coogar:

let her know the price of a 3-bedroom house.
she probably thinks the house you are buying is below 5 million naira - which you should easily find affordable.
take her around the city and let her see things for herself.

another option is to save her income in a joint account whilst you spend yours or vice versa.

Damn, is that what houses are going for in Nigeria? That's barely $30,000.

In California you can't even get out the ghetto unless you're working with $300,000

My brother,a word is enough for the wise.Na fly wey no gree hear word dey follow dead body enter grave.People are giving you free,solid advice now and you are being stubborn.Ditch the babe and find your soulmate who flows on the same wavelength as you.Do you know how much I envy you?I wish someone had been nice enough to tell me what several people are telling you now.If this girl is headstrong now,by the time you get married,she will be the General while you will be a mere pawn.Caveat Emptor!

Bro, most nigerrian ladies consider men to be meal tickets, frm all u said that gal is a drain pipe, pls run for ur life, their is notin cultural abt her view, she's just downright selfish period, run pls.

CHIMSKY: My brother,a word is enough for the wise.Na fly wey no gree hear word dey follow dead body enter grave.People are giving you free,solid advice now and you are being stubborn.Ditch the babe and find your soulmate who flows on the same wavelength as you.Do you know how much I envy you?I wish someone had been nice enough to tell me what several people are telling you now.If this girl is headstrong now,by the time you get married,she will be the General while you will be a mere pawn.Caveat Emptor!

ditch the babe? just like that?
what's wrong with people and their hasty actions? the girl does not understand how it works abroad.
it's the duty of this dude to explain things to her. she comes from an environment where men pay for everything.

coogar:

ditch the babe? just like that?
what's wrong with people and their hasty actions? the girl does not understand how it works abroad.
it's the duty of this dude to explain things to her. she comes from an environment where men pay for everything.

you didnt read the post! he explained to her, she's a typical village girl that thinks every man in london is a millionaire!
I dunno dude- I will strongly advise the op to stay away from such chicks unless he can afford it, the last thing he needs is a village pea brained chick on the loose in London, it will be wahala from beggining to the end! Many men have tried and failed!

queensmith:

you didnt read the post! he explained to her, she's a typical village girl that thinks every man in london is a millionaire!
I dunno dude- I will strongly advise the op to stay away from such chicks unless he can afford it, the last thing he needs is a village pea brained chick on the loose in London, it will be wahala from beggining to the end! Many men have tried and failed!

he probably didn't explain to her very well. a man can't just ditch a babe on a small issue like this one.
there have been hundreds of thousands of village girls who have been transformed already. the babe in question won't be an exception.
even osuofia learnt to behave himself in london - and this girl cannot be any worse.

Nice topic!

You would need time if she scores high on most of the other areas that you are concerned about.
Culture can be a heavy burden especially for people who have grown up & lived in the same setting.

You may have to carry on with your mortgage and she would join later & get it recomputed.
But changing a belief system is a task you need time to accomplish. Do not expect it to be easy.

She might also expect that her salary is for her keeps & it's up to you to do everything for her.
keep talking, keep negotiating...........before you get married. If she doesn't change a bit now, she may not change later.

@ OP, i am sorry but the girl is talking crap. Most of my friends married back home do not have wives that think like this, my sister is married and does not think like this. My parents have been married and my mum does not think like this. I am surprised that everyone accepts that this is the way things are done. This is not completely true. Some couples have the setup where the man provides everything, but when the woman is working, she may buy the food and other smaller stuff to keep the house going.

The man is supposed to be the provider of the home, but the woman also contributes. Marriage involves two people, and it is a partnership. It involves shared responsibility. Yes she should contribute to paying the mortgage, and yes she should also contribute to the upkeep of the house. What kind of faulty reasoning does she have? Abeg o, this is not a cultural thing. I dont know what planet your gf grew up in, but her thinking is a little surprising to me.I personally don't have any friends in Naija that think like this.

neyostica: Op, leave the girl alone, she wants a real man who can takecare of her not some struggling modafucker like you. Yeye boy, why she go contribute? You beta go n work harder. Queensmith, you are a foollllllllllll

What kind of response is this? Common sense is not so common o

neyostica: Op, leave the girl alone, she wants a real man who can takecare of her not some struggling modafucker like you. Yeye boy, why she go contribute? You beta go n work harder. Queensmith, you are a foollllllllllll

She MUST contribute.
Come to think of it, she says any money she makes is for her only. Hmm, that reeks of utter selfishness! Anyway, mayb she prefers some dude that will drive her out of His house at d slightest altercation. afterall she won't b contributin $hit.
I spent my early yrs in europe and i saw how every1 was up and hustlin- even d kids start workin from 15-16 and don't disturb their parents if they need some personal effects.
@OP, dat concept of "my husband must provide all" is deeply embedded in d chic, i doubt if there's anytin u can do about it. In Naija, its normal for a 25-yr old to be demanding 5k from mumsi to buy jeans. Its unfortunate.

MrMaintain: Pls help on this situation,

I am currently living in the UK, and have been planning to get married to my partner who is back in Nigeria. We have been discussing a number of matters and today something which hadn't been discussed before came up.
She said that she "wants to be financially secure" and "would rather stay single than marry a man who can't take care of her" I asked her to she said that she is willing to work, but that any money she earns in her job is just for her, but the husband should provide all other things such as shelter, food, etc, but shouldn't take her from her own savings.

I explained to her that here in Europe, it doesn't work that way, I explained to her the concept of a mortgage, and that if a typical family has a family 3 bed house out here, both partners contribute to the mortgage. That things are different than in Nigeria, young couples go the bank together and get a joint mortgage. I explained that here, a couple go out for dinner and they often times split the bill, they have joint bank accounts, and that they budget and invest, save together.
She was astonished and still maintained that she doesn't believe that. "the husband must provide shelter, why should she contribute to the mortgage?"

Now I fully nderstand how things work back home, the guy would own a house(outright, no mortgages etc) and would woo the woman. And I explained that if I move back home after the wedding, I can do that. However, here with mutual funds, gas, taxes on everything, investing , etc etc it is slightly different. I was explaining to her how we buy houses here via 25 year mortgages etc.....we are oth late twenties.

Much of this is cultural. She has never travelled outside of Nigeria.....meanwhile, although I am Nigerian, I have actually spent not too much time there.

Can you folks offer any advise as to if either of us here is being unreasonable, and those abroad, how can I explain to her better how things work here in Europe?
Thanks

My advise to you: Look for a lady that is realistic and understands you or else ... You will live to regret you made the decision in the first place

A couple of responses I get from Nigerian Ladies on this thread re-assures me that all hope is not lost about our women afterall. @OP, sorry I can be critical in my views sometime. I dare say that your girfriend has some tendencies to be greedy and wicked. You have to watch out. Mind you, she is not alone, there are lots of ladies out there like that. They have been so deprived while growing up that they're looking for the man to make them what their parents couldn't make them.

I live in Europe too and I know what it's like paying mortgages and other unavoidable monthly bills. Ask her if she is ready to grow up and be a woman willing to partner and make the better of both your lives or she sees herself as a economic vampires all out to suck the life out of you.

It is these kind of women who see men as machines and want to put all responsibilities on the man. In the end, the man gets tired and frustrated. He can't reconcile what has been happening to him since he married. He looks for a means to get his beautiful old life before he got married back. He finds himself in the arm of another woman who needs a man and has learnt the trick to be supportive. Hurray, the man realizes, what has been missing in his life. Considers being irresponsible for once at least to have a taste of what it means to be living again.

My advice to you is that you should not love a woman beyond her ability to reason and think out solution to practical issues of life.

.

look tell the woman mortgage is a two person responsibility, tell her incase you divorce she is entitled to half the value of all assets including the house maybe she will then see it differently. She may feel that she is paying for a home that will never be hers.

@OP, is this the only thing about her you're hoping will change, or is there a whole slew of others? Don't sweep things under the carpet in the name of love. You shouldn't get into marriage hoping someone will change to become more of what you want. You should marry fully accepting who and what the other person is.

coogar:

he probably didn't explain to her very well. a man can't just ditch a babe on a small issue like this one.
there have been hundreds of thousands of village girls who have been transformed already. the babe in question won't be an exception.
even osuofia learnt to behave himself in london - and this girl cannot be any worse.

sarcasm?

agiboma: look tell the woman mortgage is a two person responsibility, tell her incase you divorce she is entitled to half the value of all assets including the house maybe she will then see it differently. She may feel that she is paying for a home that will never be hers.

You want to finish the posters life? Am I the only one that sees the girl as a crook?? and people complain about goldiggers yet nobody can recognise one! lol!

The truth be told it is not everybody that has the capacity to reason with; better determine the category your "girl" fits into.

UK Bobo: She is a product of her environment and expects such. My girlfriend Funmi (she came from Nigeria five years ago) also had similar cultural views but now understands that we have to work as a team. Funmi has two friends who married women back home and they both broke up within the first three years, due to excessive expectation and differing expectations of what a partner should provide and cater for. Money issues are in the top three of relationship breakdown excuses so you need to find out her world view and gauge whether her mind is open to change, reason and discussion. If she is the stubborn type, RUN and don't look back.

The Nigerian environment doesn't help matters at all. I had the same problem too but thank God my woman is finally getting the picture.

I also live in the UK and pay towards my mortgage and have been doing for almost 15 years. There is no crime in you paying the mortgage, but there are other bills that needs looking after, ie council tax,water bill,electricity bill,sky bill,household and contents insurance,life insurance policies,feeding expense,kids extra curriculum activities,kids clothing,car insurances,kids school meals to mention but a few.
Both of you would sit down, work out who does what and who pays what, problem solved.
If she insists on you paying all, run like fire is burning you,cos after you have overworked yourself and ended up an invalid, she would serve you a divorce petition and claim she needs to keep to the house for the well being of your kids and inevitable, kick your sorry ass out!
Best of Luck.

queensmith:



You want to finish the posters life? Am I the only one that sees the girl as a crook?? and people complain about goldiggers yet nobody can recognise one! lol!

Really cant understand what you are trying to say here?

Some of u pple r funny. We keep shouting that we are 'equal' so women are now sharing the responsibility of men at home, but that's all. @poster if get home u will demand for dinner, if there is a mess u may demand for an explanation. If you choose to help ur wife with the baby n domestic chores it is because u have 'chosen' to, and if you don't nobody will call u a bush man. So, it is the mans 'responsibility' to provide for the home (including mortgage). If u are married to a wife who helps with that thank God, but if u r not, suck it up and be a man. Don't come and make a mockery of your home on NL. After all, were u forced 2 marry her?

I really feel for you in your situation. It’s rather difficult. I am really sorry to use the say the: “You apparently can take a lady out of the village, but you can’t take the village out of the lady”
As someone already noted, you cannot bring her in and expect her to shed all the behaviours / habits she had learnt and grown up with to fully embrace what applies in the UK. What sort of shocks me is that fact that this is someone you say you’ve been sending money to all along while she was back in Naija. You might want to use some sort of reverse psychology on her like: Seeing what she has seen now, imagine the tables were turned, she be in you position will she appreciate it if you will take same position she is taking now?
Someone was saying that you are trying to change her and that that will not work, it’ is sooo sad that you have to put sooo much efforts in getting her to consider the common interest and progress of you guys as a union. Well, in case she is not willing to integrate (adjust) she should have remained in Naija. If finance is causing you guys so much grudge, I wonder what will happen if someone came along who will be willing to fulfil her financial demands the way she is projecting them to you now. You guys need to set your priorities and try to meet each other halfway, she cannot be stuck in her Naija ways and expect to survive her new environment. She might also need to understand that life in this part of the world does not only revolve around money as it does in Naija. Her attitude explains / exposes part of the core problems we have as a people back home in Naija.

Well I am America and I understand what you mean with the taxes, morgage, and fees. Its hard here and people lose their home everyday because to carry rhe nurden can necome too much.
I noticed you said she is still there, well so is my husband. He too has never left. I have thought of money topics but we only discuss what we plan to do. We never emphasize HIS money or MY money because we are one and must share everything.

Your wife is old fashioned and theres nothing wrong with that. She is following what her parrnts have taught her. Just allow her to come and see how things are and it will automatically show her that you must work together to build a home. Dont panic for now, you two are just expressing your opinions right now.

poster

make sure you dont go any further in your relationship until you have an understanding of your expectations (both of you)
if she is expecting to keep all her money then what good is she to the relationship?

My mother and father both worked and they both paid for everything together. I think your solution can be to help her understand that you are not trying to take her whole check but you both will have a checking account where an equal share of the bills will be paid for by you both contributing each month and the rest she can do whatever she wants with.

brainchild78: it should be a comboined effort provided she is sincerely earning income n financially capable.

Well said!!!

you should invite her over to the UK for lets say 2-3months let her see the robotic life-work-sleep-work-sleep-work-sleep pattern

let her visit regularyly before finally relocating, or you relocate, provide everything and ask her to knee down for you whilst serving your food- hey that's her role

introduce her to Nairaland and let us help you wash out that mentality. like MrJ said, NL will put new OS into her .
No man should do everything alone. Our plan after dday is Joint everything. . . he kukuma trust me with money.

i am surprised by some of the responses here.so she believes the husband's money should be for THEM while her own money remains for HER alone?
the husband should pay for housing,feeding,health education and everything else while she does EXACTLY WHAT with her money? how selfish can some people be?
whats almost certain is this girl doesn't love,at least not as much as you think.this is not about culture because in most nigerian homes now and even back to the 80s mothers have contributed significantly and in some cases a major portion of the family upkeep.
this is just one selfish person who wants to have a FREE RIDE.....and in a fancy car too.you said u have explained to her and i am guessing she is educated.if she is in her 20s,educated and she claims to love you and she is still being stubborn after you explained to her.....DITCH her like a bad habit!
i heard about a guy who was doing ultimate warrior d way ur fiancee wants you to do while his wife was saving her money.later on d wife secretly bought d house and became landlady while d unsuspecting husband kept on paying rent!
one possible scenario(God forbid)is u marry her and do as she says and then years down she sues for divorce,gets d house anyway,plus much of ur other assets plus most of ur savings and future income to TAKE CARE of ur kids.moral of the story is that bringing her over will most likely open her eyes not to understand ur position but understand more ways to use d system to fleece u better.
p.s most nigerian ladies are not like that,they don't joke with taking care of their families

Your partner should contribute her own quota buy dont make look like it is either she contributes or nofin. She merely a helper. Do ur duties as a man n she will assist you!
.

females want equal right, but wont pay bills, damn, life is not fair to a man.

and after, they will say its a man's world

afrodoc: i am surprised by some of the responses here.so she believes the husband's money should me for THEM while her own money remains for HER alone?
d husband should pay for housing,feeding,health education and everything else while she does EXACTLY WHAT with her money? how selfish can some people be?
whats almost certain is this girl doesn't love,at least not as much as you think.this is not about culture because in most nigerian homes now and even back to the 80s mothers have contributed significantly and in some cases a major portion of the family upkeep.
this is just one selfish person who wants to have a FREE RIDE.....and in a fancy car too.you said u have explained to her and i am guessing she is educated.if she is in her 20s,educated and she claims to love you and she is still being stubborn after you explained to her.....DITCH her like a bad habit!
i heard about a guy who was doing ultimate warrior d way ur fiancee wants you to do while his wife was saving her money.later on d wife secretly bought d house and became landlady while d unsuspecting husband kept on paying rent!
-
p.s most nigerian ladies are not like that,they don't joke with taking care of their families

you have put it succintly. any averagely educated woman who tells you your money is our money but her own money is her money is just a wicked and selfish person and it has nothing to do with culture.

i know of a couple...the husband was badly burnt in the 2008 economic and stock market crash in Nigeria and he has been struggling with paying loans and maintaining his stock portfolio to wade through the downturn. he was already in that situation by the time they got married. the woman earns a significant income from her job with a top multi-national bank but keeps all her money to herself. she has not helped the guy with a penny to offset his loans. she keeps her money in fixed deposit and treasury bills, always shopping for shoes and clothes and travelling for vacation every year. she would rather offer to buy his ticket for them to go abroad for a holiday than put her money in the family pot.

so OP, dont fall for that cultural BS...men were saddled with the responsibility for providing for the family because historically, men were empowered with education and the means to earn a living whilst women were expected to be domesticated. they made noise about inequality and all what not but now that they are now equally empowered, they now dont want to accept the responsibility that comes with that power

why would a woman spend 12hrs of her time working at a job, 10hrs sleeping, eating, taking her bath etc. thats 22hrs spent on herself and 2hrs available to spend on issues that have something to do with me and i get to pay for her 24hrs of existence in a day? that's the height of inequity!

joanana: Your partner should contribute her own quota buy dont make look like it is either she contributes or nofin. She merely a helper. Do ur duties as a man n she will assist you!
.

RUBBISH...what type of mumu help is that? in this complicated and increasingly difficult world we live in? if a woman is not able to earn a substantial income, i can understand but if she's a well educated professional working at a decent job with good income, there's nothing like helper. she's a tag team partner and everybody has to pull their weight OR NOTHING