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Married But Fond Of Another Man - Family - Nairaland

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Married But Fond Of Another Man by LadyWinona: 3:09am On Jan 18, 2012
I didn't expect this to happen. I have heard that it does happen but I never thought it could happen to me. I won't say my marriage is perfect, in truth, it is far from it and we are still trying to make it work but in between all of that, I never knew how much I missed being paid attention to, until I met this colleague of mine at work. Now, I am not doing anything amoral with him, but I find myself getting increasingly fond of him and him of me. He is married as well and we both are aware that we can't afford to hurt people around us, still, we cannot help but see each other everyday, no matter how little the time. We talk as friends do but we need not even do that as staying in each other's presence is enough to make me feel content and happy. I do not want to break up anyone's marriage and neither do I want to give up on mine. I just want to know from married people in the house who are older and more experienced than I am whether it's ok to have a close friend that you have feelings for, but not willing to cross the line but just to have him as close to u as u can just for the sheer fact he makes you happy. To dissuade myself from any feelings of guilt, I have made efforts to have him visit my family with his wife, I have equally told my husband about him and I just want to know whether I'm getting it right or just in denial. I am ranting but I couldn't sleep and needed to get this out there so that you all can help me deliberate on this and help me make up my mind. Thank you for your understanding
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by jennykadry(f): 3:50am On Jan 18, 2012
You both are sick, where is your conscience? If YOU REALLY THINK IT IS OKAY, WHY ARE YU HERE ASKING US?

You are both married, I'm guessing he's got kids, leave him and his family alone and concentrate on yours, him likewise.

You are infatuated And believe me, you are going to cross the line if you dont stay away. How dare you even consider inviting him over?

Madam I'm sorry for underestimating how sick you really are.
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by moremi2008(m): 6:10am On Jan 18, 2012
Na wa oh, Lady Winona! Please, stop playing with fire. Why dance at the edge of a frying pan because it's fun and exciting? This is how disaster starts; a little sleep, a little slumber, and before you know it, both your families are thrown into disarray. You need to tell him to stop it! You marriage is worth saving. Go and report yourself to your pastor's wife if you can't handle the lust anymore.
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by gendebs(m): 6:38am On Jan 18, 2012
woman i smell adultry, you need to zero ur mind off dis guy. d earlier d Better
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by LadyWinona: 6:56am On Jan 18, 2012
Wow! Woke up to read what I deem to be harsh replies but nevertheless, I appreciate your opinions and thank u all for making them. I don't think I'll ever sleep with this guy and contrary to what you all might think, it is not just going to happen. We don't discuss feelings or anything considered inappropriate, again I'll not allow that. We were just friends b4 this feeling of fondness developed. Ab initio, I was already happy having him around and discussing with him since he has a gift of really defusing any tense situation or bringing out one from a poor mood with his sensitivity, quick wit and sense of humor. Again, I'm not trying to defend my actions or anything because that is not y I am here else I wouldn't have posted the above if that was my intention. I just want to disabuse the minds of all who scream Adultery here and would want to know again, if it is RIGHT in every sense of it to be effectively friends with someone u know u re getting fond of but have no intention of crossing the moral line with both in intimate act or in speech. Getting him to know my family and me his, is just a way of throwing it out in the open instead of been all secretive like one with already preformed intentions or guilt. I feel I'm already talking much but hope I have impressed all that I want to say for future commentaries. Thank u. Also, I will very much appreciate it if only married couples can comment, I say this because I believe they will be more sensitive and understanding and if it is possible, less abusive. Again, thank u.
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by nnamod(m): 8:05am On Jan 18, 2012
Hi, I do sympathise with you. I am a married man and i think is is only fitting that only people sensitive in this matter comment. I know how downright rude and judgemental many a many Nigerians are and hypocrites. I believe its a period in your relationship with your partner that's opened a vacum i your feelings. It will pass as soon as you start to see the things that got you to say yes I do to him in the first place. The tension in your relationship is what leads you to the comfort of your male colleague and as we know, a fragile heart is a ticking bomb. I experienced this once because I am married to a foreigner and cultural differences strained our marriage, a similar scenario to yours played and I will admit that I strayed once. In the ensuing chaos we found the beginning, we Talked. I suggest you Talk to your spouse and find your fire and spark. It might take a while but its there. That's why you married him in the first place smiley

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Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by nnamod(m): 8:09am On Jan 18, 2012
And about the guilt its always there. You can have a guy as a close friend as long as the friendship is defined and clear to both parties, no misleading or misunderstanding. Send the right vibes or risk loosing someone dear to you smiley
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by ifyalways(f): 8:10am On Jan 18, 2012
^You intentions are noble but for how long wud it stay that way?
The fondness and closeness is a red flag.Plua we women are overtly emotional beings.

You might not know,cant predict when or how it happened but you'll soon see yourself comparing him to ur hubby.You are seeing him now as just another dude but if you don't slam urself back to reality you wud soon be noticing his abs,long legs etal.

Chemistry blossoms to fantasy,the goofy smiles,long talks and standing a little too close might develop to a crush and soon discussing abt the weather and work wud become telling each other everything.and(heavens forbid) any slight misunderstanding popsup btw u and urs,he'll offer u a shoulder to cry on(ofcourse you'd tell him or he'd notice it eitherways) . . .you know what they say about handshakes getting to the elbow?

This relationship has many Cons than Pro(if any) and IMO you wud be better off without it.
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by ifyalways(f): 8:16am On Jan 18, 2012
Ooops,my post above was meant for the OP.

Nnamod is right on point too.Find a way to get close body and soul to your husband.He should be your best friend,play mate and biggest buddy.Engage in activities/hobbies that u both have a passion for,open the communication lines.
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by chaircover: 8:30am On Jan 18, 2012
DSWER
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by nnamod(m): 8:40am On Jan 18, 2012
CHAIRCOVER IT IS DEFINITELY OT AS EASY AS YOU MAKE IT SOUND:: Read between the lines and dint be so shallow with your prudent responce. I would like to know how perfect and great your life is with your pragmatic approach, hmmmmmmmm On a second thought I do not want to know. keep your Holier than thou life to yourself.

1 Like

Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by LadyWinona: 8:41am On Jan 18, 2012
@nnamod and ifyalways, thank u. I feel so much better. Already, I ve tried to reduce our communication to an acceptable limit. I knw the feeling will go with time, I just don't know when. In a weird way, my relationship with my husband is very much improved cos of this. I'll explain further. Before I got to meet this guy, I was mostly bitter about all the hurt I had experienced with my husband and frankly, I had no hope that things will ever get better believing the same old issues will repeat itself with time. I have since changed my attitude and if I can find it in me to be happy in another person, then it is possible to find happiness in my husband. I wouldn't ve had this mind frame if I hadn't met my colleague. That is y I am reluctant to let go of our friendship since it's almost therapeutic and will only resort to that if it is going to jeopardize the unity of my family.

2 Likes

Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by LadyWinona: 8:46am On Jan 18, 2012
@chaircover, got to see ur comments after I had sent mine and you are right in some aspects especially in reducing the communication aspect. Getting to be best friends with my husband is my ultimate goal, and it is my prayer we get there, but I also don't want to lose my friendship with my colleague at work just because I can't rein in my feelings which I'm sure with time will sort itself out, hopefully
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by nnamod(m): 8:49am On Jan 18, 2012
Great to read Winona, as long as you know where your heart is you will find peace. Keep getting closer to your man and I hope you wont be needing any more therapys wink I will keep checking this thread. be good smiley
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by chaircover: 8:52am On Jan 18, 2012
QAZS
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by nnamod(m): 8:58am On Jan 18, 2012
@Chaircover, I might sound rude when I say you have the emotional range of a toothpick. Do explain "Grabbing the bull by the horn" in this context. I do not mean to make a feud with you. It is not a crime to have a male friend as long as it is well defined and with limits. If he makes her relaxed and see things in perspective then its good for them. Who knows he might be having a similar problem as she does. Bottom line is they are adults and things will work itself out. I know this cos I have been there, have you?

1 Like

Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by chaircover: 9:01am On Jan 18, 2012
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by nnamod(m): 9:07am On Jan 18, 2012
Apologies Chaircover. Really did not mean to insult. Its a bit hard to contain feelings when you make light of the subject.
A more subtle approach would be welcome.
Peace smiley
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by Mayflowa(m): 9:24am On Jan 18, 2012
^You intentions are noble but for how long wud it stay that way?
The fondness and closeness is a red flag.Plua we women are overtly emotional beings.

You might not know,cant predict when or how it happened but you'll soon see yourself comparing him to your hubby.You are seeing him now as just another dude but if you don't slam urself back to reality you wud soon be noticing his abs,long legs etal.

Chemistry blossoms to fantasy,the goofy smiles,long talks and standing a little too close might develop to a crush and soon discussing abt the weather and work wud become telling each other everything.and(heavens forbid) any slight misunderstanding popsup btw u and urs,he'll offer u a shoulder to cry on(ofcourse you'd tell him or he'd notice it eitherways) . . .you know what they say about handshakes getting to the elbow?

This relationship has many Cons than Pro(if any) and IMO you wud be better off without it.

Ifyalways! you are just a good woman. Only a mother and God would give the sorta admonition and advice. That man is just taking advantage of her knowing fully where it will end. Bedroom of course! Let him go be the superhero husband and dad! He has taken it too far. He is a subtle seducer but OP will never know
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by chaircover: 9:27am On Jan 18, 2012
YESW
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by nnamod(m): 9:43am On Jan 18, 2012
Well Chaircover that's a good point at that. I admit that I am seeing from my side (as a man) thus blindsided to your perspective. True there are men who would want to take advantage of her vulnerability, and if she had shared her troubles with him then you might say he has the ace in his hands. HOWEVER, no matter how things play I believe Winona holds the key and decides. True, That's why in my first post I suggested she talk with her man.
Nice girly feel to this post. Wished there were guys to weigh in and help balance the discussion/counsel.

Cheers ladies and good morning from the land of the pirates smiley
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by LadyWinona: 9:55am On Jan 18, 2012
Oh well, I guess I needed this. It did occur to me he might be taking advantage of me. I had multitude of doubts which I tried expressing to him and he answered by saying he will never take advantage of me and that I needed to relax and stop over worrying. Hearing u all repeat the same fears that I once had has brought all those doubts back which I had thought was already addressed. I just wish it were all so simple. This is all so complex
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by bigbumper(f): 10:02am On Jan 18, 2012
Lady Winona:

@nnamod and ifyalways, thank u. I feel so much better. Already, I ve tried to reduce our communication to an acceptable limit. I knw the feeling will go with time, I just don't know when. In a weird way, my relationship with my husband is very much improved cos of this. I'll explain further. Before I got to meet this guy, I was mostly bitter about all the hurt I had experienced with my husband and frankly, I had no hope that things will ever get better believing the same old issues will repeat itself with time. I have since changed my attitude and if I can find it in me to be happy in another person, then it is possible to find happiness in my husband. I wouldn't ve had this mind frame if I hadn't met my colleague. That is y I am reluctant to let go of our friendship since it's almost therapeutic and will only resort to that if it is going to jeopardize the unity of my family.


Ha, i see what you are driving at now, you are now fonder(sic) of your Husband and things have changed for the better so all you are now looking for is means of repaying this colleague's gratitude, which unbeknown to you is a dangerous slippery slope to be on.

MissyB's seasons quote is apt for this, will be back with the link.


NB: If ever there was one single downright rude comment on this thread, it was yours, what do you mean only married people should comment, is it everyone that wants to marry? Is there some sort of medal for married woman ni? Do you know how many single people could give married women a run for their money, especially the atypical married doormat sheep of a naija woman who has traded their soul just to be called "Mrs Somebody" lipsrsealed Sofry sofry oh.

Will be back with Missy's quote. And how did he take advantage of you? He put rope for your neck abi? Don't you know men have feelings too and he too could have been struggling and battling his own emotions? The man has played his positive role in your life, cut him off.
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by LadyWinona: 10:19am On Jan 18, 2012
big_bumper:


Ha, i see what you are driving at now, you are now fonder(sic) of your Husband and things have changed for the better so all you are now looking for is means of repaying this colleague's gratitude, which unbeknown to you is a dangerous slippery slope to be on.

MissyB's seasons quote is apt for this, will be back with the link.


NB: If ever there was one single downright rude comment on this thread, it was yours, what do you mean only married people should comment, is it everyone that wants to marry? Is there some sort of medal for married woman ni? Do you know how many single people could give married women a run for their money, especially the atypical married doormat sheep of a naija woman who has traded their soul just to be called "Mrs Somebody" lipsrsealed Sofry sofry oh.

Will be back with Missy's quote. And how did he take advantage of you? He put rope for your neck abi? Don't you know men have feelings too and he too could have been struggling and battling his own emotions? The man has played his positive role in your life, cut him off.
I do not want to cut him off and yes I know he has feelings too which I am also not trying to take advantage off. We have already discussed this but however good our intentions are, I only wonder if it is enough. It wasn't my intention to be rude when I asked for opinions from only married couple. I only wanted some sense of decorum in my thread and if u noticed, the replies I have gotten so far are all mundane and softly said. I am more inclined to pay attention that way and not to verbal insults n expletives. You know what, I have learnt a lot from you all by seeing that however well we mean, it can still lead to something else esp when we re vulnerable. I will work more on my marriage to see it never gets there and moreso work on not relying on my colleague for every ounce of happiness I have. It was nice talking to you all. Bye
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by bigbumper(f): 10:28am On Jan 18, 2012
Lady Winona:

I do not want to cut him off and yes I know he has feelings too which I am also not trying to take advantage off. We have already discussed this but however good our intentions are, I only wonder if it is enough. It wasn't my intention to be rude when I asked for opinions from only married couple. I only wanted some sense of decorum in my thread and if u noticed, the replies I have gotten so far are all mundane and softly said. I am more inclined to pay attention that way and not to verbal insults n expletives. You know what, I have learnt a lot from you all by seeing that however well we mean, it can still lead to something else esp when we re vulnerable. I will work more on my marriage to see it never gets there and moreso work on not relying on my colleague for every ounce of happiness I have. It was nice talking to you all. Bye


Wasn't my intention to call you out, just utilsing my human right to use myself as a human firewall so single people with constructive advice wouldn't start feeling bitter about the hierarchy friction that constantly happens between married and non married women, and wanna lash out at you wink


Here is the link I was referring to earlier. It is all in MissyB and Thecongo's post. Hope it makes sense to you.

http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-466065.0.html#msg6251233


[Size=16pt]
TheCongo:

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.


MissyB:
Some time ago, I was trynna understand a particular situation, I wanted to understand why 2 people who seem to be compatible and inseparable would slowly drift apart. I thought here and there, asked maself different questions and I came to ma own conclusion, which seems to be the best explanation for it :
''For everyone that comes into Your life [No matter how much time they spend], there's a purpose - Either to teach You sum'n' or to learn sum'n', to give You sum'n' or to take sum'n' - and when this purpose is  fulfilled, they go and I should learn to let them go, because they've completed their assignment. If I try to hold them much longer than they ought to stay, I might just be creating blights I can't handle'' .
It has worked for me and it's nice to know someone shares a similar thought.


Beautiful story!!!
[/size]
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by LadyWinona: 10:40am On Jan 18, 2012
Ok then. Didn't knw it sounded that way. I guess I have to develop a different mindset since it has always been my opinion that most single girls see things concerning marraige as either black or white, I would know since I thought that way too back when I was single which by the way was not too long ago. I am still in my twenties. Going into marriage has tot me a degree of tolerance I never knew I possessed. Concerning this issue involving my colleague, back when I was single, I wldnt have given it a second thought. I would have ended the relationship believing it to be wrong, now, I want to keep this man as a friend believing him to be good at heart and of positive influence in my life. The aspect of having feelings was just something I felt that marred this otherwise beautiful relationship and just needed it to be discussed to aid form my opinion
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by nnamod(m): 10:45am On Jan 18, 2012
Cheers all. Hope it pans out well for you. Take care chaircover and well meaning people. should any of you lot need help (male or female) or someone to talk to you can email me at Ulemet@yahoo.com, and dont fret I am far from Nigeria and just looking to reconnect with mell meaning people. I joined this site yesterday to meet cool fellows.

peace and love smiley
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by maclatunji: 10:59am On Jan 18, 2012
Lady Winona:

I do not want to cut him off and yes I know he has feelings too which I am also not trying to take advantage off. We have already discussed this but however good our intentions are, I only wonder if it is enough. It wasn't my intention to be rude when I asked for opinions from only married couple. I only wanted some sense of decorum in my thread and if u noticed, the replies I have gotten so far are all mundane and softly said. I am more inclined to pay attention that way and not to verbal insults n expletives. You know what, I have learnt a lot from you all by seeing that however well we mean, it can still lead to something else esp when we re vulnerable. I will work more on my marriage to see it never gets there and moreso work on not relying on my colleague for every ounce of happiness I have. It was nice talking to you all. Bye

So you think you can just run-off like that? Well, it is not going to happen. Ifyalways and Chaircover I think have nailed it in terms of what you need to do. Unfortunately, I think you are unwilling to do it- although you say you want to. Please take their advice, even if it means getting a transfer.

As a single person, I have had to limit online interactions with single ladies who have great personalities and in general terms are good people because I know that if we continue- emotional bonding will follow which is not fair to them in particular because I don't see them as 'The One' I want as a wife and don't intend to 'Philander'.

If I as a single fully-blooded young man can do that with attractive young women that I have never met physically, it is close to being a crime that you as a married woman are getting emotionally attached to a married man you can see, hear and probably feel (I guess the first thing you usually do is to shake hands when you meet). I hope you see my point here!

As for other people, I think men in particular forget about the emotional needs of their wives. It is not just about sex- there should be times when you just cuddle your wife and listen to her tell you her dreams, hopes and fears. Some of those things she says may seem silly to you at that point but you just want her to express herself and feel that even if a Tomahawk Cruise Missile was heading for her, you would be there to protect her.

Married couples should create bonding-time for each other so that they don't end-up like Lady Winona and her 'Friend'.
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by bigbumper(f): 11:20am On Jan 18, 2012
Lady Winona:

Ok then. Didn't knw it sounded that way. I guess I have to develop a different mindset since it has always been my opinion that most single girls see things concerning marraige as either black or white, I would know since I thought that way too back when I was single which by the way was not too long ago. I am still in my twenties. Going into marriage has tot me a degree of tolerance I never knew I possessed. Concerning this issue involving my colleague, back when I was single, I wldnt have given it a second thought. I would have ended the relationship believing it to be wrong, now, I want to keep this man as a friend believing him to be good at heart and of positive influence in my life. The aspect of having feelings was just something I felt that marred this otherwise beautiful relationship and just needed it to be discussed to aid form my opinion


No hard feelings honestly.

Moving on, according to you, you have reduced communication with this dude. Now ask yourself this question genuinely - "WHY DID YOU REALLY OPEN THIS THREAD"?

Wanna know why? Your Darling hubby hurt you in the past which you found hard to forgive until this Angel Gabu in shining armour (your colleague) came with his magic wand to offer you succour and "unwittingly" helped  you restore your marriage to what it used to be. BUT this is what your conscious part thinks. But what you are failing to grasp is your subconscious psyche at play here which led to you opening this thread - a part of you resents or will soon start resenting your Hubby again because if you continue to have anything to do with this Angel Gabu, you would start comparing him to your Hubby "again" and then start unwittingly hating your Hubby thinking of him as less than a man, that it took another man to help you get over the hurt he originally caused you. . .  

FOR YOU TO BE BRAVE ENOUGH TO COME OUT TO OPEN THIS THREAD, YOU ARE NOT EMOTIONALLY STRONG ENOUGH TO CONTINUE TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THiS BOBO OH. Plus the guy might be emotionally less stronger than you. Na just one second is all it takes for a stolen kiss or a quick grope in the office cabinet or toilet oh, heck a quickie full intimacy session sef nor dey take more than 2 mins oh cheesy  

Re your colleague, anyone could have done what he did to help your marriage without the boundaries of this STRONG EMOTION that has brought many grown men to their knees - called love. This is the reason you need to flee as fast as your legs can carry you, just like the Bible indicated and stop playing with fire. Since everything is now rosy and hunkydory with your darling Hubby on his best behaviour, and you are still on a soul-searching mission to justify reasons to keep your knight in shining armour on speed dial, "YOU" ARE THE ISSUE HERE AND YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOURSELF AND WHAT IT IS THAT YOU ARE REALLY CRAVING. It is well.
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by HISchild: 12:47pm On Jan 18, 2012
@op, pray that GOD takes you from that situation, believe me, there are consequences. You are married for better or for worse, until death do you part. You made vows to GOD, before witnesses. Humbly, stay in the word of GOD and in prayer.

Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” - Hebrews 13:4
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by richy5(m): 12:59pm On Jan 18, 2012
its not new,
Re: Married But Fond Of Another Man by Siena(m): 1:00pm On Jan 18, 2012
Guys, no need to get abusive. This is a topic for debate, which is what discussion boards are all about.

Winona, your feelings may well be inappropriate, but you've done the right thing, conveying your feelings to your husband. It's a natural human trait to appreciate the seemingly unattainable. I bet if you were single (or the other guy was) your feelings would most likely be different. Because he was available.

Just don't act upon your feelings, and it may be a good idea to keep some distance between yourself and this guy, because it's all too easy to act upon a forbidden relationship. Sometimes the element of risk is attractive, you need to question yourself - would your feelings for this guy be the same if you were both single? Do you feel neglected by your husband? If you do feel neglected, then you really need to talk to your hubby, and work upon what's missing.

Good luck
!

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