thing. people live in places to shield themselves from the scorching sun, rain and bad weather. Mud houses were more common in Africa because they were cheap to erect and very easy to build. There is nothing African about it.

people walked long distances back in the day without cars,

Same in the west. Even in this age and time, it would be silly to own cars in NY. people walk to most places. And it is good for you. cars are a recent phenomenon. Trekking long distances isnt African, it is part of our history as a specie. Remember Jonni Walker, the journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. And yes, Jonnie Walker isnt African by any standard.

arrangee marriage was in thing,

That was when marriage was still a sacred institution and divorce rate were very very very low.

In-fact my parents did not have to go for any blood test before they got married.

Same in the west. What has science got to do with your point?  A lil retardedd? Or your BS low?

Why are we doing things differently now?

You mean we should not embrace Science? A universal phenomenon about Nature

why are you not walking miles to get to your destination, or live in mud houses and even walk around Unclad?

Well because riding to work and wearing clothes make our lives better.

You don't disrespect someone and then preach culture to that person.

Nothing disrespectful here from the father. The other points you raised have nothing to do with us being Africans. The issue at stake here has everything to do with our pride and our dignity as Africans. We are a very hospitable people. We welcome people into our houses even when they did not inform us before coming, and because we are mindful of that, we keep our places neat and well kept for that unexpected visitor.

Please try separating the abstract from the physical. Are people this dumb in this section?

emmatok:

So you wrote this long epistle just to insult the OP's hubby.

Look here,  in Africa every man demand his own respect no matter how small it is.

The house belongs to the hubby and not the father in-law.

Courtesy demands that the father in-law infroms the head of that house about his visit.

If the father in-law is too arrogant to do that, he can take his daughter  d back.

You dont know that. talk about what you know to be true, not what you think is true. I hate conjectures.

ajirebi20:

You dont know that. talk about what you know to be true, not what you think is true. I hate conjectures.

What conjectures are you talking about,

Does the father own the house= NO

Is the father the head of the new family= NO

Is the father responsible for that family =NO

So are you saying the man can just walking into another family's house without informing them?

Look in YORUBA land here, it is rare to see Father in-laws going  to their daughter house.