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| My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by sadhusband: 9:52pm On Sep 13, 2011 |
I'm confused and lonely because my wife won't share intimate information with me. The impression I had about married people, before getting married, was that married people share everything, including intimate information and fantasies. I am the type that wants to share every intimate information (and fantasies) with my wife, but she just does not want to listen to them. She simply shouts me down and picks a huge fight than do so. I simply think she is illiterate -not that she is not educated, but a reclusive "not interested in learning new ideas" type of a person. Unfortunately, I didn't know she is like this until very late into my marriage. Guess I didn't know her enough before proposing. But how hard is it for a woman to share intimate information with her husband? I want us to "hang" together and mingle in the same circle; but since I married her, she has basically locked me down in her own reclusive world. Her most favorite way of having fun is to sit inside the bedroom, turn the light all off and be watching naija movies non-stop.  I struggle double to retain friendships, even the type of friends that is beneficial to a family. If not for my efforts, we would be completely alone. She makes zero effort to retain friendships and relationships. I detest that. I am really at my wits end about what to do next. I don't want to start an affair; but I figure that my situation is exactly why people start affairs.  What concerns me most is that she is not growing as a woman (unless she is growing without my knowledge) which is very possible with secretive women. I want her to grow with me, with my knowledge, not in seclusion and "under the carpet" because anything can happen in such scenarios, and I wouldn't know. I fear because I once had a girlfriend who was a Scorpio like her and behaved exactly the same way. I found out later that she was having an intimate relationship with someone (stumbled upon a love letter she hid in a place she thought was safe). In the love letter, my ex-gf was begging a guy that she wanted to be his third girlfriend!  Same girl almost killed me anytime I raised intimate topics. Not saying my wife is like that, but her behavior makes me wonder.Please I need advise preferably from married folks about how to handle this situation. I'm bored and lonely.  |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by Nobody: 10:05pm On Sep 13, 2011 |
may i ask: - how did you guys have fun before marriage? - has she ever been FUN or any different than how she is now? - how can you expect this "stranger" to like the same things that you do and be as open minded as you in the bedroom? (yes so far she is a stranger to you) - have you ever sat down and had a "normal"conversation with this "stranger"? - how long has this been going on? sadly you can only be as straight forward as YOU can but you sure cant force her to open up to you, if she is not ready to do so. there seem to be some kind of misunderstanding between the two of you and, unless you COMMUNICATE and sort it out, nothing will ever change. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by r231(m): 10:51pm On Sep 13, 2011 |
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| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by MrsChima1(f): 10:53pm On Sep 13, 2011 |
That's what happens when people do not take the time to get to know the person and spend quality time with them. You can find a lot about a person by spending physical time with them. Too bad you having issues OP. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by sadhusband: 10:58pm On Sep 13, 2011 |
MRbrownJAY: Thank you for your response. I have to admit that there was no relationship (dating) before marriage. we married the old fashion way. yes we have conversations, but only about serious stuff like bills, finance and jobs -both of us are working btw. This has been going on since we got together as man and wife, but initially i didn't consider it a problem. i thought it was a temporary thing and that she will grow up and change. she hasn't changed after almost 3 years. We don't have any kids yet and may be she is not confident because of it. just my guess. i don't think that is the problem though. how can we even solve social issues if we are shutting everybody out? Makes no sense to me. i wonder how she will handle things if i'm unavailable for some reasons, which can happen. I only want her to grow up and be able to handle stuff in my absence. she is behaving like a reclusive 13 year old girl in a convent. i want a modern woman at home, not a village child. i believe that having a conversation is the key; but she won't discuss adult topics. if i don't discuss them with her, how can we bond? |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by sadhusband: 11:24pm On Sep 13, 2011 |
Mrs, Chima: By physical time, do you mean se-x? We have that but only the old fashion way, and about three or four times a month. My ex-gfs used to be free to talk about their se-x lives, even about their past ones. Too much cuddling up in the bedroom is boring, and how about outdoor lives? are they not important too? i feel like we are incompatible somehow, but i am desperate to make us compatible, after all we are married, and i believe that marriage is for ever. Am i the only one who believe that marriages should be for life? i have already changed the much i can to accommodate her style of life. If I change to be more like her, i risk the marriage still, because i'm sure she won't like it either. My main concern is that she just won't converse or make friends. she suspects everyone. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by Nobody: 12:04am On Sep 14, 2011 |
^bro i do feel your pain on this one as this is definitely not an easy issue. my first option will be to try to HAVE FUN TOGETHER in order to "possibly" bond as it's difficult to bond while home after work. take her on dates, cinema, outings, do the stuff that you should have been doing while dating. maybe it will have her see you in a different way. if she cant smile while doing stuff with you then you have a huge problem on your hands. my second option would be to write her a letter to explain what you have been going through.if she aint ready to listen to you maybe READING you will be easier for her?! without communication, there is not much you can do to solve this issue and, therefore, my last option would be to take drastic measures. it's been TOO LONG and you need to put your foot down as this issue isn't going to resolve itself. you guys dont seem to be happy together and, if that's the case then you should consider divorce or at least getting a concubine! this woman is NOT willing to share anything with you therefore my only solution would be to either drop her from the picture or bring someone that can fulfill the duties that wifey cannot fulfill. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by tpia5: 12:08am On Sep 14, 2011 |
obviously the naija movies are an escape for her, although granted, they're very addictive, like all things nigerian. try joining her to watch a few even if you cant stand them. what kind of movies do you like? |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by r231(m): 12:48am On Sep 14, 2011 |
both of you need counselling. . . . . . . . As the head of the house, you need to sit this woman down and talk to her let her know your expectation and obviously you have to compromise as well to meet her expectation as well maybe some of the things you wanted, she is not used to it so you have to teach her or let her know. . . maybe when you guys are joking around except if you guys dont play at all then there is trouble. 1 Like |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by MrsChima1(f): 12:51am On Sep 14, 2011 |
Excuse me? Head of the house? They are partners not boss and employee. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by r231(m): 1:01am On Sep 14, 2011 |
Mrs, Chima: husband is the head of the house my friend that doesn't change the fact that they are partners/couple what planet are you from  1 Like |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by ronkebp(f): 1:34am On Sep 14, 2011 |
@ Poster, i think talking to her and letting her know how you feel would go a long way, just as r231 has said. This is the time for a serious conversation, before the whole thing goes out of hand. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by MrsChima1(f): 5:49am On Sep 14, 2011 |
r231: I am from the Planet Earth and a man is the head because a book told you so? They are giving away airline tickets to Planet Earth FREE. Take one. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by OtunbaGm: 6:50am On Sep 14, 2011 |
@OP Join your wife when she is watching those movies Talk to her about your feelings It is normal for some fights in marriage but you need to be in charge not the violent way, i mean in all ways even if you guys fight,apologize first, leadership by example My wife likes those films too but i don't but at times i watch with her cos some can be interesting She also know my laptop is a must everyday, when i am on my system, she let me be! Sex is very important in marriage, 3-4 times in a month is too poor. if you treat your woman very well in bed she will add extra meat to your soup that day. It is your right to access that website anytime any day. Tell her I said,WHEN SHE SAID I DO ON YOUR WEDDING DAY, WHAT SHE IS BEEN ASKED IS DAT? WILL YOU GIVE IT TO your HUSBAND IN THE KITCHEN,TOILET,PARLOUR,BEDROOM? SHE SAID I DO. Mind you some women like it the hardway even when they desperately needs it. Do it,let her report you to your pastor, no be your property? afterall you dobale dat day now abi ur in laws no give you list? Check yourself and what did she like doing? do it with her Marriage is not bed of roses and don't worry yourself that you did not date before. I dated my wife for 6years but when she do some things at times, i laugh. Patience is the key and that is what makes you a man! All d best 3 Likes |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by HISchild: 7:10am On Sep 14, 2011 |
friend, please, pray for the strength and grace of GOD to love your wife unconditionally. Even contemplating adulterous activities / an affair is a very bad idea and comes with consequences, physical and most especially spiritual / sin before GOD. "Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." - Hebrews 13:4 "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." - Matthew 5:28 show her unconditional love the more she shows indifference and/or disdain for you, and most especially pray, by GOD's help - she may just come around, by GOD's grace and even upon seeing how nice you are and how badly she is behaving. Correct her in love, as the head of the house, knowing that GOD, The Lord JESUS CHRIST is your Head and share the word of GOD with her (you could start with those below, maybe then proverbs 31). Most of all - "Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. " -Philippians 4:6-7 ========= holy scriptures pertaining to marriage relationships, There is to be no divorce for any reason, husbands and wives, by the grace of The Lord GOD, love one another unconditionally. "The LORD be magnified"!!! (pss 40:16) Proverbs 18:22 "Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD." Ephesians 5:21-26 "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word," Colossians 3:18-20 "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. " 1 Peter 3:1-4 "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." Matthew 19:6 "Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. " Malachi 2:16 "For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. " [putting away is divorce, The LORD hates it] "But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away." - Proverbs 6: 32-33 "Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." - 1 Corinthians 6:18 1 Corinthians 7 "[b]Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?[/b]" ---- Proverbs 5:17-19 "Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her bosoms satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love." |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by r231(m): 9:29am On Sep 14, 2011 |
Mrs, Chima: Thank God for my wife. . . . 1 Like |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by Goldieluks: 10:00am On Sep 14, 2011 |
r231: Very true,the man is the head of the House and the woman is a helper/supporter. Mrs, Chima: Could you just shut up and listen for once? This is MAN AND WOMAN affair and not a G.a.y marriage like yours,duh! @OP, You just have to try having a conversation with her, You married in a old fashion way,but that shouldn't stop you both from communicating, and becoming very close.This is a phase of marriage,and you can only conquer this phase by talking to each other on how you feel,your hopes,dreams and the good things you'd want in your marriage. Good luck. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by pendo89(f): 11:07am On Sep 14, 2011 |
Pathetic situation. A married woman locking herself in the room to watch nollywood all the time, like a teenager trapped in woman's body. Can you make her pregnant fast? On second thought NO cz she won't even walk herself to the bathroom. Why dd she get married? what was she expecting? what are these fears that make her suspect everyone? She won't discuss Adult topics good lord what does she talk about? tom and jerry? Shouting you down and picking fights? men ur in for a rough time. Since ur changing to accomodate her hasn't helped I think you need to be firm and let her sense some authority cz shes living in her own 'nollywood' world and acting the same. Where there is a will there is a way. Otherwise your efforts are all in vain. good luck |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by cexplorer(m): 11:10am On Sep 14, 2011 |
@poster. My marriage was 28 years young this september but I had your kind of problem for many years before God stepped in. It was that bad I gave her a notebook to jot in just one issue of interest to her we could talk about per day but she would not. She was too much of a Phleg for my liking: quite, lonely, moody and paranoid without any iota of humour or tendency to crack jokes. I felt bad because I loved her and I wanted her to be my best friend and companion but she turned out to be a thorn in my flesh. All that have gone into history because we are the best of friends on earth today. We are so proud of our pasts that we turned our stories into ebooks so many would learn from them. To your issue I will suggest you contact a professional marriage counselor who would do a psychologic test on your natures and temperaments so he would get to the route of the problem. Without mixing words, based on my 28 years marital and 13 years counseling experiences, YOU ARE THE PROBLEM and no one can help you until you are ready to help yourself. 1 Like |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by 27naira(m): 1:24pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
Goldieluks: absolute! |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by Nobody: 1:26pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
Na wa 1 Like |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by violent(m): 1:48pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
I have to admit that there was no relationship (dating) before marriage. we married the old fashion way. could you explain what this means? By old fashion way, is it safe to infer that it's more of a family arranged marriage? |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by VALIDATOR: 1:55pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
@OP, I think the problem is YOU. You claimed to have had gf's who bonded easily and talked freely about their sex lives BUT you chose not to marry them.You chose this woman who prefers talking about bills and finance,etc and only relaxes in the bedroom with 101% attention on Nollywood. YOU saw her as she was. YOU took her like that. YOU want to change her to someone else. YOU don't think the problem has to do with your strategy right from the start? What to do now: You try and be the man she married i.e the one who does not complain about her personality,who told her "I love you just the way you are" and has more realistic expectations of her.You will see she will gradually adjust and meet you midway.It will take time. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by iaabc(f): 2:06pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
Truly I think you are the problem. Why do you want to turn her into a social animal if she is obviously not? Not everyone is outgoing, some people are extreme introverts. The only place to draw a line is where she is shutting you out. It may be because you have been using the wrong approaches to make her bond with you and that is remediable. Take her out, just you and her, during those few times you do copulate, talk and talk until there's nothing to talk about (women usually like to talk at those times). Above all my humble opinion and advice is let your wife be her own person. 1 Like |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by DaDoctor: 2:07pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
@ poster DONT TELL ME U ARE STILL A FOOL IN THIS MODERN WORLD? WHAT U ARE SEEING NOW IS COMPATIBILITY DIFFERENCES. WAO!!!!! U HADLY KNEW HER BEFORE U BOTH MARRIED? OK THEN, ENJOY HER, ITS FOR BETTER FOR WORSE. ENJOY THE 'BEANS' U PREPARED |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by iaabc(f): 2:09pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
^^  ^at Reproduce!If truly you are in an arranged marriage, nothing spoil but you must know that you have to woo her just as if you wanted to marry her. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by sylve11: 2:13pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
Goldieluks: lol  @op, something is wrong . . . . i mean real wrong |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by DaDoctor: 2:30pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
Goldieluks: WHY SHUT MRS CHIMA UP NA? THANK GOD U NOW REALISE SHE IS A NITWIT WIT LOW MORAL VALUE THANK GOD FOR DELIVERING YOU FROM HER HOOK |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by samm(m): 2:34pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
VALIDATOR: cexplorer: Great advices on this thread. |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by Nobody: 2:34pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
// |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by dotman(m): 2:38pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
From my own understanding, everything in life is in stages, i rank it from 1 to 5, and you have to climb each stage religiously, if you miss a step, you have to go back and rebuild. In your own case, you went from stage 2 to 5, the 3 steps you missed are the most important. without it, you dont have a solid relationship. my candid advise, you need to start afresh, woo her, do her runz, feel excited, make love to her like the very 1st time, give it to her that she would tell her friend (if she has any left), den move slowly back to the stage 5, where u currently, but in a different mood. Am sure this would make a difference. Good luck mehn |
| Re: My Wife Just Doesn't Want To Bond And Grow With Me by ifyalways(f): 2:47pm On Sep 14, 2011 |
Real courtship is very important people.I just can't understand why folks still wake up and marry strangers . . .You'd end up quarreling,adjusting and studying each other in the early years of marriage that ought to be spent having real fun and exploring your bodies.I'm quite pissed cos recently a friend of mine went the old fashioned way against all the advises he got and 13 months later(infact since day 1) has been from one complain to the other . . .ofcourse my ears are blocked.He should carry his cross jejely OP needs a lively,outspoken and cheerful wife that wud also stand shoulder-to-shoulder with a LovePeddler in bed[b] fortunately[/b] the wife is a nun,addicted to Nollywood.  I have no advise for you.I hope your marriage works. |
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