@sadhusband     you see thats what courtship is all about unfortunately since according to your post that both of you never courted or dated HMMMM YOU REALLY DESERVE WHAT YOU GET FROM HER AND PLEASE DO NOT COMPLAIN BEAR EVRYTHING AND CARRY YOUR CROSS JEJE you know why ,

sadhusband:

@funkybaby

I have thought about getting her pregnant and getting a baby into the house. But sometimes I fear that she would be worse then. She seems like the type that wants to first secure her position in a marriage before opening up.

what position does she want to secure again? 3years into a marraige? some women sef  

sadhusband:
.
frankly sometimes I think I married below my mental or intellectual levels.

Really sad. But you've laid your bed and you have to deal with it.

sadhusband:

But I am a strong believer in marriage and in making my wife grow both emotionally and intellectually. So, I'm even wary of bringing a child into this situation.

btw we are both strong christians.

maybe you should go on a brief holiday. somewhere fancy and then open up to her. it pointless bottling all these feelings inside you. You have to let her know o.

ahannnnn. kilode?

how can a man be married and have such heavy burden and sadness in his heart  

there is also another angle to the problem. she used to cook and make sure there is food at home. now, she simply goes to work, come back and go straight to bed. if I complain, she tells me to go cook myself.
I do cook because I hate nagging her about things I know i can do for myself. I was cooking for myself before i married her. so that's not much of a problem, except that i suspect that the problem would get worse if she gets a baby. she acts like the type that would just cook for her baby and forget all about me.

I hate comparing my wife with other women, but she fails anytime I do that. Without comparing her with others, how would i know if she's normal or not?

sadhusband:

I did not say that she does not initiate sex. I said she does not inspire sex. They are different.
If someone just lie down and don't participate or simply wait for you to do your thing, that is boring to a lot of guys.

simple solution to a very simple problem.

if she lies down and you want her to give you d.o.ggy, why cant you tell her nicely and gently, ''baby turn around''. or ''''wifey, raise your legs up''  

thats the point i have been trying to make. you need to open up to your wife and have a long heart to heart talk with her and let her know what your expectations are.

she is not harry potter. how do you expect her to know you enjoy other positions in bed without you telling her, eh?

sadhusband:

there is also another angle to the problem. she used to cook and make sure there is food at home. now, she simply goes to work, come back and go straight to bed. if I complain, she tells me to go cook myself.

That is sooooooooooooo disrespectful.

@
sadhusband  this is serious my guy honestly you better start to act fast if she was to be in the UK MY GUY SHE WOULD HAVE CALLED POLICE ON YOU OR KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR HOUSE NA SO,

@funkybaby

Thanks a lot. You see I'm loving your spirit already!
check you out here.

funkybaby:

simple solution to a very simple problem.

i[b]f she lies down and you want her to give you d.o.ggy, why cant you tell her nicely and gently, ''baby turn around''. or ''''wifey, raise your legs up''[/b]  

@Russialane

We're in the US.

Seriously I've thought about relocating to Nigeria just to have my marriage back, but something tells me that I may have to go without her.

@
sadhusband i HATE to tell you this no offense for the fact that you are even in the US HMMMM YOU ARE FINISHED she has the upper hand you know why you are sitting on a time bomb WAITING TO BLOW UP ON YOU JUST be careful and be steadfast like a man your wife is a ticking TIME BOMB

I also notice that she snaps at me sometimes in public if I say anything she doesn't like. People turn and look at us funny. She doesn't care.
I thought that mature folks have self control, and can handle any information no matter how provocative they may seem. The funny thing is that I am very careful with words. I hate verbal abuse, and do my best to desist from hurting her verbally. She just needs to mature up, that's all.

sadhusband:

@funkybaby

Thanks a lot. You see I'm loving your spirit already!
check you out here.

Abi na.  

Relationships/marriage is not as complicated as people make them seem.

You should try and communicate with her.
send text mesages to her when both of you are not together, ring her to find our she is doing, let her know when you are upset with her. . . . . .

communicate, communicate, communicate.

thats the only way you are going to resolve this issue.

except you are a shy person/introvert like her  

Russialane:

@
sadhusband i HATE to tell you this no offense for the fact that you are even in the US HMMMM YOU ARE FINISHED she has the upper hand you know why you are sitting on a time bomb WAITING TO BLOW UP ON YOU JUST be careful and be steadfast like a man your wife is a ticking TIME BOMB

Russialane:

@
sadhusband  this is serious my guy honestly you better start to act fast if she was to be in the UK MY GUY SHE WOULD HAVE CALLED POLICE ON YOU OR KICKED YOU OUT OF YOUR HOUSE NA SO,

it infuriates me when people say such trash about naija women based abroad. So its every naija woman that calls the police on her hubby? when will you lot stop stereotyping? who told you the ones based in naija are any better?

mschewwwww !

Russialane:

@
sadhusband  i HATE to tell you this no offense for the fact that you are even in the US HMMMM YOU ARE FINISHED she has the upper hand you know why you are sitting on a time bomb WAITING TO BLOW UP ON YOU JUST be careful and be steadfast like a man your wife is a ticking TIME BOMB

Sometimes I feel exactly like that. When we have serious argument, that is exactly how I feel. She doesn't trust me or anyone for that matter. If she had friends, I could try to reach her through her friends. But she doesn't.

@
sadhusband  i FEEL YOUR pains unfortunately you have LOST YOUR WIFE  the way it is now its time for you to make that call stay with her or leave put the ball in her court and see her response

funkybaby:

Abi na.  

Relationships/marriage is not as complicated as people make them seem.

You should try and communicate with her.
send text mesages to her when both of you are not together, ring her to find our she is doing, let her know when you are upset with her. . . . . .

communicate, communicate, communicate.

thats the only way you are going to resolve this issue.

except you are a shy person/introvert like her  

If I am like that, we may not have any problem. Part of the problem is that I'm bored. I need a lively (and normal) woman at home. Not a LovePeddler; not a recluse. Just a normal woman.

okay, let me share what I'm thinking about to solve this.
I am praying a lot of course, but God gave us brains for a purpose.

I am planning to move back to Nigeria as a last resort
America is too nucleated and isolationist. Everyone to himself/herself.

She was not like this in Nigeria because she hardly even saw me at home in Nigeria. I think she sees too much of me here. In Nigeria, she appreciated every moment she was with me and jumps at any opportunity to go out. Staying at home is boring in Nigeria. Out here, there is internet 24/7 and she just goes to watch those nollywood movies. In naija she worried that she may lose me to other girls, though I knew she won't. I don't know if I can say that she won't lose me anymore.

btw, this is a last option. I don't want to divorce her, but time is not on my side to wait for her to grow.
I don't even think she is interested in growing.
Do you guys think it is a good idea to do that?

@ poster, i would ask you to check yourself honestly. I want to believe your wife has trust issues with you and is not letting it out.

Talking from my own experience in my marriage as a woman, i seem to understand what is going on in your wife's mind. The moment i realised that i cant trust my husband with ANY INFORMATION i stopped telling him anything except if he asked. why? because every discussion will end up on the round table with his mum and friends. i did not argue with him , i just scrutinized my information.
I discovered he was having an affair which he tried so hard to hide, i asked him and he denied vehemently and the result was that i lost all trust in him. I carry on with my life as if i dont care but he has since noticed i dont confide in him like i used to. he complains about my being secretive to everyone that cares to listen and it seems i dont care. well thats the impression i give, though i am hurting deep inside me.

i would advice u check yourself first, and then find a way of getting into the mind of your wife. every reaction is triggered by an action in a woman's world.

@
sadhusband   honestly it seems you really love her very much i for one will not go the way of divorce in life you can not eat your cake and have so remain and keep praying and endure, manage, swallow all she throws at you shes your wife and stop complaining about her anymore or else you will get your fingers burnt by her this is WHAT YOU SIGNED FOR SO ENJOY YOUR PACKAGE it will do you no good if you keep complaining about her again. be the best loving husband you can be and let GOD be the judge of you both.

If she is trying to get pregnant and the problem is from her : I think that may be the origin of the recluse o, you need to befriend your wife, I honestly think your marriage is save-able lets say she was beating up or abusing your ancestors every night then i would have said scram.

Also the subliminal messages from Nollywood and yorubawood of witch craft who tie wombs may be causing your wife's "reclusement".

Ok the solution i see is books , knowledge is the broom that sweeps away cobwebs, buy her fascinating womanhood by helen andelin.

Reassure her that her problem is yours and that she will bore a child, if you get liver ban nollywood
( some of those films are like yeye spirit with negative energy)

Tonight dance Marvin Gaye lets get it on and take control of the situation , let her feel like she is your everything , 2moro act hard to get so she can pursue you small.

That she has not complained about sex does not mean you should not spice it ( recluse can never complain) Karma sutra her , If she is truly scorpio then its the bedroom oh, them are crazy about it.

I honestly think your marriage will work as soon as you concentrate on romantically connecting with her and forgetting petty things.

No kids yet until you guys know the bus you wanna take or you wanna be paying child support without the joy of having patty feets running to welcome you at the door shouting daddy is home.

Mistake must not wear cloth for another mistake.

@SadHusband, From all you've said it appears your wife doesn't really love you. A girl/woman in love will do almost anything for the guy she loves. In your case, at least she should have made some attempt towards pleasing you or doing the things you want her to do, even if just for your sake. I'm afraid you haven't ignited that fire in her yet.

You said it that you didn't date before marriage (wrong move), so I guess you were not able to study her before tying the knot. Ladies in Nigeria will do anything to marry a guy living abroad especially in the US. That could have been a motivating factor for her to marry you from  the start.

You see, there are 2 reasons for every decision we make. The Real reason, which is based on emotion, and the reason that sounds good or acceptable (based on logic). Not everyone will admit the real reason for their actions or responses. In your case, you are not likely to get a real answer from her regarding her actions but you'll have to find this out for your self.

Examine her behavior during the early marriage and compare it to present. Has it changed significantly and for the worse? It may help to find out her personality before both of you got hitched. Has it deteriorated? She may have a conservative/ introverted nature but that should not affect  intimacy or communication. If she doesn't like to talk about intimate subject, find out what she's really passionate about (she must have something) and engage with her. You mentioned she enjoys Naija films, and you watched along with her for a while, was there any chemistry during this period?

The conclusion, if she doesn't love you she won't really enjoy doing anything with you. If you love her, and you want your marriage to work, make her come alive, ignite the flame in her, listen to her, find out what she's passionate about there must be something (again, this should have been done before marriage). Goodluck.

^^^^ My dear 'horny4u", no one can type and advice better than what you have written above. every problem, have a solution. (positive solution).

whatelsedo:

@ poster, i would ask you to check yourself honestly. I want to believe your wife has trust issues with you and is not letting it out.

Talking from my own experience in my marriage as a woman, i seem to understand what is going on in your wife's mind. The moment i realised that i cant trust my husband with ANY INFORMATION i stopped telling him anything except if he asked. why? because every discussion will end up on the round table with his mum and friends. i did not argue with him , i just scrutinized my information.
I discovered he was having an affair which he tried so hard to hide, i asked him and he denied vehemently and the result was that i lost all trust in him. I carry on with my life as if i dont care but he has since noticed i dont confide in him like i used to. he complains about my being secretive to everyone that cares to listen and it seems i dont care. well thats the impression i give, though i am hurting deep inside me.

i would advice u check yourself first, and then find a way of getting into the mind of your wife. every reaction is triggered by an action in a woman's world.

I did not do anything wrong (that I know of).
Nobody is perfect, and I don't even see her faults that much. I lived with all these for almost the whole  3 years and I'm prepared to go on, BUT she has to open up and tell me stuff. She is supposed to be my best friend. I also wonder why she suspects everyone as if she has no fault of her own. She is also a christian and need to understand the value of forgiveness (if anyone hurt her). She is not my girl friend. She is my wife. If she can't forgive me (assuming I did something wrong), why did she agree to marry me? I believe that maturity is part of her problem. Mature people hardly find fault in little things. They understand life.
I nearly ended the marriage almost as soon as it started because I feared this current situation. I decided to handle it as a christian and forgive and ignored all her faults then, all with hope that she would one day make a good wife.
She has let me down.

But I still believe it is my fault; afterall I married her.

horny4u:

Scorpio's are very secretive people, extremely so ,

Book an hotel ferry the key to her , place some bad Bottom lingerie on the bed and place instructions in different places in that room with one leading to another.

Let it all be naughty and saucy not cheap, expensive wine, and ko

Scorpios love intimacy more than their mother but they are not cheap people so if you are having s.ex only 3 times a month , something is definately wrong, you are not touching the awo konle, depth, lol

Seriously befriend your MRS, she needs to trust you before she can open up and be able to grow with you then you can show her how to mix with people.

Forget how she socializes for now , we are all not the same,

Note once she trusts you and is in love nothing can move her away , their loyalty is like prison gate or chewing gum, they will do anything for you but they pretend not to love b.a.n.g but na big lie,

Less words more action

My best friend is scorpio and her husband is NOW thin: he is converting blood to s.e.m.e.n per sec poor man!!!

funny but some sense here. I like d part- Befriend ur wife, let her trust u, and she's all yours.

Trust is a two way street. If she cannot trust me, she should at least trust another person -any person. That way I can at least know it is me with the problem.

About her faults, believe me i don't even see them at all. I am the type that don't see any fault with my woman if I'm in love with her. But if I fall out of love, my eyes open to all kinds of stuff. I am seeing more and more . . 

I don't know what to do not to fall out of love with her because the faults can quickly become a deluge. 

I also have to admit that I'm becoming cold to the idea of having a baby with her. I fear she would trap me into a life time of misery with child support.

sadhusband:

Trust is a two way street. If she cannot trust me, she should at least trust another person -any person. That way I can at least know it is me with the problem.

I see !

marriage is not a you no do this SO I too no do this, It is not 50 -50 o its 100-100 so take your 100 to your MRS and maybe i should spell it out in greek , she needs your tongue and for you to visit those places where you can get a battery rabbit ( wo e ma so mi lenu o je) and turn that recluse to a happy baby, without a good kneeding the best women will slap the television and punch the DVD, smack that but , be a nutty professor GRRR, get out Monica Lewisky from her plain Jane,

You will know your pomo as gotten to the the ground flour when she begins to sing praise music after don moen instead of reclusing with the voodoos of nollywood,

Your wife is in pain, serious one , date her , and read more about understanding women, KNOWLEDGE

@op, dont think that way, if u guys have a baby, then it's both for ur good. Get her a job or tasks and activities to keep her away from nollywood movies, u could discretly disconnect d source. Now pour out ur mind to her in d most loving her while u guys are in a good mood, without being vindictive. Ur wife hasnt trusted u fully, u need to charm her and she'll get out of her shell. But start by pouring out ur mind.

horny4u:

I see !

marriage is not a you no do this SO I too no do this, It is not 50 -50 o its 100-100 so take your 100 to your MRS and maybe i should spell it out in greek , s[b]he needs your tongue and for you to visit those places where you can get a battery rabbit ( wo e ma so mi lenu  o je) and turn that recluse to a happy baby, without a good kneeding the best women will slap the television and punch the DVD, smack that but , be a nutty professor GRRR, get out Monica Lewisky from her plain Jane, [/b]

You will know your pomo as gotten to the the ground flour when she begins to sing praise music after don moen instead of reclusing with the voodoos of nollywood,

Your wife is in pain, serious one  , date her , and read more about understanding women, KNOWLEDGE

LOL. 

Well, I admit I've not done oral-sex with her. I don't know whether she likes them. You see, how do I know, if she won't even talk about them?

^^^ did you ask her if she likes it or not?

what stops you from asking her?

abi she carry fire for head

I think I will write her an email and pour my heart out. I hope that helps.
The baby thing is a sweet/bitter dream for me now. Part of me wants it, while the other part suspects her because she won't even cook, now. How  am I sure she won't even divorce me after having that baby? Then I'll be in a nightmare.
I suspect that whatever I do would be my decision; and it won't be an easy one. Life is hard already. All I needed was wife who could carry the burden of life with me in a cheerful, bullish and positive way. We should enjoy life while we still have it. If a child is born into an unhappy family, that child's life would be ruined.