@Poster, The bible says love the person you r married to, not  marry the person you love, it is your responsible to divert all that attention to your husband.

Listen when the devil wants to destroy marriage, he starts with such stories like this, resist the devil and he will flee.


I will recommend that you go and watch this film "someone to cherish" that movie answers all your questions.

the sanctity of marriage imposes certain restrains- especially for the woman. now, sanctity in marriage is only for those who subject themselves to god. if you are subject to god, you will know that rules must guide all your conducts as a married person. one of these rules is to maintain respectable distance from opposite sex. breaking this rule is a mark of irresponsibility. clearly too, fondness with another partner is one obvious signal of a failing marriage. my advise therefore is- renew your marriage vow and go to work on your ailing marriage. if however, you are the free moral agent without fear of god, then prepare the epitaph of your marriage!

I mean through out her story she never gave us the most essential detail which is: does she still love her husband? I mean when she really thinks it through, does she love this new man more than her hubby? If the answer is yes then her marriage is doomed anyway and she might as well do what she wanna do but if the answer is no then she should break all ties with this new guy. A married woman who is serious about her union should not under any cercumstances be too friendly with any other man! Marriage is tough and everyone knows that but that's why we take a vow of 'for better for worse' when we tie the knot. @poster; only u can truely advice yourself on this issue as we on nairaland can never know ur inner most feelings or true situation of your marriage.

@ op a lot has been said on this thread and some people said it in a civilized way. @ the end of the day you need to stay away and keep a distance from this man. Him coming to your family home with his family is just feeding into your desire to have him close but not to close that it will disrespect your marriage. IMO you are playing a dangerous game here, befor you know it you may fall in love with this man if you have not done so already. I know what its like to work on a marriage that has issues and feel like your husband does not pay any attention to you. Im living in such a marriage right now. But involving a third party in this situation will only make it worse. Keeping a friendship with this man has no benefit to you @ the end of the day. You need to cut him off completly.
Good luck on your marriage.

WINONA IS A GOOD LADY to have stated this and seeking for advise most married couples are into this without thinking twice ONLY PRAYERS can help you and the solution is trying to make your husband do things the guy do with you maybe he use to take you out or some kind of other stuffs ask of it from your husband and it's not the guy you are interested in that his at fault but you because all men are polygamy minded , IF YOU LOVE YOUR HUSBAND JUST STOP IT

A lot of people are finding themselves in this unfortunate situation, even single guys with married women or the other way - one should however call a spade a spade. What happens in the physical always starts in the mind and before long the kerewa dance will start.

WOW! You all re doing a good job of making me look like a slut, though I get your point. Thanks

U are not a slut, but u are trying to solve your problem by creating a bigger one for some other innocent person, problems dont solve problems

Lady Winona:

WOW! You all re doing a good job of making me look like a slut, though I get your point. Thanks

How do u plan to play with fire without being burnt? If the colleague friend is that "charming" and perfect as you paint him to be, why is he flirting with another woman when his wife and children are in the home counting on him? He is using that charm to get you to bed and you will be a bigger slut the day you see yourself on his bed

lady Winona,  you feel this relationship is improving your marriage but have you tried asking if the mans wife feels her marriage is improved?
CERTAINLY NOT. I think her marriage would function better if her husband concentrated his feelings and "understanding" on her. When a  man wants a woman he will use the most effective method and this man is doing just that. He sees a woman that has falling into the normal trap in most marriages- neglect and being taken for granted and he has capitalised on it.
You wanted advise from married posters so let this be food for your mind-
A woman who is hurt avoids men. You are not acting out  of pain but some sort of revenge or other motive like- Other men appreciate me etc.
I do but condemn you in any way, these things come up but remember that when you play with fire you get burnt and remember that there are some things when broken that can never be fixed.

just test running

Akwasi- just posted and then read your own post- great minds think alike lol

Lady W, the truth is bitter and its hard to swallow. Except for one or two comments, pretty much everything here has been said and said well. This is marriage and not just dating or courting. Its a diff ball game entirely. Thi is a life long committment and many married couples who have had this experience have offered advice. I think its 'cause they are concerned that they have said all that they did. No one is calling you a slut (excuse the silly one/two that did. Ill-mannered people) but yo, swallow this bitter pill and face reality. You are in yyour twenties and if you want to still have a healthy marriage when you are much older, then you need to build the foundation right.

I'm not married yet but I know that even keeping close guy friends is not advisable. The closer you are, the fonder of each other you become, the LESS time you give to your man and relationship and then the wahala starts. Don't start what you can't finish. For to stay up all night thinking about this means that there is already something brewing. Keep your relationship w this guy to a strictly professional one. Its better to do this than to regret years from now. Work on your marriage and forget about this guy and how good you feel when you are with him. Talk with older people who have strong marriages and learn from them. Aboro ni a n so fun omoluabi.

Though am not married but to an extent understand d way u feel. I suggest u examine urself and try to sacrifice a little for ur marriage and pray to God to bless ur marriage.

i dont see anything wrong? you both seem like sensible people that know what they will lose if they stray.

i agree with you I think you should all spend time together with your partners, harness the friendship and put all your work towards the relationship with your partner.it may just be because things arent going fantastic with your husband that you will feel this way.

Im guessing its just one of the hurdles of marriage. I'm not married anyways but I understand we are all human. Dont read too much into the comments many people here just dont have lives

good luck!

HIROSHI:

OP,

I do understand very well how you feel. Please accept my little advice.

I observed that you like this colleague of yours very much and you have unconsciously built a hero/knight figure into him with a bid to help you run away from reality into the cloud of thoughts you have built for yourself. In the process of doing this, you try to repress the reality of this act by living in denial and introducing him to your family and you get known to his too.

I will advise that you resolutely back off from the 'innocent' relationship as it is bound to end up into something deeper, more personal, more intimate and more unacceptable. Being known to each other's family is not preventive, in fact it is a decoy that would allow the untoward take place at the fullness of time without suspicion. This will sustain the act of deception if eventually the deed is done. So, the earlier you back off the better.

Taking refuge in your relationship with him is not helping your marriage as you think. You are only advancing your love to the guy by switching his face with that of your husband. (Some men and women physically make love to their spouses but mentally, the love making is with other people outside their homes. If this persists, it will eventually turn a reality. That is the power of imagination!).

Pulling out might seem difficult but resolve to do so in your heart and do it committedly. Now, he will come after you wanting to know what went wrong and if he had offended you, just smile at him and tell him that all is well. Pray and fast about it if you are the religious type (and when you feel like going to meet him again, rather than do that, read the holy book of your religion).

Mr. you are so on-point about the mind. The mind is the ultimate intimate organ. Lady Winona, we are not saying you are a slut but we see you on the way to being a 'slut' and want to draw you back from it.

This guy is already making love to your mind that is why you couldn't sleep and created this topic at 3am in the morning!

In fact, I want you to start giving daily reports here of how you are cutting him-off from now on. Have you seen him today? You better not answer yes.

You know we are only trying to save you from yourself!

Woman, work smarter on your marriage to make it near perfect & distance yourself a little further from your affectionate colleague at work. MAY GOD HELP YOUR MARRIGE (Did I hear you say Amen?)

@poster.
I sincercerly understand what u are going through. I once read or heard somewhere that infidelity is not only when u sleep with someone else. There is also infidelity of the heart, tots e.t.c.
If a knd of joy, gist, friendship is shared with someone else, its also cheating, becos that part of the heart belongs to ur spouse. Am thankful that ure sensible enough to stop and think. The next step is to do a full U-turn and channel that energy into steps that would spice up ur marriage. Begin to avoid the guy, PERIOD. Wish u success. doh

Madam.,it takes a sec to cross dat moral line to d oda.Thou, u may av clean perspective abt ur frndship wt ur colleague. But nevetheless both av started a time bomb wc either of u, is going to detonate very soon. Since d existence of man &woman the term platonic friendship has neva bn perfectly established. In which your case is a dangerous one. No matter how watchful you are mistakes are bound to occur, U both are not perfect, and when a married woman finds tensi03n reliever from another man apart her husband she has concluded to destroy her God blessed home. So my advice to you is maintain ur friendship at a repectable distance with your witty colleague. To avoid a mistake within a sec.! & putting your precious family to jeopardy.

oh no
marriage?
smtyms sucks

Lady W, going by what you have in your write-up here. What defines you doesn't spell a SLUT, but a sincere and honest person. Many here fall for such that you come here to seek a way devoid of crookedness. Everything is right about you and the feelings is right as well. But I feel there is a lapse in your marriage which you need redress. Again, grow beyond this fantasy by reducing this fondness.

Please being abusive is not necessary in this matter.My dear, i really commend you for opening up which is the first solution. It can happen to anybody especially when one's hubby isn't showing her love. Its also risky. This kind of thing happened to my friend. She became fond of a man cos of de problems she was having with her hubby. Both were married. Like play, like play dis fondness grew into serious luv. Later, de woman and her hubby resolved their wahala but yet dis two luv birds couldn't control their feelings for each other. When de woman wanted to quit, the man said no that she can't leave him. This man started threatening de woman's hubby and eventually killed de man so that she can have the woman all to himself. You see something that started like joke where it ended. Am not praying for that but one has to be careful with men especially married ones like us. My only advice is for you to know the limits you can go. Feelings for a man most times leads to sex if you are not careful. Wish u luck.

When I read some people's comment, I feel like like slapping them forming Holy Holy Saint like image quoting Biblical verses.

It is natural to begin to have feelings for someone you can always lean on or run to. In her case,she has not done anything immoral and some people have started pointing fingers! We need to be real here.

I think it is hard to just let the guy go.

If you think he's meant for you, leave your husband and he leaves his wife.

Then you guys would end up in the same predicament. And realise that no man/woman is that much different.

Work on that which is infront of you and stop searching for the impossible (perfection)

hi me Lady. your situation is quite simple you know. it's simple case of lust and desire. am sure you know for every action is a reaction. action with consequence, sadly not only the players will feel the brunt of these actions. howeva, if you want this man, and you think it's true feelings, go for it and make it work.

You must work at your marriage and forget this other man.

[img]http://s01.flagcounter.com/count/7uR/bg=FFFFFF/txt=FFFFFF/border=FFFFFF/columns=1/maxflags=1/viewers=3/labels=0/pageviews=0[/img][img]http://s10.flagcounter.com/count/oH/bg=FFFFFF/txt=FFFFFF/border=FFFFFF/columns=1/maxflags=1/viewers=3/labels=0/pageviews=0[/img][img]http://2.s01.flagcounter.com/count/7uR/bg=FFFFFF/txt=FFFFFF/border=FFFFFF/columns=1/maxflags=1/viewers=3/labels=0/pageviews=0[/img]

@Op
"What a tangled web we weave,
when we practice to decieve."

Marraige is a life long commitment. It is nota  contract that promises everlasting bliss. It does not in anyway gurantee any type of emotional or sexual fulfillment. Women are always eager to find a commited man they can call their husband for life, then later, they start whinning about emotional fullfilment and this and that fullfilment. If your husband does not find you as attractive and as sexy as before, do you think he should be justified in finding fullfilment outside?

Women always try to find some type of pathetic excuses to justify or legitimise infidelity. Once you start looking for a good reason to fool around, you'll surely find it. [b]I hope you know that you have already commited adultery and have compromised your marriage. Adultery is not necessarily about sex. You have betrayed your husban[/b]d emotionally. You have already crossed the boudaries of the sacred prescint.

I think the problem is that television dramas and films are setting too high an expectation on relationships. Everybody wants a custom made mate that retains its brilliance and dazzle till eternity. Life is not like that.
You are looking for an excuse to cheat, If not with this guy, it will be another guy. But be rest assured that it will cost you.
As for your much vaunted friendship with this guy, I think you are deluding yourself. The guy is just playing his card right so that he can score an empty net  goal. That is what we men do, to manipulate a woman's emotions.

"As you make your bed, so you must lie on it."
And lastly, " The root of all human suffering lies in the agony of unfullfilled (and unfullfilable)desires."

Hello woman, all the comments above are not too bad. I think u are d one getting it all wrong, see, before u know it, u would have started doing what u don't want to do. PLEASE, stop d friendship ( I mean d fondness), I beg u in God's name so that u don't regret it.

Communication brings commitment.  my elder will always say
 
madam, im afraid u are on your way to making the greatest mistake of your life.
u ve already gone to far, it takes God to for u to go out of this.

The truth is this, you will leave to regreat the rest of your life if u eventualy do this.

janita:

Though am not married but to an extent understand d way u feel. I suggest u examine urself and try to sacrifice a little for your marriage and pray to God to bless your marriage.

Seconded. the key word here is ''sacrifice'', Winona, you are not a slut for feeling that way, it happens everyday, some people feel it and act on it, while some feel it and just let it slide, If your marraige really mean anything to you, you would sacrifice that feeling for your marraige, only because you want it to stand against all odds. It is so normal to feel pretty and wanted by another. But acting on it is another issue entirely. Let it go, and severe the relationship, would be difficult; Especially when the guy is like wondering what wrong he has done for you to treat him that way, he will so be fine.

kobama:

hi me Lady. your situation is quite simple you know. it's simple case of lust and desire. am sure you know for every action is a reaction. action with consequence, sadly not only the players will feel the brunt of these actions. howeva, if you want this man, and you think it's true feelings, go for it and make it work.

Bad advice! This woman has not come-up with any cogent point against her husband and is falling prey to the fact that she spends a lot of time with this other man who is warming his way into her heart (Darn good job of it he's doing too, I would like to give some single lady sleepless nights too).

Now, this is just childish! In fact, one week of strike has been wasted because she ought to have used the period to re-ignite the passion in her marriage. We started work on Tuesday and she cannot sleep on Wednesday at 3am because of this guy and you are advising her to go for him! Where does that leave their spouses? What happens when the infatuation dies out?

A man that can cheat on his wife and encourage you to cheat on your husband even if it is just emotional cannot be trusted at all.

OP, focus on your husband before you totally lose control of yourself!

mutter:

Akwasi- just posted and then read your own post- great minds think alike lol

LOL u r right Mutter. Incredible

Akwasi:

How do u plan to play with fire without being burnt? If the colleague friend is that "charming" and perfect as you paint him to be, why is he flirting with another woman when his wife and children are in the home counting on him? He is using that charm to get you to bed and you will be a bigger slut the day you see yourself on his bed

mutter:

lady Winona,  you feel this relationship is improving your marriage but have you tried asking if the mans wife feels her marriage is improved?
CERTAINLY NOT. I think her marriage would function better if her husband concentrated his feelings and "understanding" on her. When a  man wants a woman he will use the most effective method and this man is doing just that. He sees a woman that has falling into the normal trap in most marriages- neglect and being taken for granted and he has capitalised on it.
You wanted advise from married posters so let this be food for your mind-
A woman who is hurt avoids men. You are not acting out  of pain but some sort of revenge or other motive like- Other men appreciate me etc.
I do but condemn you in any way, these things come up but remember that when you play with fire you get burnt and remember that there are some things when broken that can never be fixed.