Wisdom is profitable to direct. I'm not a very PC guy, as over-PC is just plain foolishness. You can't be "just friends" with everyone.
If you're married, and someone of the opposite sex is making your body/mind act funny, then you can't be "just friends" with the person.

Nobody needs to tell you to handle it like a responsible adult and give him/her space, unless you WANT to do what you've already decided to do and you're just waiting for an excuse, like Eve waiting for the serpent to nudge her forward on what she had already decided to do so she could have someone/something to blame.

Mayflowa:

This was the OP's post in september 2011. As that time, she was away from her matrimonial home. I see! Most women would fall into your shoes. I hope you know that you are no longer having any affection for your husband bust for this stranger that is why you are now able to tolerate your husband's excesses.

Go ahead, divorce your husband before plunging urself into the sh.i.t!

Jeez, i didn't even go through the link, dang thats a lot to go through though.

Well i used to scream divorce divorce divorce in this family section before, before but what i have learnt over the years is that most people come on here because they want to work on their marriage, and according to Winona, her Husband has changed into a better person.

mutter:

OKAY beatings and being sent packing in September 2011 the last time.
Madam when did you meet lover boy and since when has this been going on?
Was that why your husband was beating you?
Abeg late twenties with kids that talk and earning so well, just curious how that works?

There is no justifiable reason whereby an human being should lash out and hit another, moreso a man hitting a much more fragile woman that is pregnant too. And i know a couple of female aged under 25 working in the Oil and Gas sector in Nigeria taking home more than N1M naira monthly oh.

2buff:

Wisdom is profitable to direct. I'm not a very PC guy, as over-PC is just plain foolishness. You can't be "just friends" with everyone.
[size=16pt]If you're married, and someone of the opposite sex is making your body/mind act funny, then you can't be "just friends" with the person.[/size]

Nobody needs to tell you to handle it like a responsible adult and give him/her space, unless you WANT to do what you've already decided to do and you're just waiting for an excuse, like Eve waiting for the serpent to nudge her forward on what she had already decided to do so she could have someone/something to blame.

Hahaha, now this is funny, lol.

See as you take demote and relegate and dismiss that wondrous great thing called LOVE as body and mind acting funny, chai Nigerians and their hilarious ways with words

TTT

big_bumper:

Hahaha, now this is funny, lol.

See as you take demote and relegate and dismiss that wondrous great thing called LOVE as body and mind acting funny, chai Nigerians and their hilarious ways with words

Not exactly. That attribute also points to lust.
Only the saturated "mainstream" mind thinks that any of such reactions automatically = love.
That word is so bastardized now that I'm not sure I'll ever use it.

I'd rather tell someone I love: "I believe in you" than "I love you" because of this fact.

@ileobatojona

If the posted story about the beatings are true, them madam OP, you need to stop fooling yourself and accept that you married a beast and a monster AND flee for your life while you still have it. Abi you want to die because of a man? I already mentioned this in my previous post without knowing the history of him beating you. Who cares what people will say if you divorce, they can go to he.ll. If he went to that extent of strangling you and battering you straight for 1hr, it shows he has no control over his rage. You are lucky you survived that ordeal, you may not survive the next. You don’t need to go to your parents' house because they will pressure you to go back. Stay on your own with the kids. Leave NOW. Sorry, but I have to be blunt.

In the meantime, forget about this office guy. You need to be free of marital commitments and have a clear head before entering another relationship. You shouldn’t leave your husband for another man (for reasons I previously stated), you should leave for yourself.

God be with you.

The highlighted part refers.
When a woman decides to "leave her home", what right does she have to "carry the kids along"?

*Do kids belong to the woman alone?

*Which law states that a woman (especially one who will abandon ship because it hits a rock!) would mind and train the children better, than their father?

*Since life is all about CHOICES, dont / shouldn't the children "have a say" in whose house they wanna stay?

*Moreover, l reckon say the OP is in Naija? Do we have lopsided laws as we have in the West, in Naija, that allows a woman to keep the children to herself simply because she wants out?

*Who says the children will be happy with your new Boyfriend and will want to call him "Daddy"?

I think taking the children along when you decide to leave, is a form of punishment to the other spouse and the kids too!
IF leaving is "your choice", then leave but you aint taking the kids away from the "family home".

Just my thoughts.

Lastpage

BTW: I know this is a contentious issue but l will be happy if we examine "those posers" closely.

OP, where art thou? I hope you are not going to hide. Now, that you have been bombarded with heavy artillery of advice, what do you think? Can you know push your 'friend' away? Can you still stand your husband? Are you willing to work on your marriage? Do you feel better or worse after all of this advice? Were you able to sleep last night unlike the other night when you had to post at 3am?

Stay away from him

When a woman decides to "leave her home", what right does she have to "carry the kids along"?

*Do kids belong to the woman alone?

*Which law states that a woman (especially one who will abandon ship because it hits a rock!) would mind and train the children better, than their father?

*Since life is all about CHOICES, dont / shouldn't the children "have a say" in whose house they wanna stay?

*Moreover, l reckon say the OP is in Naija? Do we have lopsided laws as we have in the West, in Naija, that allows a woman to keep the children to herself simply because she wants out?

*Who says the children will be happy with your new Boyfriend and will want to call him "Daddy"?

I think taking the children along when you decide to leave, is a form of punishment to the other spouse and the kids too!
IF leaving is "your choice", then leave but you aint taking the kids away from the "family home".

In general, both parties need to come to an agreement about what to do with the kids. Practically though, in Naija, I bet the kids will end up with their mothers most times. Taking care of young kids is another level of work, it is hard for many men to do it alone.

You seem to believe the one who leaves automatically should not get the kids. I will disagree with that. In this case her leaving would essentially be akin to running for her life; also, he brutalized her when she was pregnant and strangled her in front of the kids. Not exactly the model father, I’m sorry to say. My vote is for her to take the kids (if she leaves). I’m sorry if this is all too hurtful to the OP. Hope she’s doing alright.

The op didnt ask for advice on her marriage- the advice she wants is about her crush.

@poster
You are very lucky. what else can I say? this is one of the rare occassions when nairalander will give insightful advices to a very delicate situation. I must confess if stick to 10% percent of the advice you have been given, then you might save yourself from the coming destruction. By the way, there is also spiritual implication to what is happening btw you two, and trust me, you can't beat the devil at his game. It has never happen, except it is on another tuff not familiar to him. Please stay clear!

My observation!!!!!! and this is not to raise any sentiments.

SEE HOW MEN BOMBARD THE POSTER, IF IT WAS A MAN THAT CAME ON HERE TO SAY THE SAME NOW, YOU MEN, (to be fair 95%) OF YOU WOULD SAY THAT IT IS NORMAL, THAT MEN ARE ''WIRED'' TO CHEAT. YOU HAVE ALL FORGOTTEN THAT WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS AND HAVE BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH ALL OUR VEINS. WHEN WE ALL START SAYING THE TRUTH TO ONE ANOTHER IRRESPECTIVE OF GENDER, I THINK NIGERIA WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE.

ronkebp:

My observation!!!!!! and this is not to raise any sentiments.

SEE HOW MEN BOMBARD THE POSTER, IF IT WAS A MAN THAT CAME ON HERE TO SAY THE SAME NOW, YOU MEN, (to be fair 95%) OF YOU WOULD SAY THAT IT IS NORMAL, THAT MEN ARE ''WIRED'' TO CHEAT. YOU HAVE ALL FORGOTTEN THAT WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS AND HAVE BLOOD RUNNING THROUGH ALL OUR VEINS. WHEN WE ALL START SAYING THE TRUTH TO ONE ANOTHER IRRESPECTIVE OF GENDER, I THINK NIGERIA WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE.

very true indeed

You should not even speak to this man anymore. It has passed the stage of drawing a line. There are already feelings involved. Change your phone number and ask him not to try to contact you. I would even go as far as to say quit your job. You are playing with fire

maclatunji:

OP, where art thou? I hope you are not going to hide. Now, that you have been bombarded with heavy artillery of advice, what do you think? Can you know push your 'friend' away? Can you still stand your husband? Are you willing to work on your marriage? Do you feel better or worse after all of this advice? Were you able to sleep last night unlike the other night when you had to post at 3am?

I am here. Being here the whole time reading your comments which has helped me in making up my mind. I must confess though that I was a bit surprised someone dredged up my past. Yes, it was a traumatic period, one I wouldn't wish for any woman out there, but I'm glad to say that all that is behind us now. I hadn't wanted to say anything more hoping my thread will fizzle away but I can see that is not happening. Want to thank you all so much for your time and input since it has really opened up my mind to the true situation of things. Thank you

Winona, since life is good with him now, stay away from the other one. dont pour sand into your garri. be careful and stay well.

Lady Winona:

I am here. Being here the whole time reading your comments which has helped me in making up my mind. I must confess though that I was a bit surprised someone dredged up my past. Yes, it was a traumatic period, one I wouldn't wish for any woman out there, but I'm glad to say that all that is behind us now. I hadn't wanted to say anything more hoping my thread will fizzle away but I can see that is not happening. Want to thank you all so much for your time and input since it has really opened up my mind to the true situation of things. Thank you

@Lady Winona Of course, you were reading. You created a very hot topic that got many people to register. I wish you the best and hope your marriage will be happy and one day look back and laugh really hard at this thread!

maclatunji:

@Lady Winona Of course, you were reading. You created a very hot topic that got many people to register. I wish you the best and hope your marriage will be happy and one day look back and laugh really hard at this thread!

Lol. That is my prayer too and thanks.

one I wouldn't wish for any woman out there, but I'm glad to say that all that is behind us now

Good for you both. All the best, and keep your wits about you.

You created a very hot topic that got many people to register

lol maclatunji. Long time lurker here, but couldn’t resist this topic,

@ileobatojo, I estimate that for every 1 registered user of Nairaland, there are 4 'lurkers'. These 'lurkers' know active posters a lot more than we can imagine but some of us seem not to realize that!

You seem to believe the one who leaves automatically should not get the kids. I will disagree with that. In this case her leaving would essentially be akin to running for her life; also, he brutalized her when she was pregnant and strangled her in front of the kids. Not exactly the model father, I’m sorry to say. My vote is for her to take the kids (if she leaves). I’m sorry if this is all too hurtful to the OP. Hope she’s doing alright.

The family has "A Home" where the kids are raised and used to.
This is where they have their friends, their school and are quite settled in that place.

If your spouse did not "ask you to leave" (there is a world of difference between being asked to live, probably by a court order from your spouse, and leaving of your own volition) and you decide to leave, it is your choice, NOT THE CHILDREN"S CHOICE! Just leave.

Taking the children along, apart from dislocating the children's life, is also traumatic to your spouse! (male or female)

Again, leaving the children behind leaves "the door open" for a probable reconciliation as you will need to visit and perform your parental duties to those kids. Hopefully along the way, both parties will realize where they went wrong and use the kids "as an excuse" to make up!

Like a popular cliche says, [size=14pt]"If you decide to leave, its not wise to close the door after yourself"![/size] The KEY, might just be on the other side!

Lastpage!

@Lady winona

I am here. Being here the whole time reading your comments which has helped me in making up my mind. I must confess though that I was a bit surprised someone dredged up my past. Yes, it was a traumatic period, one I wouldn't wish for any woman out there, but I'm glad to say that all that is behind us now. I hadn't wanted to say anything more hoping my thread will fizzle away but I can see that is not happening. Want to thank you all so much for your time and input since it has really opened up my mind to the true situation of things. Thank you

@OP, l read your last response but l could not decipher the "hidden message" inside!

What IS YOUR CONCLUSION AT THIS POINT?

To flirt or to remain faithful?
Just tell me in one single line please!

Eesu o ni'lowa O! (May we not be an instrument of the Devil!) Amen.

Lastpage!

Lady Winona:

Lol. That is my prayer too and thanks.

Now thats what we want to see, more laughter from you. You are not a slut, otherwise your conscience would not have hauled you before the ever-judgemental, ever-critical Nairaland court and you would have just chopped and clean mouth. So oh ye brave and courageous Lady Winona, hold your heads up high.

You know what as well, you could have come here saying he beat me whilst pregnant . . .but you didn't, you are a good person and a selfless person and i pray God dry your tears and take away all your painful past memories

chaircover:

Now you see the dilemma.

I have a number of friends who are going through hell with their partners but nothing you tell them makes any sense to them. I have come to realize over the years that a woman will only leave when she is truly ready and strong enough to (its a personal thing and we all have different thresholds) and as a friend all you can do is to support them and be there for them if they have told you that they have chosen to stay and try and make it work or they give you a thousand reasons why they think that they should stay.

From experience, some of these marriages get better and some get worse; it’s difficult to predict which one will get better or which one will get worse so one just has to be there for ones friend whichever way it pans out.

Na so we see am oh Alaga Chaircover, back in the days women didn't have no choice, but these liasons took a lot of planning and travelling back and forth, but nowadays despite the awareness, technology has made things worse. Now it takes minutes to arrange these sexual liasons cos all the dude has to do is click on a lady's link on facebook, say a few nice words, swap numbers with her, book an hotel room or call one of his friends to pretend they live together and take the lady there. . . unbeknown to th e hapless lady that na married man.

And these men even those who beat women are refusing to relent because they ask themselves "our parents too did the same, and our mothers too went through similar, unbeknown to them that now things are no longer done under the guise of darkness and Mama Sikira must not catch me oh. . .and from travelling out and from technology us naija women are now more aware that this is not the norm elsewhere in the world and we have some rights too. . .

And when i say marriage is an obsolete institution, they think I'm crazy. . .

2buff:

Not exactly. That attribute also points to lust.
Only the saturated "mainstream" mind thinks that any of such reactions automatically = love.
That word is so bastardized now that I'm not sure I'll ever use it.

I'd rather tell someone I love: "I believe in you" than "I love you" because of this fact.

i believe in you ke, hehehe

Here's a perfect definition of the enigmatic word LOVE culled from here. I will also post the best POEM ever on the subject which I think best describes it and will subsequently try to explain this.

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-289440.0.html#msg4104965

No2Atheism:
ove does not change
Lust changes
intimate attraction changes

Love does not fade
Lust fades
intimate attraction fades


Hence why u love your father, mother, siblings even if though u not sexually attracted to them normally (for a normal family).
Hence why u love your wife even if she is starting to look like a cow that makes her unattractive sexually.
Hence why u love your husband even if he is starting to look like a slob that causes him to become unattractive sexually.

Contrary to popular opinion, you do not choose to love. The truth is that Love grows on you towards someone with time, hence why i find it annoying wen guys and ladies talk rubbish by saying they love each other or wen they say there is love at first sight. That is bullshit.

You can't love someone immediately.

Love takes time to grow.
Once love for the person develops it would always be there, even if u no longer attracted to them sexually.

It is intimate attraction and lust that fades if its not nurtured.

People let us understand that it is fundamentally wrong for us to say that love fades. This is because a very good example is the love between a father and a child. It never fades irrespective of circumstances and issues. Hence why they say love coverth all sins (if it fades as people wrongly assume then it means the sins would one day become exposed). Hence why they say blood is thicker than water. This is because the fundamental love between the father towards the child and the child towards the father transcends issues of lust or attraction or circumstance.

A mother would still love her child even if such a child was convicted for murder. that is love

There is nothing like motherly love.
There is nothing like fatherly love.
There is nothing like Man and Wife love.

The love is basically the same in all cases , the only difference is how it is expressed (e.g. it is expressed in the form of sex between the man and the woman as a result of the presence of intimate attraction and lust, thus why u find that even though some old couples no longer Be Intimate wtih each other yet they completely love each other, that simple shows u that though the sex and lust might have faded, yet the love still remains).

Hence in final submission,

TRUE LOVE DOES NOT FADE.

THE RISK OF LOVE - Kris Hydmore

here is a risk involved in everything
Every time you share a smile
Every time you shed a tear
You are opening yourself up to hurt.

Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the risk closeness brings,
Side-stepping the things they can't understand
Turning away from those who care too much,
Those who care stay too long,
Those who hold too tightly.

There is never an easy way to love
You can not approach it cautiously
It will not wait for you to arm yourself.
It does not care if you turn away
It is everywhere, it is everything.

Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic
It is unprejudiced and unmerciliess.
It strikes the strongest of mind,
And brings them to their knees in one blow.

Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.

The risk of love never depletes;
It grows stronger and more dangerous with time.
But, it's in the total surrender of all defense,
That we, no matter weak or strong,
No matter willing or captive,
No matter what, we truly experience love.

Despite the many things love is not,
Outweighing it all are the things that love is.
Love is surrender without a loss.
It is a gift without the cost.
It consumes your every thought & desire,
Every breath you take.
It is the fire that fuels you
To do more than pass through life;
It urges you, instead, to live.

No matter the outcome, having felt love,
You will never be the same.
It may scar your heart & soul
And Leave you only memories of forever.
Or, it may cause every day of your life
To feel like there is no need for tomorrow.
But, love is worth it. It is worth the risk,

For in all of life,
Love is truly the only risk worth taking.

Awwwwww, but leave that thing. Too much fake love in town these days.

harakiri:

And when i say marriage is an obsolete institution, they think I'm crazy. . .

No it is not. don't give up hope, you just gotta find the right babe

Ever since I joined Nairaland, this is the most interesting topic I have viewed. All the people that responded including the poster are sharp witted. Henceforth, I will be contributing. @OP, an Igbo adage goes; 'nwoke na nwanyi anaghi akpa ori' meaning that man and women cannot be playing for notting. Ever since I got married, I have never thought of cheating on my wife but one day, an ex babe came to Lagos and called me to help her get food from a restaurant and food in the hotel she lodged was very expensive. When I got there, I couldn't place it but we nearly made love if not that she got herself and pointed towards my wedding ring. Immediately, I became ashamed of myself. My advice is that you should flee from that man before it gets out of hand.

Thanks. I have since fled from him. I had realized that it wasn't worth it and contrary to what I had believed earlier on that we cld just be friends, it turned out that what most people had said here was absolutely correct and that it can never be. I never came back to thank everybody for the advice and for that I apologize cos u all were so right. Thank you.

yw good for you

Fake story.. This is the same person as mommydearest..