Drinking Alcohol

A Lebanese a philipino and a syrian were caught drinking alcohol during ramadan in Saudi.
The policemen decided to give each one 20 slaps on the back. The policeman told them:
"As it is my fourth wife birthday today, i'll give each one of you the chance to make a wish".
The philipino asked if possible to tie a pillow on his back. That was done, but the pillow went off after the 10th slap. The syrian asked if possible to tie two pillow on his back, that was done, but it went off after the 14th slap. Here comes the Lebanese turn,the policeman told him: because of our good relation with Mr.Hariri, i'm going to offer you the chance to make two wishes.
What the Lebanese asked for:

''Sir is it possible to double the number of slaps to 40, and tie that syrian to my back?!''

LETTER TO MY DEAR WIFE:

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times, I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often :


1. WE WILL WAKE THE CHILDREN, 17 times
2. IT'S TOO LATE, 15 times
3. I'M TOO TIRED, 5 times
4. IT'S TOO EARLY, 52 times
5. IT'S TOO HOT, 15 times
6. PRETENDING TO BE ASLEEP, 49 times
7. THE NEIGHBOURS WILL HEAR, 9 times
8. BACKACHE, 2 times
9. HEADACHE, 26 times
10. SUNBURNT, 10 times
11. YOUR MOTHER WILL HEAR US, 36 times
12. NOT IN THE MOOD, 21 times
13. YOU WILL WAKE THE BABY, 17 times
14. WATCHING THE LATE SHOW, 7 times
15. TOO SORE, 9 times
16. NEW HAIRDO, 6 times
17. THE WRONG TIME OF THE MONTH, 14 times
18. YOU HAD TO GO TO THE TOILET, 19 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory, because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.


and my wifes reply is,

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND :

I think you have got things a little confused. Here are the reasons you did not get more than you did :


1. CAME HOME DRUNK AND TRIED TO Bleep THE CAT, 7 times
2. DID NOT COME HOME AT ALL, 29 times
3. DID NOT COME, 14 times
4. CAME TOO SOON, 26 times
5. WENT SOFT BEFORE YOU GOT IN, 18 times
6. TOES IN A CRAMP, 9 times
7. WORKING TOO LATE, 51 times
8. YOU HAD A RASH - PROBABLY FROM A TOILET SEAT, 21 times
9. SOMEBODY KICKED YOU IN THE BALLS, IN A FIGHT, 4 times
10. CAUGHT IT IN YOUR ZIPPER , 8 times
11. GOT A COLD, YOUR NOSE KEPT RUNNING, 14 times
12. BREWERS DROP AND ALCO-LIMP, 95 times
13. YOUR TEA WAS TOO HOT - BURNT TONGUE, 8 times
14. YOU HAD A SPLINTER IN YOUR FINGER, 4 times
15. LOST IT AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT ALL DAY, 13 times
16. CAME IN YOUR PJs WHILE READING DIRTY BOOK, 8 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you missed, and were fucking the sheets. It wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back, or kneeling."

The times you felt me move was because you farted, and I was trying to breathe. However, six months ago, I phoned the A.A. for help, and their rep. has been calling on me most afternoons.

Iteun in USA

Iteun came back from the US and all his friends came to ask him what America was like.
" America is great, it must be one of the greatest countries in the World !"
" How great? Tell us more! "
" For example, in New York, they have buildings so tall that a few days before I left, a guy jumped from the roof and it took him 3 days to hit the ground, "
" Wow! Did he die? "
" 3 days without water or food and you want him to live? "

Roflmao.The last 1 is fckn HILARIOUS.

SANTA AND BANTA
Santa: I'm a proud father. My son is in m edical college.
Banta: What's he studying?"
Santa: He's not studying, they are studying him!


Banta: Name the 3 fastest means of communication.
Santa: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman

Q: How do you recognize Santa's son, Pappu, in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.    

Hmmm

Santa was writing something very slowly.
Banta asked: "Why are you writing so slowly?"
Santa: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast."


Santa at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call Modern art?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, that's a mirror!


Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Santa: The future tense is "You will go to jail".


Photographer Santa was focusing on the dead body's face in a funeral function.
Suddenly all the relatives started beating him - why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"


Iteun: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about u?
Mingines: Me too, after u leave.

Buaaaaaaha

BUT!
The name is

M I G I N E S

aiight?

free air ticket for all nland members  

On wat airline? "sosoliso" or "bellview"
if its ne of this then its more of a death sentence.

[QUOTE]Buaaaaaaha

BUT!
The name is

M I G I N E S

aiight?[/QUOTE]

I knowningly say so.

Why? if i may ask.

Migines:

Why? if i may ask.

just to add to the whole fun

Guys watch saucekid being attacked by a whale 

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
djcrooky  : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
djcrooky  : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

TEACHER : djcrooky, go to the map and find North America.
djcrooky  : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS     : djcrooky!

TEACHER : djcrooky, how do you spell "crocodile"?
djcrooky  : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
djcrooky  : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER : djcrooky, give me a sentence starting with "I".
djcrooky  : I is, 
TEACHER : No, djcrooky. Always say, "I am."
djcrooky  : All right,  "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
djcrooky  : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." 

@ mdsocks,

you need your s because that is a shark and i escaped by a hair's breath

@ mdsocks,

you need your s because that is a shark and i escaped by a hair's breath

lol
you no know say kill english don corrupt my english

medical socks you want to kill people here?

@mdsocks, i'm lmao.

mdsocks:

TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water?
djcrooky : "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
djcrooky : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

TEACHER : djcrooky, go to the map and find North America.
djcrooky : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS : djcrooky!

TEACHER : djcrooky, how do you spell "crocodile"?
djcrooky : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
djcrooky : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER : djcrooky, give me a sentence starting with "I".
djcrooky : I is,
TEACHER : No, djcrooky. Always say, "I am."
djcrooky : All right, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
djcrooky : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

wetin i do u guy.



well it waz funny

Yeah.

Thanks guys,,,,,,,,,,,more still to come.

Bring it on

He doznt. He just loves killing them.

T T: 'I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'

T T: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, 0700 2300 is our opening hours'.

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective Chen Lee, to report any activities while was gone to work.

A few days later he received this report from the renowned detective:

Most honorable Sir,

You leave house. I watch. He come to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in Hotel. I climb tree. I look in window. He kiss she, she kiss he. He strip she, she strip he. He play with she, she play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I not see. No fee.

Yours truly,

Chen Lee

Ha ha ha
wanky bast@rd.

Bu he he ha ha ha he he.