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My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work - Family - Nairaland

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My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by XX01(f): 4:58pm On Feb 24, 2012
I am back again after a long silence. I need mature advice please not abuse.

I resigned my bank job when i was pregnant because it was really stressing me and it landed me in the hospital with a threatened miscarriage. My husband really encouraged me and all. Now, my baby is over a year and i want to resume but my husband will not let me. Anytime, i bring up the issue, he tells me to relax and wait for the baby to grow up. I was getting a little anxious so i sent out my cv and went for some tests and all. I told my husband but he never made it seem like he was not in support. I just got a job offer with a big consulting firm and i was over the moon. I told him and that was were the katakata take happen.

He was so angry at my contemplating leaving my baby to work. I had never seen him so angry. He kept asking who i wanted to train my child, whether an illiterate nanny or half baked creche was going to do it for me. I had not realised the extent because he was still speaking gently and i kinda jokingly asked him to resign his job and take care of the baby.

After a really long and emotional argument, he promised to look after everything i want and be there for me and the kids promising me heaven and earth. I am so sad. Never in a million years did i think i will be one of them housewives that i always made fun of. Truly, this period i have been without work, he has given me and the baby more than i ask for. Even paid for us to go to US, etc. He just got a very good paying job 6 months ago and maybe it is fueling this his desire. His mum retired to look after the kids when they were young so he wants me to do the same.

Any advice? JennyK, please be nice to me. Thanks.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by ileobatojo: 5:17pm On Feb 24, 2012
Wow, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry actually. He is guilting you into quite a difficult position. Good for him for taking good care of you so far but can you guarantee it will continue for the rest of your lives? Before it is too late for you to have a career again if need be? You just never know what this life will throw at you. It does appear he is a good man and has good intentions for you. But they say the road to h.ell is paved with good intentions.

IMO your baby is over a year old and this is as good a time as any to return back to work. Did he tell you before marriage that he wanted you to be a housewife? How can he just suddenly demand that from you? This type of decision should be made together as a couple not one person unilaterally taking the decision and forcing it down the throat of the other.

If I were in that situation, nothing short of drawing up a rock solid financially secure plan for me and my child/future children in the presence of a good lawyer will make me even consider agreeing to his plan. For me, there is no painless resolution to this problem. You will need to have another talk soon when tensions have died down a little.


*My own first choice will be to definitely return to work. Non negotiable. I’ve seen too much cr.ap go down with women in this situation to put myself at such risk*

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Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by webcam(m): 5:19pm On Feb 24, 2012
look for first class nanny and go to  work he just start this paying job 6month ago my dear please work and support him labour market this days is fraustrating
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by XX01(f): 5:28pm On Feb 24, 2012
Just to clarify, he had a good job before but he just got a better one. A really good one.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by kokoye(m): 5:40pm On Feb 24, 2012
As soon as your baby matures (3yes and above), please get something to do. tell him to setup a business for you . .anything.

Dont put all your eggs in one basket abeg.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by ifyalways(f): 5:58pm On Feb 24, 2012
No sane woman living in Nigeria folds her hand and becomes a hausfrau for any reason,Your hubby needs to understand that.

I suggest that,if you must do a white collar job,look into jobs that comes with shorter working hours, working from home or go into a private business venture.

Earn your own money(no matter how little),earn your respect.Take hand-outs,allowances etc,be well prepared to take all BS.

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Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by feminineA: 6:15pm On Feb 24, 2012
If u can get ur hubby to agree with u that after given birth to all your children then you will stop work coz the truth is there re so many full time housewives that have poor relationship with their kids while the working class ladies even perform better in times of spending quality time and having good relationship with their kids. If he doesn't allow then get busy @ least he can't say you shouldn't be your own boss and since the money is there look for a niche in the market to occupy. Then start a viable business. Its only God that helps with children training no matter how we try. Don't take it hard on your self, all will be well.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by dayokanu(m): 6:22pm On Feb 24, 2012
Pls in your own interest dont agree unless you can follow ileobatojos advice.

Get a lawyer, tell him to pay you a monthly salary compared to what you would be earning at the consulting firm

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Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by chaircover: 6:26pm On Feb 24, 2012

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Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by dayokanu(m): 6:29pm On Feb 24, 2012
If she waits till the child is 3, then another child would be on the way, wait till that one also is 3 then another

So she wont work for like 7-8yrs when all her qualifications would be useless

OP, Human beings are fickle, even if he genuinely cares for you today, what gives you the assurance he would be same way in 7years time when you wont be able to return to any career again

Its too risky abeg

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Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by chaircover: 6:34pm On Feb 24, 2012
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by XX01(f): 6:41pm On Feb 24, 2012
@ Dayo, that is my fear o. I am so worried about my future but he keeps reassuring me that all will be well. I believe he won't default because his dad has set a very good standard for him to follow but what of me?

@ CC, i know his worry is about the baby. He does not joke with him at all. He took this job so he won't be under as much pressure as he used to be with his last job. He takes us everywhere he goes. He spends almost every spare time with us. But CC, i am really afraid. I have undergraduate and masters in Finance from a UK university and graduated with a distinction. How can i allow all that to waste? What kind of work can i do in Nigeria that will not be stressful? As it is now, when my friends ask what i am doing now, i am ashamed to say that i am a housewife. I do not know how to do trading as a business and even that one he said i should wait until my kids (emphasis mine) are grown a bit. I love my son but that is not what i want for the rest of my life.

I have no one to discuss this with as my family believes everyone should solve their own issues that is why i came on line. I am just too sad. The past few days, he has gone out of his way to be wonderful to me but i have less than a week to accept that offer or reject it.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by kelz88(f): 6:46pm On Feb 24, 2012
In 2012?! Na wa oh!!! Please do not listen to him. He might mean well, and all but think about the future. Plus you will be bored out of your mind and will probably not have much to talk about with your husband. Your life will forever be predictable. If you can live with that then go along with his decision.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by chaircover: 6:51pm On Feb 24, 2012
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by armyofone: 7:01pm On Feb 24, 2012
are you done with having babies? I think you might want to think about that.
if no more kids, then take the job.
if you both plan to have more, then this is a good time to have your kids. by the time the last one is over 1, then put in job.
save as much as you can for raining days with the lots you guys have now.

this is just an idea for my own utopia world.

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Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by kelz88(f): 7:09pm On Feb 24, 2012
How about working for your self. That way you take maternity leave whenever, and for as long as you want. Just don't be idle, for your own sanity. I'm worried you might even end up hating him if you go along with his idea and you later regret it. Plus, omg, your education. What a waste! If others can manage to juggle a career and a home why can't you?
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by 2buff(m): 7:13pm On Feb 24, 2012
women obey your husbands in the lord  grin

. . . . that is all . Talk again and I go use bible take slap you cheesy
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by fred2265: 7:22pm On Feb 24, 2012
He sounds a bit of a dinosaur. This is 2012,
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by ayodele123(m): 7:30pm On Feb 24, 2012
A woman should work oh.
Though i fully agree with the biblical instructtion that a woman submit to her husband, i am not comfortable that a woman willing to work should not work and become a liability and a jobless in the name of submission in this age.
Suppossing the unexpected happens like death or job loss, God forbid anyway, would it mean that the family would be stranded?
Does it mean that a wife in this age would be waiting for a man to give her N10 to buy a box of matches?
Some men are parochial, afraid of a working wife and prefer a jobless wife whom they can control and oppress.
The loving man today may change few years down the road,throw the woman out. What will the woman do having no means of hers?
If he does not want a paid employment, you can do self employment around the home which gives you better and flexible control of your time to take care of the baby. Its not wise these days that a woman just sit idle even if she is a billionaire's wife.
There are hundreds of home businesses a woman can do online and offline and be as busy as another in paid employment.
This is a man and wife issue and the solution that worked for Mr & Mrs AA may not apply to Mr & Mrs BB in order not to break a home.
it is now an issue of you choosing your home or your career. Issues as this have broken many homes,so you have to be careful how you respond and the advice you adopt. its somehow complex matter delving into husband and wife issues but that is how i can contribute.
I suggest church marital counselling.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by Dyamante(f): 7:35pm On Feb 24, 2012
A housewife in this day and age?God forbid,
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by Rastamann: 7:35pm On Feb 24, 2012
Obey ya husband as instructed by the holy book!
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by kokoye(m): 7:39pm On Feb 24, 2012
dayokanu:

If she waits till the child is 3, then another child would be on the way, wait till that one also is 3 then another

So she wont work for like 7-8yrs when all her qualifications would be useless


You do make sense Dayo.

Bottomline, you cant sit down at home in this time and age. who knows tomorrow?
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by ileobatojo: 7:43pm On Feb 24, 2012
dayokanu:

If she waits till the child is 3, then another child would be on the way, wait till that one also is 3 then another

So true.

I don’t support waiting till you complete your family because time’s a wasting.

More relevant to this situation is the fact that OP said her husband wants her to retire and take care of the kids just like his mother did. He does not want her to ever return to work. If you wait a bit for more kids then try to go back to work, you are just postponing the evil day. This issue needs to be resolved NOW. When he married you, you were an educated career woman, there was no deal that you would change to a housewife when married. It is unreasonable to ask you to do that now against your will.

The facts that are currently true are that he’s alive, he’s healthy enough to work, he has a very good job, he loves you, you love him. One, several or all of these things could change at anytime (God forbid) but that is life. What happens then? Even if none of these happen what about your sense of personal fulfillment? Will being a housewife provide this for you? Just because you are married, does that automatically give your husband the power to take this away from you? You need to settle these questions in your mind first o before making a final decision. There is no shame in planning for a financially secure future for your family. Your working is going to contribute to the advancement of the family too.

In this day and age, for an adult to be depending on another person for the food and water they are going to consume is not cool.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by dayokanu(m): 7:45pm On Feb 24, 2012
And God forbids

What happens if the man should lose his job or even worse.

I know several families where the man lost his job and they had to survive on the wives income for many yrs before they were able to stand again


Also in case of death you dont want to be left stranded with 3 kids who are used to the good things of life
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by GboyegaD(m): 7:45pm On Feb 24, 2012
OP, I understand his position however, things do not work as it used to be while we were growing up. Like I usually tell people when I recall my growing up years, only God knows what would have become of my family if not for his mercies. My mum quitted her bank job when we were growing up in the early/mid 80s all because she wanted to devout her time to us. She 1st started a business but later according to my parents, my dad was able to convince her that she need not bother herself and truly she stopped the business. The implementation of SAP saw my dad being reliefed of his job as the South West Marketing Manager of Pharma Deko and things took a drastic turn around for about 3years. Thus, he could have a good job and no one knows what tomorrow holds. Let him see it from the perspective that you guys have no control over tomorrow thus, as a precaution, you need to also have a source of income. What you need do is that you both should devout quality time to raising your child(ren) whenever you are available as the quality matters more than the amount of time you spend. The nation isn't getting any better and I can assure you most bankers who lost their jobs for instance 5years ago would have been bragging they had the best of job because they were sure of promotion at least once in 18months.
Should he then insist, then he must be selfish and it would be good you stand your ground of returning back to work. But please try to get the best creche for your child preferably not too far from your work place so that you can easily walk in during lunch hour to see how they are treating him and besides, it gives you more time to spend with the child even with the traffic condition and that could bring the closeness you so desire. You are fortunate enough to get a nice job please do not discard it. You may have to involve those you know he respects and who has a right mentality to the situation on ground.
Wish you the very best!!!
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by ileobatojo: 7:49pm On Feb 24, 2012
dayokanu:

And God forbids

What happens if the man should lose his job or even worse.

I know several families where the man lost his job and they had to survive on the wives income for many yrs before they were able to stand again


Also in case of death you dont want to be left stranded with 3 kids who are used to the good things of life

Lol. We posted pretty much the same thing at the same time smiley smiley
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by fantasticV: 7:55pm On Feb 24, 2012
My dear, it is good to obey ur husband for peace to ruin at dsame time the only thing that is constant in life is change. For him to ask u to be a house wife is not a good idea(to me ooooo) no body knows tomorrow,if he don't want you to work, fine let him start up a business for un so that u will be ur own boss, there u will have time for ur kids and business. Men are trickish, I bet u he can't filfull his promise items of ur needs; consider ur immediate family u may decide to do something for them, will u contiune beging him money for that? What if something happen to his work tomorrow? Think. Many has loss their prestige all in the name of so-called HOUSEWIFE. I ve someone like dat and she is going throug hell now. Pls pls pls don't fall into such victim. Talk to him in a good manner, let him see reasons with u and also pray to God for his grace. GOODLUCK
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by Emperoh(m): 7:56pm On Feb 24, 2012
Hmmm

Woman you are in a tight corner oo and this is a fight u just have to fight on your knees
Nothing makes it difficult other than the family precedence
If his mum had no qualms doing it, then you can be rest assured you won't have his family support if something comes up.
I do not think you need to stay at home; not with all the degrees you have mustered.
Besides, sit at home and do what?

I also think this is an ego thing. In as much as he will keep to his side of the bargain, does he consider your happiness
as a person, not as his partner. Marital happiness goes beyond providing all we need that money can buy. What of our aspirations
Hence you need to go back and plead your case.

Here's what i think you should do.
Picture a perfect week in your working day and come up with a tight plan on how to
take care of the home and then still deliver at work. I must tell you, it won't be easy
You will need a nanny and a good one at that. A nice plan on how to make sure the child is not missing out on your presence.
Enlist the help of trusted ones to get one.

Part of the rules of both work parents is that one must have at least good enough time to run around in case of emergencies
In most cases, it is the wife and suddenly growing numbers, it is the husband.
Do you have this time or will your job give you this time? If yes, put them up as your bargaining or negotiation points
But be sure that your have a water tight plan cos if anything fails, my sister, i won't envy you, cos he will rage and dump everything at your feet.

Finally talk to God. He is the only answer. To soften his heart and give your the right times and moments
and the right people as well to navigate through this. Importantly, if out assumptions to the fact that it is an ego thing him asking
you not to work, then you have to be really subservient (not foolish) and respect him and his position as the head of the house
so that quakes don't get raised as a result of your having a well paying job.

my one pence
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by missuzoma: 7:57pm On Feb 24, 2012
twenty one years of marriage three old kids and sixteen years as a career woman and i have dis to say. kids these days get bad mouth. one day they will ask you to stay away from their school since you lack a label. mum is not a nurse or doctor or banker or anything worth writing in that essay on my dear mother. there is a certain type of shine that rests on you by the act of dressing up every day for work. men notice fast when it is no longer there . life throws up all sorts. talk with him again
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by Wilfredng: 7:57pm On Feb 24, 2012
fantasticV:

My dear, it is good to obey ur husband for peace to ruin at dsame time the only thing that is constant in life is change. For him to ask u to be a house wife is not a good idea(to me ooooo) no body knows tomorrow,if he don't want you to work, fine let him start up a business for un so that u will be ur own boss, there u will have time for ur kids and business. Men are trickish, I bet u he can't filfull his promise items of ur needs; consider ur immediate family u may decide to do something for them, will u contiune beging him money for that? What if something happen to his work tomorrow? Think. Many has loss their prestige all in the name of so-called HOUSEWIFE. I ve someone like dat and she is going throug hell now. Pls pls pls don't fall into such victim. Talk to him in a good manner, let him see reasons with u and also pray to God for his grace. GOODLUCK


Obey him, but sit him down and give him reasons why you should be working. See the website below for advice on such cases
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by Okontami: 8:11pm On Feb 24, 2012
My girl Abeg u need to balance your home and your career. Dont resign or looseyour new Job. Beg your husband and let him know that you have made arrangement for the baby (Ensure u make proper arrangement for someone to take care of ur baby). Then try to be very humble at it and let him know why you should not continue to be home 24/7( be very constructive o). He is not a fool. He should know u too need to spend without recourse to him every time. My wife also resigned her Job cos of my Job and my baby as we had to leave Naija. And u too dont try to be hot by force as he my be afraid u could be cutting show as ur bele don go down. Just be modest , humble and open to him. If you know me this is one of the little times i have used my brain to think; so take my advise.
Re: My Husband Does Not Want Me To Work by dayokanu(m): 8:19pm On Feb 24, 2012
missuzoma:

twenty one years of marriage three old kids and sixteen years as a career woman and i have dis to say. kids these days get bad mouth. one day they will ask you to stay away from their school since you lack a label. mum is not a nurse or doctor or banker or anything worth writing in that essay on my dear mother. there is a certain type of shine that rests on you by the act of dressing up every day for work. men notice fast when it is no longer there . life throws up all sorts. talk with him again

Word. The kids might not be too proud to tell their friends that my mom is a housewife When their friends are saying my mom is a lawyer, Accountant, doctor Engineer.

It would almost be like saying my mom is an illiterate.

OP Tell him you want to test it out and if its affecting the kid, you would quit in 3 months immediately, gradually he would get used to it.

Also get a maid for housework so you can have time for the baby solely.

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