For the past three days, I have been conversing with a reader of my blog who has been having some serious marital issues. Like I have told her and everyone, I am NOT qualified in the slightest to give professional advice on ANYTHING. (Newly Married myself and still trying to balance my innate feminist nature of “I will never be controlled’ to becoming a submissive African wife. It is a daily struggle). I guess my reader just wanted someone to talk to, that was a stranger.

This is one of the problems in Nigeria (amongst many). Couples don’t have anywhere to turn when they are facing crisis. True, some turn to their parents or siblings, but in more cases than not, it makes the situation worse. A Scenario- A man goes to complain to his mother about the character of his wife. Even if the mother is one of the sensible ones and does not take sides, there is always going to be that resentment from the wife’s end that so you went to report me to your mother and vice versa, so It is a No-Win situation. I believe that the saying “The wife is the one that makes or breaks a home” is a tremendous and unfair burden placed on married women. It irks me that a failure of a marriage is on the woman because they are magically expected to do whatever it takes to make a marriage work, even if it involves loosing herself in the process. Whatever happened to personal responsibility? What is the man’s role in making sure that a marriage does not fail? I remembered a married friend once said “A husband’s role is to provide. A wife’s role is everything else"
Then there is the saying “Do not bring a third-party into your marriage’. While it is true in many situations, there are issues that couples cannot figure out themselves. Sometimes, confiding in a third-party would be helpful. Some people confide in their pastors or their imams. My major problem with these set of people is that they usually give the spouse(usually the wife) the P and the E solution. PRAY AND ENDURE. That’s it. A wife is expected to pray that things get better and endure it till it does. Now, I have no problems with prayers, but just like no amount of prayers would help you pass an exam that you didn’t prepare for. No amount of prayers will help you rescue a marriage that You don’t work on. It is simple logic. I know women who stay in unhappy marriages hoping that they would one day change their husbands. My personal belief. You CAN’T change people. People change themselves. You either accept a person, warts and all or you don’t. That’s my own opinion. As for the enduring, why do people assume that women have an unending tank of enduring capacity. Why do people think that it is better for a woman to stay in an unhappy loveless marriage than try to make herself happy? I am no advocate for divorce, but I don’t think enduring helps anyone except making the woman a shadow of her former self. Likewise the man, why would a man want to stay in a marriage when the lights are fading? Most times, both parties want to work out their issues, but they don’t know where to turn. That’s where a marriage counselor comes in.

Marriage Counseling is not a new concept and emerged in Germany in the 1920s. Now most mosques and churches hold marriage counseling classes before a marriage, but after it is done, most revert to the P and E solution (I stand to be corrected). Sometimes, it is good to have a stranger specially trained in marital issues to come save the day. Sometimes, it is good to have someone to vent to, that would not take sides, tell you to endure or tell you that the anger you feel towards your spouse is a sin. Sadly, we have very few to none in Nigeria. There are a lot of divorce cases pending down in the High Court (with the most flimsy reasons) that may have been averted if there was some form of marriage counselors. (I say ‘May’ because there are a lot of marriage counselors in The U.S and their divorce rates are still high, so it is not fool-proof). But I believe that it is something we sorely lack and would be more useful in helping couples work out their issues, than family meetings and P and E solution!

This is simply my opinion. I would love to hear from my readers their views on the issue. Am I wrong in my views about the impact of the Pastors and the Imams? can family help instead of counselors? or should couples learn to fix themselves by themselves all the time? Drop a Line. www.herapereira.com

It's quite sadly unbelievable and ridiculous for a country like Nigeria not to have marriage counsellors and licenced physiologists

OP I will get some books and seminars and create a thread for it.#fingerscrossed

IMO every married couple needs a shrink and not until problem arise.

Hi Ayee Idris,

Marriage counseling is important but I believe it all boils down to the couple themselves: What values do they have? Are they willing to make it work?

Most people who give the pray and endure advise are also functioning in the position of counselors. In our society where there is nothing wrong in married man cheating, what advice would a counselor (who probably believe the same thing) give? Pray, cook, look sexy etc... and ENDURE! or 'ignore him, pick up a hobby, turn to your kids... and ENDURE!' If a counselor starts saying 'your hubby/wifey is cheating, you can divorce' he/she will be seen as 'been corrupted by western influences'

The pray and endure, suffering and smiling is part and parcel of our culture. Does a married man not know that cheating on his wife is wrong? If he doesn't why would he send his wife packing when she does same? What if the counselors are available and the husband refuses to see them? What would she do? drag him or force him?

It all starts from we the parents... Let us train our kids the way they should go(in all areas. Most people exhibit the training they have had in their marriages. If people (especially men) were not trained to be accountable and believe anything goes, what will the counselors do? If a husband maltreats or cheat on his wife and they go to the counselor's place, what else will the counselor advice other than pray and endure or ignore and endure especially when the woman is not ready to leave the marriage and the husband thinks it's ok to cheat?

It's well.

Generally we dont believe in talking to people we perceive are strangers
We are more comfortable with religious leaders, family members who are in positions of authority and mentors etc

They may not have the techniques of counselling as enshrined in western practices but some of them are truly practical and wise
Not all though....


There is chaos arising from traditional roles of provider played by men with the growing role women play as breadwinners
This has led to friction between the genders hence the rise of issues

With time, the counselling practice will become matured as civilisation progresses

Some years ago, party planeers, make up people were not really appreciated
Now they are it

The issue is do our couples practice the kinda love dey practice in the western world?
No matter how westernised we try to be, we still have the culture thing flowing in our blood.
A white man can still forgive his wife for committing adultery after going thru counseling but Africa/ Nigerian Man is NO
Do we have d issue of submission in d white couples' marriage? NO but it is a must in Nigerian marriage
So if marriage counseling is working for them there it may not work in Nigeria
IMO.

nikkykay: The issue is do our couples practice the kinda love dey practice in the western world?
No matter how westernised we try to be, we still have the culture thing flowing in our blood.
A white man can still forgive his wife for committing adultery after going thru counseling but Africa/ Nigerian Man is NO
Do we have d issue of submission in d white couples' marriage? NO but it is a must in Nigerian marriage
So if marriage counseling is working for them there it may not work in Nigeria
IMO.

Is love determined by culture now? I don't understand the part of the sort of love they practice is different from ours. Isn't the idea of submission from the bible and the quoran? These 'white' people are Christians. They have submission rules too. They may apply it differently from us, but they have it. Are you saying that running to family, pastors or imams or turning to the Holy books for solutions to marital problems that probably did not exist in the time they were made, are the only way forward? A lot of things we adopted from the white people are working. Why not marriage counseling?
And there are Nigerian men who forgive their wives' adultery. Few, but there are. Just as there are white women that would never forgive their husband's adultery, but a Nigerian woman is expected to.

Psychology is a discipline in most of our tertiary institutions. At times I always ponder on what they actually do after school.

Marriage counseling is good in my opinion , but its effectiveness is yet to be seen, there are many marriage counselors in the US for example but their divorce rate is extremely high, the divorce rate in the US is about 50% and rising. . .Meaning about half of marriages conducted end of in divorce. . .

mazaje: Marriage counseling is good in my opinion , but its effectiveness is yet to be seen, there are many marriage counselors in the US for example but their divorce rate is extremely high, the divorce rate in the US is about 50% and rising. . .Meaning about half of marriages conducted end of in divorce. . .

True! so the context is still key
Abroad are they counselling to break at any stress while Africa we counsel to stay at all stress?

Is Love the same universally?

As a trained social worker and a pastor i believe that there is help and it depends on what the clients want. If the parties are ready they can be help if they are not ready and willing to coporate then it might be dificult. P n E is nothing but living in bondage and no professional interventionist will prescribe a P and E option. God bless.

jidegirl12: It's quite sadly unbelievable and ridiculous for a country like Nigeria not to have marriage counsellors and licenced physiologists

OP I will get some books and seminars and create a thread for it.#fingerscrossed

IMO every married couple needs a shrink and not until problem arise.

Nigerian's dont study courses that they dont think money wil be involved. They rely on counseling from family and religious figures. Which is not the best choice. A neutral and well trained professional is always best. Instead of dragging everyone into issues that could easily have been settled between the couple.

I wouldn't stop anyone from visiting a marriage counselor but the question is, who is really qualified to teach marriage. Every marriage is unique,with relative problems. If we really want our marriages to work, we must adopt the biblical principles of marriage.

In my opinion the most important part of marriage counseling should be done before marriage. Most people see marriage as a destination and not as the beginning of a journey. I have read the responses so far and some seem to suggest that the man is usually the cause of marriage troubles. Unfortunately you are not being truthful. Some of you have suggested lots of Nigerian women endure bad marriages and they are forced to stay in it. The very truth is that if most of those women were to be truthful they will also blame themselves. I will give some free marriage counseling. You first of all need to understand that marriage is not luck neither is it chance. Several people have good marriages and those that have bad marriages should try to learn a few things. The most important part of marriage counseling is marrying the right person and I will give our ladies some advice.
Nigerian girls need to know that you should not marry a man just because he has money. I understand the current economic hardships but please our ladies should understand that money is not happiness.
Nigerian girls need to understand that you cannot trap a man with a pregnancy. Even if he is forced to marry you, he may never love you.
Nigerian girls need to stop putting pressure on themselves to get married. Some will give a deadline of 30, some 35 and at that age they are ready to marry just anybody.
Nigerian girls need to know that a guy cheating or beating you before marriage will not change after marriage. A bad relationship should never end in marriage. If he is abusive or adulterous, just run away.
Nigerian girls should give themselves some self worth. People will treat you the way you treat yourself.
Nigerian girls need to know that there are good and bad men out there. It is their own responsibility to decipher which is good and bad and hopefully marry a good guy. Not all men are the same, there are plenty of good husband materials out there. If a girl ends up marrying an alcoholic, adulterous and abusive man, she definitely has herself to blame. It is not luck!

That is where marriage counseling starts. Its starts from upbringing. Don't blame religion or pastors. Each individual is responsible for their own actions or inactions. We also need to develop laws that protect the institution called marriage and also each individual in the marriage.

I am a certified counselor in America (New York). BA in psychology and a Masters in Counseling. I deal with teenagers in schools but often times I end up counseling families because the situations are connected. I started a blog called Love Amaka. (www.loveamaka.com), because of my friends and family are constantly asking me questions about relationships and marriage.. To be quiet honest, if we as Nigerians are more open to professional counseling with someone completely neutral and seasoned, then we can truly be happy in our marriages. The idea is to know yourself first and foremost before seeking to be married to anyone. While age is always a big issue in our "land" we need to take our time in choosing a compatible partner in the first place. Arranged marriages, forgive me in advance for saying this is an outdated concept (read my blog on what I think about them and why they were useful at the time). With the increase in technology, Nigerians are more exposed to the Western world. We learn some good and some bad that comes from this end of the world. The good news is you can absolutely marry for pure love as a baseline. Everything else will and can be worked on once you know that you are marrying your best friend.

To be continued...

Www.loveamaka.com

Nashville: In my opinion the most important part of marriage counseling should be done before marriage. Most people see marriage as a destination and not as the beginning of a journey. I have read the responses so far and some seem to suggest that the man is usually the cause of marriage troubles. Unfortunately you are not being truthful. Some of you have suggested lots of Nigerian women endure bad marriages and they are forced to stay in it. The very truth is that if most of those women were to be truthful they will also blame themselves. I will give some free marriage counseling. You first of all need to understand that marriage is not luck neither is it chance. Several people have good marriages and those that have bad marriages should try to learn a few things. The most important part of marriage counseling is marrying the right person and I will give our ladies some advice.
Nigerian girls need to know that you should not marry a man just because he has money. I understand the current economic hardships but please our ladies should understand that money is not happiness.
Nigerian girls need to understand that you cannot trap a man with a pregnancy. Even if he is forced to marry you, he may never love you.
Nigerian girls need to stop putting pressure on themselves to get married. Some will give a deadline of 30, some 35 and at that age they are ready to marry just anybody.
Nigerian girls need to know that a guy cheating or beating you before marriage will not change after marriage. A bad relationship should never end in marriage. If he is abusive or adulterous, just run away.
Nigerian girls should give themselves some self worth. People will treat you the way you treat yourself.
Nigerian girls need to know that there are good and bad men out there. It is their own responsible to decipher which is good and bad and hopefully marry a good guy. Not all men are the same, there are plenty of good husband materials out there. If a girl ends up marrying an alcoholic, adulterous and abusive man, she definitely has herself to blame. It is not luck!

That is where marriage counseling starts. Its starts from upbringing. Don't blame religion or pastors. Each individual is responsible for their own actions or inactions. We also need to develop laws that protect the institution called marriage and also each individual in the marriage.

Excellent post! So many sentences deserve to be bolded.

A good marriage starts from courtship. It will not prevent every troubled union but would significantly reduce the number of troubled ones that exist

Thing is our orientation in Nigeria revolves around family and religion (church,mosque et al). Receiving counseling from a professional outside of these 2 settings can be difficult for both parties. Having professionals within these settings makes it easier to receive and follow through on advice and recommendations. However, praying and enduring are built into these settings. It is the level of professionalism that can affect the "quantity" of P and E the couple get (not the wife alone). A church like Family Worship Center in Abuja provides trained pre and post marriage counseling within a comfortable and understandable setting but even at that, there is still P and E advice there. It is inevitable after marriage. "You don enter. Carry your cross". But for Pre marital counseling, they are very likely to tell you "GET YOU BUTT OUTTA THERE BEFORE IT KILLS YOU!!!"

The problem with most women is they choose to Endure before marriage in the hope of getting married for being married's sake and after marriage complain of being the only ones being asked to endure, pray and compromise to make the marriage work. You can't eat your cake and have it.

Nashville: In my opinion the most important part of marriage counseling should be done before marriage. Most people see marriage as a destination and not as the beginning of a journey. I have read the responses so far and some seem to suggest that the man is usually the cause of marriage troubles. Unfortunately you are not being truthful. Some of you have suggested lots of Nigerian women endure bad marriages and they are forced to stay in it. The very truth is that if most of those women were to be truthful they will also blame themselves. I will give some free marriage counseling. You first of all need to understand that marriage is not luck neither is it chance. Several people have good marriages and those that have bad marriages should try to learn a few things. The most important part of marriage counseling is marrying the right person and I will give our ladies some advice.
Nigerian girls need to know that you should not marry a man just because he has money. I understand the current economic hardships but please our ladies should understand that money is not happiness.
Nigerian girls need to understand that you cannot trap a man with a pregnancy. Even if he is forced to marry you, he may never love you.
Nigerian girls need to stop putting pressure on themselves to get married. Some will give a deadline of 30, some 35 and at that age they are ready to marry just anybody.
Nigerian girls need to know that a guy cheating or beating you before marriage will not change after marriage. A bad relationship should never end in marriage. If he is abusive or adulterous, just run away.
Nigerian girls should give themselves some self worth. People will treat you the way you treat yourself.
Nigerian girls need to know that there are good and bad men out there. It is their own responsibility to decipher which is good and bad and hopefully marry a good guy. Not all men are the same, there are plenty of good husband materials out there. If a girl ends up marrying an alcoholic, adulterous and abusive man, she definitely has herself to blame. It is not luck!

That is where marriage counseling starts. Its starts from upbringing. Don't blame religion or pastors. Each individual is responsible for their own actions or inactions. We also need to develop laws that protect the institution called marriage and also each individual in the marriage.

Your post is excellent

I guess we are addressing the husband's part because that's what the poster focused on and in reality, it's mostly wives who get the P and E advice.

Like I said in my earlier post, the upbringing matters!
Most ladies have been trained to endure. We hear daily that men are bad and it does not matter who you marry. A girl comes to NL that her BF/fiancée is cheating and most posters say 'stay, afterall men are scarce, most men cheat!'. What would a woman who watched her mother endure her marriage learn? That's why I laugh when wives stay in dead marriages because of their 'children'. Someone once said that girls tend to marry husbands like their fathers.

Most women are also taught that a man's love can be bought with sexy underwears, good food, golden moments in bed etc. I doubt there is much the counselors can do AFTER the marriage. One thing I have learnt is that when a man loves a woman, he is extremely easy to please expect if the woman herself doesn't love him.

How I wish all of us ladies would print out your points and learn them all by heart.

MMotimo:

Excellent post! So many sentences deserve to be bolded.

A good marriage starts from courtship. It will not prevent every troubled union but would significantly reduce the number of troubled ones that exist

Good morning,

That's if they know what to look for in courtship. Have you not seen women whose fiancés beat or cheat on them and they are looking for sexy underwears/ good food to 'win' him back or warn the 'husband - to - be snatcher'?

Referring to the original post:

The first question would be to ask how many people actually went through marriage counselling classes before they got hitched. Or even tried to pick up a few good books to read.

There are a few good ones out there, at least in Nigeria. Though of course they are run by churches, like This Present House, Fountain of Life, Daystar, etc. I cite those three churches because I have a pretty good idea of their programs, and they try to be neutral and address a broad spectrum of issues. Many others just throw the book of church doctrine at you. I imagine it would probably be the same for Moslems.

If you try to attend counselling before you get married (and not treat it as some kind of mandatory requirement to get married), then you would have had the opportunity to ask and get answers on a wide variety of issues, ranging from finance, sexual matters, child-raising, etc.

Marriage, like any other life endeavour, requires serious preparation. It's a complete paradigm shift that everybody needs to realize, and align to. Before you make the big jump, you need to get in tune with whatever value system you put your trust in, could be religion, moral code, or whatever. Prayer, meditation, deep thought, whatever is your forte, you need to get into it and sort out your personal issues before you dive into the union.

Most of the 'issues' people tell me they are having with their marriage are not really issues in my view; it's just a case of not having made the complete shift in paradigm from being single to being completely responsible for not only yourself, but also a significant other, as well as some little ones when they arrive. It's not only love and passion, it's responsibility, care, self-sacrifice on all sides, as well as teamwork that makes a marriage persevere.
My thoughts.

Ayee Idris:
Is love determined by culture now? I don't understand the part of the sort of love they practice is different from ours. Isn't the idea of submission from the bible and the quoran? These 'white' people are Christians. They have submission rules too. They may apply it differently from us, but they have it. Are you saying that running to family, pastors or imams or turning to the Holy books for solutions to marital problems that probably did not exist in the time they were made, are the only way forward? A lot of things we adopted from the white people are working. Why not marriage counseling?
And there are Nigerian men who forgive their wives' adultery. Few, but there are. Just as there are white women that would never forgive their husband's adultery, but a Nigerian woman is expected to.

Their submission rule is 50-50
They believe dey have equal right in dir marriage which is wot most of our women r trying to practice now in Nigeria but it is causing a lot of issues in many marriages.
Thats one of the reasons why MC will work more for them than for us here.
We have women who are greater than dir husband so dey believe dey cant be submissive.
I didnt mention anything about religion in my post.
Hw many pple follow what the Bible or Quoran is saying?
Everything boils down to individual personality.
Like Nashville wrote we need to have a reasonable reason why we are going to into marriage

@ ajan true the structure is usually better pre marriage but i was of the opinion the OP was talking of in-marriage counselling

Most churches do these pre marriage one but when couples have issues, who do they talk to

when a couple is struggling thtough infidelity, finances, children etc... who do they talk to

Pre marraige counselling can only give you a shadow based on pretentious behaviours

The real person comes out after I DO

AjanleKoko: Referring to the original post:

The first question would be to ask how many people actually went through marriage counselling classes before they got hitched. Or even tried to pick up a few good books to read.

There are a few good ones out there, at least in Nigeria. Though of course they are run by churches, like This Present House, Fountain of Life, Daystar, etc. I cite those three churches because I have a pretty good idea of their programs, and they try to be neutral and address a broad spectrum of issues. Many others just throw the book of church doctrine at you. I imagine it would probably be the same for Moslems.

If you try to attend counselling before you get married (and not treat it as some kind of mandatory requirement to get married), then you would have had the opportunity to ask and get answers on a wide variety of issues, ranging from finance, sexual matters, child-raising, etc.

Marriage, like any other life endeavour, requires serious preparation. It's a complete paradigm shift that everybody needs to realize, and align to.
Most of the 'issues' people tell me they are having with their marriage are not really issues in my view; it's just a case of not having made the complete shift in paradigm from being single to being completely responsible for not only yourself, but also a significant other, as well as some little ones when they arrive. It's not only love and passion, it's responsibility, care, self-sacrifice on all sides, as well as teamwork that makes a marriage persevere.
My thoughts.

Some peple read books and dnt put into practice. They read only becos wedding is coming up soon. Few months into marriage, dey forget about everything.
This is becos their personalities have not changed.
I always tell people dat to have a successful marriage, you shld stop looking for the right partner but you try to be a right partner.
If you try to b the right person, u will love, respect and tolerate ur partner no matter wot he or she may do wrong or whatever his/er weaknesses are.

biolabee: @ ajan true the structure is usually better pre marriage but i was of the opinion the OP was talking of in-marriage counselling

Most churches do these pre marriage one but when couples have issues, who do they talk to

when a couple is struggling thtough infidelity, finances, children etc... who do they talk to

Pre marraige counselling can only give you a shadow based on pretentious behaviours

The real person comes out after I DO

Thank you

biolabee: @ ajan true the structure is usually better pre marriage but i was of the opinion the OP was talking of in-marriage counselling

Most churches do these pre marriage one but when couples have issues, who do they talk to

when a couple is struggling thtough infidelity, finances, children etc... who do they talk to

Pre marraige counselling can only give you a shadow based on pretentious behaviours

The real person comes out after I DO

Okay, true I didn't address one major point that the OP highlighted:
The general belief that you should not be quick to bring in a third party into your marriage. I'm a subscriber to that view as well, based on experience, and I continue to endorse it.

Couples should work together to enforce communication within their marriage. Notice I said enforce. It has to happen, even if it means confrontation. Most people shy away from confrontation, especially if it has to be unpleasant. I would even say, marriage has sharpened my communication skills significantly

It's not only when things turn sour, or there are problems that couples need to communicate. You must continually be in sync with your spouse, as understanding each other is a lifelong journey. Even if you dated for 2 decades before marriage, the person you see after the union is likely to be completely different. Take each day as it comes, but never ever close the door on communication, for any reason. Don't be afraid to talk about anything, even if it is of an intimate manner. Be free and open with your spouse, and things will be greatly simplified.

Conversely, from my experience, talking to a third party rarely addresses anything. You could talk to 5 different people and get 5 different perspectives on the same issue. It can be very frustrating.

nikkykay:
Some peple read books and dnt put into practice. They read only becos wedding is coming up soon. Few months into marriage, dey forget about everything.
This is becos their personalities have not changed.
I always tell people dat to have a successful marriage, you shld stop looking for the right partner but you try to be a right partner.
If you try to b the right person, u will love, respect and tolerate ur partner no matter wot he or she may do wrong or whatever his/er weaknesses are.

Exactly. Which is why I said, you need to confront your personal demons before you enter the union. It's a lot of hard work to sustain a relationship like marriage. The worst thing that can happen to anyone is to enter with baggage. They must all be left behind

I am beginning to realise how naive I am. Wow!!!

naijababe: I am beginning to realise how naive I am. Wow!!!

How far. Make we touch base.

naijababe: I am beginning to realise how naive I am. Wow!!!

There is still a big room for changes

AjanleKoko:

How far. Make we touch base.

Where? Same place as usual?

nikkykay:

There is still a big room for changes

Lol. My dear, you have not the faintest idea o

naijababe:

Lol. My dear, you have not the faintest idea o

Please i dont want to know but believe all will be well id you just believe.

nikkykay:
Please i dont want to know but believe all will be well id you just believe.

Amen!!!!

At Op,

Let's use the below as a case study,

[url] My Husband Is In Love With Another Woman.[/url]

what advice would a counselor give?