Please note this is not about me but someone very close. I need only serious advice please, if you have nothing better to say keep off.

There's someone very very dear to me that this is happening this to right now. And the lady in question is so confuse as to what step to take. This is how the story goes,her mother was having a family dinner and invite both she and her husband but the husband refused to go. Keep in mind that the husband don't love her mother at all. She have tried everything for him to love her mom to no avail. So this time she decided to take a step just to teach him a little lesson. After the family dinner, she decided to pack some of her clothes and take her two little girls and went over to her mom. She explained everything to her mother, and the mother didn't call her son in law either because of anger, so her elder brother decided to call him and talk to him about the whole situation. But he already decided he's never stepping to his mother in law house, never! And the wife may as well stay there because he ain't going for her, and he's not apologizing to the mother either, he don't like her and he's never putting foot to her house.



To cut long story short, the lady is now in a dilemma. To go back or not? He disrespected the family so now the decision is on her shoulders to make. They want nothing to do with it. She loves him, and they have two little kids together. The marriage is barely four years. They were high school sweethearts in Africa, the lady worked her butt off to bring him over, and now that he's settled and got all his papers he's acting like this. Her world is like crushing down.

Which bring me to the question, if you were the lady in question, what would you do?

What really happened btw the man and mother-in-law

donLEXY:
What really happened btw the man and mother-in-law

nothing! The only story I know is that he beat her once and the mother in law was so angry, she took it upon herself to call the police, call child protection because his little baby who was just 7 months got injury in the process. But he didn't like her before then, because he beat her that day cuz she went to visit her mom and came back late.

And he didn't have his papers yet so after that incident the mother advice her to send him back African. She didn't thou. I bet she must have told him after that.

So let's cut to the chase here ; To go back or not?? Definately

Complicated but this is very simple IMO... One thing I've learnt overtime in marriage is to never fight your parents' fight? This is not her fight.
Her mom has made her stance clear about domestic violence and he's definately a rude & wounded snake with big ego, let him continue though. The mom knows this and they ( mom & him) are both playing silent mind games.

But this shouldn't come between the couple. So to answer your q; NO, I wouldn't leave my matrimonial home for such trivial issue coz this is between two cognitive grown adults.
For all we know, they could be having serious heated convo behind curtains. Hehe , you go fear some no-nonsense parents.

Tell your friend to go back home and bring the kids to their dad. Her mom will understand.

Thank God am not a lady. Guess wat , babe, I'M A MAN!

I think she can as well marry her Mom!

He is playing "big boy" at the moment but depending on how much she knows Her husband and whether he actually feels the same for her, she could ride it out and when the hubby is ready to come down to earth, he will go get her. BUT, my worry is whether the guy does not give a shyt where the wife is as long as she is not in their home......I mean, if he has his papers now, he will probably be thinking he should spread his wings and fly with the way his acting towards the whole situation.


I recommend she goes back and leave mom and hubby to be for now as long as she and the children can go to the mum's house freely without him stopping them. I mean, she won't win this battle staying outside, she needs to do it inside her home because if she is not at home who will shuku shuku inside the man's ear for him to come to his senses? She has to build their relationship from her marital home but she also has to understand it is not by force to like someone, some people just do not click. The man too is being immature as he can still be cordial even if he doesn't like the mum. Shows he has no respect for your friend and her family.

it's hard sha, when we don't know exactly how the man behaves towards the wife.

I personally won't have any man disrespect my mother, no matter how much in love I am. If you cannot get along with my mother then you cannot be in my life...Just saying but since she is married with kids she has to think about the situation carefully.

kandiikane:
He is playing "big man" at the moment but depending on how much she knows Her husbandand whether he actually feel the same for her, she could ride it out and when the hubby is ready to come down to earth, he will go get her. BUT, I worry is whether the guy does not actually give a shyt where the wife is as long as she is not in their home......I mean, if he has his papers now, he will probably be thinking he should spread his wings and fly with the way his acting towards the whole situation.


I recommend she goes back and leave mom and hubby to be for now as long as she and the children can go to thd mum's house freely without him stopping them. I mean, she won't win this battle staying outside, she needs to do it inside her home because if she is not at home who will shuku shuku inside the man's ear for him to come to his senses? She has to build their relationship from her marital home but she also has to understand it is not by force to like someone, some people just do not click. The man too is being immature as he can still be cordial even if he doesn't like the mum. Shows he has no respect for your friend and her family.

it's hard sha, when we don't know exactly how the man behaves towards the wife.

I personally won't have any man disrespect my mother, no matter how much in love I am. If you cannot get along with my mother then you cannot be in my life...Just saying

good advice.....and the last part is her saying as well. That's was my advice as well, go back home and fight this battle, and beside if his plan all along is to drop her after getting his papers, let him not hang the reasons on her mom the way I see the whole thing, I think k he's just looking for a pity reason to leave, if I was her this wouldn't be that reason. The truth will come out one way or the other.

rokiatu:
good advice.....and the last part is her saying as well. That's was my advice as well, go back home and fight this battle, and beside if his plan all along is to drop her after getting his papers, let him not hang the reasons on her mom the way I see the whole thing, I think k he's just looking for a pity reason to leave, if I was her this wouldn't be that reason. The truth will come out one way or the other.

I agree, that's why it's difficult as I don't know how he treats her or behaves but you know her and I am certain she confides in you in everything. If he shows signs of wanting to leave, just advice her on that part because no need for her to waste her time on someone that wants to move on. It's only been 4years and seems she is a young woman, she too can move on and find something even better. You just need to be there to support her if she decides to let him walk. Eitherway, advice her to go home as then she would know exactly what the problem is.

kandiikane:


I agree, that's why it's difficult as I don't know how he treats her or behaves but you know her and I am certain she confides in you in everything. If he shows signs of wanting to leave, just advice her on that part because no need for her to waste her time on someone that wants to move on. It's only been 4years and seems she is a young woman, she too can move on and find something even better. You just need to be there to support her if she decides to let him walk. Eitherway, advice her to go home as then she would know exactly what the problem is.

Correct. Thanks.

The husband is a grown man and should he able to make and stand by his own decisions.
It doesn't help that he is being made to feel like an ingrate when the issue at hand hasn't bordered along the line of infidelity nor laziness on his part.

The wife simply needs to grow since mum isn't always going to be around. Your husband becomes the default head and his opinion counts once you sign the dotted line

It's also very irresponsible of the mother in-law to feel comfortable about the whole scenario as it played out

All those answers above are so on point.
You have got to remember, that once a man and woman are married, they leave their parents are stick together - for better or worse. Right?
She has not got any case of infidelity or him not caring for his primary home (wife and kids). Yeah? Trust me, if your gal friend don't move in back with him ASAP, she should be ready to accept the bigger shocker.
I have seen this sh**t alot of times happen.
Like it or not, she owes him a 100% obligation to submissivenss. His is to love and so far, save the current issue with his mother in law you haven't furnished us with info otherwise.
So, Roki! If really care about your friend, take we all are saying. Ask her to return to her matrimonial home without delay.

rokiatu:
nothing! The only story I know is that he beat her once and the mother in law was so angry, she took it upon herself to call the police, call child protection because his little baby who was just 7 months got injury in the process. But he didn't like her before then, because he beat her that day cuz she went to visit her mom and came back late.

And he didn't have his papers yet so after that incident the mother advice her to send him back African. She didn't thou. I bet she must have told him after that.

My take is that he doesn't love her and just used her to get what he wanted. One thing is for sure about we Nigerians, we never marry only a woman! We marry her family. You can't love a daughter and hate her mother, except the lady in question was maltreated by her own mother. Else, he doesn't have any excuse for hating the mother.

The lady's mother did the right thing for calling the police on him cause I think it was simply silly for a man to beat up his wife just cuz she went to see her mum. What if she had cheated on him, then he would have killed her na..

She should better know what to do about that guy cuz he doesn't love her. I'll put some blame on her for taking him over there, realising what he's capable of and still didn't kick his wacked àss back to 9ja.

https://www.tsu.co/Francizy

You see, some women compound problems for themselves. They allow their family and friend take control of their marital life. As OP refused to feed us the whole story or true story I'd like to say this. First she knows her Hubby doesn't like her Mum, then instead of trying to be closer with the Husband and help soften the situation with her Mum she acted weakly and simply picked Sides. So has taking away her children and packing out of the house solved the issue? No! Instead it has worsened. He surely won't go to the Mums house, and when she returns to her Hubby with their kids, she should be ready to explain why she left to pick sides. A married woman should be strong and not weak. Solve issues and not run away when there's an issue or run to the family. He is your husband. She should Find the root of the problem, go through it with your husband, hear from your Mum, Pray about it and apply wisdom.

So now when the Husband subs her would she spend the rest of her life with her mother?
And what kind of mother in law feels comfortable with her daughter with two children packing out of her husband's house because she's not cool with him?
Some mother in law causing problems since 1807.

Ewuro4:
So let's cut to the chase here ; To go back or not?? Definately

Complicated but this is very simple IMO... One thing I've learnt overtime in marriage is to never fight your parents' fight? This is not her fight.

Her mom has made her stance clear about domestic violence and he's definately a rude & wounded snake with big ego, let him continue though.

The mom knows this and they ( mom & him) are both playing silent mind games.

Your comment makes a lot of sense,but this your monicker get as e be oooioo

rokiatu:
Correct. Thanks.

Please reply my pm

SmooshCHN:
You see, some women compound problems for themselves. They allow their family and friend take control of their marital life. As OP refused to feed us the whole story or true story I'd like to say this. First she knows her Hubby doesn't like her Mum, then instead of trying to be closer with the Husband and help soften the situation with her Mum she acted weakly and simply picked Sides. So has taking away her children and packing out of the house solved the issue? No! Instead it has worsened. He surely won't go to the Mums house, and when she returns to her Hubby with their kids, she should be ready to explain why she left to pick sides. A married woman should be strong and not weak. Solve issues and not run away when there's an issue or run to the family. He is your husband. She should Find the root of the problem, go through it with your husband, hear from your Mum, Pray about it and apply wisdom.

So now when the Husband subs her would she spend the rest of her life with her mother?
And what kind of mother in law feels comfortable with her daughter with two children packing out of her husband's house because she's not cool with him?
Some mother in law causing problems since 1807.

Did u just type this. So the blame is on the abused woman and her mother D mother should watch her daughter get killed abi? So u can come n read the tragic ending and type RIP

You go fear advice na

I blame the lady for not reading the handwriting on the wall. She should've followed her mom's advise n send his sorry ass back to Africa. She's bn pitying him all along yet he even has the mind to raise his hand on her. Imagine the guts!!

The guy pretended all the while to get his stay..he doesn't love the lady,nor her family..

His real intentions came after securing his stay.

No love lost.

Ochek:
All those answers above are so on point.
You have got to remember, that once a man and woman are married, they leave their parents are stick together - for better or worse. Right?
She has not got any case of infidelity or him not caring for his primary home (wife and kids). Yeah? Trust me, if your gal friend don't move in back with him ASAP, she should be ready to accept the bigger shocker.
I have seen this sh**t alot of times happen.
Like it or not, she owes him a 100% obligation to submissivenss. His is to love and so far, save the current issue with his mother in law you haven't furnished us with info otherwise.
So, Roki! If really care about your friend, take we all are saying. Ask her to return to her matrimonial home without delay.

So because another lady might move in, she should stay in an abusive marriage and get killed so u can happily type RIP ba? Ife emee!

Am sure u didn't read about the domestic abuse.smh
By their advise, u shall surely fish them out one by one

Rose2014:

Did u just type this. So the blame is on the abused woman and her mother D mother should watch her daughter get killed abi? So u can come n read the tragic story on nl and type RIP

You go fear advice na

I blame the lady for not reading the handwriting on the wall. She should've followed her mom's advise n send his sorry ass back to Africa. She's bn pitying him yet he has the mind to raise his hand on her. Chai there is god o

If you were married you'll know running away from problems don't get them solved. A successful marriage should be more important than anyone's satisfaction. You didn't read the part where I advised her to meet with her husband and pray, and apply wisdom. You went straight ahead to start predicting circumstances that you shouldn't wish a growing couple. If you prefer your daughter's marriage broken because you have a problem with her husband, that's very immature and then you'd definitely not make a good mother in law.
OP already judged the Husband. And I'm not supporting abuse at all. My pain is that, a 4 year marriage will soon be destroyed. If think rendering your grandchildren fatherless is the best choice instead of you to take her husband as your son and settle issues with him and make give your daughter the happiest thing a mother can give her daughter. Na to separate her home be the best thing.
People have resolved to putting their marriage I the hands of their family instead of the GOD.. As if Prayer and Love no longer has effect when it comes to marriage

Did u write this yourself? Fire ur story writer ma...

She should go back to her REAL family (comprising of husband and her children).God has joined , let no in law put asunder

SmooshCHN:
If you were married you'll know running away from problems don't get them solved. A successful marriage should be more important than anyone's satisfaction. You didn't read the part where I advised her to meet with her husband and pray, and apply wisdom. You went straight ahead to start predicting circumstances that you shouldn't wish a growing couple. If you prefer your daughter's marriage broken because you have a problem with her husband, that's very immature and then you'd definitely not make a good mother in law.

You think rendering your grandchildren fatherless is the best choice instead of you to take her husband as your son and settle issues with him and make give your daughter the happiest thing a mother can give her daughter. Na to separate her home be the best thing. Too bad

I don't know about u but heaven knows I'll rather have my daughter spend her life with me than to die miserably in the hands of an abuser who will still end up marrying another wife once he succeeds in killing her.
As per the grandchildren, thanks for your concern but they're better off fatherless than motherless in a case like this cos let me predict the end for u if the abuse does not stop: either of these 2things will happen
D woman dies and child protective services take over the kids and they become orphans

Or
D woman dies and the man marries another woman who will be maltreating the kids and their father will do absolutely nothing to protect them because of the obvious hatred he had for their mom

I'm never a fan of seperation in marriage but u see domestic violence: It gets my attention any day

CircleOfWilis:
Did u write this yourself? Fire ur story writer ma...

She should go back to her REAL family (comprising of husband and her children).God has joined , let no in law put asunder

That's how people ought to see marriage. They should commit all to God and apply love and wisdom instead they all pick sides against a grown man who stupidly values his ego over peace in his family.
I'm quite sure she helping the Husband wasn't the cause of the problem but the fact the family sees it that he owes them his dignity for the help their daughter gave is the problem and a grown man will never do that. She should go back to her husband. He his grateful to her for helping him and also as his wife not her mother or her brother or her friend. Families don't destroy families happiness they help expand it.

Rose2014:

I don't know about u but heaven knows I'll rather have my daughter spend her life with me than to die miserably in the hands of an abuser who will still end up marrying another wife once he succeeds in killing her.
As per the grandchildren, thanks for your concern but they're better off fatherless than motherless in a case like this cos let me predict the end for u if the abuse does not stop: either of these 2things will happen
D woman dies and child protective services take over the kids and they become orphans

Or
D woman dies and the man marries another woman who will be maltreating the kids and their father will do absolutely nothing to protect them because of the obvious hatred he had for their mom

I'm never a fan of seperation in marriage but u see domestic violence: It gets my attention any day

are you God to predict someone's marriage? . Pray for them and show love. Help make the marriage better. If you have no positive help towards marriage don't bring negative help.
The Mother in law shouldn't be the dictator of the marriage. She ought to be a role model to their marriage. From the moment she discovered abuse asking the daughter to send her son in law back to Africa made her loose her respect. She should help her daughter's marriage with "ALL HER MIGHT" and not weakly ask her daughter to abandon her marriage.
Then if she decides to end her daughters marriage She would live with Guilt. As my mom never witnessed physical abuse from my Dad many times my mother said "I'm packing" a week after their back happy and it's like nothing happened. That's what God's does in marriage.. When I failed an exam, my Mum didn't ask me to abandon it, she Prayed with me and showed support throughout and God decided I write another different exam. Humans should help and not takes God's job to decide.

Divorce is the least and Last option not the First and Foremost option to solve marital issues.

SmooshCHN:
You're not God to predict someone's marriage. Pray for them and show love. Help make the marriage better. If you have no positive help towards marriage don't bring negative help.
The Mother in law shouldn't be the dictator of the marriage. She ought to be a role model to their marriage. From the moment she discovered abuse asking the daughter to send her son in law back to Africa made her loose her respect. She should help her daughter's marriage with "ALL HER MIGHT" and not weakly ask her daughter to abandon her marriage.
Then if she decides to end her daughters marriage She would live with Guilt. As my mom never witnessed physical abuse from my Dad many times my mother said "I'm packing" a week after their back happy and it's like nothing happened. That's what God's does in marriage.. When I failed an exam, my Mum didn't ask me to abandon it, she Prayed with me and showed support throughout and God decided I write another different exam. Humans should help and not takes God's job to decide.

Divorce is the least and Last option not the First and Foremost option to solve marital issues.

I'll encourage my daughter(s) to stay in their marriages as long as domestic violence is not involved.
Good thing u said ur dad never beat ur mom, yet she felt like leaving at some points. Now imagine u putting the blame on an abused woman cos she's with mommy for safety. Ur next blame is on the mother for welcoming her child. Are you for real?

My question to u is this:
Will u allow ur daughter(s) to stay with a man that physically abuses them just because they're married and should never come to ur house again?
Even if u will sha, me I won't agree
Mothers understand the pain of childbirth so much to allow any child die in another man's hand all in d name of marriage. Haba!! Now I see why more people (men n women)are getting killed in their marriages cos of what people like u would say.

Divorce is the last option but no one should place their life at risk. Protecting what?
That's suicide in disguise na.
Except u think suicide is better than divorce, I won't be surprised

francizy:


My take is that he doesn't love her and just used her to get what he wanted. One thing is for sure about we Nigerians, we never marry only a woman! We marry her family. You can't love a daughter and hate her mother, except the lady in question was maltreated by her own mother. Else, he doesn't have any excuse for hating the mother.

The lady's mother did the right thing for calling the police on him cause I think it was simply silly for a man to beat up his wife just cuz she went to see her mum. What if she had cheated on him, then he would have killed her na..

She should better know what to do about that guy cuz he doesn't love her. I'll put some blame on her for taking him over there, realising what he's capable of and still didn't kick his wacked àss back to 9ja.

God you got some great point.

What I will do is later on I will show her this thread and then she will read all the replies for herself.

P.s Seun please put this on the frontpage I really want this lady to get a lot of advice thank you.

Rose2014:

I'll encourage my daughter(s) to stay in their marriages as long as domestic violence is not involved.
Good thing u said ur dad never beat ur mom, yet she felt like leaving at some points. Now imagine u putting the blame on an abused woman cos she's with mommy for safety. Ur next blame is on the mother for welcoming her child. Are you for real?

My question to u is this:
Will u allow ur daughter(s) to stay with a man that physically abuses them just because they're married and should never come to ur house again?
Even if u will sha, me I won't agree
Mothers understand the pain of childbirth so much to allow any child die in another man's hand all in d name of marriage. Haba!! Now I see why more people (men n women)are getting killed in their marriages cos of what people like u would say.

Divorce is the last option but no one should place their life at risk. Protecting what?
That's suicide in disguise na.
Except u think suicide is better than divorce, I won't be surprised

I got your point all along. I respect your opinion. I no go make you dey use style bash me because I no totally accept your point. Final advise. Help build a marriage first before helping in breaking it.

rokiatu:
God you got some great point.

What I will do is later on I will show her this thread and then she will read all the replies for herself.

Please do cuz she needs to know what she's into and act fast about it.

rokiatu:
God you got some great point.

What I will do is later on I will show her this thread and then she will read all the replies for herself.

Let her pray and God'll grant her peace and lead her through on what decisions to take. E no easy.

francizy:


Please do cuz she needs to know what she's into and act fast about it.

Well you see my dear, her own brother told her that, and even I did because am not a friend that sugar coat thing. A man that really love you will make an love your family or atleast make an effort. and she didn't like it at all. She is so madly in love with him, that is why when all is said and done imma let her read everything here.


Sometimes total strangers says the truth.

So far I love all the advice that have be given. Everyone has a point. But she will ultimately make her own decision.

SmooshCHN:
Let her pray and God'll grant her peace and lead her through on what decisions to take. E no easy.

right. Thank you all for your advice.

SmooshCHN:
I got your point all along. I respect your opinion. I no go make you dey use style bash me because I no totally accept your point. Final advise. Help build a marriage first before helping in breaking it.

Sorry I don't mean to bash u sweetheart
I just don't like the fact u don't seem to see anything wrong with domestic abuse.
Everything is wrong with domestic violence. Let the man go out there n wrestle a fellow man. Or will he claim that other men don't drive him crazy out there. Even his female bosses do drive him crazy but he'll rather show his power on d mother of his kids. I find it disgusting to say the least

My kids can tell me any other marital issue they have and I'll encourage them to return home but I show no pity when it comes to violence. I suffered a lot to birth them

I can't afford to lose my child in an abusive home. God forbid!. Maybe cos I didn't have it easy like the Hebrew women
No vex