I am an AA woman, who helped her Igbo friend stay in US by getting married to him, We have fallen in love. I have 2 boys in a previous relationship with whom their dad has passed,   Anyhow, I have prayed for years for God to send me a wonderful man, and never expecting to fall deeply for my friend bc the marriage was based on just helping him, well I did. and now I loooooooooove this man with all my heart,and I do feel he loves me as well ,  based on his actions towards  my twin boys and I. But there is this obstacle, he is the first son, and his uncle is chief of his village, so he recently told me the news that his family has asked him to marry a Nigerian woman. His father passed when he was young but I have spoken with his mom and sisters over the phone several times,one of which I've had the pleasure to meet personally. I love his family,he says his mom is okay with the marriage,  I am learning his language now, and trying to get help with learning the culture. But I'm afraid,things will end in heartbreak, because of the family chief issue, he says they have picked out a wife for him, but he has not spoken to her in years,  Please help, is there anything I can do,to make things easier on him, or the family, are there any major traditions I should learn.I am begging,Please help,  any igbo/West African  friends , My family thinks negative about the whole situation, But I love him so much

i dont get your story:
- have they picked a wife YEARS ago or just now? why did they SUDDENLY ask him to marry her, why didnt he marry her before? you story sounds like the typical marry for paper story. he now wants to marry his wife back home to bring her over.

i suggest you check very carefully, to make sure that this man feels the same way about you, which i doubt seriously!
the marriage is for papers and nothing else, that was the deal. you are now trying to change the deal.

@ JK10616:

The thing is this, you were aware from the outset that he only married you for papers, why are you now expecting genuine love.
This guy clearly has a wife who lives in Nigeria and I suspect he married her before he married you. The guy’s ‘proper’ wife (i.e. the wife he married traditionally/the one all of the family/extended family are aware of) has been patiently waiting for him (and may even have his kids) and now he has finally made it possible for her to come to America so that they can finally live as husband and wife.
Now I am not saying that he has not developed feelings for you because he possibly has. However, it is clearly not love because his main focus is on the woman in Nigeria, so much so that he has decided to come up with this Chief story to get out of the ‘relationship’ he has with you.
To be honest there is nothing you can really do about it. If it was me, I wouldn’t bother learning the Igbo tradition etc.
When an Igbo man marries a woman traditionally, that is his wife effectively for life, as an Igbo woman I know Igbos don’t divorce anyhow.

Well,I am aware that this could possibly be the case and told him on several occasions that if this is the case that, this is fine with me. I don't mind helping him, Didn't ask for money or anything and his family. He is a decent friend and has plenty potential to do more in life and I just wanted to help him, It was not me who initiated the love factor at all, I was strictly glued to helping out a friend, you know, It is him who is saying all this love stuff, and showing deep affection, I am a woman with friends who have waited 10 years for their husbands,I know that could be a possibility, I am keeping my eyes open, BUt that would be real crazy if he pops up with a wife and kids,Because l am really really helping him, and I'm really cool and laid back about the whole situation, I love him enough to want to see him happy. If he has a wife and kids back home, I would encourage him to do right by them,and even continue to help him get on his feet, But somehow I highly doubt this is the situation, but I could be wrong, just praying on the situation though, God is Almighty.who knows,I may be giving a testimony on nairaland soon, I appreciate all the advice.

Let's get a clearer picture. Are you and him living together in the same house? Has he gotten his papers? Does the "love stuff" involve lovemaking?

Lebiggestfool, did they banned your name? 

MRbrownJAY:

i dont get your story:
- have they picked a wife YEARS ago or just now? why did they SUDDENLY ask him to marry her, why didnt he marry her before? you story sounds like the typical marry for paper story. he now wants to marry his wife back home to bring her over.

i suggest you check very carefully, to make sure that this man feels the same way about you, which i doubt seriously!
the marriage is for papers and nothing else, that was the deal. you are now trying to change the deal.

Come on bruh!  You already know who OP is!     

I was done after OP said the mother was cool with the marriage and YET found him a Nigerian wife. If the mother was EVER cool with the marriage, she will not do anything to break up a marriage even if the wife isn't Nigerian. A sensible mother would persuade the son to come back home with the wife and train the wife according to Igbo customs depending on religions.

^^i guess the OP has a hard time accepting the hard truth. . . . . . . . . . . . but i have no idea who that OP is.

MRBrownJ:

^^i guess the OP has a hard time accepting the hard truth. . . . . . . . . . . . but i have no idea who that OP is.

Many of them don't nor want to accept the hard truth on both sides. As I have said before not all African men are deceptive/liars and not all non-African women are gullible/dumb/slow/desperate, but it is hard to disbelieve when you have too many threads popping up all over the site similar to this and others.

mshew, the man found his way to america people helped him progress his life there, got himself together and now some random uncle from village umohahia wants to call him back for nonsense? did he pay for his tickets?

mshew- if he loves you he will stay- if he doesnt he will go, i suggest you let him!

^^ on point.

@OP, the chief thing is a ruse, IMO. He is not the chief, if I understand correctly, his uncle is, so how does that affect anything? Besides, it is a chieftaincy and not a kingship, right? Then that is not transferable. Even if it was, is his uncle without sons? The bottom line though is that chieftaincy is not transferable. Everyone earns his right to be called a chief. Hence it is not like he's being forced to have a Nigerian wife because he's next in line to a throne.

My point is I don't think he's being entirely honest with you. Good thing you did what you did for him without expecting any rewards. But since you both have already 'crossed the line', you may want to ask him to help you understand better and let you know for sure whether he wants to go ahead with this 'arranged' marriage so you can start putting yourself back together forthwith.

Goodluck.

This is a typical story. The guy does not want to break your heart by telling you that he wants to leave you and so he brings up this chief thing. It is rare before the whole chief story can happen and even if it does come up, he will tell those who planned the marriage to go jump into the lagoon if he was really serious about you

^^^do you really believe it has anything to do with "heartbreak"?! lol
i think it has all to do with staying on good terms with his "AA wife", until he gets his final papers!

she will only discover who this man REALLY is when he gets them.

Mynd_44:

This is a typical story. The guy does not want to break your heart by telling you that he wants to leave you and so he brings up this chief thing. It is rare before the whole chief story can happen and even if it does come up, he will tell those who planned the marriage to go jump into the lagoon if he was really serious about you

That's true. Any man that loves his wife/woman will do that regardless.

Any woman around the world wouldn't marry a man that she doesn't have interest in even if it was arranged. Marriage is more serious than just casual dating and I believe that the "woman" was led to believe things will become "solid" with time. "She" is now realizing she is being led astray.

queensmith:

mshew, the man found his way to america people helped him progress his life there, got himself together and now some random uncle from village umohahia wants to call him back for nonsense? did he pay for his tickets?

mshew- if he loves you he will stay- if he doesnt he will go, i suggest you let him!

The "wife" in Nigeria is getting restless and the pressure is on the "husband" to make things right.

MRBrownJ:

^^^do you really believe it has anything to do with "heartbreak"?! lol
i think it has all to do with staying on good terms with his "AA wife", until he gets his final papers!

she will only discover who this man REALLY is when he gets them.

True that

Mrs, Chima:

The "wife" in Nigeria is getting restless and the pressure is on the "husband" to make things right.

How women get themselves into these situations i will never understand. Seriously! what is the appeal of freshers anyways!
Thats why my uncle has always been adamant we never bring a fresher home,

I find myself asking what and who a fresher is

Fresh off the boat, a somewhat derogatory term for people fresh from africa.

And I wonder why that can't just stay in their own country

Well, things are always better away from ones home country i guess.

The problem is the behavior of the freshers when they land.

Ie preying on women with children and families for their selfish interests.

Its not even just africans. Carribeans too are the same.

Im sure even brits do it when leaving for other countries. But its sad there are many ways to obtain a visa.

Its not compulsory one sets out to destroy lives and dampen spirits in the process.

I would rather stay in my country and die that go where people start looking at me with the eyes of a criminal

Yea, There's NO other wifey to him besides me, Trust & Believe That, but thanks anyways you all

That's what many women have professed before they found out their husbands indeed have wives overseas.  According to Nigerian customs, Traditional marriage is valid and recognized. 

The chief thing is still fishy, but if you do not have any issues with it.  Good luck! 

I hear you Mrs. Chima, but what's a lady to do, handsome gentlemen, who treats her well, introduces her to most of his family and friends,shows his love, communicates well,hmmm, I do believe I should of gave things an extra thought b4 going along,but hey I am in the situation now,, but keeping me third eye open, Thanks seriously for advising, You rock

Of course I rocks.

Mrs, Chima:

Of course I rocks.

Stop flattering yourself Chima. You don't rock, you pebbles, or is it stones sef?

MarcAnthon:

Stop flattering yourself Chima. You don't rock, you pebbles, or is it stones sef?

Jealous green isn't your color.

Mrs, Chima:

Jealous green isn't your color.

Yeah yeah

the "village chief" story sounds like a scam to me. why would a guy have his american green card and still be scared of a village chief trying to force him into marry a stranger.

advice to you is: don't let him travel to nigeria by himself. make sure to go with him otherwise,. . .

do nigerian men call other women wife or the one they married to