The other day i was listening to a radio program, and the topic of discussion was how Nigeria Men/Women often fear the very things they need in order to heal our conditions. When the area of relationships was mentioned, a guy phoned in and stated that he believed Nigerian men and women were afraid to have healthy relationships with each other across the board. He wasn't saying that there were no Nigerian men and women who craved healthy relationships, but simply that we have so little faith in it happening on a broad scale, that some of us are avoiding such progress on purpose. This brings up such questions as: What would this Nigerian Men/women do if they had no broad-scale, reasonable complaints about the opposite sex? What would Nigerian men and women do with all the free time we had if we weren't blaming each other for things? Who would we then be forced to blame for other societal problems? What would be the new excuse for Inter-tribal relationships if we couldn't blame a lack of quality of our own genders? After many people debated the answers to these questions, the following question was asked: Do Nigerian Men/Women really want to heal our relationships, or are we so used to the discord that we are on some subconscious level, content to just blame each other and live being discontent with each other?

I am wondering what comments anyone on this site has on this topic, and what your personal answers to the questions mentioned might be. Are any of you content with the state of our relationships? Do you believe most of our people genuinely crave each other and want to change? Should we all just give up and move on without each other?

HAPPY NEW YEAR AND PEACE OUT!!!!

Perhaps I am naive about Africa but i think i may know why African unions have issues. . .ok, not to get too deep into history but if you check the way our ancestors view male and female relationships and contrast it to the modern view points of the west/NWO, you will find your answer.

Of all people Africans/black people have the hardest time adjusting to or transforming to western culture which is why the rest of the world ponder our "backwardness" truth is, even in the most liberal of African countries it seems that success is expected of few and a birth right in terms of economics and education. As far as "love goes" again if we take it back and even venture into the minds of "tribal" or "traditional Africans", for MANY 'love is non existent'. Marriage or relationship is simply a 'give or take' union. It's a barter system and like all barter systems its all about "scratch my back, i will scratch yours. Fail to do so and we will quarrel." Hence the "naija babes want bbs, brazilian weave; etc in return for affection" complaints some men type on here and the lack of affection unless it's s3x complaints some women post on here.

Thats an issue as it is but add other elements such as social class, inter-tribal dating, difference in theistic beliefs and it's a HULLABALOO!!  Not always, but often. We black folks particularly Africans fear change because we are so used to doing things "our way".

That is how it began from back then until now. "What can YOU DO FOR ME?" Not, "how can we build and create together". That mentality is responsible for our societal problems in terms of corruption and the lack of foundation in the homes/relationships.

Not sure if i stayed on topic/answered your question or not  but that's my opinion.

MsDarkSkin:

Perhaps I am naive about Africa but i think i may know why African unions have issues. . .ok, not to get too deep into history but if you check the way our ancestors view male and female relationships and contrast it to the modern view points of the west/NWO, you will find your answer.

Of all people Africans/black people have the hardest time adjusting to or transforming to western culture which is why the rest of the world ponder our "backwardness" truth is, even in the most liberal of African countries it seems that success is expected of few and a birth right in terms of economics and education. As far as "love goes" again if we take it back and even venture into the minds of "tribal" or "traditional Africans", for MANY 'love is non existent'. Marriage or relationship is simply a 'give or take' union. It's a barter system and like all barter systems its all about "scratch my back, i will scratch yours. Fail to do so and we will quarrel." Hence the "naija babes want bbs, brazilian weave; etc in return for affection" complaints some men type on here and the lack of affection unless it's s3x complaints some women post on here.

Thats an issue as it is but add other elements such as social class, inter-tribal dating, difference in theistic beliefs and it's a HULLABALOO!!  Not always, but often. We black folks particularly Africans fear change because we are so used to doing things "our way".

That is how it began from back then until now. "What can YOU DO FOR ME?" Not, "how can we build and create together". That mentality is responsible for our societal problems in terms of corruption and the lack of foundation in the homes/relationships.

Not sure if i stayed on topic/answered your question or not  but that's my opinion.

Thank you for responding Msdarsking. I think everything you have said here makes a lot of sense. As i was listening to the radio program, i actually thought a lot about this site and how sometimes people just can't let a topic have any real peace. The minute people are agreeing and seemingly on one accord, someone has to break that peace and stir something up again. Its like excitement for some, they need to see people just a little bit divided to stay interested. Why are people like that? Do we like a little bit of animosity in our relationships? I have a theory that many people can't help but create an argument where there previously wasn't one. Most relationship tend to hit the lump when the other partner tend to complain about not getting some certain stuffs to fulfill her emotional needs just like you mention about our Naija Babes!!! LOL. To me why such stuff make a hell of argument in relationship when it should be nurtured to yield able Crop in the end!!!

Maybe this shouldn't bother me so much, but it really does. The other day someone responded to a thread with this sort of attitude, and i suddenly felt sick : . It was one of those attitudes like "Aha, i finally caught someone saying something that backs up every negative opinion i ever felt. This is just the thing i need to continue being pessimistic and avoid progress."

Now i realize we all have the right to be pessimistic or to avoid certain things that make us uncomfortable, but goodness does it have to be so broad scale? Do black people really sit around waiting for each other to act in a way that confirms our worst thoughts about each other? If we anticipate such things, and then have the nerve to get excited when it occurs, we have serious psychological problems and its no wonder some of us deal with all the drama we do.

Need to hit the bed now!! Peace out

People, ladies especially, love drama. A peaceful relationship is boring, we need to be kept on our toes, a degree of emotional insecurity keeps it fresh. It is sick but do we have a choice?

Nowadays Nigerian men are very selfish people. Everything is about their needs and egos at the expense of having a functional home/society. They judge a Nigerian women without even knowing her or even well enough that causes drama. In a relationship most will leave you if you don't give up sex. Other races are more likely to appericate a woman that don't sleep around and willing to wait than a black man. Most nigerian men think they are too smart and always underestimate other people intelligence. The quality of Nigerian men has gone down dramatically. Poor rich uneducated eduated nigerians all are trying to scam or cheat the system. Always greedy wether in a relationship or business.

@deal_ordea

I was kind of afraid to reply because i know this thread is intended to focus on relationships and romance but once again i have to bring in the political aspect of it.

It goes back to Malcom X. The reason I prefer that brother over Martin Luther King Jr. ANYDAY, is because in the mind of Brother Malcom "Africa is where Africans are" and "You can take the black man out of Africa, but you can't take Africa out of the black man". In other words no matter where a black man goes or is born, he is still an African.

I too have seen this to be the case. Even with my African American people who, are not very much in touch with their roots, to a certain extent still exhibit signs of their past - both good and bad. Like you said earlier, it is particularly evident in our race. Whether you are in Africa, the caribbean/ latin America or N. America, black people have this "crab in the barrel" mentality. One crab is on it's way out of the barrel and one or more of the other crabs will rush to pull it down. It's very sad but true.

Again it goes back to our past. We are a VERY emotional/paranoid people and as a result very territorial. Honor and reputation play a huge role in how we see ourselves and interact with others. The whole concept of brotherhood is MODERN!! I say so because back in the day and even now, nothing mattered/s to us but our OWN!! From tribe, to nationality, to class, etc. Looking out for one another only occurs if we find ourselves on the wrong end of the stick but if another group of blacks are suffering minus us, we have this "better them than us" attitude. All we seem to care about is our own benefits.

anyway,

Black relationships suffer from the crab mentality too. Having come from generation after generation of tradition and selfishness you will naturally create men with that mentality. African/black men are a reflection of the culture. "Don't challenge my kingdom" translates to "don't challenge my manhood". The idea of a black woman being happy without having to submit to "their rules" is an abomination!! Which is why the "strong sister girl" attitude is the reason (excuse for) why a lot of our men run off to other women. They want so badly to be that "Mandingo warrior" that says "bow to me" and the woman says "how low?" lol. And the same can be said about the black woman.

In order to be that strong sister we act oppressive and very defensive. We have lost sight on the positive sides of our past too. We have to learn what it means to COMPROMISE!! Make your man feel like a man AS LONG AS he makes you feel like an appreciated woman. Build together!! Be less selfish and more understanding. You can still practice tradition and appreciate your way of living but also bend a little to keep the peace otherwise what is the purpose of the union?

If there is one thing our ancestors did right was when they urged people to keep their business to themselves. RUNNING to every Tom, Dyck, Harry, Mary and Harriet about marital and family problems is another way to fall victim to that "crab mentality". Even someone you've grown to trust and care for may not share the same feelings for you. So imagine if you asked that person for advice, they will find a way to ruin your happiness. We see it happen all the time yet fall for the same trap. Even here on NL, someone asks for advice and as you stated you will have that ONE PERSON come and try to downplay the positive advise and mood. It's sad. I TOO have been guilty of this I will admit but now that I know better all I can do is strive for change. We just need to learn to compromise and treat others with respect. That's all we need to rise to the occasion.

Yet some will read my response (if it's not too long for them!!) and still continue with the fckry.

Okay